Owen Wilson Is Now A Two-Time Member Of The Baby Daddy Club

The Butterscotch Slut strikes again! It feels like just yesterday Owen Wilson was busting a twangy nut into his piece-of-the-moment Jade Duell and then peace-ing the fuck out, and now – here we are almost exactly 3 years later – and it’s happening all over again! Frankly, I’m surprised he hasn’t barebacked his way to more babies; I almost got pregnant just from looking at his dick-nose (but there’s not enough room in my womb because my stomach is currently using it as storage).

Owen put his dick (you choose which one) into another woman, and E! says that this time the lucky lady is Owen’s personal trainer, Caroline Lindqvist. That’s gross, you two! The gym is nasty enough with sweaty assholes using the machines and not wiping them down after, but now I have to worry that the weight benches and yoga mats having fuck juices all over them too? Listen to me; talking like I’ve ever actually been to a gym (the Skittles on my desk just spelled out BITCH PLEASE).

Currently, we don’t know much about the baby except that Owen isn’t pursuing a relationship with the mother (which goes without saying, times a million) but all I care about is the baby’s name. Owen is from Texas and named his first baby Ford, so I hope he continues the tradition and keeps naming his kids after pickup trucks. This baby could be Dodge, the next one could be Chevy, then Sierra, Silverado, Ram, Durango, F-150, El Camino. Actually, El Camino is a hot name and sounds like it belongs to a future failed beauty queen and lead weather girl for an NBC affiliate station in Amarillo who stopped trying to hide the Taz tattoo on her left tit a loooong time ago (I think I just invented the classiest woman ever).

Professional Secret Love Child Maker Made Another Secret Love Child

Fact: In the year 2030, at least 5% of the world’s popular will be able to write “Hugh Grant’s Secret Love Child” as their occupation on their tax returns.

Hugh Grant and condoms still haven’t settled their differences and come together, because he shot another load of organic raw baby batter up into a chick’s ovaries and produced a shhh baby. In 2011, a “fleeting affair” (aka bareback boning during lunch hour) led to Hugh Grant’s piece Tinglan Hong birthing out his first secret love child, a daughter whom he likes okay. A little over a year later, Hugh did it again and announced that Tinglan Hong birthed out his second secret love child. And since Hugh’s potent jizz can’t stop and won’t stop, he struck again. But this time Hugh left Tinglan’s ovaries alone and knocked up Swedish TV producer Anna Elisabet Eberstein. The Sun (via The Daily Mail) says that Hugh’s third secret love child was baking in Anna’s body at the same time that his second secret love child was baking in Tinglan Hong’s body.

A source says that Hugh’s third baby friend was born in September 2012, but his name was left off of the birth certificate. When the birth certificate was re-registered this past December, Hugh’s name was added next to “slut father.” The source went on to say:

“Anna is being supported by Hugh all the way. She lives in a very comfortable property in West London and knows that Hugh is there for her. Anna’s parents in Sweden know all about the relationship and she has their blessing.”

Hugh’s first kid, a daughter named Tabitha Xaio Xi Hong Grant, is 2 years old, his second kid, a son named Felix Hong Grant, is 14-months-old and his third kid, a son, is 17-months-old. If you or someone you know is currently pregnant, Hugh Grant IS the father. Don’t say, “but…but.. I didn’t fuck him.” But nothing, Hugh is the father and I won’t tell you I told you so when you read about in The Daily Mail in 1 or 2 years from now. Surprise, bitch, Hugh’s the father.

Yes, Hugh is a bareback slut who’s addicted to signing his name on child support checks, but at least he takes care of his kids financially, right? That’s more than I can say for some dads out there (Hi, dad!). But if Hugh keeps doing it raw dog style, he’s going to have his own personal little It’s A Small World. Shit, that’s probably what he’s going for.