All the cucumbers are sad today, because Hilaria Baldwin may never again agree to participate in a cooking demonstration and call them by their zippy Spanish name, pepino. I get it. Who doesn’t remember their first day in Spanish class, when the teacher would ask everyone their name and then bestow on them a new version of it? Shy, nerdy Caitlin lit up like a Christmas tree when Señora Graham called her “Catalina.” Every school day for 50 minutes, quiet Caitlin became a sunny island off the coast of faraway California, welcoming day-trippers with a smile. Such is the power of a spiffy new name. And no, I don’t believe for a moment that Hilaria’s family ever called her anything but “Hillary” at home. Maybe “Stop playing Mary Lou Retton on the staircase and get your sorry Gumby ass to the dinner table, Hillary.” And it wasn’t a platter of paella on that table, either.
But anyway, today’s episode of the Hillary/Hilaria saga includes even more damage control over her lying liar heritage debacle. Hilaria issued an apology, which is really just an exasperated sigh of resignation and bittersweet surrender, while still clinging to her delusions.
According to People:
In her first Instagram post since Dec. 27, Hilaria apologized for not being “more clear” about her cultural background.
“I’ve spent the last month listening, reflecting, and asking myself how I can learn and grow. My parents raised my brother and me with two cultures, American and Spanish, and I feel a true sense of belonging to both,” she captioned a family photo with husband Alec Baldwin and their kids. “The way I’ve spoken about myself and my deep connection to two cultures could have been better explained — I should have been more clear and I’m sorry.”
While Hilaria stretches both literally and figuratively to keep her fanciful Spanish fairy tale intact, supported by the blinding glamour of both Charo and Salma Hayek, who both have legitimate ties to Spain; her Instagram shill-game is suffering and concessions had to be made. People again:
She continued: “I’m proud of the way I was raised, and we’re raising our children to share the same love and respect for both. Being vulnerable and pushing ourselves to learn and grow is what we’ve built our community on, and I hope to get back to the supportive and kind environment we’ve built together.”
Translation: “I’m pushing 40 and don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to pop out babies with Spanish names or flex my sucio feet on the kitchen counters, so let’s chalk this up as an innocent, well-meaning mistake and keep the payments flowing. Gracias.”
Here is the full Instagram sort-of-but-not-really apology with the whole family artfully draped on the floor, racking up plenty of stretching practice for all the shady, ambitious reaches that await them in the future: