Bethenny Frankel Doesn’t Have To Pay Her Former Husband Tons Of Alimony Money Anymore

I hope Bethenny Frankel’s divorce lawyer broke the news to her very carefully and slowly. It would put a real damper on things if every pulled-tight muscle in her face were to snap like a bundle of elastic bands from surprise-smiling too quickly.

Former-turned-current Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel has been battling it out in divorce court with her soon-to-be ex-husband Jason Hoppy for more than three years now. It’s been a long, tired, dramatic, expensive mess. Last May, a judge took pity on Jason (who played the “Help me, I’m poor” card) and forced the low-calorie drink/snack mogul to start handing over a whole bunch of alimony money. Jason left court that day with $100,000 (raise your hand if you too read that number in RuPaul’s voice) and $11,858.42 a month for the maintenance fees on their apartment, which he was living in. The deal was that Bethenny would fork over almost $12,000 a month for 12 months or until they’ve figured out who gets the apartment.

Well, Page Six says Bethenny and Jason recently met up again in court, and an appeals court judge decided she can stop writing big support checks to Jason. Bethenny and Jason still have to fight over who gets their apartment, but at least Bethenny no longer has to foot the bill for a plumber every time that careless bitch Jason dumps a pile of pork bones into the garbage disposal.

No word on what changed the judge’s mind two months early, but it’s probably irrelevant to Bethenny. All that matters is that she’s got an extra $24,000 burning a hole in her money-for-the-ex checking account. So if you see a gleeful Bethenny skipping around the 18″ doll clothing section of the American Girl store on 5th Avenue and hollering “I want one of each!“, you’ll know why.

Pic: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Bethenny Frankel’s Bootleg Run Lola Run Wig

During Winter Storm Jonas, Bethenny Frankel was at KMart and she ranted about how the employees supposedly didn’t speak English. Well, now we know why she was at KMart. Bitch was trolling the clearance section for a $2.99 wig. Bethenny showed up to the launch of Skinny Girl Chocolates at Dylan’s Candy Bar in NYC today with a red wig glued to her head.

Bethenney sort of looks like what would come out of Jean Grey’s X-Men cooze 9 months after she partied in Gotham City and had a drunken bareback hook-up with the Joker. And Bethenney’s looking a little different in the face. Either her natural hair under that wig is pulled so tight it’s lifting her face or she may have had a little nip, pull and tuck. If it’s the latter, we should soon expect her to launch Skinny Girl Face Lifts.

Pics: Splash

Random IS Bethenny Frankel Dating Eric Stonestreet

In the “Examples of RANDOM” section in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, you will find this*:

Charlize Theron dating Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family.

Starting today, you will also find this in the same section**:

Bethenny Frankel dating Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family.

The neurotic Joker turned low-cal booze mogul usually dates bland skinnies (see: her estranged husband) and brow-less bags of muscles, so I guess she decided that wasn’t working for her and switched it up. E! News claims that Bethenny Frankel of The Really Crazy Wrecks Of New York City is motorboating the Cam from Modern Family. Some source says that Bethenny and Eric Stonestreet have been hanging out for months and last Monday they were at a Dodgers game in L.A. together. BUT WAIT! Bethenny farted up the hashtag “somanyboyfriendssolittletime” on Twatter today and said that she was in the Hamptons on the day she was supposedly at a Dodgers game in L.A. UsWeekly also says that Bethenny isn’t bumping her pussy bone against Eric Stonestreet’s FUPA.

What to believe?! My head is spinning like Ramona Singer’s after turtle time.

Thankfully, the publicists’ megaphone known as People is here to clear things up. Some source tells People that Bethenny and Eric are friends who are “having fun.”

“They are talking and they have been friends since they met at CAA upfront party in April. He is in L.A. and she is in the Hamptons. They are hanging out. They are having fun and she likes his company.”

In other words, every now and again, Bethenny smears Skinny Girl lube all over her Joker snatch and takes a ride on Stonestreet.

This match isn’t the worst. Eric does have his own money, so if they ever get married, Bethenny doesn’t have to worry about him trying to take her money and leaving her homeless (aka living in 5-star hotel suites). They probably won’t ever fight either. Eric was on Howard Stern a while ago and he said he was addicted to Tinder and bragged about his hook-ups. So while Bethenny verbally gnaws on his last nerve about whatever, Eric can just nod his head as he swipes to find the next trick who wants to fuck the non-ginger gay guy from Modern Family.

