I was kind of hoping that Bruce Jenner would publicly debut “Her” at the end of the Balmain fashion show in Paris while stomping to Khia’s “Been The Shit” in a red satin  fuckme dress and exquisite Lucite heels. But that’s not how the unveiling of “Her” is going to happen.

TMZ, People, UsWeekly and a million others who somehow got the news at the same time (So I guess Pimp Mama Kris is still his manager after all) say that Bruce Jenner will present his true identity he refers to as “Her” on the summer cover of Vanity Fair. The cover and shoot will be shot by Annie Leibovitz. Bruce’s issue is expected to come out around the same time as the debut of the E! reality show that documents his transition.

While Kim Kartrashian has been on the cover of Vogue (“Don’t remind us.” – humanity), she has never been on the cover of Vanity Fair. Yes, Bruce! Outsell, Kummy Kakes and show her how to really break the internet.

Bad news for those of you who really wanted to see a White Chicks Masking Doll burp up freestyles like, “Mobobobo Dididididid lkjalksdfjlakfjldsfal Monks Monks! Fire Fire! Jlasjdflkasdjflka!” It’s not going to happen, because the rillest in the game has just dumped plans for her first arena tour into the trash can along with the remnants of her original nose.

Shit wasn’t looking good for Iggy’s big tour last month when it was postponed. The rumor was that the dates were postponed, because Iggy wasn’t even trying to promote her own tour and wasn’t returning emails. But others reported that the dates were really postponed, because her tickets were selling about as well as Prozac at a Scientology convention. Well, the whole tour, which was supposed to open on September 18 in San Diego, has been scrapped. This email went out to ticketholders:

“The Iggy Azalea Great Escape Tour scheduled for this fall has been cancelled and refunds are available at point of purchase. There will be a new tour planned around Iggy’s new record to be released in 2016 and we apologize for any inconvenience.”

Iggy also confirmed this shit on Twitter.

Iggy is kind of brand new and they were booking her into 18,000 seat arenas and the average ticket price was $167. Many of her shows didn’t require a ticket for kids under the age of 3 and more than half of her fan base are toddlers. How the hell are you going to make money when most of your fans can get in for free? But seriously, whose idea was it for her to play arenas? (SPOILER ALERT: It was probably Iggy’s.) Even a legendary, multi-talented, world-renowned, beloved jewel like Charo would have a hard time selling out 18,000 seat venues on her own. And now I need to buttchug a gallon of liquid Prozac, because I depressed myself by saying that the greatest entertainer alive can’t sell out an arena

Iggy’s nemesis Azealia Banks hasn’t straight up said anything about this on Twitter, but she did tweet one of her lyrics:

I will ruin you, cunt.

— AZEALIA BANKS (@AZEALIABANKS) May 29, 2015

Hmmm, I wonder who that is about?

This is bullshit. Ed Sheeran, the ginger tabby cat that was turned into a British yodeler by Taylor Swift’s on-call magic fairy, got a wax figure at Madame Tussauds in NYC. I’ve never been to that Madame Tussauds, but I guarantee you that they don’t have a wax figure of Rojo Caliente. If any ginger in this world deserves a creepy wax figure at Madame Tussauds in NYC, it’s the Queen of NYC Rojo Caliente!

Madame Tussauds can easily right this wrong. They can turn that Ed Sheeran wax figure into a Rojo Caliente one by scraping off its beard, installing a halo over its head, sticking angels wings on its back and making it so that it farts out a hot ray of sunshine every hour on the hour. Instant Rojo statue!

Ed Instagrammed a picture of his statue and added this little caption:

Met my waxwork at Madame Tussaud, he didn’t say much but he’s got a bulge so it’s all good

Ed saying that his wax figure has a bulge makes me say, “Yes. Yes, I’d totally do that wax figure.” On that note, if you’re ever disgusted with yourself over some gross one-night-stand you had with a disgusting trick, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just tell yourself that out there in the world is gutter slut that is more hard-up and desperate than you and yes, it’s me.

Pics: Wenn.com

Back in December, Dustin Diamond redefined the words MESS (and coming from a dude who appears to be wearing a piss-stained garbage mattress as a shirt, that’s saying a lot) by getting into a fist-fight with a couple who tried to take his picture in a Wisconsin bar on Christmas, then pulling a switchblade and stabbing a 25-year-old dude named Casey Smet.

