Kaley Cuoco And Henry Cavill Work Fast

Because Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill know that the tabloids are going to need a picture of them holding hands for their “Yep, We’re Fucking!” covers next week, they held hands while going grocery shopping for a ho stroll stroll in front of the paps in Sherman Oaks, CA yesterday. You can almost hear their publicists saying into the earpieces they’re wearing, “Okay Henry, put your hand in your pocket and make it look real casual. Okay, Kaley, do that McKayla face so it looks like you’re ‘meh’ about boning Superman even though we all know that we had to sedate your coochie for this photo-op, because it kept howling every time you touched him.”

These two just told us that they were doing it earlier this week and they’re already working those paps like Pimp Mama Kris is pulling their strings. They’re going to be papped house hunting tomorrow, shopping for engagement rings on Saturday, getting a marriage license on Sunday, buying baby clothes on Monday and coming out of the hospital with their new baby on Tuesday. These two are quickly becoming my favorite PRomance of all PRomances. Because just like Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes, jealous whores on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook are hating on Kaley like it’s their full-time job (aka like a blogger). Who knew that the blond Katy Perry meets Tori Spelling-looking trick from The Big Bang Theory could bring out emotions in anybody.  I love it.

Oh, and here comes trouble….

She’s like a young Kimmy Gibbler. I don’t know if she’s saying “Gaaaaarl, the hell is he doing with you?” or “Gaaaaaarl, get that PR!”

Pics: Splash

Superman’s New Piece Gets Two Coffees…..

Here’s Kaley Cuoco in Sherman Oaks, CA this morning, smiling for the paps while walking to her car with two coffees in each hand. TWO COFFEES! TWO COFFEES! Kaley’s publicist already bluntly let us know that she’s slurping on Henry Cavill’s peen and now here she is shoving it down our throats. (For reference: Here’s what she’s shoving down our throats. It obviously won’t go all the way down our throats, but it might touch our uvulas.) One coffee is for her and the other is for Superman, obviously. Or maybe one coffee is for her to down so she can get more energy to fuck Superman some more and the other cup is full of ice water to throw on her chocha when it starts to overheat. Evil bitch!

And in other news, the hell is she wearing?

Pics: Splash

No, This Isn’t Random At All

Both People and UsWeekly say that Henry Cavill has stopped humping Gina Carano and is now humping Kaley Cuoco from the The Big Bang Theory. If I was writing this post on my phone, auto-correct would change that last sentence to read: WHAT THE HELL?!

Kaley’s rep called UsWeekly from a blocked phone and said, “Hello, this is an anonymous source and I am calling to tell you that the multi-talented, gorgeous, People’s Choice-nominated actress Kaley Cuoco is dating Henry Cavill. Henry is a massive Big Bang Theory fan and he’s always wanted to date Kaley Cuoco. That’s K-A-L-E-Y space C-U-O-C-O. Goodbye!” The “source” really said that part about Henry always wanting to date Kaley. The laughs: Kaley’s publicist knows how to bring them.

The source also said that it’s just beginning stages of their relationship and they’re trying to keep it hush hush. Keep it hush hush? That’s the part that doesn’t make sense to me. When you’re doing Henry Cavill, you never close your mouth. When you’re not opening your mouth to wrap your lips around Henry’s peen, you’re opening your mouth to tell everyone that you’ve just wrapped your lips around Henry’s peen. You’d change your voicemail message to say, “Hi, I can’t come to the phone right now, because I’m too busy cumming on Superman’s crotch.” You’d change your e-mail signature to read, “If there’s any spelling or grammatical errors, blame it on the fact that Henry Cavill was doing me hard from behind while I typed this email.” Every time you had to sign a receipt, you’d sign it as the lucky bitch who gets to fuck Superman.

And I can’t hate on Kaley. A trick who wore a busted blond-Elvira-gone-wrong wig to the SAGs (see above) can pull in some hot British dick. Kaley Cuoco is truly living fucking the dream.

Henry Cavill Working Out Shirtless In A Commercial For The National Guard

The easiest way to get me to watch a commercial for The National Guard is to put a sweaty, topless Henry Cavill in it and make him pull heavy things and shit. Panty pudding runs down the streets today and it’s all because of this video of Superman lifting weights and showing us what he did to get his body buff ready for Buns Man of Steel. Henry talks about how it’s all journey and this and that, and the only thing I have to say is: LESS TALK! MORE NIPPLES!

This recruit video is totally doing its job, because it’s even making me want to sign up for The National Guard. But I’ll only sign up if they’ll assign me a position as Henry’s weights or I can lounge in the wheelbarrow eating Hot Fries while watching his sweaty bare back as he pulls me around. Yeah, I want that job.

via Towleroad

And We’re Back!

We’re alive! Well, as alive as a ho who’s only eaten Texas Toast all day can be. Please accept these pictures of Henry Cavill at last night’s NYC premiere of Man of Steel as a “sorry for all the damn changes” gift. I tried to find pictures from last night of Henry without all his clothes on, but for some reason he kept all his clothes on (SELFISH!) and the wind was really dumb for not blowing all his clothes off. You’ll have to use your imagination while you fap.

Thanks to Industry44, all my posts and the comments made it onto the new Dlisted. We’ve painted over the barf splatters on the wall and tried to scrub out all the cum stains in the carpet. Drunk whores are still passed out on the front stoop, but they’re never going to leave. There are a few changes. A featured post bar (which every other site has had since 2007, welcome us to 2007!) was added to the top, the gallery’s been changed up and the comment button has been moved from the bottom to the top of the post. And about the comment section…

The comment section is still a work in progress. I was going to move us all to Disqus, but I know some people have SERIOUS feelings about Disqus, so I’m going to wait. So for now, we’ll stay here and if this comment section works I’ll add more features. If it doesn’t, to Disqus we go! You can use the same username and password to login.

Because everything is new, the site will probably burp, fart and queef for the next couple of weeks. We’re still tweaking things as we go along too. And if you’re going to scream, “I HATE IT, LET’S GO BACK TO THE OLD SHIT,” make sure I’m drunk and stoned before you do it.

Photos: Splash, Wenn.com

The Look: Sookeh’s Black Licorice Dress And Predator Hair

Beeeeeeeeeehl can photobomb all he wants, but he can’t take the spotlight away from Soookeh’s movie theater snack of a dress and her Sunday afternoon hair. I call it Sunday afternoon hair, because that’s what it looks like when you comb leave-in-conditioner in your hair and let it sit in there while you catch up on episodes of Big Rich Texas.

Five months after giving birth to her twin fairy vampire babies, ASkars Jr. and ASkarina, Anna Paquin went to Tom Ford’s pre-Oscar party looking like a malnourished lady Predator who just sucked on a big, fat lemon. I just want to use one of Anna’s Ginsu knife cheekbones to cut a piece of licorice off her dress. Everybody should take note. Don’t bother styling your hair after you get out of the shower and always wear a dress that can double as a midnight snack.

Here’s a few pictures of some other hos at last night’s party: Tom Ford (looking like the hottest member of a secret non-government agency that polices extraterrestrial aliens…. keep Anna away from him!), Solange Knowles Miss J, Superman with Gina Carano, Allison Williams with her TV mom Rita Wilson, Garcelle Beauvais and Elton John with David Furnish.