I’ll Take ‘Shack Her Up In The Whacko Basket For’ $200, Alex
Jimmy hats off to all of you whores and slores who wrote Santa a letter this year asking for a take-no-shit judge in Dina Lohan’s DWI case because according to TMZ, he has ordered her to undergo a full psych evaluation before returning to court on January 7.
Dina’s attorney, Mark Heller (who gives me serious shades of a miniature Rock Biter from The Neverending Story) told the judge that she is sober following her September arrest where she blew a .20, but he wasn’t buying it. I don’t know, maybe he has a little thing called THE INTERNET and already knows Dina is so full of shit that’s the reason her eyes are brown.
Mark blamed the DWI on the pressures of the paparazzi following Dina. Who knew it was so hard being one half of the asshole parentage of a washed up child actor that it would keep someone from calling a cab, instead making them slide across the hood of their car (using stank ass cooch secretions as lube) like some kind of boozed up Bo Duke and driving off in a cloud of fumes that could knock a buzzard of a shit wagon?
You know during the evaluation, the psychologist will hold up random inkblots and all Dina will see is herself as a Rockette, Ali on the cover of Vogue, a six pack of Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers and Lindsay holding an Oscar in the first four. In the fifth, she’ll see Michael face down in a ditch wearing a mesh shirt (DO NOT if you just ate or are about to). Dina won’t even need to come up with anything off the cuff about how wonderful her family is- she can just regurgitate all the bullshit from the video TMZ has of Mark talking up Gin Cleaver.