Category: International Treasure
Carol Burnett Won The SAG Awards In More Ways Than One
Carol Burnett is a Hollywood legend, a Hall of Fame ginger and a treasured jewel who as far as I know hasn’t said any kind of eye roll-worthy shit in public (cut to someone e-mailing me an article from a few years ago of Carol Burnett committing a major sin by saying that In-N-Out tastes like old dog balls). So Carol already won the SAG Awards last night just by showing up but she really won when she accessorized her Bob Mackie pantsuit dress thing with slippers.
I don’t even care that those slippers are UGGs and we all know that UGGs are the devil’s creation. UGG slippers are basically CROCs in a fur coat made from Lucifer’s ass hairs. But if Carol Burnett wants to wear evil Ninth Circle oven mitt slippers, she can! If my own abuelita ever showed up to a party wearing UGG slippers I would definitely judge her with my eyes, but I wouldn’t say shit, because the only thing worse than getting slapped in the mouth with a chancleta is getting slapped in the mouth with an UGG slipper.
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler presented Carol with one of those happy serial killer-faced Lifetime Achievement SAG Awards last night. Sadly, Carol changed out of her puffy Satanic slippers and into a pair of sensible Easy Spirit pumps before accepting her award on stage.
Carol should’ve kept them on and made the tricks in the room kiss her ugly UGG slippers like the way Leonardo DiCatchAHo kissed the Pope’s ring.
And Now For Some Golden Words Of Wisdom From Grace Jones
Goddess of the universe, Grace Jones, is releasing her memoirs titled “I’ll Never Write My Memoirs” later this month and Time Out London stuck the tip in a bit by posting a piece from it. It I had to only go by the piece Time Out London posted, I’d say that Grace’s memoirs will replace Rue McClanahan’s memoirs as my new Holy Bible. In the excerpt, Grace calls out all of the pop tricks of today (Miley Cyrus, RiRi, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Rita Ora, Sia, Madonna, etc) for copying everyone including her, and she also throws out a little blind item. Grace writes about a pop star she calls “Doris,” who is a manufactured puppet and wanted to work with her. You should read the entire sermon from the Church of Grace here, but I’ve thrown a few quotes after the cut.
FINALLY, Betty White Gives Her Thoughts On The Killing Of Cecil The Lion
Everyone can go ahead and stop giving their opinion on that asshole dentist killing Cecil the Lion, because the only voice that matters has finally bestowed her thoughts upon us. As everyone raged, I wondered, “But what does Betty White think?” I finally got my answer. The 93-year-old international treasure and gift to living things is hosting a block of animal specials for Discovery in August called “Pawgust” and while promoting it, she told the Associated Press what she thinks of Walter Palmer.
“You don’t want to hear some of the things I want to do to that man. It’s such a heartbreaker. You can’t even talk about it, and to see this king of the jungle and personifying it in every way, this gorgeous creature. How can somebody do that?”
I bet that after reading that statement, Eli Roth wondered what would Betty White do to that man if they were locked in a room together. And then Eli Roth took his ass to a movie studio to pitch Hostel: Part IV – Betty White v. Trophy Hunters.
Liza’s In Rehab
In a rehab facility in Malibu somewhere, international treasure Liza Minnelli will stand up in front of a group of people and say, “My name is Liza with a Z and I’m alcoholic,” before she gets up on a chair and does a few minutes of “Mein Herr.” (This is how it happens in my head) Both People and TMZ say that Liza jazz walked into rehab a few days ago to deal with her addiction to the sweet nectar. This isn’t her first time in rehab. She’s done rehab a few times. Liza’s rep says that she’s doing really well and may leave in the next few days. Her rep also said this:
“Liza Minnelli has valiantly battled substance abuse over the years and whenever she has needed to seek treatment she has done so. She is currently making excellent progress at an undisclosed facility.”
You can do it again, Liza! You were married to David Gest for 16 months. You can do anything.
