Category: Happy Things

For The Zero Of You Who Didn’t Know: “Biggest Loser” Trainer Bob Harper Comes Out

November 27, 2013 / Posted by:

I stopped watching The Biggest Loser, because I could feel that muscular Steven Tyler look-alike Jillian Michaels judging me as I poured crumbs from a bag of Famous Amos directly into the not-so-famous anus on my face, but I really thought that Bob Harper proudly declared his love of hard dick and man ass a long, long time ago. I was wrong, because last night, I got a few emails telling me that Bob Harper came out on an episode of The Biggest Loser. At that moment I wish that I would’ve read the name “Bob Harper” as “Bob Barker,” because the image of Bob Barker spraying his tanned old man gravy on a pair of man nalgas would’ve been the perfect nighttime treat.

On last night’s episode, 48-year-old Bob Harper publicly came out to contestant Bobby Saleem who was struggling with coming out to his father. As Bobby threw a , “Girl, we know,” look, Bob Harper said to him:

“I’m gay. I knew a very long time ago that I was gay. When I ‘came out’ I was 17 years old, it was one of those kind of things, where I realized there was going to be so many obstacles. But being gay doesn’t mean that you are less than any.body.else. It’s just who you are.”

After the show, Bob Harper thanked all of his Twitter followers for filling his eyes with words of support.

And I think my headline should really read: Bob Harper Comes Out As A 48-Year-Old… because DAMN.

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Jennifer Lawrence Is The New Tom Hanks

November 12, 2013 / Posted by:

Somebody give Tom Hanks a sugar-free chocolate to cheer him up, because he’s sitting all alone and sad on a park bench sine Jennifer Lawrence took his title as the most-beloved nice guy movie star of our time. Actually, that’s not very nice of Jennifer Lawrence!

At The Hungry Games: Catching Fire premiere in London yesterday, Jennifer Lawrence was working the line when she saw a little fan crying in a wheelchair. If Jennifer Lawrence was Miley, she’d probably make the fan cry more by twerking on her face. But Jennifer made them move the barricade so she could have a moment with the girl. The part of me that actually feels things said, “Awww. She’s nice.” The part of me that is a bitter, cynical whore said, “SET UP! SET UP! What won’t she do to sell that movie?!”

Here’s Jennifer talking to her crying fan from another angle.

After Jennifer left, the girl cried even more, because she realized the woman with the short hair who she thought was her biggest idol, Katie Couric circa 1997, wasn’t Katie Couric circa 1997.

And here’s Jennifer, Elizabeth Banks, Miley’s ex and Peeta Bread at the Catching Fire premiere in Berlin today.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Gomer Pyle Is Gay And Married

January 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Here I was thinking that Jim Nabors announced his undying love for peen on a “SHAZAM! I’M GAY!” cover of People Magazine in the 1970s, but I guess I was wrong. I guess Gomer Pyle never publicly slid down the rainbow while proudly waving a rainbow flag, but he is now. Gomer Pyle (which sorts of sounds like the name of a sex act you’d get into at a massive gay orgy) has married the man he’s been with for longer than some of us have been breathing air. Jim Nabors told Hawaii News Now (via Towleroad) that he married his partner of 38 years, Stan Cadwallader, on January 15th at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel in Seattle.

“I’m 82 and he’s in his 60s and so we’ve been together for 38 years and I’m not ashamed of people knowing, it’s just that it was such a personal thing, I didn’t tell anybody. I’m very happy that I’ve had a partner of 38 years and I feel very blessed. And, what can I tell you, I’m just very happy.

“It’s pretty obvious that we had no rights as a couple, yet when you’ve been together 38 years, I think something’s got to happen there, you’ve got to solidify something. And at my age, it’s probably the best thing to do.”

Jim and Stan met in Honolulu in 1975 and they’ve been there ever since. I would say that this is Jim Nabors’ second marriage, but apparently that rumor that he married Rock Hudson in the early 70s is a lie and he’s denied it a million times.

Congratulations to Mr. and Mr. Gomer Pyle and congratulations to all the bitches at their wedding who shouted “Well, GAAAAWWWWW-LEEEEE” after the grooms kissed. I’m going to choose to believe that at the reception, Jim Nabors serenaded his new husband with his stunning rendition of “Take My Hand, Precious Lord” and I’m going to choose to believe that he changed the lyrics from “take my hand, precious lord” to “take my peen, precious lovah.”

David Bowie Is Back! Feliz Cumpleaños To Us All!

