Adam Levine And Anne V Aren’t Doing It Anymore

Anne V’s belly button is breathing a sigh of relief, because it will no longer get hit with a load of Adam Levine’s douche chowder when he practices his fool-proof birth control method by pulling out. Anne V tells E! News that Adam Levine has pulled out of her for a final time and they’re done FOREVER! I know, the cherubs are pulling out arrows to shoot themselves in the heart, because a rock star breaking up with a model tells us that the sanctity of marriage is a falsity! This is the statement Anne V shot into E! News the same way Adam’s peen shoots into a hotel towel:

“Adam and I have decided to separate in an amicable and supportive manner. We still love and respect each other as friends. I wish him all the best.”

Anne V went on to say, “But I won’t miss holding in a queef FOR MY LIFE every time his stupid ass pulls out really fast.”

Even though Anne V is the epitome of grace and demureness (Exhibit: EVERYTHING), she can not compete with the true holder of Adam Levine’s heart:

Oh yes, that’s Blake Shelton saying “He doesn’t pull out with me, hunty!” with his eyes and pucker. So try not to fall over in shock when Blake eventually announces he’s quitting his wife Miranda Lambert. Although, Blake should divorce Miranda for the sole fact that she has huge chunky lowlights in her hair and the year is not 2001.

Here’s Blake dreaming of Adam while giving his trophy a dry handy at the Country Music Awards last night.

Anne V Almost Showed Her V Last Night

Wasn’t is Coco Chanel who said that before you head out the door, you should take one thing off? Well, Coco’s legacy must be decorated with a string of pride this morning, because Adam Levine’s piece Anne V took Coco’s advice as she took off the left part of her dress before going to the Grammys last night. The Slut Dress’ family tree has a new first cousin hanging off of its branches.

When you’re looking for the perfect dress that will make dozens of people take your picture and run to the nearest computer to upload that picture to Wikipedia’s entry on sophistication, ask yourself these questions:

1. Should this dress be sold with a roll of double-sided pussy tape?

2. Do you you need to power wax your snatch before putting on this dress and then also power wax your snatch halfway through the event so you don’t hit the eyes around you with some 5 o’clock coochie shadow?

3. Could this dress be classified as a two-faced slut meaning that one half wants to go to a funeral and the other half wants to go to a beach-themed funeral?

4. Can you scratch your clitty without even lifting the skirt of this dress?

5. Do you have to take a period-stopping pill before wearing this dress so you don’t have an uncensored Xtina moment?

6. Can everyone see your crotch muscles in this dress?

If you let out six YES!!!es in a row, then throw your credit card at the salesperson, clutch that dress with your life and growl at any hos who come near you, because you’ve just found the holy grail of elegance and everybody will want it for themselves. RUN! RUN! RUN!

And a bunch of other tricks tried to top Anne V, but they didn’t even come close. Here’s a few as well as others from last night’s Grammys: Fuggie Fug (wearing a blanket of orange silly string over black Depends) with her mom, Diana Ross with her son Evan, Cyndi Lauper (looking like a Hot Topic Medusa) with her mom, Robyn, RiRi, Bruno Mars (looking like a Filipino Ricky Ricardo), Ice-T with the most beautiful woman in the world, Taylor Swift, Rebecca Black (who was called in as official seat filler since Chicken Cutlets was not available) and Katy Perry (paying homage to Marge Simpson’s mama je’e).