In Other “Pants Eva Mendes Has A Problem With” News, Eva Mendes Doesn’t Like Jeans

Yes, we’re talking about Eva Mendes talking about pants again. To quote Al Pacino in The Godfather III: just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in (“they” being pants, of course, and no, I don’t know what that even means). In case you just came out on a week-long coma, last week Eva Mendes made a joke about sweatpants being the dirty homewrecking slut responsible for breaking up most marriages in America, and now she’s coming after jeans, but this time she’s not joking.

During a recent interview with Who What Wear (via Daily Mail) about that clothing line she does for New York & Company, Eva revealed there’s only time you’ll catch her ass covered in denim:

“I love a soft pant…but if you see me in jeans it’s probably because all my skirts are at the dry cleaners or just dirty. I mean, I think jeans are really uncomfortable actually—aren’t they? They’re so restrictive! I always prefer a boyfriend jean, but I find those to be restrictive, too! It’s not unrealistic to see me in an outfit like this at home [points to her skirt], just without the belt and the shoes.”

Meanwhile, in a secret underground bunker located below the Macy’s at W35th and Broadway, Gloria Vanderbilt just called an emergency meeting of The Secret League of Denim Superheroes (Calvin Klein, Mr. Jordache, the reanimated zombie corpse of Levi Strauss) to discuss their newest foe Eva Mendes, aka THE SKIRTED MENACE.

Not liking jeans feels really random, but I can sort of see where she’s coming from. Jeans are your best friend until you eat one too many tacos, and then the waistband turn on you worse than if they caught you talking shit about their mom. Jeans are loyal to no one.

Ryan Gosling Says Eva Mendes Was Joking About That Whole ‘No Sweatpants’ Rule

So remember back to yesterday when Eva Mendes became public enemy No.1 with the national sweatpant lobby (aka Big Sweatpant) when during an interview with Extra she admitted that she’d never ever wear sweatpants around her hunky Canadian baby daddy Ryan Gosling and that sweatpants are the number one reason for divorce in America? Well, her hunky Canadian baby daddy would like you to know she was just joking. Ryan took to Twitter last night to tell sweatpants to stop waiting in the parking lot for that shit-talking bitch Eva and go home, because there will be no fight:

And a few hours later, Eva Instagrammed a picture of a pair of her sweatpants and added: “Dear favorite pair of sweatpants. I was just kidding when I said you’re the #1 cause of divorce. Everyone knows that orange crocs are the #1 cause of divorce.”

But now I’m confused. Why would Eva Mendes go after sweatpants like that? What did sweatpants ever do to her? If I may once again reference my extensive knowledge of Cheaters, maybe Eva thinks Ryan is getting a little too close to those sweatpants and she’s afraid they’re going to steal her man. I can totally see it now: Eva hiding out in the Cheaters van with Joey Greco waiting to ambush Ryan and those homewrecking hussy sweatpants outside a stripmall nail salon. “That dog! He left the house in khakis!”

Even without Ryan and Eva’s clarifications, I think we all knew there was no truth to what Eva said. How could a piece of clothing that facilitates easy fucking ever cause two people to split up? If anything, quickly yanking down a pair of sweatpants brings people together.

Eva Mendes Says The Number One Cause Of Divorce In America Is Sweatpants

Eva Mendes, seen above in her version of Sunday Casual (which is basically my Weekday Formal), recently spoke to Extra about her hot Canadian hipster husband boyfriend Ryan Gosling, but instead of asking her the important questions like how big is it/what does it look like/does it taste like poutine, they asked her if she has any secrets for keeping Ryan happy at home. I would assume the only thing Ryan needs to be happy is a vocal coach telling him he’s doing a really good job of sounding like he’s from some vague part of Brooklyn, but according to Eva, the secret to keeping her man happy is never ever wearing sweatpants:

“Sweatpants, no, no, no, no. No, no, you can’t do sweatpants. Ladies, number one cause of divorce in America is sweatpants. No, you can’t do that.”

I don’t know if that’s correct; if years of watching Joey Greco bust cheaters on Cheaters have taught me anything, it’s that the leading cause of divorce in America is catching your partner humping on some trampy blurry-faced skank named Brayleigh in an empty Big Lots parking lot.

