Prepare The Bridal Spanx, Christina Aguilera Is Getting Married!

February 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Something tells me this wasn’t a surprise engagement; those 8 layers of SprayGlo are giving you away, Xteeny! You’d think that a woman who’s been coating herself in Industrial Grade Foundation-Style Spackle™ for so long would know that you need to allow each coat to dry before applying the next so that it doesn’t cake up around your knuckles and make it look like you just finger-banged Scooter from The Muppets.

With yesterday being Valentine’s Day, I had a small bet with myself to see which couple was going to get engaged, because predictable hos ALWAYS gets engaged on Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, and Halloween (well, at least Pete Wentz types). I had $50 on Beelzebub finally making an honest hag out of Kris Jenner, but I should have put it on Xtina and her boyfriend Matthew Rutler! Last night, Xtina picked up a wifi signal on Gilligan’s Island and tweeted “He asked and I said….” followed by this picture of their two hands and dat ring. Speaking of, that’s a pretty nice ring for a dude who hasn’t worked since 2011. No! I’m sure her fiancé totally picked it out and paid for it himself (dat sarcasm).

I have a real soft spot in my black heart for Xtina (she gets an automatic pass forever because of this) so if she’s happy, I’m happy. Although, secretly I’m also happy because I know that if her wedding to Jason Bratman was any indication of future behavior, this next wedding will be an uncontrollable mess. Her first wedding dress was understated version of something from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, and the reception was like a Sauza-soaked New Jersey bachelor party, so I’m looking forward to Xtina throwing the words ‘classy’ and ‘demure’ out the window this time around (cut to her in the attic dusting off her old satin bridal coochie cutters).

(Pic: Christina Aguilera)

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