Hayley Hasselhoff Was Arrested For DUI

According to a police report obtained by People magazine, Hayley Hasselhoff – 24-year-old daughter of David Hasselhoff and star of Sharknado 4 – was arrested for DUI on Saturday. Hayley better be prepared for a whole lot of people shouting “NO THANKS” the next time she sings her daddy’s song Jump In My Car at karaoke.

Police found Hayley at 4am on a freeway off-ramp, passed out in the driver’s seat of her Mercedes with her foot on the brake. Police were able to wake Hayley and get her out safely while taking control of her vehicle. The police report says that Hayley stunk of booze and she failed a sobriety test. Hayley was taken to the hospital for an evaluation, and when she was clear to go, she was taken to a nearby jail to be booked.

I am a major technology skeptic, but I am 100% on board with those self-driven robot cars. Humans just can’t be trusted not to drive hammered. Hell, I’ll even take a car driven by another human. Just think how amazing it would be: you press a button on your phone, and a vehicle will magically pull up, uber-fast and give you a lift to your home. I know it sounds like a Jetsons-like fantasy, but I’m sure scientists are super close to figuring out the technology.

Because the only reason we’re even talking about Hayley Hasselhoff is who her dad is, here’s David Hasselhoff looking like an extra-crispy drumstick in Miami earlier today with his fiancée Hayley Roberts.

Pic: Wenn.com/FayesVision, Backgrid

Amanda Bynes Is Finally Off Probation For Her 2014 DUI

Amanda Bynes can finally put one of the messier parts of her incredibly messy and sad 2014 behind her. In 2014, Amanda was arrested for DUI and now TMZ says that she’s finally off probation. Amanda got arrested in September 2014 in Los Angeles for driving while high on Adderall, something she had a legal prescription for. Amanda was already on probation at the time. Her DUI didn’t end with time in a jail cell; instead, it ended with her checking into a mental health facility.

Almost two and a half years later, Amanda’s lawyer tells TMZ that her DUI case ended last Friday and she’s officially done being on probation.

She’s been laying pretty low these past couple of years. Sources tell TMZ she’s still attending classes at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, and is planning to debut a clothing line later this year. Of course, there’s also the small issue of Amanda Bynes fighting with someone on Twitter who claims to be a person named Ashley Banks (who sounds like Amanda Bynes and seems to have access to all her pictures). It sounds like she’s got a lot going on. Hopefully she doesn’t try to do any of those things while she’s driving. It might be smart of her to hire a driver, just to make sure she doesn’t have any more DUI whoopsies. I’m sure one of the dancing lobsters could use the extra work.

Pic: Splash

Weston Cage Got A DUI After A Crazy Police Chase

We haven’t really heard much lately from Weston Cage, the son of constantly-lit firecracker Nicolas Cage. The last time we heard from Nic’s 26-year-old goth son, he was sort of settled down and trying to do the husband and daddy thing. He took a break from the picket fence life and brought back the Weston Cage of six years ago.

Continue reading

John Stamos Got Arrested For DUI

Well, now we know what Uncle Jesse did with that beer he confiscated from DJ at the Spring Backwards Dance. No! Uncle Jesse would never! But apparently John Stamos would. TMZ says that America’s forever hot uncle was busted for DUI on Friday night in Beverly Hills, and apparently he was a damn wreck.

Police got a call around 7:45pm about a silver Mercedes swerving around the streets like the Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. Once police caught up to John Stamos, he couldn’t even roll down his window and greet the cops with a “Have mercy!“; John was so fucked up, the police had to call paramedics to take his ass to the hospital. Nobody else was in the car with Uncle Jesse when got arrested. He has been charged with misdemeanor DUI. Somewhere in a fancy Manhattan penthouse, the Olsen Twins just let out a sinister cackle.

Of course, TMZ has video of John Stamos getting arrested last night, and this is what he looked like.

John Stamos — Busted for DUI http://t.co/uW29ELXFhz

— TMZ (@TMZ) June 13, 2015

To be honest, he doesn’t actually look that bad. At one point during the video, it looks like he smells Kimmy Gibbler’s stanky feet and tries to drunkenly wave it away from his face, but that’s about it. Other than that, John Stamos looks pretty sexy. Looks like we can add “Getting arrested for DUI” to the already miles-long list of things John Stamos looks hot while doing. And once his mugshot is released, it’s probably safe to say we’ll be adding “Taking a mugshot” to that list as well.

Michael Phelps Is Swimming Off To Rehab

After getting caught for the second time driving too damn fast and drunk out of his damn dolphin mind, the gold medal-winning DURRR-looking water baby Michael Phelps will do the backstroke all the way to rehab. TMZ says that earlier this morning, the Geico Cavemen’s athletic younger half-brother dove onto Twitter (ok, I’ll stop with the swim jokes now) to grunt out another “I so sowwy” and confess that Mama Debbie will be driving his dumb double DUI ass to the ‘hab so he can dry out (that doesn’t technically count as a swim joke, right?)

Continue reading

Michael Phelps Earns His Second Gold Medal In Dumbassery (UPDATE)

I know that celebrity deaths supposedly comes in threes, but do celeb whore DUIs really need to come in threes too? Two days after Amanda Bynes got put into handcuffs for driving while allegedly high on Adderall, the Geico caveman with a buzzcut known as Michael Phelps was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Baltimore, Maryland this morning. Bitch swims like a fish and drinks like a fish. Moron should’ve swam home! Something tells me that Debbie Phelps is not having a Chico’s kind of day today. Michael Phelps is to blame and he should be jailed for life for that.

The Baltimore Sun says that Michael Phelps’ white Range Rover was pulled over at around 1:40am on Interstate-395 after he was clocked by an officer’s radar going 84mph in a 45mph zone. The officer checked Michael Phelps’ speed while his dumb ass was going through a tunnel. During the stop, the officer noticed that the Cro-Magnon dolphin seemed drunk. In Michael Phelps’ defense, he always has that dead-eyed derp look about him. But Michael was plastered and according to the cop, he failed a series of standard field sobriety tests. He was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speed, and crossing double lane lines. He was later released.

This is Michael Phelps’ second DUI. In 2004, he got caught drunk driving and later pleaded guilty in exchange for 18 months probation.

Well, the good news is that Animal Planet’s eventual biopic of the Olympian dolphin starring Adam Driver just got juicier.

TMZ asked Michael Phelps’ fellow Team USA teammate Ryan Lochte about this mess and he dribbled this out:

“I’m not concerned … he just makes dumb decisions. He has so much money to get a driver. I even have a driver. Just stinks for the sport of swimming. But he will become smarter from this. Luckily he did not hurt himself or someone else.”

When Ryan Lochte, whose head is filled with nothing but chlorine water and Cool Water fumes, comes off as the voice of reason and calls you out for making dumb decisions, then it’s time to swim off to a corner of the pool to get it together.

UPDATE: Michael Phelps is sowwy.

“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding, and crossing double lane lines. I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”

Pic: AP