Rapper Christ Bearer, Who’s Affiliated With Wu-Tang Clan, Cut Off His Peen Before Jumping Off Of A Balcony
And now here’s a giant side of WTF and a giant side of SAD to go with your lunch, which I’m hoping isn’t a kielbasa sandwich….
TMZ says that Wu-Tang affiliated rapper Christ Bearer (government name: Andre Johnson) was taken to Cedars-Sinai in L.A. early this morning after he Lorena Bobbitt’d himself and jumped off of a second story balcony in North Hollywood. The cops are treating it as a suicide attempt. A police source told TMZ that after someone called 911, they showed up to the apartment building and found Andre lying on the sidewalk in a bad way. Andre is currently laid up in the hospital in critical condition. TMZ also let it be know that the status of his peen is not known at this time.
Christ Bearer is in the rap duo Northstar, which was discovered by RZA in 1998, and is also in other Wu Tang-affiliated groups. Members of one of the groups tell TMZ that they live in the same building as Christ Bearer. They say that out of nowhere, Christ Bearer cut off his dick and then jumped off of the balcony without warning. They say that he wasn’t on any kind of drugs that would cause him to do that and by the time they got downstairs he was running around screaming incoherently.
Yes, my brain is still shivering with the WHATTHEFUCKS and I do not appreciate your Johnson jokes at this time. I hardly leave my house, but when I do I always wish that a dick will fall on my head. I’m not going to make that wish anymore.
Well damn, the BBC says that British socialite Peaches Geldof was found dead at her home in Kent this afternoon. An ambulance was called to her house and paramedics later pronounced her dead. A question mark has been listed as cause of death for now and the police say that “the death is being treated as unexplained and sudden.” Peaches was only 25.
Peaches was the daughter of Irish legend Sir Bob Geldof and British TV presenter Paula Yates and became a scenester type in London when she was a teenager. Peaches had a few reality shows and wrote a column for Elle UK and The Guardian. Peaches was also known for her messy antics like the time she blamed the City of London for not taking care of the sidewalks when her baby fell out of his stroller while she was talking on her iPhone and the time she supposedly had a heroin-induced one-night-stand which ended at the Scientology Centre in L.A. (Peaches later denied doing that dragon chasing shit and said she only flirted with Tommy Girl’s cult of insanity for a quick second.) Peaches fucked around with Eli Roth for a minute and married her first husband Max Drummey in 2008. After Peaches gave birth to her first son Astala in 2012 and married her hot husband Thomas Cohen, she seemed have to calmed down. She gave birth to her second son Phaedra last year.
Bob Geldof released this statement about the death of his daughter:
“Peaches has died. We are beyond pain. She was the wildest, funniest, cleverest, wittiest and the most bonkers of all of us.”
Peaches her survived by her sons, her dad, her husband and her sisters Fifi Trixibelle Geldof and Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldof.
Peaches’ mother died of an overdose when she was just 11. Yesterday, Peaches Instagrammed this picture of her with her mom.
Rest in peace, Peaches.
Go ahead and scratch off, “Mickey Rooney is going to live fooooooreeeeeeever,” from the list of things you thought were one hundred percent true in life. Because today, Mickey Rooney, who I thought was going to live long after all of us turned to dust and went off to the afterworld, died of natural causes today. Mickey was 93.
TMZ says that Mickey has had the serious sicks for a long time. Mickey Rooney (born name: Joe Yule Jr.) was born in a trunk (a fucking trunk!) in Brooklyn and six years later he made his movie debut. Mickey starred in over 70 short movies before he signed with MGM at 14. Playing Andy Hardy in a bunch of movies is what made him a star. Mickey and Judy Garland were declared America’s sweethearts after they did Thoroughbreds Don’t Cry and Babes in Arms together. Mickey was nominated for an Oscar for Babes in Arms, The Human Comedy, The Bold and The Brave and The Black Stallion, which made Elizabeth Taylor a star. He won the Academy Juvenile Award in 1938 and won an Honorary Academy Award in 1983. Mickey also won an Emmy and several Golden Globes. Mickey has millions upon millions upon millions of credits to his name including Breakfast At Tiffany’s (don’t bring that up to my Japanese grandma unless you want to see a third degree “I can’t today” face).
As for Mickey’s personal life, he laughs at Joan Collins’ 5 marriages, because like Elizabeth Taylor, his little ass was married 8 times including once to Ava Gardner. And he had 9 chirrun. Yes, a little dude like that had some potent jizz.
