Bethenny Frankel Is Launching A Strain Of Skinnygirl Weed That Won’t Give You The Munchies

So that’s why she always looks like a stoned version of The Joker. According to UsWeekly, Bethenny Frankel – the hypothetical result of if Yzma and Kronk had a baby – is currently working on a strain of Skinnygirl-branded weed that doesn’t make you want to shove an entire tray of Costco cinnamon buns in your mouth after you smoke it. A source close to Bethenny (a 13-calorie joint wrapped in fat-free rolling paper) says:

“It will be a specially engineered strain of pot designed to not give you the munchies. She read about how profitable the cannabis industry is and wants to get in on that.”

I’m not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I’m sure it would be nice to get fucked up without fucking up my stomach (see: the time my friend smoked a bag of old-ass weed and ate an entire sheet cake from Costco), but on the other hand, some of my best meals have been created during a case of the munchies. Without the munchies, I might never have invented cookie dough soup (cookie dough crumbled into pudding), the Heart-Attack Fiesta (any item from Taco Bell stuffed with KFC popcorn chicken), or raver spaghetti (strawberry Sour Punch Straws that I eat with a fork). I know, I’m basically the Canadian Guy Fieri.

At the very least I hope they make Skinnygirl weed taste better than Skinnygirl booze, because I once tried a Skinnygirl mojito and it made me immediately want to eat an entire bowl of 7-layer dip to help me forget about the taste of toothpaste-flavored nut sweat in my mouth.

Bethenny Frankel’s Mom Says Her Daughter Is A Fake-Ass Man-Hungry Snob

Then Batman added: “And that wig isn’t fooling anyone. We all know it’s you, Joker.”

Apropos of nothing, Bethenny Frankel’s estranged mother Bernadette Birk (who’s name sounds like the cunning social-climbing stepmother in a V.C. Andrews novel) recently spoke to Radar about her daughter, and in case you were wondering whether or not they still hate each others guts, I’ll let Bernadette’s cuntified verbal air-kisses to her daughter answer that for you. Bernadette, who hasn’t seen Bethenny in over a decade, hissed that Bethenny’s talk show was “terrible” and she stopped watching after a week because she was “bored”. She then says all the shit Bethenny talked about her in her 2011 autobiography/self-help book Place of Yes were LIES, and that Bethenny is the awful bitch, not her. Bernadette claims Bethenny used to be cool, but then she turned 16 and became a snobby snob and an arrogant bitch.

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A Judge Orders Bethenny Frankel To Stop Wearing Her 4-Year-Old Daughter’s Pajamas

Back in July, The Joker’s long-lost sister Bethenny Frankel posted a picture of herself wearing her 4-year-old daughter’s Hello Kitty pajamas to Instagram, and in general, the people of the internet liked it as much as a chicken fart in a crowded elevator. And it turns out one of those people was Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Ellen Gesmer. Bethenny was back in divorce court on Thursday to continue that messy Kramer vs. Joker-faced Kramer custody battle she’s got going on with her estranged husband Jason Hoppy. According to the NY Daily News, that’s when the judge took a swipe at the premixed cocktail tycoon for being a dumb attention whore. Bless you, Judge Ellen Gesmer.

Judge Gesmer told Bethenny’s lawyer Allan Mayefsky “No more pajamas!” – which is really a lot of fun to say if you say it like Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest – to which he responded that it was done as a joke. That’s when Judge Gesmer, who’s clearly neither the one nor a Bethenny fan (but really, who was?), hissed:

“It’s not a joke. Her child is not a joke.”

Although I’m sure what she really meant to say was:

“This skinny bitch needs to STAHP!”

But Judge Gesmer really should have been more specific; “No more pajamas” just means no more pajamas. Bethenny is a thirsty attention whore, so you know it’s only a matter of time before she puts on a pair of her 4-year-old daughter’s Gap Kids jeans and posts a picture to Instagram with the caption: “OMG can u believe I can fit into my daughter’s jeans? So crazy! Who wants to see if I can fit into her bikini next?”

What Judge Gesmer should have done was covered all her bases. Instead of “No more pajamas“, she should have said: “No more pajamas, clothes, underwear, old toddler clothes, old baby clothes, or American Girl doll clothes.”

Here’s Bethenny picking her kid up from school the other day. Remember that pink and black dress! We’ll probably see it on Bethenny very soon.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

The Internet Is Not Happy That Bethenny Frankel Took A Picture Wearing Her 4-Year-Old Daughter’s Pajamas

Failed talk-show host and successful Joker look-a-like Bethenny Frankel must have really started missing all the attention she got during her messy divorce, so on Sunday she decided to rustle up some attention by posting a picture of herself wearing her 4-year-old daughter Bryn’s Hello Kitty pyjamas to Instagram with the question: “Think we’re ready to start sharing clothes yet?”. Bethenny didn’t need an answer, since Hello Kitty’s unimpressed face pretty much speaks for all of us (“Is this bitch for real?”). But some people decided that since Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, they would speak on her behalf. According to UsWeekly, some commenters on Instagram were surprised that the woman who named her company Skinnygirl would have the audacity to prove how skinny she is. One commenter wrote:

“I would just caution doing this as she gets more impressionable. She needs to develop a healthy self image because she may not have all of your genes…and it won’t be obvious to you, but it will look as though you are competing with her.”