Well, Dustin Diamond has plead “not guilty” to that time he stabbed a guy because he totally didn’t mean to stab that guy. Page Six says that Screech showed up in a Wisconsin court earlier today and testified that he was just trying to protect his girlfriend Amanda Schutz. Screech claims the couple were harassing him and he felt he was being “set up for antagonistic purposes.” He claims he only took out the switchblade to “take the fight out” of the couple and scare them a little. Of course, the fight escalated, and Casey got shanked.

Screech could face up to 10 years in prison if he’s found guilty. “I’ll wait for you!” just yelled Violet Bickerstaff.

Dustin also managed to throw a little verbal side-eye at Casey in court, because that’s a good idea. Casey claimed he didn’t know he got stabbed until he started talking to the police. Dustin brought that up and then proposed this question: how could he have stabbed someone if the person who got stabbed didn’t even know they got stabbed. Ah, truly one of life’s great mysteries. Sorry, “If a tree falls in the forest“, but you’ve been replaced.

If I’m going to write about the never-ending trials and tribulations of Kelly Rutherford’s wreck of a custody fight, I may as well post a picture of her posing to next to a gorgeous, glamorous and insane-looking Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

As expected, a judge in Monaco spit at a California’s judge’s order that allowed Kelly Rutherford to bring her kids, Hermes and Helena, back to the US. If you haven’t been following this mess that’s an even bigger mess than Grace of Monaco (yes, I watched that elegant yawn and let’s not ever speak of it), let me give you the gist of it. Just picture Kelly and her ex Daniel Giersch practically yanking their kids arms off while using them as the rope in a never-ending game of tug o’ war. That’s pretty much what’s going on.

Kelly’s kids currently live in Monaco with their dad, because his US Visa was revoked. Last week, Kelly went to Monaco to visit them, but Daniel refused to let her see them until she handed over their US passports. Kelly told TMZ in an interview that anybody who brings her kids back to the US will be an American hero. So Daniel cried that he’s afraid she will kidnap their kids and asked her to hand over their passports to a third-party. Kelly’s lawyer went to court in L.A. and argued that Daniel is violating their agreement by not letting her see their kids. The judge in CA sided with Kelly. The judge declared that Kelly can bring Hermes and Helen back to CA. Kelly just needed an okay from Monaco to make that happen, but she didn’t get that okay.

The Associated Press says that Monaco currently has jurisdiction in the case and a judge ruled that the judge in California may not be aware of that. The judge in CA and the judge in Monaco will talk it out in a phone conference that’s supposed to happen on June 11th.

I was going to say that Kelly should just raise the white flag and move to Monaco. If there’s a community theater scene in Monaco, she can be the queen of it!. But then I read that relocating to Monaco isn’t that easy. You have to prove that you shit diamonds, basically. You have to deposit a bunch of money into a bank in Monaco. Kelly declared bankruptcy and says she’s gone broke from fighting her ex, so that may be out. Let the messiness continue, I guess.

You’d think that any Ian Somerhalder fan who is devoted and crazy enough to stand outside of his hotel in Paris would know that May 28th is International Ian Somerhalder Day and on that day, Ian Somerhalder does not take selfies or sign autographs, thankyouverymuch.

Yesterday in Paris, Ian and his partner in cheese Nikki Reed walked out of their hotel and straight into a group of fans who wanted a picture with him. Since it was May 28th and his day, Ian Somerhalder dramatically let his fans know in an impassioned speech that he would not be posing with them. If you’re fluent in side-eye reading, then you can clearly see the guy in the black suit and t-shirt saying, “Um, you know you could just take a quick picture with them in the time it’s taking you to give this long ass speech,” with his side-eye

That crying girl… It’s just Ian Somerhalder! It’s not like it’s a legendary Ian like Ian Ziering or anything.

I, for one, love Ian’s anti-Norma Desmond “I am NOT ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille” monologue. With a few changes, it’s the perfect speech to say in many situations. The next time a bill collector calls you, say to them, “You guys, I am not taking a single call from a bill collector today. It is MY day. Don’t call me, please. I love you. You’re so awesome.” Make sure you grab and shake your left titty when you say “MY” so they can really feel the emotion through the phone.

But seriously, if Ian really wanted those fans to leave him alone, he should’ve just said to them, “Hi, everyone, I’m not Zac Efron.” They would’ve said, “Oh shit,” before shuffling away.