Owen Wilson Is Somebody’s Father

Owen Wilson must’ve announced that he’s going to be a dad as soon as his girlfriend, Jade Duell (or Buell, one of those), dropped a waterfall of baby fluid, because their kid is already breathing air amongst us. Owen’s rep confirmed the BABY!!!!! BOY news to People and everyone is doing well…blah…blah…burp.

Star Magazine offered up a few more details. They say Jade, who works as a federal air marshal, gave birth at Owen’s fancy waterfront home in Maui yesterday morning at exactly 10:47. Owen seems like the type who would be into his girlfriend launching out their baby on a Slip ‘N Slide, so it was a water birth and Jade pushed with the help of a midwife. And as soon as their baby came yodeling into the world, Owen chewed the belly cord off with his gnarly teeth, grabbed his son, ran to the beach and held him up Lion King-style as the dolphins clapped.

That didn’t happen, but a source did say that Owen did a congratulatory “hula dance” all day. Yeah, I’m sure that was shortly after he passed around blue joints to his friends.

Owen’s rep didn’t give up their son’s name, but I’m sure they haven’t gotten around to it yet. They’ve been too busy holding a mirror up to their baby’s face and trying to calm his screeching cries of uncertainty by telling him that his nose is never going to look like a mangled peen.