Category: Ice-T
Open Post: Hosted By A Heaping Serving Of Pure Demureness
37 years ago, a glitter-covered oyster floated to the surface of the ocean and the waves carried it to the end of a rainbow where two unicorns were raw dog fucking in the air. Just as the oyster opened up to reveal a shiny pink pearl inside, the man unicorn pulled out and came all over it, which transformed the pink pearl into the otherworldly goddess we know as CoCo! (That’s a 100% true story, by the way). The entire world should celebrate the birth of the ageless angel with one, big camel toe parade, but since the world doesn’t know shit, CoCo had to celebrate her birthday at some club in Las Vegas over the weekend.
CoCo blew chunks of elegance into the eyes of the people when she worked the carpet with her man Ice-T. CoCo redefined sophistication by wearing a Versayce dress that could barely hold in her spectacular titty globes. Yes, that dress was made by Versace, apparently. It really does take a certain juh-nay-say-kwa to make an elegant dress that probably cost thousands of dollars look like it was pulled off of the floor under a clearance rack at a hooker clothing store in a strip mall on the outskirts of Reno. Only CoCo! Only CoCo!
Pics: Wenn.com
Our New Chosen One Has Arrived!
Go ahead and flip to December 25th on your calendars and scratch out the words “Christmas Day, ” because our new savior has been born. November 28th is our new Christmas! People says that today, CoCo, our modern day Virgin Mary and the reigning Empress of the Camel Toes, gave birth to our new messiah. CoCo and Ice-T are now parents to a baby girl. Praise our new elegant messiah!
36-year-old CoCo and 57-year-old Ice-T announced a while ago that they were giving their first child together a name as elegant as them.
The couple welcomed their first child together, daughter Chanel Nicole, on Saturday, Nov. 28, their rep confirms to PEOPLE. Born at 11:47 a.m. in Englewood, New Jersey, the baby girl weighed in at 5 lbs., 7 oz.
Baby Chanel is the couple’s first child together and the third for Ice-T, 57, who is already father to adult children Tracy and Letesha from previous relationships.
“5lbs, 7 oz” must be a typo. I mean, that gorgeous portrait of CoCo in demure maternity wear was taken during her 36th week. I know, I’m zero weeks knocked up and after the eating holiday I’ve had, I look 36 weeks pregnant more than her ass does. So, I’m guessing that she gave birth to a tiny jewel of a baby who’s about the size of her French tip and weighs less than a swan’s breath.
CoCo also tweeted a picture of the luckiest baby in the world.
Surprise!!! Look who came early!! Welcome the new arrival of Chanel Nicole.. A beautiful healthy 5.7 pound baby girl pic.twitter.com/fufB3vorHM
— Coco (@cocosworld) November 28, 2015
Chanel Nicole is definitely saying to herself, “Oh my GOD, I can’t believe how GORGEOUS my mother is!’ Congratulations to Chanel Nicole for getting to have CoCo as a mother! And congratulations to us all, because CoCo and Ice-T will definitely teach Chanel Nicole how to be as elegant as them and this world definitely needs more elegance in it.
Pic: Instagram
Coco And Ice-T Are Giving Their Baby A Name As Luxurious And Elegant As Them
Last week, we all breathed a sigh of relief after finding out that the future of sophistication is looking bright thanks to Coco being pregnant with her first child. Coco and Ice-T announced on their talk show that the heir to their kingdom of elegance is currently growing in her body. Well, Coco and Ice-T are continuing to get those ratings by dropping details of their unborn baby on their show. On today’s show, Coco and Ice-T told everyone that their first child together is a girl and they even announced her name.
I was really, really hoping that Coco (born name: Nicole Natalie Austin) and Ice-T (born name: Tracy Lauren Marrow) would stick with their family’s beverage name theme by naming their bundle of baby Bacardi Breezer T or Pearl Milk T. But they’re not doing that. Coco and Ice-T have decided that their family needs to completely pay homage to Coco Chanel so they are naming their daughter CHANEL. Most of the Chanels I have met are white Pomeranians, but I once knew a woman whose name was Chanel and she only sang Spice Girls songs at karaoke and I never saw her without a Swarovski stick-on crystal tattoo on her arm. So Chanel T is in good company.
Here’s the clip of Coco and Ice-T announcing that she’s pregnant with a Chanel:
If you watched the rest of that clip then you saw Coco show off her stomach while asking everyone to guess how far along she is. Coco is 21 weeks, so that’s everyone’s cue to scream, “OHMYGAWD NO WAY!” But please, we all know that Coco’s fetus isn’t growing in her stomach area. Her fetus is obviously growing in her ass cheeks. I mean, why live in a studio apartment (read: Coco’s womb) for 9 months when you can live in a sprawling, 8,000 square foot mansion with cathedral ceilings (read: her ass)?
