Life Is Like A Box Of Sugar-Free Chocolates

October 8, 2013 / Posted by:

America’s favorite uncle Tom Hanks now has something in common with Paula Deen. No, they both don’t finger fuck themselves while watching Birth of a Nation. That’s not what they have in common. They both have the ‘beetes.

While promoting that Captain Phillips movie on The Late Show with David Letterman (via THR) last night, Tom told Dave that his doctor told him in so many words that he’s now the front-runner for the Wilford Brimley biopic, because he’s got type 2 diabetes. 57-year-old Tom said he went to the doctor and guess what he told him, guess what he told him, he said, girl, you better stop eating all them chocolates.

“I went to the doctor, and he said, ‘You know those high blood sugar numbers you’ve been dealing with since you were 36? Well, you’ve graduated! You’ve got Type 2 diabetes, young man.'”

Type 2 diabetes is pretty controllable and Tom just has to take medicine, watch what he puts in his mouth (no, that doesn’t mean he just has to stare at the donut before he puts it in his mouth, I wish it worked that way) and has to do exercise stuff.

“My doctor said, ‘Look, if you can weigh as much as you weighed in high school you will essentially be perfectly healthy and not have Type 2 diabetes.’ and I said to her, ‘Well, I’m going to have Type 2 diabetes.’ I weighed 96 pounds in high school. I was a very skinny boy!”

I hate when doctors say crap like, “…if you can weigh as much as you weighed in high school.” If doctors can find a way to get my metabolism back to what it was in high school, I’ll gladly weigh as much as I weighed in high school. You know, diabetes runs in my family, so sometimes I am scared that years of filling my eating hole with nothing but Taco Bell wrapped in deep fried pastry dough wrapped in a sugar-coated bacon shell is going to catch up with me. So that’s why I’m trying to be healthier. Instead of sweetening my Trix cereal milk with three spoonfuls of sugar, I sweeten it with Truvia. That’s called being proactive!

And here’s Tom and the cast of that Captain Phillips shit at the premiere in Hollywood last week.

Pics: Splash,

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