Category: Sadness

The Clinic Where Joan Rivers Stopped Breathing Probably Should Have Performed Her Procedure At A Hospital

September 10, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s been nearly a week since legendary comedian, spitter of hot fire, and QVC queen Joan Rivers sashayed up the red carpet to Heaven, and we’re still searching for answers as to why she was tragically taken away from us. WHY GOD, WHY??? He should have at least waited until after the Golden Globes! So far we have the Who (Joan Rivers), the When (a week ago), the Where (in a hospital room), the What (throat surgery), and now we have a possible Why.

According to the NY Daily News, when Joan checked into a Manhattan clinic two weeks ago, she was expecting doctors to perform an endoscopy, a pretty routine outpatient procedure. Unfortunately once they were in there, they discovered something not-right on her vocal cords and Joan’s personal doctor asked if he could biopsy it. However, medical experts say that a removing something from a person’s vocal cords is the kind of thing that should be performed in a hospital, not a clinic that deals primarily with digestive issues.

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Joan Rivers’s Funeral Ended Up Being The Hollywood Event She Had Wanted

September 7, 2014 / Posted by:

The funeral for comedian, life legend, and QVC vanguard Joan Rivers was held today in New York, and it was originally reported that Joan was going to be tragically denied a glamorous showbiz send-off in exchange for something more tasteful and solemn (aka BORING). But I guess Joan caught wind of this up at the plastic surgeon’s office in Heaven (her first stop after meeting Jesus and dragging him for looking like a New Testament Jared Leto) and flew back to earth to remind her daughter Melissa that you can’t spell the word ‘funeral’ without F-U-N, because it sounds like Joan’s memorial ended up being a bit more true to the spirit of Joan. »

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The Legendary Joan Rivers Has Died

September 4, 2014 / Posted by:

CANCEL AWARD SHOW SEASON FOREVER! Joan Rivers is no longer here to tell those bitches what a mess they look. Melissa Rivers announced that her mother died today at the age of 81:

“It is with great sadness that I announce the death of my mother, Joan Rivers. She passed peacefully at 1:17pm surrounded by family and close friends. My son and I would like to thank the doctors, nurses, and staff of Mount Sinai Hospital for the amazing care they provided for my mother. Cooper and I have found ourselves humbled by the outpouring of love, support, and prayers we have received from around the world. They have been heard and appreciated. My mother’s greatest joy in life was to make people laugh. Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon.”

Joan Rivers was pretty much fine up until last week when she stopped breathing and went into cardiac arrest during a simple endoscopic procedure at a clinic in Manhattan. Doctors put Joan in a medically-induced coma before putting her on life support. Recently, Melissa moved her out of ICU and into a private room so she could be with her family and friends as she made her way to the afterworld and prayed she wouldn’t have to share a room with Elizabeth Taylor and a microwave.

Joan’s decades-long career started in the 1950s when she played Barbra Streisand’s lesbian lover in a short play called Driftwood. Joan thought she was going to be a theater actress, but that shit changed when she started doing stand-up in the 60s. Joan got her big break when she was on The Tonight Show and Johnny Carson told her how funny she was. Joan was on The Tonight Show regularly and filled in for him many times. Their friendship was flushed down the toilet years later when she hosted a late-night show on FOX. Joan was still hustling and working up until her death. She was the host of Fashion Police, hosted her own online show In Bed With Joan and still her had line for QVC. May a QVC crystal never shimmer again. Many didn’t agree with a lot of the stuff that Joan said, but she was a trailblazer, a pioneer, a legendary comedian and she never gave one fuck.

Rest in peace, Dot Matrix. May your heaven be a place where the angels always look busted so you can make fun of them for the rest of eternity.

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Joan Rivers Is Currently On Life Support

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I figured if there was any time to post a gorgeous picture of Joan Rivers serving up stunning 80s pink taffeta realness with the most glamorous creature in the universe, Miss Piggy, it was now. On Thursday night, Melissa Rivers released a statement regarding the status of her mother’s condition after Joan’s heart stopped working during a procedure at a clinic, saying that Joan was in resting comfortably in a coma (which made me hopeful, because if daytime TV has taught me anything, it’s that people wake up from comas all the time).

But today TMZ is bringing us the shitty news that Joan Rivers has been put on life support, and that her family will have the next couple days to decide when to turn the machines off. TMZ says that Joan’s family is hopeful that an angel dressed like Loretta Castorini will descend from Heaven and tell her to snap out of it, and the NY Daily News says she’s surrounded by her family at this time.

