Category: Sadness

SNL Announcer Don Pardo Has Died At The Age Of 96

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, this one is bound to hit you straight in the feels if you’re the type of person who can’t read a name like “Andy Samberg” without immediately hearing a booming voice in your head say “aaaaan-DEEEEE SAAAAM-buuuurg.” According to The Hollywood Reporter, an NBC spokesperson has confirmed that legendary Saturday Night Live announcer Don Pardo has flown up to heaven at the age of 96. No! I mean….nnnoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooo!

Don was the voice of SNL since it premiered in 1975 and only missed one season (1981-82), but he lent his voice to a million other NBC programs before that. Don started working for NBC in 1944 when it was still on radio, then moved to television when that was invented. Don Pardo was the original voice of The Price is Right, the announcer for game shows Three on a Match, Winning Streak, and Jackpot!, and was the original voice of Jeopardy!, which he parodied in “Weird Al” Yankovic’s “I Lost on Jeopardy“. He tried to retire once in 2004, but SNL wouldn’t let him go and would fly him from his home in Arizona to New York once a week. Eventually he started recording from home, because fuck you Lorne Michaels, Don Pardo doesn’t want to get out of his sweatpants and slippers.

Damn, this one hits me hard because I seriously say everything in Don Pardo’s voice. I’ve caught myself in the grocery store reading cereal boxes like Don Pardo (“hhhhon-EEEEE NUT CHEEEER-iiii-oooos”). He could make anything sound extremely important.

And this would be the part where I say “Rest in peace, Don Pardo”, but you know that’s not going to happen. I bet the second he got to heaven, God pulled him aside, handed him a mic and a set of earphones, and put him to work announcing everyone’s names as they arrive at the pearly gates.

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Robin Williams’ Wife Issues Another Statement, Says He Had Early Stages Parkinson’s

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Robin Williams’ widow Susan Schneider pulled off another layer of sad today when she issued a statement saying that on top of depression and addiction, Robin was diagnosed with early stages Parkinson’s Disease. There’s been plenty of rumors going around including one that claimed Robin got back on the booze bottle before committing suicide. But Susan says that he was sober until the end.

“Robin spent so much of his life helping others. Whether he was entertaining millions on stage, film or television, our troops on the frontlines, or comforting a sick child — Robin wanted us to laugh and to feel less afraid.

Since his passing, all of us who loved Robin have found some solace in the tremendous outpouring of affection and admiration for him from the millions of people whose lives he touched. His greatest legacy, besides his three children, is the joy and happiness he offered to others, particularly to those fighting personal battles.

Robin’s sobriety was intact and he was brave as he struggled with his own battles of depression, anxiety as well as early stages of Parkinson’s Disease, which he was not yet ready to share publicly.

It is our hope in the wake of Robin’s tragic passing, that others will find the strength to seek the care and support they need to treat whatever battles they are facing so they may feel less afraid.”

What would’ve really wrapped up that statement in the most eloquent way is if Susan ended it by saying, “And suck a shit-stained dick, Rush and Shep.

Pic: NY Mag

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Robin Williams’ Daughter Decided To Quit Twitter Because (You Guessed It) Trolls

August 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Robin Williams’ daughter Zelda made us all hurt a little bit less after hearing about the death of her father by hopping on the internet and offering up a metaphorical group hug in the form of a touching quote from The Little Prince. And ever since then, we collectively decided as a society that for the next week, we would only be sharing heartwarming tributes in honor of Robin Williams (like that picture of the Genie hugging Aladdin that keeps making me reach for the Kleenex). It should be a classified felony to throw beyond-the-grave shade at the man who gave us Mrs. Doubtfire.

Unfortunately, there are some assholes out there who clearly want a first-class ticket to Hell, because they started trolling Zelda’s social media accounts and posting rude awful shit about her father’s death, like a fake picture of his dead body. Stay classy, humanity. Even Satan is like “Are you serious??” After tweeting then deleting a message about how upset she was to receive something so awful, Zelda posted the following message on Twitter late last night (via UsWeekly, Mirror UK) announcing that she was quitting this bitch:

Screen Shot 2014-08-13 at 9.50.27 AM

She also said “Bye Felicia!” to Instagram by posting a picture of a butterfly and the following message explaining why she was leaving: »

Lauren Bacall Has Died

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, tonight the angels up in heaven are going to get a live performance of Key Largo starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. Because TMZ says that Lauren Bacall (born name: Betty Joan Perske) has followed Robin Williams up to heaven. The world is a duller place every time a piece of the Golden Age of Hollywood dies.

A family member tells TMZ that Lauren had a major stroke at her home this morning. She was 89.

Wikipedia says that Lauren started out as a model and she didn’t even try to get into Hollywood. Hollywood came to her. When the wife of director Howard Hawks saw her in Vogue, she showed the picture to her husband. Howard brought Lauren to Hollywood and immediately signed her to a 7-picture deal. Lauren’s first movie ever was To Have And Have Not which started her legendary relationship with Humphrey Bogart. Bogey and Bacall got together during filming even though his ass was married. Lauren went on to make Key Largo, The Big Sleep and Dark Passage with him. In the 50s, she starred in one of my favorite movies ever, the gold digging tutorial and inspirational masterpiece How To Marry A Millionaire.