While another wrote:

“Really don’t think your sending your daughter a good message:/she probably thinks wow my mom’s a lot older than me and can fit my clothes, so I must be really big for my age.”

Then a user named @BruceWayne replied:

“Nice disguise, but I still know it’s you, Joker.”

Bethenny didn’t have time to reply to every comment because she was too busy seeing if she could still squeeze into her daughter’s newborn clothes, but she did take a break to Tweet that she didn’t give a skinny fuck about what a bunch of anonymous Instagram haters thought:

“And if she just so happens to also want u to take a picture looking like a malnourished Hello Kitty superhero and post it to social media, then u do that too, becuz u gotta start teaching them about the fame whore game as young as u can.”

Pic: Instagram

Bethenny Frankel Is Bringing All Kinds Of Drama To Her Custody Battle With Jason Hoppy

If you ever wished someone would combine the harrowing courtroom custody battle from Kramer vs. Kramer with the over-the-top drama school theatrics of a Real Housewives reunion show and just a pinch of Michael Jackson face, then I have good news for you! Bethenny Frankel, former RHONY cast member, former talk show host, and former praying mantis (needs verification) is currently fighting with her ex-husband Jason Hoppy over the custody of their 4-year-old daughter Bryn, and Us Weekly says that Bethenny is putting on a performance worthy of a Daytime Emmy with her testimony against her ex. For your consideration...

Bethenny brings the Lifetime made-for-TV movie drama:
“Jason said to me, ‘Get ready, we are going to war. It’s over. We’re done.” He would hold Bryn, and he would say, ‘You’re finished, you’re done. I’m going to ruin you.'”

Bethenny brings the classic afternoon telenovela drama:
“He said, ‘You’re dead to me. I want nothing to do with you. You think I want to be with you on the holidays? You’re a piece of shit. You’re garbage. You have no idea what I’ve got on you.”

Bethenny brings the Disney Channel drama:
“He would say, ‘Mommy should be Ursula the witch. She’s a great witch.  You be the princess, I’ll be the prince, Mommy will be the witch.”

Bethenny bring some sort of A&E’s Hoarders-themed drama:
“He would leave the house in shambles. There would be dishes everywhere. He would pee and poop and leave it in the toilets.”

I understand wanting to come for a trifling hoe in a court of law, but damn, this custody fight is getting messy. I’m not a parent, but it was my understanding that as long as you gave them clean clothes, food, hugs, snuggles, and teach them shapes and shit, you’re doing an a-ok job raising your kid. As it turns out, floating a bootycake in the toilet bowl is grounds for losing custody of your child.

And I hope the first thing the judge did after hearing Bethenny’s testimony was politely inform her that being compared to Ursula is a compliment, not an insult.

Pic: Splash

Bethenny Frankel’s Got A New Piece

Bethenny Frankelstein is still in the middle of wrapping her velociraptor claws around her estranged husband Jason Hoppy’s nutsack during their divorce battle, but she took a little time out from licking his ballsack blood while cackling at the top of Castle Grayskull to frolic in the ocean with a new buff piece. People says that the creator of the sangria that tastes like trucker piss mixed with Equal is currently fucking Michael “Mac” Cerussi III, a banker type who lives in NYC. Mac and Bethenny (which sounds like the name of a terrifying sequel to Mac and Me, and you know, Bethenny kind of looks like Mac with a wig on) took their new love to Miami and spent New Year’s together. Some source tells People that Mac and Bethenny were all over each other’s face on New Year’s Eve:

“Bethenny was with Mac and looked very happy on New Year’s Eve. They kissed at midnight and other times during the evening. They looked like they were having a great night.”

The only thing we know about Mac (because I’m sure you’re dying to know everything about who Bethenny Frankelwhatever is boning) is that he’s in finance, his family is fancy and he’s 9 years younger than 43-year-old Bethenny. I’m also going to assume that Mac is legally deaf since that’s the only way any human can stand to be exposed to Bethenny’s ear-killing voice for longer than 5 seconds.

I know I’m hating, but I’m actually into this couple. Mac looks like He-Man after a haircut and Bethenny looks like Skeletor after a few master cleanses, so together they’re bringing my He-Man fanfiction wet dreams to life!

Pics: Splash