I was under the impression that Joan would out-live us all (considering she’s had considerable upgrades done in the past 20 or so years) so I don’t know what to think. I definitely don’t want to think about her being escorted up to Heaven by the ghost of Spike, and I DEFINITELY don’t want to think about poor Melissa having to make the decision to pull the plug on her own mother (too sad). But I suppose if sad shit is mean to happen, at least Joan herself can tell me everything is going to be OK (skip to the 23:27 mark and get your finest Joan Rivers for QVC scarf ready to dab at your eyes):

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Joan Rivers Stopped Breathing And Maybe Went Into Cardiac Arrest During Surgery This Morning (UPDATE)

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

According to TMZ, 81-year-old comedian and life legend Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning during a throat procedure at a clinic in New York. Joan was having some shit done to her vocal cords when she stopped breathing and was rushed to Mount Sinai. TMZ says that shortly before 10:00am, an emergency call was placed to 911 saying that someone (Joan) was in either cardiac or respiratory arrest. Other than that, the only thing we know is that her daughter Melissa is on her way to the hospital.

No! Not Joan! The walls in my house aren’t long enough for the slow wall slide of sadness I need to do right now, so I’m dropping to the floor and doing the slow floor slide of sadness all the way down my hallway. I don’t care if I get splinters in my ass! Joan is worth it! It might also be worth it if you have a fancy memaw in your life to ask if she has any jewelery from the Joan Rivers for HSN collection that you could borrow (trust me, she does; all fancy memaws do) and form a prayer circle using the most exquisite pieces. Joan’s timeless joo-rey can fix anything.

UPDATE: The NYPD have said that at one point Joan’s heart stopped beating, and that she is currently in critical condition.

UPDATE #2: E! has confirmed that Joanie’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable:

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Billy Crystal Paid Tribute To Robin Williams At The Emmys Last Night

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

This year was a tough year for the “In Memoriam” segment of the Emmys; it was like an all-you-can-weep sadness buffet. Some of television’s best flew up to TV heaven this year: Alice from The Brady Bunch. Don Pardo. Meshach Taylor!!! But of course, the most time was dedicated to Robin Williams, and he was given a really sweet eulogy by Billy Crystal, followed by a couple of clips from various appearances on TV. Billy also told a story about the time he, Whoopi, and Robin were at Shea stadium for Comic Relief day and he asked Robin – who knew nothing about baseball – what his favorite baseball team was, and he answered “The San Franciscos”. Everybody in the audience laughed like “LOL classic Robin“, but I’m with Robin Williams – is The San Franciscos the wrong answer? The San Franciscos sounds right to me.

But the cutest tribute of the night goes to Jimmy Kimmel, who wore rainbow suspenders under his tuxedo in honor of Mork from Ork. Oh god, did it just get dusty with onions in here or something?? Pass me the Kleenex, my eyes are watering.

SNL Announcer Don Pardo Has Died At The Age Of 96

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, this one is bound to hit you straight in the feels if you’re the type of person who can’t read a name like “Andy Samberg” without immediately hearing a booming voice in your head say “aaaaan-DEEEEE SAAAAM-buuuurg.” According to The Hollywood Reporter, an NBC spokesperson has confirmed that legendary Saturday Night Live announcer Don Pardo has flown up to heaven at the age of 96. No! I mean….nnnoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooo!

Don was the voice of SNL since it premiered in 1975 and only missed one season (1981-82), but he lent his voice to a million other NBC programs before that. Don started working for NBC in 1944 when it was still on radio, then moved to television when that was invented. Don Pardo was the original voice of The Price is Right, the announcer for game shows Three on a Match, Winning Streak, and Jackpot!, and was the original voice of Jeopardy!, which he parodied in “Weird Al” Yankovic’s “I Lost on Jeopardy“. He tried to retire once in 2004, but SNL wouldn’t let him go and would fly him from his home in Arizona to New York once a week. Eventually he started recording from home, because fuck you Lorne Michaels, Don Pardo doesn’t want to get out of his sweatpants and slippers.

Damn, this one hits me hard because I seriously say everything in Don Pardo’s voice. I’ve caught myself in the grocery store reading cereal boxes like Don Pardo (“hhhhon-EEEEE NUT CHEEEER-iiii-oooos”). He could make anything sound extremely important.

And this would be the part where I say “Rest in peace, Don Pardo”, but you know that’s not going to happen. I bet the second he got to heaven, God pulled him aside, handed him a mic and a set of earphones, and put him to work announcing everyone’s names as they arrive at the pearly gates.

