Lovin’ At The 7-Eleven

Nothing makes me want to suck on a tongue like the succulent scent of week-old hot dogs, urine and burnt coffee. Glamberace and his main squeeze obviously feel the same way, because here they are mouth fucking in the parking lot of 7-Eleven yesterday night. Personally, I’d rather make-out in the 7-Eleven bathroom, but they are classier than I am, so they took it outside.

And since we’re sort-of on the subject of convenience stores, here’s an 11-minute long video of me visiting my neighborhood bodega last Tuesday at 11 in the morning.

Just so you know, I had a giant bowl of fresh vegetables and big glass of tomato juice that morning. Memaw Ruth was RIGHT!

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Dumbass

You know how sometimes when you’re passed out drunk your friends (or in my case, your own mother) will write words like “DRUNK, WHORE, SKANK, PEEN SUCKER” all over your face? Well, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaminck of Belgium claims that’s what happened to her (sort-of). Except the fresh graffiti on her face wasn’t from a Sharpie and couldn’t be washed off with water or even hot gasoline. This fugness is pretty much permanent!

Kimmy tells the Daily Mail that she paid a Romanian tattoo artist £55 to decorate her face with only three stars. Kimmy, who might have the worst case of narcolepsy ever, says she fell asleep while the dude had a sharp needle on her face and woke up covered in STARZ. 56 stars to be exact.

Kimmy is suing the tattoo artist for £8,500, because that’s how much it’s going to cost to get them all removed. Kimmy says that she told him she only wanted 3 stars in English and French, but he must have misunderstood her. The tattoo artist says that Kimmy is made of lies, because she specifically asked for 56 stars. He said she was awake and even looked at the mirror a few times. He went on to say, “The trouble all started when she went home and her father and boyfriend threw a fit. They are saying things now like I doped her or hypnotized her. What rubbish!” It’s safe to say that he’s MADDER THAN FISH GREASE.

I’ve never had a tattoo, but I’m pretty sure that if you had a sharp ass needle right on your bone you wouldn’t be skipping through the clouds in dreamland. The stupid bitch got the tattoo and her father threatened to quit her ass over it, so she played dumb.

It’s really not that bad either. It kind of looks like her ear is queefing out stars. It’s like Glamberace scooted all over her face. Look on the bright side. Or should I say, the “STARZ” side (GONG!!!!).

Kimmy is moaning that she can’t leave the house now, “I am so embarrassed. I just look horrible.”

Um. I’ve got news for Kimmy. The star bukkake on her face is less ridiculous than that SEXY belt buckle she’s wearing.

Glamberace’s Shocking Revelation!

Glamberace smokes pot! SHOCKING! MIND-BOGGLING! ……..And he also likes a giant peen with his morning coffee.

This is the big “NO SHIT” issue of Rolling Stone where Glamberace reveals that he’s as gay as….well…as Glamberace. I mean, butterflies flutter into his peen hole! I’m gayer than a Rooty Tooty breakfast and butterflies don’t fly into my peen hole! And why is that snake having a conversation with Glamberace’s magic stick? Or is it trying to get a piece?

So Glamberace says that he decided to wait to come out, because he felt doing it on the cover of Rolling Stone would be “cooler.” Glamberace puckered his precious lips and said, “I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay. Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I’m going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler.’ I didn’t want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context (ed note: NO YOU DIDN’T, GURRRRL!). I’m proud of my sexuality. I embrace it. It’s just another part of me. I’m trying to be a singer, not a civil rights leader.”

You can thank some kind of mood-altering drug for leading the glittery unicorn to American Idol. Glamberace said he had a “psychedelic experience” at Burning Man which made him realize that Idol was the quickest way for him to be taken seriously in the music industry.

He didn’t want to declare his gayness while competing on Idol, because he wanted the focus to remain on his talent and not the fact that he likes dick. Glammy added, “I’m an entertainer, and who I am and what I do in my personal life is a separate thing. it shouldn’t matter. Except it does. It’s really confusing.”

And there you go. Glamberace is gay. The world keeps spinning. Well, not my world, because I’m still kind of upset that butterflies don’t fly into my no-no. Maybe I need to drizzle a little hummingbird juice on it?

David Carradine’s Lawyer Thinks Ninjas Were Involved

While police in Thailand continue to investigate the death of David Carradine, his family and lawyers are continuing to talk to the media about their own theories. They won’t accept that it might be kink gone wrong. David’s lawyer, Mark Geragos, thinks ninjas are behind his client’s death. Mark told Larry King on Friday (via NY Post) that David was trying to uncover mafia groups working in the martial-arts underworld. It’s always the ninjas.

Mark and David’s family has begged the FBI to travel to Thailand to take over the investigation, because they believe that NINJAS might have made his death look like an accident. Mark said, “David was very interested in investigating and disclosing secret societies. “What that means is connected to martial arts and his interest in martial arts. And so there is a suspicion that if there was some foul play, that that may be the first area where they should look.”

Maybe Mark is one to something….Does Uma Thurman have an alibi?

Mark later spoke to People about a photo of David published by a Thai newspaper over the weekend. The photo shows a man in the position David was found in. The man’s head and parts of his body were blacked out by the paper. Mark said the family is completely disgusted and will sue if it is published anywhere else. Thai police think the photo was sold to the paper by a member of the forensics team. And this is exactly why the family wants to conduct their own investigation.

Quween Saves Another One!

There was another battle in a parking lot in Beverly Hills today! A group of “pos-a-rassi” swarmed a helpless glittery unicorn who was just trying to find his way! Thankfully, out of nowhere the defender of all celebwhores swooped in to save him! When you have Quween by your side, you know you will make it out alive! You also know that you will probably get into your car with your wallet and Blackberry missing, but you can buy it back at Quween’s weekend sidewalk sale! Do these bitches expect her to work for free?! Rocks don’t buy themselves!

Below is a clip of Quween rescuing Glamberace today. You might want to pop a Dramamine if you decide to hit play. And I think I have those same jeans Glamberace is wearing. Hmmm…anybody in the mood for a trash can bonfire tonight?

David Carradine’s Manager Thinks His Death Was Foul Play

David Carradine was found dead in his Bangkok hotel room yesterday morning and it was assumed by the media that he committed suicide. But now Thai police believe that his death was accidental, because he was found with a yellow nylon rope tied around his neck and genitals. Flashes of Michael Hutchence dance around me….

They have conducted an autopsy today, but results won’t be released for at least three weeks.

Meanwhile, David’s manager and family members are speaking to the press. David’s manager, Chuck Binder, doesn’t think he took his own life and he also doesn’t believe his death was an accident. Chuck is crying foul play! Chuck told TMZ that David’s hands were tied behind his back.

Chuck added that they believe something in the milk ain’t clean, because the hotel has been taking their sweet time with turning evidence over to the police. The police requested to see surveillance videos of the hallways and lobby, but the hotel hasn’t coughed up ’em yet. And the investigation continues….