January 8, 2013 / Posted by:

It was 66 years ago that David Bowie fell to Earth inside of a star, and to celebrate this special day he has given us all the greatest gift of all. No, he didn’t announce that he’s starring in a remake of The Parent Trap with his planet twin Tilda Swinton. Bowie has given us a new song. Bowie’s new single is called “Where Are We Now?” and it should’ve been called “Where Are YOU Now?” because that’s the one question whores have been asking about him for years. Call off the search and tear his face off the milk carton, because Bowie has been found. Thank God.

David Bowie’s website announced that his new song can be downloaded on iTunes right this second and his first album in 10 years “The Next Day” comes out on March 12th (March 8th in Australia since they’re always in the future). Here’s a piece of what was written on the birthday card attached to Bowie’s gift to us:

In recent years radio silence has been broken only by endless speculation, rumor and wishful thinking ….a new record…who would have ever thought it, who’d have ever dreamed it! After all David is the kind of artist who writes and performs what he wants when he wants…when he has something to say as opposed to something to sell. Today he definitely has something to say.

Produced by long term collaborator Tony Visconti, ‘Where Are We Now?’ was written by Bowie, and was recorded in New York. The single is accompanied by a haunting video directed by Tony Oursler which harks back to David’s time in Berlin. He is seen looking in on footage of the auto repair shop beneath the apartment he lived in along with stark images of the city at the time and a lyric constantly raising the question Where Are We Now?

“The moment you know, you know you know” resonates from the new single’s lyric. Now we all know…David Bowie has been in the recording studio…just when we least expected it!!

And here’s his new song and video:

Who cares if those creepy conjoined teddy bear twins were made with Elf Yourself? I don’t even care that the cover for David Bowie’s new single is some MS Paint shit and that my dog could’ve done it with one paw while scratching at his anal glands with the other, I’m just happy that David Bowie is actually doing things. I’m also happy that in his triumphant return to music videos, David Bowie has included a starter butt plug. That’s what’s sitting on the table to the left, right? Yeah, I thought I recognized it. It’s been a while.

via Everywhere

Matt Dallas Publicly Comes Out In A Tweet

January 7, 2013 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift, Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger are all shedding a single tear while fearing for the future of bearding, because they’ve lost another one. Matt Dallas, who was Kyle in Kyle XY, has publicly declared his undying love for peen on Twitter (via Towleroad) by announcing that he’s engaged to a dude. So Matt Dallas shouted “I LOVE PEEN!” and then every dude with a peen who loves dudes who loves peen is like, “YAY! More options for me!” But then Matt Dallas breaks boners by saying he’s not single and he’s not an option. This is like if In-N-Out announced their new home delivery service and then in the next breath said that unfortunately, all delivery slots are filled forever! Sorry.

Matt Dallas coming out as gay is about as shocking and unpredictable as me announcing that I had a pot cookie and a cream soda for dinner last night, but he still did it. Matt opened the glass closet door and slipped out with this tweet about being engaged to singer/songwriter type Blue Hamilton.

The combination of Blue Hamilton sort of looking like Matt Dallas in the face and me having the Mondays in my eyes made me think to myself, “Matt Dallas is engaged to a Labrador? Congratulations, I guess, but the Labrador doesn’t look really fucking excited about it.”

You know you thought that too, don’t lie.

(Pic via Tyler Shields)

Happy New Year!

December 31, 2012 / Posted by:

Well, we actually made it through 2012 without being shot into space where Tommy Girl and John Travolta would cackle at us while zipping off to Xenu’s home planet in their space pods (which look like this). We made it! Although, Kim Kardashian is knocked up with the Illuminati’s golden child, so I’m sure the rapture will swallow all of us in 6 months when she gives birth to a swarm of locusts and four fishsticks-eating horsemen. But in the meantime, let’s all toast to the beautiful things that 2012 gave us like Mama June’s stack of Pringles chins and her Forklift Foot. 2013 is totally going to be a breakout year for Mama June’s Forklift Foot!

And I’m going to spend my New Year’s Eve rounding up all the roosters on the island (Seriously, Kauai is the island of roosters and not a second goes by when one isn’t cock-a-doodle-doodling up my asshole. That sounded sexy, but it isn’t.) and slapping Honey Boo Boo glasses over their eyes before getting them drunk on bottom shelf rum, so they’ll be too hungover tomorrow to wake my ass up at 4:30 in the morning with their yodeling. That’s what my ass is going to do.

Happy New Year, everyone!

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