Touched By A Golden Girl

Elton John wants his name to be on the list when he gets to Heaven, so he made sure to invite earth angel Betty White to his Oscar viewing party last night. Betty White was kind enough to mingle with mere mortals like Posh and Michelle Rodriguez (who probably tried to creep on Betty’s prune cake).

Most of us would be busting into a soul seizure if Betty White touched our hand, but look at Posh being typical Posh by trying to act like she could care less. Or maybe she’s busy trying to deal with the psychical pain she’s suffering on the inside from Betty White’s grip slowly breaking her weak hand bones. Although, that’s not saying much since a handshake from a ghost would hurt frail ass Posh.

Here’s a bunch of other hos who showed up for the camera clicks and free booze. They are: The world’s memaw, Michelle Rodriguez, Posh, Alan Cumming, KD Lang, Stacey Dash with Jamie Foxx, Christina Hendricks, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, JHud, Salma Hayek, a freshly washed Joaquin Phoenix, RuPaul, Scary Spice, a trio of bossy bottoms, Niecy Nash, and Harvey’s second favorite pet donkey (next to Peter Andre, of course).

Let’s Not Talk About Christina Hendrick’s Body…..

Christina Hendricks is really trying to fuck with us. In an interview with New York Magazine, she says talking about her body gives her the yawns (exact quote: “It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Back when I was modeling, if someone said ‘I’m fasting,’ I would say, ‘Can’t we talk about something else?’”). But here she is on the cover looking like Redpunzel trying to smuggle two gigantic onions past the garden witch. And yes, gigantic onion exist. This pepaw grows them:

Back to Christina. How am I supposed to save my keystrokes and not cyber slobber on and on about her magnificent chichis. That is impossible. You can’t just put a dozen cupcakes in front of STAINS and expect him to not slowly lick them with his eyes. But just this once, I won’t write a long haiku about how her chichis look like the ethereal pathway to heaven. Or how if you motorboat her long enough, you will see God winking back at you. I won’t do that. Instead I’ll silently Photoshop myself leaping from one chichi to another like Shelley Long in Outrageous Fortune.

My Eyes Are Up Here

Oh, look…..if you slowly peel your eyeballs off of Christina Hendricks’ divine chichis from heaven, you can see that she wears glasses. Yeah, I don’t think even her optometrist realizes she wears glasses! You know, every time I see pictures of Christina Hendricks I try not to slobber all over her boobs o’ plenty like Tila Tequila at her Twitter log-in page, but I can’t help it! The chichis speak to me. They speak to everyone. They will save the world. Even the cuntiest baby wouldn’t kick Christina out of his crib.

Here’s Christina, her Salma Hayek approved bitties and her husband at the Directors Guild Awards in L.A. on Saturday night.

The Ginge Has Left The Building!

Conan O’Brien gave his final bow as the host of The Tonight Show last night, and he didn’t end with a kick line featuring Masturbating Bear, Triumph, Evil Puppy, Vomiting Kermit, his ’92 Ford Taurus and Pimpbot 500. Instead, Conan put on his seriousface and genuinely thanked his staff, NBC, and all of his fans. Conan also launched into an inspirational speech about how we need to exorcise “cynicism” out of our systems.

Conan’s motivational speech kind of reminded me of this one time I was waiting for my friends outside of a Winchell’s in L.A. when I was a teenager. This sort of hot homeless lady in a knitted poncho strolled up to me and told me (in a Miley Cyrus chewing on sandpaper voice) that I reminded her of her daughter (it happens often). Then she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. At first, I spit out your typical jaded teenage response by saying, “nothing.” Then I took that back and said, “a trophy boyfriend.” This response knocked the fleas out of her hair, because she went on and on about how I could cure cancer if I wanted, or manage a Circuit City (she really said that). After she finished giving me a boost to the stars, she asked me for a cigarette or a dollar. And here’s Conan also ending it on a perfect note by performing Free Bird with Will Ferrell.

Coco And The Peacock Are Fucking Done Professionally

The Chin sings! The curtain is about to fall on the long drawn-out melodramatic butt opera starring Conan O’Brien and NBC. The peacock announced this morning that after a long night of negotiations (please, you know they were just passing the bong around), a divorce settlement with Conan has been reached. They will put out an official official statement later on this morning.

According to the New York Times, the agreement is worth $45 million. Conan gave up some of his own severance to his staff. In the end, Conan’s checking account will get stuffed with around $32 million. Conan’s staff will get the rest.

Per the agreement, Conan can sashay over to a new network in about 8 months. Conan’s manager issued a statement to the Wall Street Journal, and said that he can’t wait to return to late night:

“Conan was appreciative of the steps NBC made to take care of his staff and crew, and decided to supplement the severance they were getting out of his own pocket. Now he just wants to get back on the air as quickly as possible.”

Conan’s final song and dance for NBC will be this Friday. After that, Conan will be free to apply a heaping amount of SPF:Infinity onto his nalgas and spend the next few months sunning his shit.

And now, every member of the “I’m With Coco” movement can re-purpose their posters and get behind a REAL cause:

TRUTH!

(CoCo image via Buzzfeed)

Drinks On Coco!

Hundreds of Cocoholics (or are we calling them Con-heads?) gathered in NYC, Los Angeles and Chicago yesterday to rally for their ginge hero! The Conan O’Brien fans in Los Angeles even stood for hours outside of NBC studios while massive amounts of cold smog rain fell on top of them. When they start coughing up chunks of their lungs in a few days, they should ask Coco to pay their medical bills. And word on the Internet is that he can afford it now!

TMZ is saying that Conan and NBC have reached a settlement agreement. The peacock will put $32.5 million into Conan’s pocket to go away. A source went on to say that NBC will also hack up another $7.5 million for Conan’s staff. As part of the agreement, Conan can’t take his act to another network until September. But if Conan does sign a contract with another network, NBC would only be obligated to pay the difference. So if FOX gives him $25 mill, NBC will only owe him $7.5 mill.

I know, you came to this blog to read the word “fuck” over and over again, not to do math. Basically, every equation ends with the same answer: Conan is still richer than Tiger Woods’ Ambien supplier.

And Conan might have to have sic the soulless ginge on NBC, because the source also claims that once he leaves the network, he can’t take any of his characters with him. That means Triumph and the Masturbating Bear will have to continue to live in the storage room at The Tonight Show. They will be pissed. I hope Jay Leno loves bear jizz and dog poo on his chin.