Brent McMahon Has Challenged Taylor Lautner To A Push-Up Contest

Brent McMahon, the RV dealership owner who is responsible for filling Taylor Lautner’s eye basin with tears of anxiety, wants to settle their dispute by taking off their shirts and breaking into a sweat until all of their muscles are sore. That really sounds like the beginning of a recurring wet dream that sends tingles down to Tommy Girl’s Scientolohole.

Taylor sued Brent McMahon’s RV company last week after they failed to deliver his customized $300,000 movie trailer on time. Brent’s lawyer told the Associated Press that Taylor is willing to settle the case for $40,000, but he has another idea. 47-year-old Brent has challenged 18-year-old Taylor to a push-up contest. Whoever wins gets the $40,000. Brent says he will donate his winnings to charity.

If Taylor doesn’t accept the offer Brent and his lawyers will fight the case with a mighty fist.

Taylor has teenage lungs and sleeps walks into his home gym to do sleep push-ups in the middle of the night, so my guess is that somebody (possibilities: Brent himself, Brent’s Twihard wife, etc..) is just looking for an excuse to see Jacob Black’s ripply nalgas move up and down live and in person! I see you. Brent needs to stop and get in line behind Tommy Girl.

A Victory For Home Wreckers!

Siohvaughn Wade, the estranged wife of Dwayne Wade, filed a lawsuit against his girlfriend Gabrielle Union a few months ago for causing emotional distress to her children by doing ho shit (Yes, that’s the official legal term in Illinois) in front of them. In her lawsuit, Siohvaughn claimed that Dwayne and Gabrielle’s display of “sexual foreplay” in front of her boys caused one them to lose some of his hair due to stress.

The lawsuit made some of the professional home wreckers out there shake in their house stompin’ heels, but they don’t have to shake anymore! The Toronto Sun reports that a judge has shit all over the lawsuit it and officially dismissed it. The judge cited “improper jurisdiction” which translates into: Bitch, handle your own mess.

Gabrielle’s lawyer had this to say outside of the court house in Illinois: “The allegations against Ms. Union are completely false and do not belong in the Illinois Court System.”

That means Sienna Miller, Fantasia and LeAnn Rimes can keep on running their bull dozer vaginas through planned community after planned community without having to worry about a stupid lawsuit clogging up their motors. Victory!

Life-Changing News For Twihards!

The obsessed Twihards who write RPattz daily love letters on their freshly worn panties should never stop, because there’s a chance that one day in the far future when he’s going through all his fan mail from the glory days he’ll look down at the period dot on your chonies and instantly fall in love. Just ask 57-year-old Butch Patrick who played Eddie Munster on The Munsters. Butch is marrying his longtime fan Donna McCall. Donna first wrote Butch a fan letter back in 1964 and their pen pal relationship continued for a few years.

They eventually lost touch with each other until Donna, a retired pharmacist, e-mailed Butch a couple of years ago to say that she was thinking of him. Butch wrote her back and their love was born again! Butch just moved to West Chester, PA from Los Angeles to be with his new fiancee. Donna told MyFoxPhilly, “My first crush was Butch Patrick. I met him for the first time, but I feel like I’ve known him forever. It’s a great love story. We’re very happy together.”

This is just the battery I need to keep my delusional dream of marrying Mah Boo Anderson Cooper one day going strong. Yes, I’ll have to wait until all the silver on his head has turned to rust and he can’t giggle without coughing up a Metamucil-flavored moth ball, but it will happen!

Here’s a picture of Donna and Eddie Munster today.

And yes, that’s Eddie Munster and not his old doll Woof Woof.

Cameron Diaz Isn’t Looking For An 80 Year Long Fuck

Cameron “I’m Always Traveling For Cock” Diaz thinks that some of us grow up believing that we will all meet that one person we will want to spend the rest of our days with. That one person who will give you the awwws in the heart during your first kiss, and will still give you the awwws in the heart 60 years later when they accidentally shit in the bed. Cameron really isn’t into that mess, and says that maybe we should be on the hunt for a bitch to fuck for the next 5 years instead of 80 years. If Cameron said “5 days,” she would’ve mouth farted the new ho shit motto!

