I REBUKE THEE! I REBUKEE THEE!

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

About six seconds after the red carpet for the Met Gala MESS Gala opened up, Sarah Jessica Parker galloped on through looking like a cultural appropriation demon, because she wanted to let everyone know to prepare to be uh-fucking-fended.

If you’re looking at that wreck and thinking to yourself, “Is the theme ‘Flames, Flames, FLAMES, On The Side Of My Face,” you’re wrong. I wish you were right, but you’re wrong. The theme is China: Through The Looking Glass. Bitch got the “China” part right and she got the “Through The Looking Glass” part right too, because she definitely looked right through the looking glass instead of at it.

I first saw SJP’s terrifying Heat Miser as a Final Fantasy villain headdress thing in a video on Vogue’s Twitter and I’m not going to embed it here, because I care about you too much (“Says the evil whore who is always posting about the Kuntrashians” – you) and it’s the reason why I will sleep with a crucifix in my hands tonight. That video is like a scene from Dragon Ball Z: The Horror Movie.

SJP looks like the movie Big Trouble In Little China got creampied in the ass by an Oriental Trading Company catalog before wet farting on her.

You know, this is a mess, but at least SJP tried. 90% of the hos I’ve seen so far look like they said “fuck you” to the theme and got their outfits from Rent-A-Prom-Dress.com

Pics: Getty

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