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Robin Williams’ Wife Issues Another Statement, Says He Had Early Stages Parkinson’s

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Robin Williams’ widow Susan Schneider pulled off another layer of sad today when she issued a statement saying that on top of depression and addiction, Robin was diagnosed with early stages Parkinson’s Disease. There’s been plenty of rumors going around including one that claimed Robin got back on the booze bottle before committing suicide. But Susan says that he was sober until the end.

“Robin spent so much of his life helping others. Whether he was entertaining millions on stage, film or television, our troops on the frontlines, or comforting a sick child — Robin wanted us to laugh and to feel less afraid.

Since his passing, all of us who loved Robin have found some solace in the tremendous outpouring of affection and admiration for him from the millions of people whose lives he touched. His greatest legacy, besides his three children, is the joy and happiness he offered to others, particularly to those fighting personal battles.

Robin’s sobriety was intact and he was brave as he struggled with his own battles of depression, anxiety as well as early stages of Parkinson’s Disease, which he was not yet ready to share publicly.

It is our hope in the wake of Robin’s tragic passing, that others will find the strength to seek the care and support they need to treat whatever battles they are facing so they may feel less afraid.”

What would’ve really wrapped up that statement in the most eloquent way is if Susan ended it by saying, “And suck a shit-stained dick, Rush and Shep.

Pic: NY Mag

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Robin Williams’ Daughter Decided To Quit Twitter Because (You Guessed It) Trolls

August 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Robin Williams’ daughter Zelda made us all hurt a little bit less after hearing about the death of her father by hopping on the internet and offering up a metaphorical group hug in the form of a touching quote from The Little Prince. And ever since then, we collectively decided as a society that for the next week, we would only be sharing heartwarming tributes in honor of Robin Williams (like that picture of the Genie hugging Aladdin that keeps making me reach for the Kleenex). It should be a classified felony to throw beyond-the-grave shade at the man who gave us Mrs. Doubtfire.

Unfortunately, there are some assholes out there who clearly want a first-class ticket to Hell, because they started trolling Zelda’s social media accounts and posting rude awful shit about her father’s death, like a fake picture of his dead body. Stay classy, humanity. Even Satan is like “Are you serious??” After tweeting then deleting a message about how upset she was to receive something so awful, Zelda posted the following message on Twitter late last night (via UsWeekly, Mirror UK) announcing that she was quitting this bitch:

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She also said “Bye Felicia!” to Instagram by posting a picture of a butterfly and the following message explaining why she was leaving: »

Lauren Bacall Has Died

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, tonight the angels up in heaven are going to get a live performance of Key Largo starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. Because TMZ says that Lauren Bacall (born name: Betty Joan Perske) has followed Robin Williams up to heaven. The world is a duller place every time a piece of the Golden Age of Hollywood dies.

A family member tells TMZ that Lauren had a major stroke at her home this morning. She was 89.

Wikipedia says that Lauren started out as a model and she didn’t even try to get into Hollywood. Hollywood came to her. When the wife of director Howard Hawks saw her in Vogue, she showed the picture to her husband. Howard brought Lauren to Hollywood and immediately signed her to a 7-picture deal. Lauren’s first movie ever was To Have And Have Not which started her legendary relationship with Humphrey Bogart. Bogey and Bacall got together during filming even though his ass was married. Lauren went on to make Key Largo, The Big Sleep and Dark Passage with him. In the 50s, she starred in one of my favorite movies ever, the gold digging tutorial and inspirational masterpiece How To Marry A Millionaire.

Throughout her 70 year career, Lauren was in Harper, Murder on the Orient Express, Misery, Pret-A-Porter, The Mirror Has Two Faces, Dogville and a bunch of other movies I’m sure I’m missing but you’ll remind me by screaming, “Don’t forget Diamonds, bitch!” On Broadway, Lauren starred in Applause and Woman of the Year. She won Tonys for both.

She was married to Humphrey Bogart until his death in 1957. They had two kids together. She married Jason Robards in 1961 and divorced him 8 years later. They had one kid together.

Rest in peace, Lauren Bacall. Nobody knew how to emote glamour while throwing a side-eye and giving angles like you did.

Speaking of glamour, here’s Lauren in 1987 delivering massive amounts of glamour while hosting a Best Costume Design fashion show extravaganza at the Oscars. This is back when the Oscars was actually glamorous and entertaining.

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