Cameron tells Stylist Magazine (via USA Today), “I think the big misconception in our society is that we’re supposed to meet the one when we’re 18 and we’re supposed to get married to them and love them for the rest of our lives.Who would want to be with the same person for 80 years? Why not break it up a little bit? … Have someone for five years and another person for another five years. Life is long and lucky and yes, love might last forever, but you don’t always live with the person you love forever.””

It’s true that the only thing that wants to spend the rest of its life with Cameron Diaz is a bottle of Proactiv, but maybe the trick has a point. We’re in the Golden Age of WHORES (YAY!!!), so it doesn’t take much for us to get thirsty for another set of genitals. Is there really a peen or poon out there that you’ll still want to lick on in 30 years like it’s a scoop of Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream from Thrifty’s?

I would tell CHERYL BURKE that she’s the most luxurious mop in the bucket if Mah Boo Anderson Cooper agreed to flash his Vanderballs at me. But do I really want to look at Mah Boo’s peen for 80 damn years?………Wait….Where was I? My train of thought just crashed into a field of silver and I’m not getting back on.

Here’s Cameron Diaz with Tommy Girl at the London premiere of Knight & Gay last night. Look at Tommy stand on his tippy toes in his platform heels! Stretch, girl, streeeeeetch…

A Potent Shot Of Perfection

Now this is what a constipated Chucky Doll looks like after getting a discount makeover from a crackhead beautician with Tourettes at a Glamour Shots in the mini-mall, and it is so many layers of RIGHT!

Here’s famed Rumpologist Jackie Stallone almost percolating her wig off at an event with her son Frank in Los Angeles last night. Jackie is giving herself the vapors! Even Jackie’s exquistely applied lip liner is slowly weeping from being so close to her beauty. It knows that it’s not worthy. Or maybe it’s trying to slither away towards the nearest exit (NEVER!!!).

It’s as if you covered one of Carrot Top’s nutsacks with every product Oil of Olay has to offer! You can cancel church tomorrow, because you’ve already been graced with a higher power this weekend.

No Stairs For Naomi, Thankyouverymuch

A company called Moodform Mission is suing Naomi Campbell for breaking a 12-year-old perfume contract with them, because she’s a crazed entitled bitch. In the affidavit, which was snatched by Page Six, Naomi’s former agent and Moodform’s co-director said that she was a living nightmare who was always late and even tried to attack a bitch with a perfume bottle. If the affidavit also states that Naomi glared at staff members in disgust as though they were a corroded piece of raisin stuck in a fat hog’s ass, then all of that would sound about right. That’s our Naomi! That’s our cunt!

Naomi is throwing a bedazzled Blackberry back at Moodform’s face by counter-suing them. Naomi claims that she never knew her former agent was affiliated with Moodform. Naomi also says that Moodform stole a piece of her profits. Naomi’s lawyer is asking the court to throw that shit out and he pleaded his case in this hilarious statement: “The human element that brings the parties before the court is clear: greed, ingratitude and a grotesque sense of entitlement on the part of Campbell that, in her mind, justifies her doing anything she wants to do, including stealing her business partners’ money and then lying about what happened.”

All he had to say was: “Dear judge, if you don’t throw this out, Naomi is going to throw me off a bridge. Here’s a picture of my kids. Love, Naomi’s lawyer“.

The best part of the affidavit is that the Moodform people claim that Naomi backed out of an event, because she didn’t want to walk up two flights of stairs and the venue’s elevator was broken. HA.

You know, if I was Naomi Campbell I wouldn’t want to walk up stairs, cross the street or take a bath in a room with electrical sockets. Bitch has more enemies than Gerard Butler has warts on his dick. It’s a serious matter! One of her many arch rivals is always waiting for the perfect opportunity to push or trip her! Naomi should’ve made one of her minions carry her up the stairs.

Then again, if I was one of her minions I’d purposely break both my arms on the spot so I would have a valid excuse to NOT carry her ass. Carrying Naomi is the equivalent of carrying a shark on a skinny wooden plank over a pool of baby seals. Nothankyouverymuch!