I was talking to my friend, who is a grown gay, about this on IM and I brought up how Judy Garland overdosed when she was just 47 and he said, “What the fuck does Judy Garland have to do with this?” And I said, “Um, is this a joke?” And he said, “No. What do you mean?” And I said, “Judy Garland gave birth to Liza, you fucking dumbass!” And he said, “Oh, I didn’t know they were related.” What in the hell kind of grown gay doesn’t know that? How dreadful. As soon as he said he didn’t know that, he told me he was going to log off and jack off to some hot chicks on Brazzers. Yup, admitting out loud that you didn’t know that Liza is Judy Garland’s daughter instantly turns you straight.
UsWeekly also mentioned that Liza was offered $500,000 to join Celebrity Rehab in 2010. Thank God she didn’t do that. Some of us would have had to turn to the bad shit to deal with watching a Hollywood legend on a Vh1 reality show with Dr. Drew.
Good News, Everyone: Richard Simmons Is Fine!
No, this isn’t a recent picture of Richard Simmons, but I like to imagine this is how he answered the door for the police officers who came by to check up on him to prove he was A-OK. “Dispatch, this is Officer Brown. I have received visual confirmation that Richard Simmons is still a vivacious elf. Over.”
You should be throwing your arms in the air to Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” and giving praise to the legwarmer-wearing gods above today, because after many months of wondering about the health and wellness of Richard Simmons, TMZ says that he’s doing alright. That wooshing sound you just heard was a giant sigh of relief from anyone who has ever jumped on one of those tiny trampolines in their basement while watching a VHS copy of Sweatin’ to the Oldies.
According to TMZ, one of Richard’s friends sent an email to the L.A. County District Attorney’s Elder Abuse Unit last month claiming that 66-year-old Richard was being abused by someone who was clearly looking for a one-way ticket to Hell. So on Friday night around 7pm, two LAPD officers paid a visit to Richard’s house to investigate. When the cops showed up, they were greeted by Richard himself, who invited them in to his home, because Richard is a true gentleman and perfect host.
The police officers spent an hour with Richard and reported that he was “articulate, lucid, relaxed” and appreciative of their concern, adding that he couldn’t have been nicer and more gracious. They say Richard explained to them he’s has been hiding out at home because he’s “exhausted” from spending the past 30 years as a public person. That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. Imagine spending 30 years being Richard Simmons? Even cocaine is like “I don’t know where he finds the energy.”
They also say he’s still walking with a limp because of his bum knee, and that he has a beard now (which I bet makes him look super handsome, like a young Bob Ross). Richard also explained why he hasn’t been to his Beverly Hills fitness studio recently, saying “I’ve got people who run things. I don’t need to be there.” Truth! Richard, you’re rich and old and put in your time; you deserve to sit back and let someone else do the click clack!
¡Santo Dios! The Duchess Of Alba Is In The Hospital!
Human ray of sunshine Richard Simmons is suffering from the sads and a busted knee, and now the royal dandelion sent from heaven, the Duchess of Alba, is in the hospital. The universe is a bastard and is dimming everything that is beautiful and special in this ugly world.
The Olive Press says that the Duchess of Alba (full name: Excma. Sr.ª D.ª María del Rosario Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva, 18th Duchess of Alba de Tormes, Grandee of Spain) checked into a hospital in Sevilla on Sunday night. The 88-year-old royal jewel who has a million more titles than that peasant Dame St. Angie Jolie lives in Sevilla in one of her many opulent palaces. The Duchess of Alba’s rep says that she’s got pneumonia and even though she’s in a bad way, she’s slowly getting a little better.
“She had suffered a stomach virus a few days earlier but had recovered from it. Now she has pneumonia. At her age, one thing leads to another. She is weak. We are worried because we love her very much.”
The Duchess of Alba’s 64-year-old husband Alfonso Diez has been with her at the hospital.
Ugh, pneumonia. Pneumonia needs to fuck itself with its silent p. How dare it mess with the Duchess of Alba. If only pneumonia was a human peasant, the Duchess of Alba could use her power and 500 titles to send it to the gallows where it belongs. Well, here’s hoping that the Duchess of Alba and Richard Simmons get better and give the rainbows a reason to come out again by salsa dancing in the middle of a square in Sevilla.