This Pepaw Really Hates His Lawn Mower

When something in your house breaks, a normal person would kick it or call it a “stupid cunt.” Not Keith Walendowski from Milwaukee. When his lawn mower didn’t start, he shot the bitch. You know he probably yelled, “Godamn stupid fucking lawn damn fucking mower!” when he shot at it.

One of Keith’s lady friends, who lives with him, called the po po and got her old man arrested. What a bitch! He was probably interrupting her favorite “Mama’s Family” re-run.

Keith was arrested and charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. When asked why he shot the lawn mower, he said (read this with a raspy slur) “I can do that, it’s my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want.” Pepaw has a point.

Keefs (that’s probably what his friends call him because they are all drunks) faces up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.

Keef’s lady friend also told the police he was drunk at the time. You fucking think? Just from looking at his mug shot, I can smell the mixture of Early Times whiskey and Pall Malls.

That being said, I wouldn’t hit it. Shocking, eh? Okay, I’m lying. I totally would if he shared some of his Early Times with me.

Source

Thanks Carol Ann

Not A Grey Poupon Fan

Booby Bat

File this under: Bitch must be smoking some of the pure shit! Meet 19-year-old Abbie Hawkins from England. One afternoon, Abbie was working at her job as a hotel receptionist when she felt vibrating coming from her chichi area. Apparently, Abbie regularly keeps her cell phone in her chichis, because she figured her phone was the cause of all that shaking. I would’ve let the nipple tickling continue all fucking day! Shit, I would’ve headed to the nearest bathroom with an International Male catalog in my hands. Nipple party!

When Abbie went to grab what she thought was her mobile phone, she found a baby bat instead! According to her stupid ass, the bat had been there for about five hours. She said it was just lying in her bra. It was probably thinking, “Bitch, I’m taking a dump. Give me some privacy!”

Abbie told The Daily Mail, “I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly. The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before. When I was driving to work I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket. It was quite a busy morning and I did not for one minute think it was anything other than my mobile.”

The hotel’s manager helped Abbie get the bat out of her bra (I’m sure he did) and he set it free.

Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha. This bitch is dense! And I’m sure that poor baby bat flew to the nearest looney bin for psychiatric treatment. He’s never going to be the same again.

And Xtina says “there’s a bat in my chichis” at least four times a week.

Below are more pictures of dumb fuck Abbie posing with some plastic bat. No wonder she didn’t notice the baby bat in her chichis, she has wonk eye for days!

Finger Licking Good

This 35-year-old Aaron Maurice and he was arrested in Appleton, WI last Wednesday after police found him in the basement of a house he was trying to rob. They found Aaron completely covered in barbecue sauce from head to toe.

It all started at around 4 in the morning, when the couple who lived in the house, heard whistling coming from the basement. The male resident grabbed his shotgun and headed to the basement. He found the lights turned on, so he turned them off. That’s when the BBQ lover Aaron asked the man what he was doing.

In addition to the BBQ sauce, Aaron was wearing a chick’s jacket and a dude’s hat. He told the po-po that he broke into the basement, because he’s on the run from the government. He said the BBQ sauce was an “urban disguise.” Crack is whack!

I know what I’m going to be for Halloween. I also hope the police release pictures of Aaron in his BBQ sauce disguise. You know, because if I’m ever on the run from the government, I want to know if BBQ sauce is a good enough disguise.

And yes, I’d hit it. BBQ sauce and all!

Source

You Do Not Want To Eff With Stephanie Wilson

29-year-old Stephanie Wilson decided to take her little baby and her other young child for a walk around their Utica, NY neighborhood on Tuesday evening. Everything was going well until Stephanie ran into one of her rivals. Stephanie and the other woman immediately began arguing over money. That’s when Stephanie reached into the stroller and pulled out a big knife! She also pulled out a sawed-off shotgun. This is some Quentin Tarantino shit!

The police were called. When they arrived and searched the stroller, they found the knife, the sawed-off shotgun AND two other knives and a box cutter razor. Don’t judge! This woman is protecting her family.

The cops didn’t see it that way and they arrested Stephanie and charged her with three counts of endangering the welfare of a child and one felony count of third-degree criminal possession of a weapon. Her children were turned over to CPS.

What the hell kind of stroller holds all that shit?! You know MiserAlba has already called Stephanie to ask her what brand of stroller she has and if it also comes equipped with a flame thrower.

Source

Thanks John

It’s A Package Deal

42-year-old Deven Traboscia of Palm Beach Gardens, FL is auctioning off her home and herself in a package deal. The single mother of 2 has posted an auction on eBay as well as an ad on Craigslist. She’s been divorced for 8 years and hopes she’ll find a man and a buyer for her house. Her Craigslist ad reads:

Marry a Princess Lost in America
Create the Magic with this Fairy Tale Princess

Traveling Lady in immediate need of her Prince Charming, someone who wants to share & create magical moments, imaginations & fantasies for LIFE!!!

If you want to live the never ending dream and experience the real love, life and the romance you have always felt was a fairytale then this is the vibrant outstanding woman of your dreams!

To sweep this European Loving Lady off her feet send in your application right now.

Deven’s home is 2000 sqft on a 5,227 sqft lot. Wait, maybe those are her body measurements. She told ABC Action News that a man from Europe is coming to Florida to meet her and see the home. She’s going to be fucking pissed when Sacha Baron Cohen as Bruno shows up with his camera crew.

Deven included a few pictures of herself and her home in the auction, but she looks nothing like those pictures! The second thumbnail below is what Deven’s ass looks like now. False advertising! And what does “European Loving Lady” mean? Does that mean she’s into kinky shit?

The eBay auction has since been removed by a bunch of fun killers, but bidding started at 99 cents with a $500,000 shipping and handling fee. Deven’s Craigslist ad is still up, so the fairy princess and her dream home can still be yours for the rock bottom price of $500,099. Or you can just buy me for a two piece and a biscuit.