Category: Twilight

Kristen Stewart Thinks It Was Gross That Her Relationship With RPattz Was Turned Into A “Product”

August 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like she’s about to scream “STOP MARKETING US!! WE’RE SERIOUS ACTORS!” at the premiere of Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 2, Kristen Stewart is once again talking about the time she and Robert Pattinson spent as Robsten. During an interview with T magazine , Kristen Stewart said that Robsten became faker than the forced smiles she worked on the red carpet at each premiere. And that’s something that makes her feel super gross. Technically you’d never know it, since her face is stuck in a permanent scowl. But believe her, she’s grossed right out.

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Stephenie Meyer Is Never Finishing That “Twilight” Spinoff Book And “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Is To Blame

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

After the Twilight series made Stephenie Meyer a millionaire many times over, she tried to squeeze more coins out of that shit by writing a spin-off book titled Midnight Sun. The spinoff book re-tells the first Twilight book from Edward Cullen’s point of view instead of from the point of view of that dead-eyed Bella trick. Stephenie stopped writing Midnight Sun in 2008 when it was mysteriously leaked onto the Internet. She responded to the leak by releasing 12 unfinished chapters and said that she’ll finish the rest once everyone forgets about it. But now Midnight Sun will never rise (don’t worry, I hate myself for writing that too) and it’s all E.L. James’ fault!

Earlier this week, Stephenie Meyer farted up the news that she had re-written Twilight but gave Bella a peen and Edward a vampire vagina. She gender-swapped them. The Twihards rolled their eyes at that mess, because that’s not the Twilight book they’ve been waiting for. They want Midnight Sun for some reason. According to Stephenie, that’s never going to happen.

At New York Comic-Con, Stephenie told the room full of Twihards that after she finished the gender-swapped Twilight, she started working on Midnight Sun again. But the next day, she found out that she had been Single White Female’d once again by that copycat bitch E.L. James when it was announced that Grey was coming out. Grey is Fifty Shades of Shit as told from Christian Grey’s perspective. E.L. James’ snatched Stephenie’s idea and put it out first. via Entertainment Weekly 

“Midnight Sun is kind of cursed,” she reportedly told the crowd. When 12 unfinished chapters of Midnight Sun leaked in 2008, Meyer said she was upset and put the project on hold. She said at the Comic-Con panel that she recently wrote a bit more from Edward’s perspective. “What do you think was the top story on Yahoo the next morning?” she asked the crowd. “Grey.”

“It was a literal flip the table moment for me,” Meyer reportedly said. The book is still on hold.

A literal table flip? I can imagine all sorts of bizarre things, but I can’t imagine Stephenie Meyer doing this:

stephenieflipatable2

Plagiarist whoooor-ah!

And there’s really only one way to settle this. They must fight to the death! Actually, no, that’s not a good idea. Because once they get into a room together, they made decide that their evil powers will strengthen if they join forces and that will lead to them shitting out a mash-up book called Fifty Shades of Twilight.

Pic: Splash

Because Everybody Asked For This: The Gender-Swapped Twilight Is Here

October 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Stephenie Meyer must have gotten sick of copy cat bitches (see: E.L. James) stealing her brilliant literary ideas and multi-dimensional characters, so she decided to join them by copying herself.

Since it was Twilight’s 10th anniversary yesterday, many Twihards thought that Stephenie would give them the gift of Midnight Sun, the story of Twatlight told from Edward Cullen’s perspective. But Stephenie has given them something even better. Stephenie has “reimaginedTwilight by swapping the genders of the main characters. Stephenie worked tirelessly on reworking her literary masterpiece and by that I mean she pretty much kept everything the same and used the “find and replace” function to change the names “Bella” and “Edward” to “Beau” and “Edythe.” Yes, Bella is now Beau and Edward is Edythe. I love it! Edythe sounds like the name of a grouchy old conservative memaw and Beau sounds like the name of the mischievous mutt she was forced to take care of after her husband died. The names are perfect!

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Kristen Stewart Is Really Proud Of Twilight, So Says Kristen Stewart

February 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like an apathetic greasy teenage elf raver runaway, Kristen Stewart recently gave an interview to Patti Smith for Interview, and she admitted something I never thought I’d hear anyone associated with the Twilight franchise would ever admit, let alone Kristen Stewart: that she’s not just proud of the Twilight movies, but that she’s “fucking proud”. Literally every neurologist across the country just told their assistants to clear their schedules because “the mopey girl from Twilight clearly needs a brain scan.

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FKA Twigs Says That Being With Robert Pattinson Makes The Twihard Hate Worth It

November 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Ever since FKA Twigs, the British singer with seal-shaped brows, has been seen with Robert Pattinson, the Robsten crazies have screamed, “PHOTOSHOP!” and other dumb shit. FKA Twigs tells USA Today that because of the Twitter hate, she had to curb the twatting a bit, but doing the splits on RPattz’s sparkly hobo dick is worth all the rage the Twihards throw at her. This is the reason why the Cult of RobstenIsUnbroken is outside punching twigs in trees while screaming pieces of their lungs out.

…after all, she says, she has no control over the online venom of “14-year-old kids that should be in bed” — but she still finds the constant attention difficult.

“I really enjoy the fun of putting something out and people liking it or hating it or talking about it, but vacuous attention, it feels disgusting. It’s like a hangover,” she says. “It’s weird, I know that’s not really because of me or what I’m doing, ” but nevertheless, “the positivity that I get from (my relationship) makes the more challenging aspects … very worth it.”

Because my life is sad,  I’ve spent some nights drunkenly trolling through #Robsten on Twitter and I’ve found that a lot of those crazies aren’t 14. They’re grown mothers who spend their time wallpapering their basement walls with pictures of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson because that’s not at all crazy. I see you looking at me like, “Who are you to talk, bitch. We all know you’ve almost broken your neck from spending hours pasting pictures of a half-naked Prince Hot Ging on your ceiling.” We’re not talking about me!

Nearly every pap picture I’ve seen of FKA Twigs, she’s got her mouth open and I hope that’s because she’s breathing in the delicious smoke fumes coming out of the ears of the Robsten fangirls when they see pictures of her holding hands with Kristen Stewart’s secret husband and baby father. FKA Twigs needs to really drive those crazies to the edge by walking around with a bottle of pussy lube called “Twihard Tears” and once RPattz’s hair grows over that hideous hairy skid mark, she should make him shave “#TwattIsUnbroken” into his head.

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