Carrie Underwood Is Engaged

Carrie Underwears got engaged over the weekend to Mike Fisher, a hockey player for the Ottawa Senators. The two pieces of boiled broccoli have been heavy petting (you know Carrie is going to keep her vagina to herself until marriage) since last year.

Carrie Underwears better not even think about changing her last name. There’s only one famous Carrie Fisher allowed on this planet. Chewbacca will chew a bitch over this!

UsWeekly says that Mike confirmed the news at a press conference this morning. Mike was about to give all the exciting engagement details, but then he pulled a Rusty by falling the fuck asleep. Even Mike Fisher gets the bores when he thinks about Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwears.

But you know what’s not boring? This picture of Mike Fisher getting his love handled from a dick sucker’s point of view.

Is Mah Boo Trying To Tell Us Something?

Whenever you see a sexy piece making the “snake going into the cave” gesture with his hands, that’s your cue to take all them panties off, dip your nasties into a bowl of lukewarm Crisco, and line your fuck part with your condom of choice for Easy Pass access. So you know what drill I busted into when I first saw this picture of The Silver Fox. No wonder my neighbors from across the way always have their shades drawn.

Here’s Mah Boo at the CNN Heroes Awards along with DoMe Howser, Baby Wipes Howard, The Rock, Eva Mendes, Carrie Underwears and Leona Lewis.

Carrie Underwood Goes Down

Carrie Underwears became Carrie Undertable or Underchairs or whatever she hell she hid under to keep herself off the cameras during a game last night. Underwears is apparently licking on Ottawa Senators player Mike Fisher. He plays hockey, which is my favorite sport because if you switch the o for an i, you get hickey! Or if you switch the ho for di, you get dickey! You get the point.

Anyway, Underwears saw that she was on TV, so bitch got shy and hit her knees like she had a 9″ dick covered in Mother’s Circus Cookie crumbs in front of her! That’s my gut reaction whenever Mah Boo Anderson Cooper pops on the screen. Then I realize he’s not really in the room and I just lay on the ground and weep.

Why Is She Holding That Trophy?

You know where that award would look best? You must be one of Sylvia Browne’s relatives, because I know you know what I’m thinking. You have the gift. Katherine HAGel can shove that thing down her throat. It will fit perfectly. It wouldn’t make sense for her to shove it up her culo since she goes caca through her mouth. I know, such hate. Blame HAGel. She does that to me.

Anyway, some moronic morons voted 27 Dresses their “Favorite Comedy Movie” at the People’s Choice Awards. The idiots who voted that shit to win are also the people that think you can get knocked up from swallowing. I’ve had conversations with these kind of people. They really think the spermies can swim down to their baby making parts. I can’t…

Okay, 27 Dresses was not bad, anything starring HAGel should not get an award. That only fuels her ego! She’s probably on the Grey’s Anatomy set this morning toting that shit around like it’s an Oscar! I just want to cover her up in bird seeds and grass and feed her to Fishsticks Paltrow!

I usually watch the People’s Choice Awards every year, because it’s a better sedative than Sleepytime Tea, but my Tivo couldn’t handle it last night. It was busy making love to Damages, 13: Fear is Real, The Real World: Brooklyn and blah…blah.. blah.. After reading bout the PCA, it looks like I didn’t miss much.

The winners were pretty predictable. Brangelina were voted the greatest living things. Of course, they think they are too good for that shit, so they didn’t grace the peons with their presence. Click here to see all the winners.

Below I’ve thrown a bunch of pictures into one big toilet below. You can pick each one out and dissect them or you can just flush. Your choice. Dakota Fanning honestly look the best, because the MAC Cosmetics counter didn’t vomit all over her face.

Carrie Underwood Endorses Not Endorsing

Carrie Underwears thinks all celebwhores should keep their mouth holes closed when it comes to publicly endorsing a presidential candidate. I’m sure Oprah is going to lose a lot of sleep over this.

In the new issue of TV Guide, Carrie said, “There is someone I do support, but I don’t support publicly. I lose all respect for celebrities when they back a candidate. It’s saying that the American public isn’t smart enough to make their own decisions. I would never want anybody to vote for anything or anybody just because I told them to. Music is where you go to get away from all the BS. Whether it’s from politics or just the world around you, music should be an escape.”

Celebwhores have the right to endorse whoever the fuck they want. Carrie also has the right to tell them to shut the fuck up. Just like I have the right to tell her to shut the fuck up. And you have the right to tell me shut me to shut the fuck up. See how that works?

That said, I’m about to go vote, so does anybody know who La Pequena and Rojo Caliente are publicly endorsing?

VIA Just Jared

Kim & Carrie: Together At Last!

Oh, look! 29-year-old Kim from “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” finally met her “twin” Carrie Underwears! Yeah, I’m full of lukewarm caca as usual. Carrie’s wax figure’s wig looks way more natural than Kim’s beige yarn nest.

Carrie got her own wax figure at Madame Tussauds in NYC yesterday. And the night-shift workers at Madame Tussauds got a new “girlfriend” to fight over. If I worked the graveyard at that joint, I’d probably become friends with the wax figures and tell them all my problems. They are probably good listeners. Shit. Talking to Carrie’s wax figure is probably like holding a conversation with the real thing.

Here’s a few more of Carrie and her wax figure yesterday. Is it just me or does Carrie’s wax figure look like it was face fucked a few times? Oh shit. The workers couldn’t wait, could they?