Kate Upton Is Too Basic For Victoria’s Secret

If the Victoria’s Secret Angels are flawless and rare diamonds found at the bottom of the ocean after Gloria Stuart threw them overboard, then Kate Upton is a fake gold necklace in the briefcase boutique of a Mexican dude selling jewelry and house dresses on a beach in Tijuana. The VS Angels are special beauties and Kate Upton will turn your skin green. That’s what a casting director for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show basically told The New York Times (via UsWeekly) last week.

Kate Upton’s Photoshopped crotch has already been seen by the eyes of millions on the cover of SI: Swimtsuit Edition, but that’s not good enough for VS. The casting director, Sophia Neophitou, sharpened her shank of a tongue and then slashed this out:

“We would never use [Kate Upton for a Victoria’s Secret show]. She is too obvious. She’s like a Page 3 girl. She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”

DAMN. That shit seems harsh until I tell you that Sophia walked in on Kate Upton sucking her husband off, punching her child with one hand and choking her kitten out with the other while pissing on her favorite pair of shoes.

I sort of agree that Kate Upton is what you get when you walk into a 99 Cent Store and ask for an Amber Heard, but she’s harmless and I’m sure she’ll do just fine without wearing a fucking Mardi Gras float on her back during a VS show.

If it’s true that I inherited Miss Cleo’s SLYCIC skills, then I’m sure Kate Upton will get cast in Transformers 4 (after she washes Michael Bay’s Ferrari like nobody else) and make millions from her line of bikini bottoms shaped like Doritos. Then she’ll date Leonardo DiCatchAHo for a minute before marrying Tiger Woods without a prenup. Ho will be fine.

And if irony loves me, it will tell me that at last night’s Sports Illustrated party in NYC, Kate Upton wore a dress from the VS catalog. I mean, it does look like it.