Recently, Mickey testified in front of the US Senate about how he suffered elder abuse at the hands of his stepson Chris Aber. Mickey sued Chris Aber for the $2.8 million he stole from him and won. Mickey had a cameo in The Muppets movie in 2011 and he was working on a few things at the time of his death.
And it wouldn’t be a Mickey Rooney post without mentioning this classic:
Sadly, the El Chupacabra of Texas that I posted about yesterday is now in heaven, sucking the blood out of the goat angels.
On Wednesday, KABC in L.A. showed video of a “chupacabra” that was caught by two hillbillies in the small town of Ratcliff in Texas. TMZ says that after the news segment went national, the teased cotton ball beauty who caught the chupacabra got a lot of shit thrown at her from PETA and other animal rights groups for not taking the poor thing to an animal hospital to be treated. Miss Jackie Stock was told that if the animal really was a chupacabra, it would’ve judged her outfit and told her that she would literally look bananas if she wore a maxi dress instead. No, the animal experts told Miss Jackie that if the animal was a real chupacabra, it would’ve sucked the blood out of the goats next door. Miss Jackie was told that the animal was most likely a raccoon who had mange in a bad way and was in pain. She took the animal to a shelter where they “peacefully” put it to sleep.
We’ll never really know what kind of animal it was, because it never got tested to see what species it was.
Rest in peace, Chupie….
And it’s not known whether or not the tortured creature on Jackie Stock’s beautiful head was euthanized as well.
Pull out your gold lamé handkerchief and gracefully wipe the crystal tear drop that is trickling down your cheek. British actress Kate O’Mara, who played Alexis Carrington’s hot scheming sister Cassandra “Caress” Morell in the 6th season of Dynasty, has gone up to the great big luxury penthouse in the sky, and when a jewel from Dynasty dies, a piece of glamour dies and when a piece of glamour dies the world becomes a homelier place.
The Daily Record reports that Kate’s agent issued a statement saying that Kate died this morning at a nursing home in Sussex after being sick for a short time. Kate was 74. Kate was a regular on the 80s British soap opera Howards’ Way, was a villainess in Doctor Who and played Patsy’s equally as glamorous rival/sister in AbFab (Why didn’t she get ALL the awards for that?), but disciples of 80s opulence know her best as Alexis’ sister who gets out of prison in Caracas and comes to Denver to destroy Alexis by exposing all her secrets in a tell-all! But because Alexis is the baddest bitch in Denver, she stomps on “Cassie’s” schemes by buying the publishing house that’s going to publish her sister’s book. Joan Collins paid tribute to Kate O’Mara on Twitter:
Tragic news about Kate O Mara , we had great fun on Dynasty when she played my sister Caress who Alexis insisted on calling CASSIE ! RIP
— Joan Collins (@joancollinsobe) March 30, 2014
Here’s an Emmy Award-worthy scene between Caress and Alexis, dahling! That bitchface duel between these two glamorous cheetahs at the end of the clip made me fall back, and Alexis taking a drag of that cigarette made me get up and fall again.
Rest in peace, Kate O’Mara. You are now with the angels showing them how glamour is really done.
And if you want to choke on massive amounts of sophistication and charisma, here’s pictures of Kate O’Mara throughout the years including pictures of her as Marlene Dietrich.
If you’ve seen at least one movie in your entire lifetime, there’s a 100% chance that James Rebhorn was in that movie, because he was in everything. James Rebhorn had an acting career that lasted 40 years and he was in 100 TV shows, plays and movies. Deadline says that James died at his home in South Orange, NJ on Friday afternoon from melanoma. James was 65 and he’s survived by his wife and two daughters.
As I keep saying, James was in everything, but here’s just a few things you may know him as:
The dad in Blank Check!!!
Carrie’s father Frank in Homeland
Bradley Raines in Guiding Light
Charles Garnett in Law & Order
Reese Hughes in White Collar
The judge in Baby Mama
Dr. Banks in Meet the Parents
The Secretary of Defense in Independence Day
The DA in the Seinfeld finale
The Thin Man from I Love Trouble (I can’t believe I remember that movie)
He was also in The Game, My Cousin Vinny, Basic Instinct, Scent of a Woman, Lorenzo’s Oil, Carlito’s Way, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Cold Mountain and Far From Heaven. He probably played a doctor more than anyone else and so the next time a casting director has to cast the part of a doctor in a movie, they should either tell the writer to write that role out or cast a James Rebhorn hologram. It’s the right thing to do.
