Category: Apple
Well Of Course Goopy Paltrow’s 11-Year-Old Daughter Gets $200 Facial Treatments!
No, that isn’t an Instagram filter, you peasant trash! It is the natural aura of opulence glowing off of Goopy Paltrow and Apple Martin’s face skin after getting luxury face treatments, thankyouverymuch.
The Daily Mirror has a story about how Goopy Paltrow regularly takes Chris Martin’s girl twin to get $200 facials from Hollywood beauty guru Sonya Dakar. Goopy (whose crazy stalker just got acquitted of allegedly stalking her again) apparently believes that it’s never too early to pay someone hundreds of dollars to pop your non-existent blackheads.
The Mirror also points out that Sonya Dakar’s specialities include a facial where she injects snake venom into your mug to freeze your muscles and a stem cell facial, which is apparently Goopy’s favorite kind of facial (too easy).
The source said this about Goopy and her mini-Goopy-in-training’s mother/daughter $200 beauty regimen:
“She loves it. She said ‘Mummy, you have to go only to Sonya.’ She’s so into health. Gwyneth has seen Sonya countless times and believes prevention is better than cure. She looks better than ever and thinks it is never too early to start taking care of yourself. There is nothing invasive about the facials and Apple really enjoys them. It is simply a fun mother-daughter bonding day out and something they love doing together.”
The truth is, this story doesn’t seem right at all to me and I wouldn’t be surprised if Goopy gets her team of lawyers involved. It’s kind of irresponsible journalism from The Daily Mirror. I mean, the only way Goopy would get a $200 facial is if she lost her fortune and became a poor! The Mirror must have screwed up and didn’t add a zero or two to that price. I doubt that Goopy would let anything that doesn’t cost at least 4 figures touch her face or her daughter’s face. And if Apple Martin went to Sonya Dakar and asked for a treatment that cost only $200, Goopy would immediately clutch her own bony chest, gasp and apologize to the staff while shuffling her daughter out the door in embarrassment. “Dear God above, I’ve failed as a mum” is what she’d say as she ran out and hid her face in shame over the fact that one of her own children asked for a treatment that a poor person can practically afford!
Pic: Instagram
Apple And Tidal Are Fighting Over Drake’s Recent Performance At A Charity Concert
“Do you guys need something to do? Because it sounds like you need something to do” says the look on Drake’s face above.
Prepare for an HR-level headache, because the following is full of giant corporations getting all corporate with each other. Okay, so Drake was scheduled to perform in New Orleans yesterday at Lil Wayne’s Lil WeezyAna Festival, a charity concert to benefit children affected by Hurricane Katrina. Since Lil Wayne is part of the Tidal team, the Lil WeezyAna Festival was streamed on Tidal. Which is fine and all, except when you have an alleged $19 million deal with Apple. That’s when Apple gets mad and starts speed dialing their lawyers. Page Six says that when Drake’s pimp (Apple) found our that Drake’s two song performance would be streaming live on Tidal (the Buc Nasty to their Silky Johnson, if you will), they threatened to sue Tidal for $20 million.
I guess Jay Z can’t afford to lose any more money on Tidal, so they streamed this during Drake’s performance instead:
“Sorry for Big Brother’s inconvenience” – when did Jay Z become one of the constantly-sneering Adbusters-reading culture jamming kids from my high school art class?
But now Apple would like you to know they had nothing to do with Tidal’s decision to replace Wheelchair Jimmy with some not-so-subtle shade. Sources tell BuzzFeed that it was Drake’s decision, not Apple’s, to yank his Lil WeezyAna Fest performance. And Drake’s manager, Future The Prince, confirmed the same with this statement:
“The decision to not have Drake participate in the Tidal steam has nothing to do with Apple or Drake’s deal. Point blank, 100 percent. I made a business decision. Apple doesn’t have the power to stop us from being part of a live stream. The only people that have the power to do that are Cash Money and Universal, and they’re our partners.”
Uh huh. As if the giant white glowing apple and the ghost of Steve Jobs weren’t totally holding a knife to Drake’s bank account and making “Bitch, you better not throw us under the bus” eyes as he wrote that.
Well, at least Tidal got some good publicity out of this mess. I mean, I wasn’t even sure if Tidal was still around. And now I know that, yes, they are. Good job, Tidal!
Taylor Swift Flips Off Apple But On Nice Tumblr Stationary
Apple is launching a new music streaming service called Apple Music on June 30. They’re making it free to use for three months. This is not sitting well with the girl who secretly paid to have the captain of the football team defecate in Katy Perry’s locker. Taylor Swift has declared herself the St. Angie of the music industry and opened the library on Apple via Tumblr.
I’m sure you are aware that Apple Music will be offering a free 3 month trial to anyone who signs up for the service. I’m not sure you know that Apple Music will not be paying writers, producers, or artists for those three months. I find it to be shocking, disappointing, and completely unlike this historically progressive and generous company.
Can you hear Apple’s head bitch Tim Cook raking his nails down his assistant’s face as he hisses with fury? He’s not going to say shit, though. He doesn’t want every B-list female celeb between the ages of 16 – 40 rounded up to star in a video about what an asshole he is.