Two Hot Ageless Vampires Went To The Met Gala Last Night

Because the theme of last night’s Met Gala was China: Or Whatever You Feel Like Wearing, We Don’t Give A Shit, I thought I’d do some quick internet research to see if legendary panty-dampeners Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet were dressed up as anything in particular. The closest thing I found was something called a jiangshi, which is a Chinese vampire. I have no idea if they’re supposed to be dressed up as jiangshis, but it would make sense, since both Lenny and Lisa are ageless creatures that get younger looking every year and also sort of frighten me with their undead hotness.

Then again, they both look like totally different vampires. Lenny looks like a $9,000 an hour vampire escort who always smells like lube made from the screams of 400 year old consecrated souls, while Lisa looks like a haunted Victorian vampire doll named Countess de la Nightmares who comes alive every night and hovers silently over your bed while you sleep. Aka they both look hot as hell.

Their kid was also there too, and not surprisingly, she looked as hot as her parents.

Zoe Kravitz’s date was Miley Cyrus. I guess if I were to keep this vampire analogy going, Zoe Kravitz looks like the first runner up in a vampire beauty pageant (she didn’t win because her mom showed up mid-competition and stole the show), while Miley looks like a hillbilly zombie from the ol’ swimmin’ hole named Skooter McCrootch who came back to life when a bunch of dumb teenagers read the ingredients on a haunted bottle of Walmart-brand cough syrup backwards.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Basement Baby Came Prepared This Time

Almost one year ago, Basement Baby went all “FINISH HER!” on Jay Z in an elevator while leaving a Met Gala after-party. Well, at tonight’s Mess Gala, Basement Baby came prepared for war and Jay Z better not try shit.

To you, Basement Baby’s fucked-up dress may look like a CD that warped under the sun on a car’s dashboard. But to me, it looks like a shield of protection. If Jay Z tried to bring some Hunger Games shit on Basement Baby by shooting an arrow at her, that arrow would bounce right off of her dress. If Jay Z brought out his nunchucks and tried to take down Basement Baby, that shit would break right off as soon as he hit her dress. If Jay Z tried to punch Basement Baby in the chest, his knuckles would break on the crap she’s wearing.

Basement Baby is wearing a damn shield. If Jay Z tried any kind of shady shit, she could scream, “Everyone, get behind me,” before kicking at him. You can tell that Jay Z is scared too. Here he is at the Met Gala with Beyonce and you can definitely tell that he’s thinking to himself, “FUCK! Bitch wore a shield! So much for that taser I’ve got in my pocket.”

As for Beyonce’s dress… She looks like she dipped herself in Elmer’s glue and rolled around in some Fruity Pebbles and a bunch of broken Jolly Ranchers. Tomorrow, I better see some pictures of being Beyonce dragged out of the Met Gala by the FBI. Beyonce has gone too far with her acts of thievery this time. Beyonce committed felony theft tonight by stealing the look that international supermodel Phoebe Price wore to Elton John’s Oscar Party almost three whole months ago. Beyonce should be charged with blatantly thieving from Chicken Cutlets and for thinking that she could actually work it better. Somebody please CITIZEN’S ARREST her!

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com (Thanks @elmatthewcas)

And Suddenly, I Have A Real Craving For Cheesy Scrambled Eggs

“THIS BITCH!” said the coat check person when RiRi threw this 500-pound “Boboli slathered in nacho cheese” coat at them.

RiRi rolled up to the Met Gala Meth Gala tonight in a U-Haul, because it was the only rented vehicle in the NYC area that was big enough to hold the heavy ass cheese pizza she called a coat. Apparently, they had to shut down the red carpet when RiRi came through, because her “bigger than the sun” coat would have knocked a few bitches out as she strolled on up.

The thing about RiRi’s coat is that it can be many things. If I was there and stoned (which I’d have to be if I was there), I would’ve nibbled on that coat, because it looks like a pupusa covered in cheese. If Kim Kuntrashian was on the carpet at the same as RiRi, she would’ve rolled all up in that coat, because it looks like a giant puddle of piss. It’s like the aftermath of the golden shower of all golden showers. That’s some full bladder shit. If Vanessa Paradis was there, she’d stare at it lovingly, because she’d remember all the times she jacked Johnny Depp off and ended up with a giant glob of dick cheese on her hand.

No, I don’t like that RiRi stole Coco Peru’s wig. But I do appreciate the fact that her eyebrows are shaped like baseballs bats and her coat thing kind of looks like a condom.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

I REBUKE THEE! I REBUKEE THEE!

About six seconds after the red carpet for the Met Gala MESS Gala opened up, Sarah Jessica Parker galloped on through looking like a cultural appropriation demon, because she wanted to let everyone know to prepare to be uh-fucking-fended.

If you’re looking at that wreck and thinking to yourself, “Is the theme ‘Flames, Flames, FLAMES, On The Side Of My Face,” you’re wrong. I wish you were right, but you’re wrong. The theme is China: Through The Looking Glass. Bitch got the “China” part right and she got the “Through The Looking Glass” part right too, because she definitely looked right through the looking glass instead of at it.

I first saw SJP’s terrifying Heat Miser as a Final Fantasy villain headdress thing in a video on Vogue’s Twitter and I’m not going to embed it here, because I care about you too much (“Says the evil whore who is always posting about the Kuntrashians” – you) and it’s the reason why I will sleep with a crucifix in my hands tonight. That video is like a scene from Dragon Ball Z: The Horror Movie.

SJP looks like the movie Big Trouble In Little China got creampied in the ass by an Oriental Trading Company catalog before wet farting on her.

You know, this is a mess, but at least SJP tried. 90% of the hos I’ve seen so far look like they said “fuck you” to the theme and got their outfits from Rent-A-Prom-Dress.com

Pics: Getty