Owen Wilson Is Now A Two-Time Member Of The Baby Daddy Club

The Butterscotch Slut strikes again! It feels like just yesterday Owen Wilson was busting a twangy nut into his piece-of-the-moment Jade Duell and then peace-ing the fuck out, and now – here we are almost exactly 3 years later – and it’s happening all over again! Frankly, I’m surprised he hasn’t barebacked his way to more babies; I almost got pregnant just from looking at his dick-nose (but there’s not enough room in my womb because my stomach is currently using it as storage).

Owen put his dick (you choose which one) into another woman, and E! says that this time the lucky lady is Owen’s personal trainer, Caroline Lindqvist. That’s gross, you two! The gym is nasty enough with sweaty assholes using the machines and not wiping them down after, but now I have to worry that the weight benches and yoga mats having fuck juices all over them too? Listen to me; talking like I’ve ever actually been to a gym (the Skittles on my desk just spelled out BITCH PLEASE).

Currently, we don’t know much about the baby except that Owen isn’t pursuing a relationship with the mother (which goes without saying, times a million) but all I care about is the baby’s name. Owen is from Texas and named his first baby Ford, so I hope he continues the tradition and keeps naming his kids after pickup trucks. This baby could be Dodge, the next one could be Chevy, then Sierra, Silverado, Ram, Durango, F-150, El Camino. Actually, El Camino is a hot name and sounds like it belongs to a future failed beauty queen and lead weather girl for an NBC affiliate station in Amarillo who stopped trying to hide the Taz tattoo on her left tit a loooong time ago (I think I just invented the classiest woman ever).