Listen, if I was Ryan Gosling’s piece, there isn’t much I’d say no to, but I draw the line at no sweatpants. To quote Marilyn Monroe, if you can’t handle me at my sweatpants, you don’t deserve me at my sweatpants. Basically, what I’m getting at is that I’m always wearing sweatpants.

But how does she live without sweatpants? What does she wear when its laundry day or she has the shits? Eva! Chill out girl, Ryan’s dick won’t go soft if you wear a pair of sweatpants. Give in to the sloppy-crotched freedom! Just tell yourself they’re a pair of high-end organic cotton drawstring slouch trousers, if that’s what you need to do.

And Here’s A Picture Of Esmeralda Gosling, According To Eva Mendes

Eva Mendes (or as she’s known in the Gosloon superfan community, “Ryan Gosling’s man-stealing skank bitch baby mama”) appeared on Ellen yesterday for the first time since lying to human-sized elf Ellen DeGeneres about having a baby living in her body and talked some more about that baby. Eva first started talking about Baby Esmeralda last week when she confessed that she and Ryan don’t have any nannies for Baby Esmeralda and explained why they named her Esmeralda.

But it looks like she’s not quite ready to start releasing pictures of Baby Esmeralda just yet, because this is what she threw up to the audience on Ellen. And by “threw up”, I mean l literally threw up in my mouth a little after looking at that nightmare of a baby picture. Let’s get a closer look, shall we?

Yama hama, that picture is the definition of not right. Who knew that when you mash together the hot parts of Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling’s face in Photoshop you get a living nightmare? It looks like the modeling headshot of a baby Mr. Bean. I’m pretty sure that’s what Mia Farrow saw when she looked into the cradle at the end of Rosemary’s Baby.

And that picture is especially disturbing to me, because it looks exactly like my friend’s Nonna Maria after a fresh lip wax and right before she gives me the malocchio for not taking off my shoes in the house. Okay, now I’m actually for real terrified of that picture.

Eva Mendes Talks About Her Baby

When Eva Mendes was knocked up with the Internet’s boyfriend’s baby, she did everything to hide her growing fetus dome including comically covering it with everything in her fucking closet. I expected her to hire two dudes to carry a giant armoire in front of her at all times so nobody would see that she had a CASE OF THE BABIES! She was a walking “privacy please” sign and I don’t think she ever confirmed she had a baby. But now that she’s birthed out her and Ryan Gosling’s daughter Esmerelda Amada, she’s talking about everything from not having nannies to confirming that they named their kid after what you thought they named her after.

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Eva Mendes And Ryan Gosling’s Baby Girl Has A Name

When Eva Mendes popped out the kid she made with hunky Canadian goose Ryan Gosling, I waited in anticipation for what they would name it. Ryan has the hand-carved artisanal heart of a cabin-dwelling hipster and I was fully expecting something like Dusty Window or Moonshine Mason-Jar or Fable Braid. Unfortunately, it sounds like Ryan took a shirtless hottie nap while Eva named the baby, because their baby’s name sounds nothing like something you’d hear shouted at an organic farmer’s market in Park Slope (“Finnegan Shadows, please stop touching the free-range kale.”)

According to a birth certificate obtained by TMZ, Ryan and Eva named their baby Esmeralda Amada. Eva played a character named Amada in We Own The Night, but that’s literally the only explanation for that name. Eva and Ryan are all about the Shhhh, so who knows if they chose family names or are just big fans of Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Regardless I love it because:

1. Amada sounds like Ramada, which as we all know is the classiest of budget hotels (actually, Ramada would be a totally hot name)

2. Esmeralda can easily turn into Mesmerize for when she goes through that inevitable sassy middle schooler phase

3. Esmeralda Mendes-Gosling sounds like the owner of a very successful high-end modeling agency from an 80s daytime soap opera set in New Mexico (Hot Sun, Hot Bodies)

But as much as I like the name Esmeralda Amada, I really wish they’d gone with something like Esmeralda Grace or Esmeralda Guadalupe, because it would have given me eternal life if Ryan Gosling’s baby’s initials had been EGG.