Nobody likes a sad little lesbian. When lesbians are sad, we’re all sad. So this story about SamRo having a bad case of the sads, puts a frown on my face. Actually, I really have a frown on my face because it’s Monday morning and I’m out of SANKA!!!!! Luckily, I have one coffee single and a Red Bull left. Mix those two together and problem solved!

The bitches at Life & Style say that friends of SamRo are worried about health, because on Saturday night she called all of them in a panic. One friend didn’t really say why she called all worried-like, but they did say, “She was calling around. She knew she had done something wrong. She’s been suffering from depression and from lack of food and sleep.”

TMZ says that SamRo was shuffled off to the hospital yesterday. They say it wasn’t life-threatening, but that she might have stayed overnight.

All this shit is so mysterious! What the hell really happened? Did she burn her tongue on HoHan’s firecrotch? Wait. Maybe like everyone in Hollyweird, she’s knocked up! That would make almost anyone depressed. Hey, it could happen! HoHan probably has a ton of stored-up jizz in her snatch area. So when she bumped ham wallets with SamRo, a rogue spermie jumped into SamRo’s vagina and voila!

If that’s not the case, then SamRo just needs to eat more coochie, tickle more coochie, hug more coochie, sleep on more coochie, smile on more coochie and laugh on more coochie. If she does all that, everything will be alright again!

We already know he’s a little sick in the head (aren’t we all), but author Ian Halperin also claims Jacko is sick in the body and may be going blind! Escandalo with an exclamation point!

Ian, who just finished writing a tell-all about Jacko, told InTouch (via Fox News) that Jacko is suffering from a possibly fatal lung disease called Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency. Ian also says Jacko has emphysema and gastrointestinal bleeding. Woe is Jacko! He’s already suffering from an awful disorder called TurningIntoTeriHatcher-itis.

According to Ian, Jacko is pretty much blind in one eye and can barely speak words. Ian went on to say, “He needs a lung transplant but may be too weak to go through with it … [But] it’s the [gastrointestinal] bleeding that is the most problematic part. It could kill him.”

So let’s just recap all that. Jacko can’t breathe, can’t speak, is going blind and is turning transparent! This is probably just an excuse for him to get breast implants to “help him breathe,” get collagen in his lips to “help him speak again” and get blue eyes installed so “he can see again.” It’s the final steps in finally becoming the beautiful white woman of his dreams!

In all seriousness, if this shit is true, then this might be the reason he wears all those fancy masks. I thought it was to keep his silly puddy nose from falling off.

Jacko’s fight is strong and funky and, so I’m sure he’ll pull through all this shit….if it is true.

It’s true what they say, if you eat too many McRib Sandwiches, they will go straight to your ass. – dosborn11

Runners-up:

Chicken Cutlet’s new boy-toy, Ham Hocks. – TexnDoc

It was only a matter of time before Madonna had her naked pics “leaked”. – moistiest

If you’re eating a loaf of bread, don’t click to see the NSFW version of this shit after the jump. JUMP!!!

Ron Holiday – Cat dancer, animal trainer, wig lover, eyebrow artist and overall hot piece. Ron was part of an act called Cat Dancers with his wife Joy Holiday, their lover Chuck Lizza and a bunch of big pussies. Ron is the subject of an HBO documentary called Cat Dancers which all of you should watch. It’s worth it for Ron’s wigs and outfits alone. Below is the trailer for that shit:

For Alicia

Vanessa Paradis (36)
Ali Lohan (40 15)
Jordin Sparks (19)
Jennifer Hawkins (25)
Mia Tyler (30)
Heather Donahue (34)
Dina Meyer (40)
Ralph Fiennes (46)
Luther Campbell (48)
Bern Nadette Stanis (56)
Robin Gibb (59)
Diane Sawyer (63)
Hector Elizondo (72)
Barbara Billingsley (93)

The methed-out version of Billy Mays, Vince from ShamWow, is back in a new infomercial for some shit product called the Slap Chop! The Slap Chop Vince is whoring out is not to be confused with Parasite Hilton’s vagina. The Slap Chop is her snatch’s pet name.

You know, I’ve never been sexually attracted to Vince, but I am now. Especially at the 0:37 mark. He also made my no-no pucker with his “Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini!” line. Don’t threaten me with a good time, Vince! You bring the nuts and I’ll bring the thongs!

In all seriousness, the Slap Chop looks like a wonderful product thanks to Vince’s master skills. With the Slap Chop, you don’t have to spend hours making vegetables and other food items look like fresh cat barf.

(Thanks Rachel)