Cameron Diaz Actually Went Through With Marrying Benji Madden

Well, it really happened. Our slut sensei (slutsei?) and peen-chasing idol, Cameron Diaz, is officially out of the game and has hung her vagina up on Benji Madden’s dick for now. Cameron had a legendary run and she did us mega sluts proud, but I guess there comes a time in every slut’s life when they have to let their fuck parts breathe a bit and settle down. This is why I weep. Leonardo DiCaprio better not even think of settling down, because he’s the slut hero we need now more than ever!

Earlier when Allison wrote about how florists and shit were setting up at Cameron’s house in Beverly Hills, I thought that maybe just maybe she would realize that there’s more peen in the sea, get cold feet cooch and pull a Runaway Bride. But that didn’t happen. Cameron really did get married to the dude who wet humped on Parasite Hilton regularly. Benji and Cameron have been doing each other full-time since May and they got engaged 2 seconds ago. They gave this statement to People:

“We couldn’t be happier to begin our new journey together surrounded by our closest family and friends.”

Begin our new journey together?! What kind of lovey-dovey shit?

UsWeekly says that Cameron’s bridesmaids were Drew Barrymore, her new sister-in-law Nicole Richie, her assistant and her sister Chimène. (Side note: Cameron may be the richest Diaz sister, but Chimène is the Diaz sister with the hottest first name.) Benji and Cameron’s guests included Goopy Paltrow, Samantha Ronson, Robin Antin, Reese Witherspoon and a bunch of other rich Hollywood types who can party hard on a Monday night without worrying about calling in sick to their job the next day.

Congratulations to Cameron and Benji. And congratulations to psychology students specializing in dickmatization. They now have a case to write their thesis about.

Pic: FameFlynet

Cameron Diaz And Benji Madden Are Apparently Getting Married Tonight

Holy crap, that was fast. After dating for all of 3 seconds and being engaged for 0.05 seconds, UsWeekly says that Cameron Diaz will make the humanoid Tech Deck logo Benji Madden her first husband tonight. Slow down Cammy; it’s not The Amazing Race. Just because you didn’t get tired of him after the first 24-hours doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. Or does it? Someone ask relationship expert Steve Harvey.

According to UsWeekly, you better get your ass to Bed Bath & Beyond and pick up a monogrammed toaster or whatever, because Cameron and Benji hosted a rehearsal dinner last night in Beverly Hills, which means they are for real getting married. Not much else in known, like where it’s happening (I’m guessing either on the beach or inside the Hot Topic at the Glendale Galleria), if Benji will wear dirty Chuck Taylors with his tuxedo (he will), or who is invited. But all I really care about is whether or not someone made Cammy a custom wedding cake covered in fondant penises that spells out “Bye girl! We’ll miss you!”

But Cammy can’t get married yet – she never even had a bachelorette party! How do I know she didn’t? Trust me, if she had one, there would have been a major spike in cases of male stripper-related exhaustion. And since I haven’t heard of any male strippers with PTSD from hearing that horny bitch Cameron Diaz scream “CAMMY DEMANDS MORE DICKS!“, I will assume it never happened. Or maybe she plans on holding her bachelorette party after the wedding? That would be the smart thing to do.

Cameron Diaz Is Engaged To Benji Madden Because She Wants Babies

Sluts of the world, let’s all gather around and pour out a cup of ass lube for one of our slut idols Cameron Diaz, because apparently she’s retiring from the ho shit game to marry a Madden. UsWeekly says that the couple, whose nickname should be ????? because they are the epitome of random, are really engaged after bumping overgrown crotch bushes for 7 months. Rumors about Cameron being engaged to human Monster Energy can Benji Madden have been going around for a while now, but a source tells UsWeekly that it’s really true this time. Well, at least us sluts got Kate Hudson back.

Some source says that 35-year-old Benji is the kind of trick who is always falling in love with a new lady, but this time it’s really ~true love~ and he wants to make 42-year-old Cameron Diaz his first wife. Cameron doesn’t need to get married, but she does want babies and Benji is a traditional tramp who won’t have kids unless he’s married. The source dribbled out these words about Cameron becoming Nicole Richie’s future sister-in-law:

“Everyone thinks it’s wild but are so happy for them. Benji always tends to fall in love easily, but this time it’s for real and he landed a great girl. They obviously both make each other incredibly happy and there’s nothing better than that. He is more traditional then her. She really doesn’t care about getting married but wants babies. He wants to get engaged and married first.”