* I’m lying

** I’m lying again

Pic: Getty

Bethenny Frankel Owes Her Ex-Husband Jason Hoppy A Ton Of Money

According to Radar, Bethenny Frankel’s ex-husband Jason Hoppy is currently doing the #getmoneybitch shuffle across the floors of Bethenny’s former dreamhouse, because a judge has ordered her to hand over $100,000 to him. Bethenny and Jason’s never-ending divorce drama is costing a ton of money, but court documents filed last week show that Jason had a “Help me, I’m poor” moment and a judge took pity on him. Apparently Jason makes a little over $100,000 a year as a drug company salesman (“Only $100,000” I whispered, as I squirted some Poverty’s Best™ ketchup-style sauce on a cracker and pretended it was a tapas-sized pizza), so the judge has ordered Bethenny to cover his attorney fees. Bethenny has until June 1st to pay Jason the $100,000 he owes his legal team. Radar says this is the second time Bethenny has paid for Jason’s lawyers.

But it doesn’t end there. On top of the $100,000 check Bethenny will slip in the mail to Jason’s attorneys, she also has been ordered to fork over $3,000 each month for temporary child support for their daughter Bryn, as well as 97% of their daughter’s $600-a-month school tuition and medical expenses.

And remember how I mentioned before that Jason was still living in their old apartment? The judge has ordered Bethenny to start paying $11,858.42 per month for “temporary maintenance“, which includes $1000 a month for utilities and $500 for housekeeping. Bethenny will only have to pay that money for 12 months or until they come to a decision on who gets the apartment. If you watch RHONY, then you know that Bethenny is currently “homeless“, aka she’s living in a hotel.

I might actually consider reading that self-help book Bethenny Frankel is holding in the picture above. I need to know how to avoid the type of relationship that ends with me backing a dump truck full of cash into my ex’s driveway. One, because I love money. Two, because I don’t have enough money to fill the back seat of a Power Wheels Jeep, let alone a dump truck.

Bethenny Frankel Wants You To Know That She Weighs 115 Pounds

Is that including her concrete-looking patio stone titties? Because those look like they weigh at least 10-12lbs. (I once worked in a garden center, I know these things). Former Housewife turned failed talk show host turned Housewife again Bethenny Frankel was recently asked about her weight on the Today show, because I guess asking her about her long-lost twin brother The Joker was off limits. Anyway, the skinny bitch who started a company called Skinnygirl wants you to know (or maybe her team of personality coaches wants you to know?) that despite sometimes looking like the real life version of Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, she’s not too skinny.

“Sometimes I do agree that I look too thin, especially when I’m tired, especially when I’m haggard. I do eat. There are nutritionists that comment that I don’t even weigh a hundred pounds — I weigh 115 pounds. I’ll be happy to get on the Today show scale!”.

Meanwhile, the Today show scale is like “You know I’m a real scale right? You should probably think this through.”

A quick glance at the internet tells me that Bethenny Frankel is 5 foot 5 inches, and I have no idea if 115 lbs. is the right weight for a 5 foot 5 inch tall person, since I can neither remember the last time I was 5″5 or 115lbs. But I would think that seems relatively normal for someone who, I’m assuming, burns 10,000 calories a day being a hard-core attention humper.

Here’s all 115 lbs of Bethenny strutting out of the Today show yesterday.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Bethenny Frankel Is Trying To Give Her Personality A Makeover

In an attempt to appear less like Bethenny Frankel, Page Six says that Bethenny Frankel has hired a team of personality coaches to help her “tone down her shit”. Technically, she didn’t really have to hire anyone, since a couple hits off a non-fat bong would have done the trick, but it sounds like she needed something stronger than weed to chill her out.

According to a source, Bethenny apparently took a long hard look at her life and/or her choices, like her messy divorce from Jason Hoppy and the cancellation of her talk show Bethenny (cough and maybe also that time she thought it would be a good idea to post a picture of herself wearing her 4-year-old daughter’s pajamas cough), and decided she needed to do something to change the public’s perception of her. The source says:

“She’s turned herself into a victim and been told by these coaches to be much more demure, and not be as harsh as she was.”

I still don’t understand why she hired more than one coach; how many people does it take to say “Just stop“?

I get that Bethenny doesn’t want to be Bethenny anymore, but what is Bethenny without Bethenny? I have no idea what any of that means, but I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’d rather take a no-fucks-given Bethenny than the phony demure Stepford Wife version of Bethenny, if only because that would be creepy as hell. Imagine if you took Bethenny’s hyper-realistic Joker mask face and added a pair of soulless eyes? This is supposed to be The Real Housewives of New York, not My Nightmares.