Open Post: Hosted By One Determined Pussy

Here’s Lynx the kitten teaching all of us a very important lesson: When there’s a bowl of lasagna soup (or whatever the hell that is) on the table across from you and you’ve got the drunks so bad that you keep falling while trying to get to it, keep going after it. You may fall a thousand times, but you’ll get it sooner or later. This is basically going to be all of us at around 12:02 tomorrow morning. Happy New Year!

 via SayOMG

From The “Bitch, Please” Files: Anne Hathaway Thinks Her Performance In Les Miserable Was Just “Eh”

Anne Hathaway told us a million times over that she almost starved to death to play Fantine and her marriage almost ended during filming and if she doesn’t win the Oscar for it, a litter of kittens will meet their maker. Anne Hathaway has jammed it deep down our throats that she deserves to win that Oscar and she’s said everything she can to embed this into our brains, but now she’s trying some reverse psychology shit. Anne, who already said that her performance in Les Miserables made her cry, tells The Los Angeles Times that her version of “I Dreamed A Dream” is about as exciting as giving a handjob to a soft peen. Anne told her director Tom Hooper that she wanted to do at least 12 takes of the song. After the 4th take, Tom told Anne that she did it perfectly, but she still wanted to go for more.

Hathaway insisted Hooper let her perform over a dozen takes of “I Dreamed a Dream,” even after he said he’d gotten the perfect performance on Take 4. She wanted to see if she could make it any different, any better, any more — “any anything.” But after she’d given 20 more takes, Hooper told her to call it quits.

“And I was like, ‘Fair enough.’ I never bettered it,” she explained.

Asked if she is pleased with the version that appears in the final cut, she shrugged half-heartedly.

“Eh.”

Because I’m in Kauai right now and have been told that the one movie theater here reeks of musty ass and the popcorn taste like it was popped with taint grease (“Then you should be ordering that shit by the gallons, Michael K.” – you “Good point.” – me), I haven’t seen Les Miserables yet , but I feel like I don’t have to now. Anne Hathaway has talked about it so damn much and jacked herself off non-stop for the past few weeks that I feel like I can say with confidence that it’s the greatest performance ever given by an actress. God gave us the sense of hearing and sight just so we can take in the masterpiece performance that Anne Hathaway gives. Burn down every museum and torch every movie ever made, because Anne Hathaway’s performance is the only piece of art that modern civilization needs.

And if she doesn’t win the Oscar, the earth will implode from all of us HAHAHAHA-ing at the top of our lungs.

Aaaaand Here We Go Again

During her last pregnancy, Jessica Simpson broke every copy of Elle’s Photoshop when she posed nekkid ass nekkid and talked non-stop about how she couldn’t get enough of Eric Johnson sticking his gold digging peen up into her amniotic fluid ocean. And now we’re doing it all over again. Chestica tweeted this picture of her making third degree duckface while showing off the skin globe where her second baby is growing. Since Jessica and Eric are horniest when she’s knocked up, I don’t even want to think of the things they’re doing with her deep ass belly button. Let’s not go to that place. It’s way too late in the year for that shit.

And judging by her last pregnancy, I’m guessing she’s about 10 days knocked up here. Only 545 days to go!

via UsWeekly 

Hot Slut Of The Day!

Linda Rogo (as played by Stella Stevens) from the Poseidon Adventure!

Like any other 55 year old fat lady with cats trapped in a 32 year old gay man’s body, New Year’s Eve only bring one film to mind – The Poseidon Adventure! This 1972 cinematic shitquake is about a ship turning upside down and the survivors, including Gene Hackman, the grandfather from Willy Wonka, the first Fallon Carrington and Shelley Winters (who gives a crotch shot) struggling to get out. But the real star is the queen of all sluts, Linda Rogo. An ex-hooker, she strips to her panties as soon as the ship capsizes, like a good slut should. She spends the rest of the movie cursing at everyone, calling Shelly Winters a fat ass and climbing through vents in her high heels and underwear. Spoiler alert: Bitch dies at the end, which is a bummer because I’d have loved to see her scream at Telly Savalas in Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.

Here’s to Linda Rogo and let’s hope that 2013 is the year of the slut!

Birthday Sluts

Sir Anthony Hopkins (75)
Gabby Douglas (17)
Psy (35)
Donald Trump Jr. (35)
Joey McIntyre (40)
Gong Li (47)
Nicholas Sparks (47)
Michael McDonald (48)
Lance Reddick (50)
Val Kilmer (53)
Bebe Neuwirth (54)
James Remar (59)
Rita Lee (65)
Tim Matheson (65)
Diane von Fürstenberg (66)
Barbara Carrera (67)
Taylor Hackford (68)
Sir Ben Kingsley (69)

Brace Yourselves, Kim Kardashian Is Knocked Up With Kanye’s Baby And That Means The World Is Going To Explode

You know how you were taking a walk on Sunday night and a drop of white goop fell on your forehead? You thought it was just a pigeon shitting from above. But nope, that wasn’t it. It was Pimp Mama Kris’ panty pudding flying out of her snatch after she learned that the STUNT QUEEN BABIES of all STUNT QUEEN BABIES is in her daughter’s womb. At his show in Atlantic City, Gay Fish announced that he put a baby in Kim Kardashian. The Mayans got it wrong. December 21, 2012 wasn’t supposed to be the last day of the world. It’s (insert the date that Kim butt births out her first born). I CAN’T even, so I’ll let E! News take it from here:

E! News has confirmed with the Kardashian family that Kim is expecting her first child with the rapper. But it was West who already spilled the exciting news to a few hundred concertgoers.

During his Atlantic City show on Sunday night, West decided to announce that Kim was expecting to all his fans. Kanye West says he “ain’t crazy.”

And the congratulatory tweets have already begun for the future parents. “Congrats to Kim and Kanye. Happy for both of them… bit.ly/YE4Uzh,” Russell Simmons tweeted, while the Kardashians all showed their joy for the newest member of the family. “Im a happy girl !!!!!!!!! Wowza! Oh BABY BABY BABY,” Kris Jenner tweeted. Khloé Kardashian Odom wrote, “Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!!! LOVE is everything!!!!” Kourtney Kardashian also went to Twitter with, “Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can! Another angel to welcome to our family. Overwhelmed with excitement!”

Kim is about 12 weeks pregnant.

12 weeks?! That means Kim Kartrashian is going to birth out a baby about the same time as Duchess Kate is going to push out the future Queen of King of England. Oh here go hell come. We should all say goodbye to oxygen, because Kim’s ass is going to get so HUGE that it’s going to take over most of the world and all of our faces will be pressed against he earth’s surface when she reaches her last trimester.

And well, now we know that you can get knocked up from letting your piece piss on your ass. And I bet the Illuminati’s chosen one will be named King Kimye. Lord help us all! Jesus take the bedazzled wheel.