America’s Most Elegant Couple To Bestow The Most Elegant Baby Upon The World
There’s been so much shitty and depressing news around here that we really needed some uplifting news that will give us hope for our future, and leave it to CoCo and Ice-T to give us that. The undisputed Empress of the Camel Toe has announced that growing in her pink rhinestone-encrusted womb is the heir to her and Ice-T’s kingdom of demure elegance. 36-year-old CoCo is pregnant with the baby she made with her 57-year-old husband of 14 years Ice-T. This will be CoCo’s first child and Ice-T already has two grown kids and a 20-year-old grandson (who is currently facing manslaughter charges). It is a good day when we find out that CoCo will teach another human her ways.
While taping her new talk show with Ice-T on Friday, CoCo told the audience that in a few months, her crown jewel of a vagina will release a bundle of preciousness that is more valuable than the cloud of diamond dust she usually queefs out. For those of us who weren’t lucky enough to be at her show’s taping on Friday, CoCo tweeted the news this morning while pushing the premiere date of her new show.
I'm pregnant!!! Yah!! Ice & I are so excited! I announced it Friday on our new talkshow which airs Aug 3rd. pic.twitter.com/CYVHKD5yud
— Coco (@cocosworld) July 27, 2015
With this pregnancy, CoCo is going to clench her title as the undisputed camel toe champion. When she steps out in maternity Spandex leggings, her crotch is going to look like an entire nail salon for camels. CoCo’s pregnant camel toe is going to shut down all camel toes.
And as for the baby’s name…..
Since CoCo and Ice-T both have names that can be found on a Starbucks menu, I’m hoping that they name their little baby friend Chai Latte T.
Pic: Splash
How In The Hell Could I Forget This Delicate And Demure Blossom?
I spent my Halloween night getting drunk on white wine from Target and rolling around naked in a pile of unwrapped fun-sized candy bars. All of that sugar must’ve disintegrated the part of my brain that immediately recognizes grace and beauty, because I completely missed these extremely important pictures of CoCo and Ice-T at Heidi Klum’s Halloween party in NYC last night.
Forget all that ridiculousness I said about how Heidi Klum is the Queen of Halloween and blah blah blah blah… CoCo is truly the reigning Queen, Empress, Princess, Duchess and Lady of Halloween, Slutoween, Whoreoween and all of the above. Yes, Heidi Klum spent 45 days in a makeup chair and spend thousands of dollars on her little costume, but did she show up dressed like a slutty T-Rex schoolgirl getting attacked by two net-covered anacondas (or maybe those are sausages in a net)?
CoCo gets all the points minus one. I would’ve given her ALL the points with no minuses, but this needs more camel toe.
True Love Just Stepped Out On The Ledge
Today is a sad day, because it’s the day that I learned that CoCo and Ice-T’s love isn’t as rock solid as the silicone in her titty bags. Ice-T went to Twitter to pour out his feelings about some pictures of his beloved pearl CoCo kissing on some rapper. The SUPER DUPER MEGA WORLD EXCLUSIVE pictures from Media Take Out (via Necole Bitchie) show CoCo and Oakland rapper AP.9 posing like two high school seniors on prom night. Ice-T shook his head while tweeting (and deleting) this stream of woes:
Coco’s in Vegas. She has given me her explanation of the pics on the net from her first weeks out there with some dude. She said he knew someone in the crew from our show and would pop up where ever they would go. He also said he knew me.. I don’t know dude.
Regardless.. They would take Posed pics every time. Most of them disrespectful and in bad taste. She’s made me look.. And feel like sh-t.
I say this on Twitter because there’s no way to avoid the obvious misconduct of a married couple. That’s it. Any more questions ask @Cocosworld
Don’t get it twisted… I’m not happy about this sh-t.
Daily Game: Trust no one..
CoCo did respond and apologized for making Ice-T feel like Shit-T.
Woke up to people in a panic about some pics,please guys I’m happily married,sometimes fans & friends take silly pics.Its harmless. #RELAX
Ice is right,the pics I took with this man were in poor taste & I disrespected my husband however the pics were the only thing that happened
I feel so sad,the bottom line is I love Ice & I can understand why he’s upset theres no excuse for my actions.I’m so sorry baby & to evryonea
You’re probably thinking, “But for why are they airing out their dirty panties in public?!” Um, because Ice-T and CoCo are America’s first couple and we deserve an explanation for this! And because they have a reality show to sell. Even if this is just a shameless stunt to promote said reality show, I’m still frowning. I’m frowning, because how can CoCo pose with a rapper wearing a Gucci monogram hat? Does she not have any standards? Strangely enough, when I pout and frown, my quivering lips kind of look like CoCo’s camel toe when it’s about to stampede.