Michael Phelps Is Swimming Off To Rehab

October 5, 2014 / Posted by:

After getting caught for the second time driving too damn fast and drunk out of his damn dolphin mind, the gold medal-winning DURRR-looking water baby Michael Phelps will do the backstroke all the way to rehab. TMZ says that earlier this morning, the Geico Cavemen’s athletic younger half-brother dove onto Twitter (ok, I’ll stop with the swim jokes now) to grunt out another “I so sowwy” and confess that Mama Debbie will be driving his dumb double DUI ass to the ‘hab so he can dry out (that doesn’t technically count as a swim joke, right?)

To better understand himself? What’s there to understand? He’s rich as fuck and likes to get next-level hammered, but he’s dumb as fuck and won’t hire someone to drive his ass around. THE END. There, I basically saved him a trip to rehab. I feel like they’re going to tell him the same shit in group therapy. “Hi, question? Do they not have Uber for drunk mermen?

As well as going to rehab to kick his stupidity addiction, TMZ is wondering if they’ll also touch on his love of gambling. When Phelps was busted for his DUI last week, he had just come off an 8 hour gambling binge. 8 HOURS??? Holy schnikes, forget drinking and driving – Michael Phelps clearly has bigger problems than that. Have you ever spent 8 hours in a casino? That’s a special kind of mental torture. He don’t love himself! That DUI wasn’t the result of a chlorine-pickled brain (it is, but go on) – it was a cry for help! After 8 hours of hearing that awful DING DING DING DING DING casino sound and smelling farts mixed with cigarettes and shrimp cocktail, his brain was probably like “Fuck this shit, I can’t take it anymore! We’re getting messy drunk and driving past a DUI check point.

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