Zoolander And Hansel Walked In A Valentino Show To Confirm That “Zoolander 2” Is Happening

That Hansel, still so hot. What? Don’t act like you don’t have a thing for dudes with busted-up dick noses. To announce that Zoolander 2 is a thing that is happening, Ben Stiller pulled out his best John Travolta for Shh…It’s a Wig! high-fashion hairpiece, locked his face into Blue Steel mode, and walked in Valentino’s FW15 show in Paris today as not-smart male model type Derek Zoolander. Joining him as he hustled those future box office dollars down the runway was Owen Wilson done up like Hansel if Hansel was a long-haired dad who drove his kids to school in his pajamas.

Since the hardcore pimping of Anchorman 2 is still fresh in my mind, I’m not sure how I feel about Zoolander and Hansel stunt queening around fashion week. My better judgement is throwing Ben Stiller a Magnum-level side eye, but the center of my brain for cells who can’t think good is screaming YAAASSSS while getting into a gasoline fight with my better judgement (whatever the hell that means). Regardless, it’s happening, and Anna Wintour seems happy about it:

At least I think that’s Anna’s version of happy? I’m not sure if she’s smiling because she’s a next-level Zoolander fan, or because she has poor vision and she thinks she’s standing in the middle of a Pimp Mama Kris and Kim Kardashian fame whore sandwich. Either way, I will count whatever that weird look on her face is as a smile and classify her emotion as ‘happy’.

Pic: Vogue

Owen Wilson Is Now A Two-Time Member Of The Baby Daddy Club

The Butterscotch Slut strikes again! It feels like just yesterday Owen Wilson was busting a twangy nut into his piece-of-the-moment Jade Duell and then peace-ing the fuck out, and now – here we are almost exactly 3 years later – and it’s happening all over again! Frankly, I’m surprised he hasn’t barebacked his way to more babies; I almost got pregnant just from looking at his dick-nose (but there’s not enough room in my womb because my stomach is currently using it as storage).

Owen put his dick (you choose which one) into another woman, and E! says that this time the lucky lady is Owen’s personal trainer, Caroline Lindqvist. That’s gross, you two! The gym is nasty enough with sweaty assholes using the machines and not wiping them down after, but now I have to worry that the weight benches and yoga mats having fuck juices all over them too? Listen to me; talking like I’ve ever actually been to a gym (the Skittles on my desk just spelled out BITCH PLEASE).

Currently, we don’t know much about the baby except that Owen isn’t pursuing a relationship with the mother (which goes without saying, times a million) but all I care about is the baby’s name. Owen is from Texas and named his first baby Ford, so I hope he continues the tradition and keeps naming his kids after pickup trucks. This baby could be Dodge, the next one could be Chevy, then Sierra, Silverado, Ram, Durango, F-150, El Camino. Actually, El Camino is a hot name and sounds like it belongs to a future failed beauty queen and lead weather girl for an NBC affiliate station in Amarillo who stopped trying to hide the Taz tattoo on her left tit a loooong time ago (I think I just invented the classiest woman ever).

Tom Hiddleston Doing Owen Wilson Doing Loki

After I typed that headline, my brain queefed up the image of Tom Hiddleston as Tom Hiddleston giving it to Owen Wilson as Owen Wilson gives it Tom Hiddleston as Loki. I can fap to that.

During an interview with Popcorn Taxi, Tom was asked by an audience member to do an impersonation of Owen Wilson (Side note: Tom worked with Owen on Midnight in Paris) doing an impersonation of Loki, because why not? Tom’s Owen as Loki is kind of like a constipated Woody Allen talking with a peen in his mouth. In other words, he nailed it. Tom should watch out, though. He should never EVER do his Owen Wilson impersonation outside. Because if he does, a married personal trainer will mistake him for the real Owen Wilson and slap at him for missing a child support payment.

via HuffPo

Owen Wilson Is Free To Be A Man Slut Now

The Daily Mail reports that the Butterscotch Stallion has galloped away from the mother of his 5-month-old, because he still has more wild sows to oat (That’s how the saying goes right?) and he’d rather fill his feed bag with random vaginas than look at the same face every single morning.

A source says that Owen Wilson wanted to make it work with Jade Duell, but he also wanted to live like a single man slut. So he asked Jade if she would be open to letting him stick his crooked penis nose on the crotch of his side pieces as long as he came home every night to her and their son Robert Ford. Jade basically answered Owen with this. A source explained it like this:

“Owen wanted the freedom to do what he wanted with his friends, both male and female, while remaining a family unit with Jade and the baby. But Jade wasn’t willing to go along with that, so Owen decided to end things with her instead of cheating behind her back.”

If Vanilla Gorilla and Tiger Woods subscribed to Owen Wilson’s way of thinking, they wouldn’t be card carrying members of The Selfish Douchewhore Club and most of us wouldn’t have syphilis of the retinas from staring at Boobshit McGross in her tell-all interviews. Seriously, if VG broke up with Sandra Bullock before hailing his dick into any slut with a neck tattoo, Bombshell McGee’s 15 minutes would’ve never started. So we should send Owen a thank you basket of morning after pills for ending his relationship before whoring it up. Think of all the Rachel Uchitels he saved us from having to meet.

Owen Wilson Is Somebody’s Father

Owen Wilson must’ve announced that he’s going to be a dad as soon as his girlfriend, Jade Duell (or Buell, one of those), dropped a waterfall of baby fluid, because their kid is already breathing air amongst us. Owen’s rep confirmed the BABY!!!!! BOY news to People and everyone is doing well…blah…blah…burp.

Star Magazine offered up a few more details. They say Jade, who works as a federal air marshal, gave birth at Owen’s fancy waterfront home in Maui yesterday morning at exactly 10:47. Owen seems like the type who would be into his girlfriend launching out their baby on a Slip ‘N Slide, so it was a water birth and Jade pushed with the help of a midwife. And as soon as their baby came yodeling into the world, Owen chewed the belly cord off with his gnarly teeth, grabbed his son, ran to the beach and held him up Lion King-style as the dolphins clapped.

That didn’t happen, but a source did say that Owen did a congratulatory “hula dance” all day. Yeah, I’m sure that was shortly after he passed around blue joints to his friends.

Owen’s rep didn’t give up their son’s name, but I’m sure they haven’t gotten around to it yet. They’ve been too busy holding a mirror up to their baby’s face and trying to calm his screeching cries of uncertainty by telling him that his nose is never going to look like a mangled peen.

BABIES For Everyone!!!

If rain isn’t falling from the sky then snow is. If snow isn’t falling from the sky then dead birds are. If dead birds aren’t falling from the sky then BABIES!!!!! are. One of those BABIES!!! falling from the sky used to be a tiny spermling hanging out in Owen Wilson’s nutsack. Owen Wilson’s rep confirms to Entertainment Weekly that his 42-year-old ass is going to become a father for the very first time. The mother of his child is his girlfriend of a year Jade Duell.

Owen’s rep basically just confirmed that Jade’s knocked up and said that both of them are really happy. Thankfully, he kept it simple and didn’t say they were “Over the Moon” happy. One of Owen’s friends tells UsWeekly that Jade is due any day now.

My only thought about this news is that it sort of sucks that Owen’s nose didn’t come naturally (he broke it in a high school football accident). I mean, I know that if I was a baby I’d want a nose that looks like a pinched and crooked peen with an extra long urethra.