Oh, Jakey Just Wants Her To Write A Song About Him

To me, Jakey Gyllenhaal is a wholesome 14-year-old white country girl on the inside and a fragile Brawny man on the outside, so this pairing really isn’t pulling a WTF out of me. Can’t you just picture Jakey and Taylor Swift skipping hand-in-hand down a dirt country road while whistling the melody to some Disney song and waving at the birds in the trees and shit. Then Taylor pulls out her ukulele (or whatever the hell she carries around) and serenades Jakey with a song about how a rainbow is just a black cloud’s smile while he twirls around the strawberry patch like the precious ballerina princess he is. They are like every montage from every G-rated romantic comedy or animated film.

Both Lainey Gossip and Life & Style’s Scene Queens are saying that 20-year-old Taylor and 29-year-old Jakey have been spending a little time together. Lainey says that Taylor brought Jakey to the SNL after-party to hang out with her friend Emma Stone. And a source tells Life & Style that Jakey and Taylor were holding hands while struttin’ their asses around Park Slope in Brooklyn yesterday afternoon.

And I bet they were giggling. Taylor Swift’s natural squint is due to her foolish ass giggling all the time! They don’t even talk, they just giggle and peck at each other’s cheeks. Like I’m sure they even held hands and giggled in front of their lawyers at the contract signing for their new relationship.

Vintage Jakey Gyllenhaal

The hair says: MasterCuts Sunday afternoon special.

The glasses say: Picked out from the designer section at LensCrafters.

The smirk says: “I will remind the teacher that our homework assignment is due today.”

The whole thing says: “Did you know a human head weighs 8lbs?”

Reese Witherspoon is going to kick herself in the chin when she sees this, because this is what her child with Jakey could’ve looked like!

via Buzzfeed

Jakey Smokes Pot, Not The Pole

This is what Janet Charlton is saying anyway. Janet says that everybody needs to stop calling Jake Gyllenhaal “Jake Gayllenhaal” or Toothy Tile, because she has it on good authority that he doesn’t like a hard peen on his tongue. According to Janet, he prefers a bong on his tongue instead. Janet says this is the real reason why his relationship with Reese Witherspoon didn’t work out. From Janet:

“At last the truth comes out. An acquaintance of Reese and Jake acknowledges that they were very smitten with each other for quite awhile and seemed perfectly matched. Unfortunately, Jake had a habit that Reese could not live with, and he wouldn’t give it up. He smoked way too much. And we’re not talking nicotine here. Not only did it rub Reese the wrong way, but she worried about her children being exposed to his bad habits. So, regretfully, she moved on. Note: those of you who insist that Jake is gay are NUTS.”

NUTS? Kind of like what Jake likes on his…..Okay, I’ll shut my fingers about that already! No more of that shit. Janet would never tell a lie, so I will update my files to say that Jake is straighter than a quick trip to the outhouse (copyright: some hillbilly who said that to me outside of a gas station in Tennessee)! And if Jakey ever needed a quit hit, I’d gladly let him take one off my bong. Anytime!

Jakey Zeros In On A Bottom

At the Lakers vs. Celtics game last night, Jakey G side-eyed a piece walking up the aisle and quickly decided that the situation was important enough for him to crane his neck to get a better look. Jakey is obviously thinking what we’re all thinking, “Ew. Homegirl needs a hot oil treatment STAT! And that bag so doesn’t go with those shoes. Embarrassing!”

It’s Yillen-Hoolah-Hay!

During an interview for Prince of Persia, Jakey Gyllenhaal schooled an interviewer on the correct way to pronounce his last name. And by “schooled” I mean he totally pulled the dude’s dick without release. Jakey jokes that his last name is Swedish and it’s really pronounced “Yillen-Hoolah-Hay.” It’s Swedish for “loves balls on chin.”

But seriously, this does sound right because I’m pretty sure “hoooooolah-haaaaaaaay” is the sound Jakey’s b-hole makes when it exhales.

via Buzzfeed

Jakey On GQ

It really doesn’t bother me that Jakey Gyllenhaal looks like a delicately oven roasted chicken lollipop in granpappy’s Easter suit on the cover of GQ. But it does bother me that they oh-so-carefully placed his tie OVER his special bubble boy area. Cock blocking is offensive in any form.

Anybigheadonlittlebody, Jakey talks to GQ (via HuffPo) about everything from Heath Ledger’s death to life without a beard to play Mall Madness with in the middle of the night.

Jakey on Heath’s death: “I don’t really like talking about it. That period of time was…it was difficult. He was very sensitive. He didn’t always have a sense of performance in his everyday life. He knew who he was. I think actors very often, they know how to present something, and that’s part of their job. I think he was just really sensitive. We often used to do a lot of things together, because people were very interested in him and I think we felt safe together. Even when we did Brokeback and stuff, it was like my work was the only thing that mattered to me. It was like I could only understand or define myself through doing that. Life, I didn’t totally understand. And I think I was afraid of life. And I had success in my work, enough success that you could keep going back there. But after that happened…I think I recognized that it was work. And I recognized that this is for real.”

Jakey on being single: “It’s…it’s okay…. It goes in either direction. I think it’s important for every man to find the right woman and every woman to find the right man…. Who am I to say what the most important thing in life is? The best answer I could give to any of those things is that I really don’t know. Particularly right now in my life.”

Every man has to find the right woman and vice versa?! Fuck me in the throat with a Reese Witherspoon romcom. If by the “right woman,” Jakey personally means the perfect lady friend who will tell you to brush your teeth because your breath smells like old jizz or who will throw a cocktail in the face of the fuck buddy who did you wrong, then I’m right there with him. Every straight man needs a straight woman just as much as every fruit needs a fly.