Married People Don’t Act Like This

Normally when I see bitches making out in public, my lonely, bitter ass side eyes the shit out of them and mumbles “get a room” into my cheap light beer. But somehow these pics of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi hugging each other up on the beach in St. Barts aren’t bothering me. They’re even kind of…romantic and cute? Ugh, slap me.

After the “I hate your ass” pictures of Kim and Kanye and the MEH shots of Jennifer and Justin over the past couple of days, it’s nice to see a couple looking like they actually have a damn to give about each other. Not you, Chris and Riri, sit your asses down. Look at them, lovingly holding hands and playing in the surf like a couple of kids. And now I’m off to barf my guts up from the sickening sweet shit I just wrote. I think the holiday spirit has wrecked my brains.

Wait. Gossip Cop (quoting the National Enquirer so you know it’s FACT) says that because of Ellen’s career, the couple is being driven apart. So, this is an obvious attempt by them to trick us all into believing that their love is twuuuuue and they’re not slap fighting as soon as the cameras of off. Ah, suspicion and contempt. That feels better.

Christian Bale Visits The Victims Of The Aurora Shooting

There was a huge campaign on Tumblr, and I think Facebook too, asking Christian Bale to visit the victims in the Aurora shooting dressed as fucking Batman! Out of all the things the victims need, seeing Batman in their hospital doorway, even if he is carrying a bouquet of carnations, is probably not one of them. Just a guess. So thankfully, when Christian Bale did an awesome thing today by visiting the victims, he left his Batman mask in the closet.

TheDenverChannel says Christian didn’t want to turn this into a huge STUNT QUEEN situation, so he rode to the hospital in an ambulance to keep the media from finding out. Christian showed up to the hospital at around 2 this afternoon and spent around two and a half hours hanging out with several victims including Carey Rottman, who posted this picture with Christian on Facebook. Warner Bros. said that Christian went on his own and he wasn’t there representing the studio.

Well, this was a completely amazing thing of Christian Bale to do and makes me feel all warm in the chest area, and I usually only get that feeling when my laptop overheats on my chest while I’m watching porn. I know some of us are fans of Christian’s bitchy on-set meltdowns, so don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be back to screaming his tonsil skin off at an assistant director by this time… Wait, what time is it? Oh yeah, he’s probably back on the set and screaming  “OH GOOOOOOOD FOR YOU“ at an assistant director right now. A crazy with a heart, that Christian.

This Might Warm Your Ice Cold Black Heart

Just when you really start to fully believe that the world is a shitty place full of throbbing assholes that keep adding to the piles of shit comes a video that might temporarily restore your faith in humanity. A dashboard cam caught a little ole’ memaw having a hard time crossing the street, because throbbing asshole drivers kept shifting into the DON’T GIVE A FUCK gear to speed past her. But then a suburban knight on a white horse camouflaged as an SUV stopped and helped the little old lady cross the street. How the hell did everyone not jump out of their cars and lay down on the pavement to offer up their bodies to this memaw savior?! He is a hero to all memaws should be award the Werther’s Original Heart of Honor.

But you know, I’m so jaded that I kept waiting for him to snatch ole girl’s pocketbook before getting into his SUV to drive away. The world did this to me!

via Blame It On The Voices

Sharon From Kath & Kim Comes Out

Yesterday, the whole of the Internet got a boner after Matt Bomer said in so many words that us gay sluts actually have a chance with him (that’s how I took it) and today the Matt Bomer of Australia (basically), Sharon from Kath & Kim, said on national television that she’s full gayelle. Magda Szubanski, seen on the right as her Kath & Kim character and seen on the left as herself, has come out in the name of marriage equality. The chunk of lard jelly in my chest hasn’t felt this much love for Magda since she refused to have the character she created be used in the pile of rotten spunk that was the Americanized Kath & Kim. Let’s never speak of that shit show again, foxy morons.

This was what Magda said today on Ten’s The Project (click here to see the video):

“It’s not like I was running around hiding it, but there’s a difference between living life openly and living life absolutely publicly. How do you communicate to someone what it feels like to be on the receiving end of prejudice? I was so nerve-wracked yesterday, I demolish a whole packet of Tim Tams.

I am absolutely not straight. I do not identify myself as bisexual either. I identify myself as gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. If there’s a tablet you could take to cure it, I wouldn’t take it.

I love my work … You almost feel like you have to choose. I know you are going to ask me if it would have been hard (to be gay and an actor), but it’s only recently that things have changed. It’s only in the last four years things like civil unions have been granted.”

I was going to spend my Valentine’s Day night by going into random restaurants to find the most in love couple in the place. Then I was going to push at one them before telling him that he left a case of herpes on my ass when we fucked last week. But instead, I’m going to eat a Russell Stover’s (the chocolate, not a piece I met on Grindr) while watching my first season DVD of Kath & Kim. Happy Sharon Comes Out Day!

Happy New Year!

I was going to start this post by brain farting about all the fuckery that trickled on us this year, but the memory box in my head labeled 2011 has been erased by all of the breakfast wine, lunch wine, after lunch wine, dinner wine, before bedtime wine and during bedtime wine I’ve been guzzling in Italy this past week. The only thing I really remember right now from 2011 is the ethereal dandelion of my dreams, Duchess of Alba, dethroning that bland basic bitch Kate Middleton as the most beautiful bride of the year. And I also remember chewing on an entire glass bong after I found out that the IRS was auditing my ass. Oh, 2011, you punched me in the butt cunt and then you blew powdery beauty right in my face.

Whatever it is you do tonight, be safe about it. And by that I mean, don’t give your last name to your one night trick and if you’re going to get arrested, make sure the police drag you to a jail cell with WiFi. Because how can I start my day tomorrow without reading your emails where you curse me out for my tragic grammar and attach that picture of Prince Hot Ginge’s hard scepter that never gets old?

I’m spending my night the way all damn tourists in Venice spend theirs by going to that St. Mark’s Square shit. But I’m only going, because somebody told me that at midnight, you’re supposed to kiss everybody around you. At least that’s what they tell me and that’s the story I’m going to tell after I get punched in the tongue for making mouth love to every hot Italian piece with luscious hair I see. (Seriously, almost every Italian dude has a luscious mane that I just want to floss my ass with.) On that note….

Happy New Year! Here’s hoping that if the apocalypse eats all of us in 2012, it eats the Kardashians first so we know what it’s like to live in a Kuntrashian-free world even for just one second. I’ll DRANK (and burp) to that!

Karen Elson & Jack White Are Having An Anniversary/Divorce Party!

The bad news is that Karen Elson and Jack White are biting off each other’s wedding bands after 6 years of marriage, but the good news is that there will be an open bar at their divorce party! Those damn hipsters really know how to turn an AWW into a YES!

Karen and Jack were married in Brazil on June 1, 2005 and decided that their time sleeping nipple to nipple has come to an end. They issued this joint statement to People:

“We remain dear and trusted friends and co-parents to our wonderful children Scarlett and Henry Lee. We feel so fortunate for the time we have shared and the time we will continue to spend both separately and together watching our children grow.”

The invitation to their anniversary/divorce party reads that the party is to re-affirm their friendship.

Yes, as a bitter cunt queen monster who feeds off of the scandalous lives of others, I’m a little disappointed that Karen and Jack aren’t throwing daggers of revenge at each other in the streets. But I guess it’s best to end a relationship the same way you start it: absolutely fucking tanked.

Happy divorce to Karen and Jack!