Kelly & Dylan: The Sitcom

Just like Clare Arnold’s wonk eye, my soul dramatically fell to the side yesterday when a rumor went around that Kelly Taylor was rubbing her bull dozer vagina all over Dylan McKay’s California Raisin face. It looks like that rumor was just a STUNT QUEEN move to promote the sitcom that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are shopping around.

Jennie’s rep once again told Rumor Fix that she’s not screwing on Luke and they’re just working on some dumb TV show together. The rep said, “They have been spending a lot of time together recently because the two are working on developing a TV sitcom together. It will be a multi-camera half hour show, currently we have producers and writers and are meeting with networks.”

Gross. The only thing worse than Jennie and Luke being an actual couple is them making a baby together in the form of a TV show that will obviously play on TVLand (aka the retirement home for 90s TV stars).  I just want to take Jennie and Luke’s TV show for a walk in the park and say to it, “Why are you doing this to me?! I hate you! Never show up on my TV again!“

That Life-Ruining Tramp Slut Kelly Taylor Just Can’t Stop Herself

We’ve all seen this episode a million times, but I guess Kelly Taylor is really into re-living the reruns, because that stringy-haired, Contempo Casuals-wearing, home-wrecking klepto skank is at it again. The literary journal of 100% truthiness that is The National Enquirer (via Page Six) says that while shooting that piece of crap Old Navy commercial, Jennie Garth and Luke Perry found love in a Brenda Walsh-less place. Ever since then, Kelly Taylor has been riding Dylan McKay and I bet that when she stares deep into his greasy tenhead, she sees Brenda Walsh winking back at her. Some source (aka a publicist for Old Navy using a pay phone at the Peach Pit) said this about Kelly and Dylan’s reunion:

“Since seeing Luke again, Jennie has fallen in love with him and Luke feels the same. There is an electricity between them that has been revived after all these years. It just happened.”

That electricity isn’t from chemistry, it’s from Brenda Walsh burning them with her bitch eyes. Jennie’s rep denies all of this and says she’s just friends with Luke, but whatever. I know how that Dylan-jacking whore operates. Let Kelly have her fun while she can, because we all know how this ends. Yes, it ends with me finally checking into a mental hospital to seek treatment for not letting go of TV shows from the 90s, but it also ends like this:

Jennie: What are you doing for Labor Day?
Luke: Going to Baja.
Jennie: …….

The Pouty Dude In The Background Is Saying It All

File this directly under: Brenda Walsh never had to do this kind of shit! Here’s this generation’s Audrey Landers, AnnaLynne McCord, in Avatar drag on the set of 90210 in Los Angeles yesterday afternoon. Even though AnnaLynne looks like she just finished marinating in a kiddie pool filled with Ty-D-Bol and Vanity Smurf’s extra sweet nectar, this is probably the least amount of make-up she’s worn in her entire lifetime!!!

Principal Wilson & Kelly Taylor Quit 90210

The three of us who still watch the new 90210 shouldn’t expect to see Rob Estes and Jennie Garth’s faces on the first episode of season 3, because both of them have quit the show for different reasons. And unfortunately, none of those reasons involve the wrath of Brenda Walsh.

Radar reports that Rob Testes and The CW couldn’t come to an agreement over his contract. Rob wanted a bigger allowance from The CW, but the network refused to open their wallet and told him to get a paper route. A source said, “Rob’s not happy about it all. Basically they couldn’t agree on money and that’s all it comes down to. Rob’s an experienced actor and feels he deserves to be compensated accordingly, but the CW just want to cut costs and they want to reward all these young, hot, up and coming, and therefore cheaper, actors and actresses instead.”

As for Jennie, her manager says that she never wanted to be a regular on the show and wants to pursue other projects (examples: taking naps at 2 in the afternoon, learning every single Judge Judy-ism, seeing how long she can go without changing her socks, and trying to beat John Mayer’s masturbation record).

RiRi’s Got A New Piece

RiRi has found a new piece that will kiss every inch of her infinityhead (which Scientists have proven takes around 8.3 hours total) while cuddling on a cold winter’s night. According to Gatecrasher, that piece is actor Tristan Wilds. Tristan Wilds does sound like the name of an Eastern European power bottom porn star, but he’s actually a cast member on the new 90210.

The two, who have been secretly dating for a quick minute, acted all couple-like at a party she threw last weekend. A source said, “She likes him a lot, and it shows. From the moment he walked into her party, Rihanna lit up. They’ll keep in touch while she’s away.”

While I understand that RiRi needs a bitch to fiddle with her alien labia now and again, she really needs to stay away from all BOW TIES. If a man is wearing a bow tie without a tuxedo, he’s either a dick taster, an old timey piano player/child toucher or a lady beater.

Besides, it’s hard to take a dude seriously when he keeps the “Prada” sticker on his eyeglasses.

There’s Something Different About Kelly Taylor

The Carol Channing of praying mantises and Jennie Garth walked in the Heart Truth’s Red Dress fashion show yesterday and there was something different about Jennie’s face. It’s looking a little botoxy. Naw. That bitch thinks she’s too good and wholesome for that shit. She probably just stared at Tori Spelling’s face of fug too long. Every wrinkle on Jennie’s face straightened out in fright. Tori should set up a booth. Just one long stare into Tori’s fug mug and you’ll have a face like a baby’s ass.