Rest in peace, Mr. Rebhorn.
And here’s a pile of sadness for your Monday. The New York Post reports that fashion designer L’Wren Scott, who was Mick Jagger’s girlfriend for 13 years, was found hanging in her apartment in Manhattan this morning. She was only 47.
The NYPD said that L’Wren’s assistant found her at around 10 this morning. L’Wren reportedly texted her assistant at 8am and asked her to come over. The Post says that she was hanging by a scarf tied to a doorknob. The cops don’t suspect foul play and they haven’t said if she left a note.
L’Wren Scott (born name: Luann Bambrough) grew up in a small town in Utah and when she was a teenager, photographer Bruce Weber discovered her. She changed her name and modeled for Chanel before she became a stylist. In 2004, she started her own fashion brand and many famous types wore her clothes including Nicole Kidman who seems to always be wearing L’Wren Scott.
Mick Jagger is currently on tour in Australia. His rep says that he’s “completely shocked and devastated.“
The New York City medical examiner’s office released a statement today saying that Philip Seymour Hoffman’s official cause of death is “acute mixed drug intoxication.” Based on what they found in his system, it sounds like he was speedballing it. I’m getting shades of my 6th grade teacher saying the word “SPEEDBALL” like it was the most evil word in the world while talking to us about the bad shit.
Toxicology reports show that at the time of his death, PSH had all kinds of the bad shit in his system including heroin, coke, benzodiazepines and amphetamine. Julie Bolcer, the medical examiner spokesperson, also said that his death was ruled as an accident.
Lord, may a kitten or a puppy video drop on my head right now. I’d even settle for a cute ferret video right about now. Okay, okay, I’ll settle for a damn meerkat video:
Well, this one stings. If you grew up in the 80s like I did, then a huge chunk of your childhood just broke off and floated away into the ocean of sadness to never be heard from again. Comic icon, writer, director, actor, producer and Chicago legend Harold Ramis died in Chicago this morning. He was 69. And yes, I’m sure he’s telling 69 jokes to the angels up in heaven.
Harold’s wife Erica Mann Ramis told The Chicago Tribune that he was surrounded by his family when he died early this morning from complications of an autoimmune disease. I did not know this, but Harold’s health problems started really fucking with him in 2010 after he had surgery for diverticulitis and had to learn how to walk again. He suffered a relapse a year later and never fully recovered.
I don’t have to sit here and type all of Harold’s movies, because you probably already know them all and have told your boss that you have to go home with the sads to watch Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, Groundhog Day, Stripes, Meatballs and my personal favorite Bedazzled (yes, I said Bedazzled!). If you’re 8 years old, you probably know Harold as Seth Rogen’s dad in Knocked Up. Harold recently directed a few episodes of The Office and he played Adam in Year One in 2009.
Harold Ramis is survived by his wife and his three kids.
Rest in peace, Egon. You will be missed.
The hills have the sads with the sound of weeping today, because the real Maria von Trapp (no, not the one that Carrie Underwood smeared the memory of) is now in heaven yodeling in front of the angels with her father, mother, stepmother and brothers and sisters. Maria von Trapp, the last surviving member of the real von Trapp family, died of natural causes in her sleep at her home in Stowe, Vermont on Tuesday. She was 99.
Maria von Trapp was the second oldest daughter and third child of Captain Georg von Trapp and his first wife Agathe Whitehead von Trapp. In the late 1930s, Maria and her family got the hell out of Nazi-occupied Austria and took their singing act throughout Europe and America. Sometime in the 1940s, the von Trapp family settled in Vermont and opened up a ski lodge. Maria’s stepmom, also Maria von Trapp, wrote a book about their family’s story and that book was of course turned into a musical and movie we all know. Because hos would get confused if two characters were named Maria, Maria’s name was changed to Louisa in the musical and movie. Maria von Trapp’s half-brother Johannes von Trapp had only nice things to say about her to AP:
“She was a lovely woman who was one of the few truly good people. There wasn’t a mean or miserable bone in her body. I think everyone who knew her would agree with that.”
Later in life, Maria worked as a lay missionary in Papua, New Guinea.
And Maria never said if she agreed with her family (and anybody with fully functional eyes, ears and souls) about how animatronic wooden statue Carrie Underwood is the last person on Earth who should play Maria von Trapp.
So long, farewell (I won’t type the rest), Maria von Trapp.