It’s A Sad Day For True Love

The lunar goddess who was plucked out of a celestial blossom by Buzz Aldrin when he visited the moon has filed for divorce from him after 23 years of marriage. TMZ brings us the news that will make the galaxy cry starry tears. They say that Buzz, the second man to walk on the moon, filed papers in Los Angeles yesterday to legally quit Lois Driggs Cannon, the daughter of McDonald’s Mr. Tonight and Miss Klingon 1921. We now know the answer to the question: “Can a love between a human astronaut and an exquisite alien deity last forever?” Tell your children.

Buzz blames “irreconcilable differences” on the reason why their fiber optic flower of a marriage blew a fuse and died forever. Buzz says they separated only two days ago.

This just doesn’t make sense! Why would Buzz Aldrin walk out on a celestial beauty like Lois?! Why would he choose to not wake up next to a glistening forehead of a moon angel? Yes, it takes Buzz 20 minutes and several coats of lip chap to kiss her from the top of her infinitehead to her lips every morning, but I bet it’s the best 20 minutes of his day.

I’m going to choose to believe that Buzz loves Lois so much that he just has to let her go. Like that movie Splash! It broke Buzz’s heart to watch Lois stare out the window at her native land with her eyes playing that Klymaxx song. Buzz knew Lois would be happier breaking craters with her forehead on the moon. So he let her fly up, up away and to be with her people. That is the only reasonable explanation for this shit!

Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light, and the red balloon. Goodnight Buzz and Lois too…

And well, I guess Hugh Hefner’s got a new partner in geriatric ho shit.

Open Post: Hosted By Abracadabra

After watching all 4 minutes of these horny lady hos fuck the wind to an Aqua b-side, I have so many questions. But answers are cheap, because the only thing I really need is for these hot sexy moves to get into my body now!

via Videogum (Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

Jennifer Manastealin & Justin Theroux Aren’t Wasting Any Time

As Heidi Bivens visits a shaman/matchmaker to try to shake off the FOREVER ALONE curse that was passed on to her by Jennifer Aniston after Justin Theroux dropped her, her ex-boyfriend and Maddox’s nemesis have moved in together. UsWeekly reports that Jennifer Manastealin has cleared out some space in her Cabbage Patch Doll’s closet to make room for Justin Theroux’s shit.

A source says that even though they’ve been dating for a few weeks, she’s already calling him her boyfriend and they’re living together at her house in L.A. AND Life & Style is reporting that Jen and Justin are playing a fast forward game of Life by adopting a puppy friend together.

Norman, Jen’s BFF and the best lonely tear licker a spinster could ask for, went to doggy dog heaven earlier this year and now she’s ready to add a new member to her canine family. The source says that Justin is into it, because he’s all set to settle down and start a family.

Who cares if Justin was sharing a tube of toothpaste with his longtime girlfriend only a couple of months ago! Who cares if Justin will probably do to Aniston what Brenda did to him on Six Feet Under! This is Jennifer’s time! After years of whispering sweet nothings into her body pillow, she has finally found something that will whisper back to her instead of spitting out hypoallergenic stuffing.

Who Wore It Better?

Like I even have to ask?

Blake Lively rolled through the bride’s first night collection in the bath aisle at Bed, Bath and Beyond before hitting the L.A. premiere of The Green Lantern last night. Don’t you just want to throw her on the bottom of your tub so you don’t slip and break an ass bone while showering? But jokes aside, I am a little surprised that Blake NotSoLively looked so demure at the opening of her first huge movie. Up until this point, Blake had been whoring herself out raw to sell this movie. The “It Wasn’t Me” naked picture sponsored by Shaggy, the whole “taming of Leonardo DiCatchaho“ thing and then she ends up with nothing but a silent bang?

If the reviews are right, then The Green Lantern is a pile of shit covered in green phlegm that will probably get beat at the box office by that movie about penguins who are addicted to poppers. So I would’ve though that Blake would’ve put in one last giant thrust by putting the ATTENTION in attention whore. You know, like showing up to the premiere wearing Leonardo’s dick as a necklace and the transcripts from Jennifer Garner’s “STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY HUSBAND, YOU BLAND OATMEAL WHORE” voicemails to her as a skirt. The only way this movie can be saved is if Warner Bros. makes some last minute changes and turns the Green Lantern’s finger ring into a cock ring.

Here’s a few more pictures from the premiere of the movie you won’t be seeing this weekend: Blake Lively with her family (including TEEN WITCH!), Ryan Reynolds, Zachary Levi, my new wet dream co-star, Peter Sarsgaard and Angela Bassett.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: Vancouver Edition

After the Vancouver Canucks lost the Stanley Cup (This is hockey we’re talking about. You know, it’s that sport that’s based on that Mighty Ducks movie.) to the Boston Bruins, some of the crazed fans freaked out like a Juggalo when the Faygo runs out. They flipped cars like Khloe Kardashian when her last M&M rolls under her Benz! They flamed the streets like me whenever an Atomic Kitten song comes up on my iPod. They even ransacked a damn Sears. Of course this is coming from crazy bitches who have socialized healthcare. If they cut themselves while punching through a glass window to snatch a pair of sensible Canyon River jeans, they can go to the nearest hospital and get that shit stitched up without pulling out their wallet. Me, I’d be like, “Err. I’ll wait until they go on sale.”

Doesn’t weed practically grow on trees in Vancouver? Why did fans burn down cars when they really should’ve burned a weed tree, inhaled hard and calmed themselves! IT’S JUST HOCKEY (cut to a Molotov cocktail shooting towards my head from Vancouver)!!!! It’s not like Ke$ha announced that she’s adding 2 more Vancouver dates. Just give yourself a Calgon enema, gargle with Valiums and tell yourself that there’s always next year. Unless the Mighty Ducks make it to the finals and then, well, may God be with the Vancouver Sears.

Seriously, make love in the middle of the streets, not war. At least some bitches know what I’m talking about.

The Duggars Are Hijacking The Letter M

Fuck me. I have been forced to officially change my born name to my junior high school nickname of Dyke-al now that one of Michelle Duggar’s baby making franchises has birthed out her second child and decided to stake her claim to the letter M.

Michelle Duggar and Jim Bob’s oldest son Josh and his wife Anna are keeping with the family tradition by popping out babies like her pussy is Angry Birds on speed and they plan to give all their kin children a first name that starts with the same letter. Michelle Duggar has J and now Josh Duggar has M. The alphabet hasn’t been this scared since Richard Pryor guest starred on Sesame Street.

People reports that 22-year-old Anna Duggar vag burped out an 8lb baby boy at their home in Arkansas yesterday evening. Anna’s made her first sacrifice to the Duggar Dynasty, a girl named MacKynzie, 20 months ago. But the worst part is that Anna and Josh have fired shots by naming their second son: MICHAEL JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you gathered all the Michaels up in the world, we could all march up into Michelle Duggar’s double wide baby slide and hold a conference of Michaels in her uterus’ waiting room. That’s a lot of Michaels! So not only have Anna and Josh added another Michael to the planet when we’re already Michaeled fucking out, but they’re also going to chew up the letter M until it resembles one of Michelle’s fallopian tubes.

Now I have some name change documents to fill out while I push sad snots out of my eyes and tears out of my nose. I’ll also push one out for Anna’s uterus, because it has no idea that it’s about to become the Kunta Kinte of wombs.