I know Cameron has had more douches in her than the feminine hygiene product aisle at CVS, so it sort of makes sense that she’s hard up for a dude who looks like a member of Douches of Anarchy and boned Parasite Hilton dozens of times. But if you’re going to settle down with a douche, you should at least settle down with a top douche. Benji Madden isn’t even in the top 10 of the Biggest Douches in the World list. Is Dane Cook not available or something?

Also, Cameron Diaz has said before that she doesn’t want kids. So either the source (read: UsWeekly’s fall intern) is lying or Benji’s dick has serious powers. If this story is true and Cameron has really changed her mind about wanting kids, then Benji should name his dick “Obi-Wan Peenobi” because it knows how to bust out some Jedi Mind Tricks on a piece.

Here’s Cameron wearing a ring on THAT finger in London three days ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

Cameron Diaz Is Apparently Really Into Benji Madden

Even way back in 2004, that tattoo of Skeleton Abraham Lincoln is like “Four score and WTF is going on here?”

When it was first announced that pussy power motivational speaker and carefree slut Cameron Diaz had started rubbing her parts against Hot Topic troll Benji Madden, pretty much everyone gave Cameron a Michael Bluth-style “Him?”. Really, Benji Madden? The human Hot Topic vinyl toy? The back-up Madden brother? Male Avril Lavigne?

But that was two weeks ago, and if holding hands and getting coffee is any indication of the status of a relationship, then it looks like Cameron and Benji are still bumping woo-woos. Which means Camji (I hate myself for writing that) is technically more than a questionable random one-night-hump thing. And according to People, it may have the potential to go on ANOTHER two weeks!

“The relationship sort of hit Cameron out of nowhere,” a source close to Diaz tells PEOPLE. “She’s always been open-minded when it comes to men. She just wants to have something in common with them and find a personality that loves life and loves as hard as she does.”

“She’s at a point in her life where she would love to settle down, but for now with Benji it’s about being happy and taking things as they come,” the pal says. “She’s happy … really happy.”

That’s an awful lot of words for “It’s good dick.” Because why else would you date a dude who falls somewhere on the Kinsey Scale of Douchery between AXE Body Spray and John Mayer? Whatever, it’s Cameron’s pussy, and if watering her precious flower with vinegar brings a smile to her face, then who am I to judge?

And I feel like any time Cameron Diaz stays with someone long than 14 days, her pussy should present them with a little rolled-up certificate and a small trophy to congratulate them on delivering the kind of dick that is able to temporarily tame Cammy’s hungry hungry hoo-hoo.

Pic: Getty

This Isn’t Random At All: Cameron Diaz And Benji Madden Are A Thing

Cameron Diaz’s never-ending quest to fuck and dump every famous (and semi-sort-of famous) piece in Hollywood continues.

UsWeekly says that out and proud slut Cameron Diaz is currently licking on the douche peen that was once licked by Parasite Hilton, Holly Madison and Sophie Monk. Some source says that Nicole Richie, who was in that Basic Bitch Class of 2014 picture with Cameron, introduced the two, because she felt like he’s a slut, she’s a slut, so they’re perfect for each other. Nicole thought they would really click. Nicole telling Cameron that she’d be perfect for tattooed douche bottle Benji Madden is like Nicole telling Cameron, “I hate you.”  Some source says that Benji has been chewing on Cameron’s twat fur for only a few weeks.

“It’s very new” and they’re “just hanging out,” a source tells Us of Diaz, 41, and Madden, 35. The pair have only been seeing each for the past several weeks.

I’m shocked and surprised it’s lasted more than a week. Usually Cameron Diaz’s coochie yawns at a dick that it’s seen more than four or five times, so this is one of her longterm relationships. Cameron better dump him and move on to another trick next week or she’ll no longer be my slut hero. But what I don’t understand is, Cameron once told all the ladies out there that they have to treat their vagina like a beautiful flower and give it love and nourishment. Practice what you preach, bitch! How can she says she’s giving her chocha some love and nourishment when she’s watering it with the same hose that once watered Parasite Hilton’s weeds repeatedly? Cameron’s flower will be pissed at her once a herp sore grows one of its petals.