Not to be outdone by the iconic messiness that ABC and Mimi delivered on New Year’s night, CNN brought Drunk Don Lemon back and dude hit all of the drunk bitch bases. He got a piercing he’ll probably regret and spilled out his feelings like your drunk cousin does while eating a Monster Taco in a Jack In The Box parking lot after partying all night. The other TV tricks working on NYE should take notes from Mimi and Don, because if you don’t look a mess on NYE, you’re doing NYE wrong.
If you watched any of CNN’s New Year’s Eve coverage, you would have learned two things: one, that CNN’s New Years Eve coverage is still a glorious mess, and two, that if Don Lemon is drunk enough, he’ll tell you what he thinks of Kathy Griffin’s over-inflated Pogo Bal boobies.
It all happened shortly after Kathy’s semi-annual tradition of whipping off her top and strutting around Times Square with Anderson Cooper. Normally this would be the sort of thing your brain would be kind enough to erase from your memory and promise to never speak of it again. But either Don Lemon was lit as fuck or he has a mouth like a a budget birthday party loot bag (ie: it’s filled with the kind of random shit that makes you go “Sure, I guess” when you dump it out), because he responded by telling her she had a “nice rack.” All the awkwardness happens at the 1:00 mark.
To put this into perspective for a younger generation who aren’t familiar with any of the above, if Kathy Griffin’s tits were a famous person’s Instagram, Don Lemon would be the first person commenting “QUEEN I love you, please come to Brazil.”
I think the most awkward part of that video isn’t that Don Lemon used the words “nice rack” like someone’s middle-aged uncle talking about Kate Upton, but that he turns into an obnoxious beer-chugging bead-wearing frat bro when he gets drunk. I honestly kept waiting for the camera to pan down and reveal that he was wearing a pair of salmon shorts and beat-up boat shoes, or catch him lifting a bottle of Jäger from behind the bar and begging Brooke Baldwin to let him do a shot off her stomach.
CNN anchor Don Lemon called out Jonah Hill on Twitter yesterday for being a self-important, rude douche of the highest order and Don came off as a self-important, rude douche of the highest order while doing so. Don tweeted that he was waiting in the lobby of his hotel when he recognized Jonah Hill. When Don said hi to him, he says Jonah acted like a diva and brushed him off. Jonah responded to Don and that’s when they started yanking at each other’s weaves. Oh, if the Internet is high school, then Twitter is the furthest quad from the principal’s office where you can always watch two catty bitches going at it. This is how Don and Jonah’s cat fight went down:
Because this is obviously a CNN-worthy BREAKING news story, Don went into it even more on Soledad O’Brien’s show this morning. Don said that he was already having a bad day, because he missed his flight due to the cab driver asking for his autograph (yes, he just HAD to throw that in) and when he finally got his hotel, his bad day got even worse after the dude from 21 Jump Street threw him shade. Don said that Jonah treated him like he was THE HELP and gave him a half-assed, wet handshake. Don said, “Normally it doesn’t bother me, but I was done … because I’d been taught by mother to always be kind to people.”
In this cat fight, I’m not holding either one of their purses. Don needs to get over it and taking it to Twitter is the true definition of petty. Don is on CNN, doesn’t he have more important shit to report about? (“Not really.” – CNN) Besides, why would he want to shake Jonah Hill’s hand after that ho just finished taking a piss. Jonah Hill looks like the type who doesn’t wash the piss off his hands afterward. And Jonah Hill is just ugh. They both lost this one.
With that being said, I kind of wish they’ll kiss, make-up and get married. Because if they did get married, their hyphenated last name will be Lemon-Hill and Lemon Hill sounds like a delicious and refreshing summer time beverage from the makers of Strawberry Hill.
Those of you who guessed “Don Lemon” for that “Which TV personality is coming out?” blind item can give yourself a pat on the taint this morning. But you know, you should always start your day with a pat on the taint no matter what since it’s the body part that barely gets any love. It’s always getting splattered with all kinds of bodily fluids from our genitals and b-hole and we never thank it for that. We basically treat it like a back alley. It gets no love! It’s like the Marlon Jackson of body parts. So we should all pat our taints to let it know that we care. But I’m digressing all over a post again. Let’s move on to DON LEMON’S COMING OUT PARTY!!!!!
CNN’s prime-time weekend anchor Don Lemon, who is Liz Lemon’s ninth cousin once removed, made the decision to come out while writing his autobiography called Transparent. Don already admitted that he was child touched by a bishop, so he was a little wary because he didn’t want people to think that’s the reason why he loves the peen. Don also tells The New York Times that being gay and African-American is a totally different game.
“I’m scared. I’m talking about something that people might shun me for, ostracize me for.
It’s quite different for an African-American male. It’s about the worst thing you can be in black culture. You’re taught you have to be a man; you have to be masculine. In the black community they think you can pray the gay away.
You’re afraid that black women will say the same things they do about how black men should be dating black women. I guess this makes me a double minority now.”
I’m not even touching that one with a Tyler Perry joke, so moving on. Don also says that he wishes more famous people would come twirling out of the closet (Geraldo Rivera’s stache just twitched).
“I think it would be great if everybody could be out. But it’s such a personal choice. People have to do it at their own speed. I respect that. I do have to say that the more people who come out, the better it is for everyone, certainly for the Tyler Clementis of the world.
I think if I had seen more people like me who are out and proud, it wouldn’t have taken me 45 years to say it,” Mr. Lemon said, “to walk in the truth.”
Good for Don! Being an out gay definitely has its perks. You can openly make out with a dude almost anywhere you want AND when you’re listening to the Best of Aqua on the subway, you don’t have to hide your iPod screen from prying eyes. It’s a non-stop party! However, I will say that the real headline here should be: DON LEMON COMES OUT AS A 45-YEAR-OLD!