Throughout her 70 year career, Lauren was in Harper, Murder on the Orient Express, Misery, Pret-A-Porter, The Mirror Has Two Faces, Dogville and a bunch of other movies I’m sure I’m missing but you’ll remind me by screaming, “Don’t forget Diamonds, bitch!” On Broadway, Lauren starred in Applause and Woman of the Year. She won Tonys for both.

She was married to Humphrey Bogart until his death in 1957. They had two kids together. She married Jason Robards in 1961 and divorced him 8 years later. They had one kid together.

Rest in peace, Lauren Bacall. Nobody knew how to emote glamour while throwing a side-eye and giving angles like you did.

Speaking of glamour, here’s Lauren in 1987 delivering massive amounts of glamour while hosting a Best Costume Design fashion show extravaganza at the Oscars. This is back when the Oscars was actually glamorous and entertaining.

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Robin Williams’ Cause Of Death Revealed

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Lt. Keith Boyd, the assistant chief deputy coroner for Marin County, CA held a press conference today where he said what Robin Williams died of and what they found at the scene. If you haven’t seen the press conference or read about it already, grab a cat to hug. Actually, don’t grab a cat. That bitch will hiss at you and scratch at your eyelid. Grab a puppy. If you don’t have a puppy around, you should get one immediately, because you should always have a puppy around for occasions just like this.

Lt. Boyd said that Robin’s assistant found him hanging in the bedroom of his home in Tiburon, CA on Monday morning. Robin’s wife Susan Schneider saw him the night before at around 10:30pm and when she left the house Monday morning to run errands, she thought he was still asleep in his room. After Susan left, his assistant went to his house and knocked on his bedroom door several times. When he didn’t answer, she broke down the door and found him. Lt. Boyd got detailed. He said that Robin was in a “slightly suspended in a seated position” and there was a belt around his neck. Police found some “acute superficial” cuts on his wrists. A pocket knife with dried blood on it was found near his body. They’re testing it to see if the blood on the knife was Robin’s.

Lt. Boyd wouldn’t say if Robin left a suicide note, but TMZ heard from a police source that there was no note. The autopsy on Robin’s body is done, but they won’t have the toxicology results for another 2 to 6 weeks.

Well, all of that is really fucking awful. And after that triple punch to the eyes, here’s a gentle furry kiss in the form of a video of Robin spending time with Koko the Gorilla. It might soothe sting a little.

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Robin Williams’ Final Instagram Update And Other Things That’ll Make You Say, “Why Is It So Dusty In This Room?”

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Good Morning, Vietnam (said with a sad face).  Actually, I don’t think Vietnam or anybody got out of bed this morning, because what’s the point?

Shortly after Robin Williams reunited with Orson, the tributes filled Twitter and everywhere else, because who didn’t love Robin Williams? Robin Williams is like glitter, everyone loves glitter and everyone loves Robin Williams. (If you’re raising your hand to say that you don’t love glitter, please stay seated and lower your hand. Your opinion doesn’t count since you’re obviously empty inside.) I usually hate it when the media points out the last thing that a celebrity posted on Instagram before their death, but Robin William last post was a bittersweet one. Robin posted a vintage picture of him and his daughter Zelda Williams on her 25th birthday. Zelda tweeted a tribute to her dad last night. This morning, we all work in the middle of an onion cutting factory.

zeldawilliams

During a taping of Conan, the news of Robin’s death hit and Conan, who looked like he was on the verge of letting out all the tears, Andy Richter and his guest, Tan Dad, took a moment to say a few touching words:

President Obama released a statement and Sarah Michelle Gellar, who worked with Robin on The Crazy Ones, called him the father she “always dreamed of having.” And Robin’s Mrs. Doubtfire wife, Sally Field, said this:

“I feel stunned and so sad about Robin. I’m sad for the world of comedy. And so very sad for his family. And I’m sad for Robin. He always lit up when he was able to make people laugh, and he made them laugh his whole life long…. tirelessly. He was one of a kind. There will not be another. Please God, let him now rest in peace.”

M’Lynn always says it best.

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Robin Williams Has Died

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

There’s really no reason to smile anymore, because Robin Williams has died. Robin was 63. His body was found today at his home in Tiburon, CA  and the police believe he committed suicide by asphyxiating himself to death. Robin recently spent time in rehab for a sober tune-up of sorts. The Marin County Sheriff’s Department released this statement:

On August 11, 2014, at approximately 11:55 a.m, Marin County Communications received a 9-1-1 telephone call reporting a male adult had been located unconscious and not breathing inside his residence in unincorporated Tiburon, CA. The Sheriff’s Office, as well as the Tiburon Fire Department and Southern Marin Fire Protection District were dispatched to the incident with emergency personnel arriving on scene at 12:00 pm. The male subject, pronounced deceased at 12:02 pm has been identified as Robin McLaurin Williams, a 63-year-old resident of unincorporated Tiburon, CA.

An investigation into the cause, manner, and circumstances of the death is currently underway by the Investigations and Coroner Division s of the Sheriff’s Office. Preliminary information developed during the investigation indicates Mr. Williams was last seen alive at his residence, where he resides with his wife, at approximately 10:00 pm on August 10, 2014. Mr. Williams was located this morning shortly before the 9-1-1 call was placed to Marin County Communications. At this time, the Sheriff’s Office Coroner Division suspects the death to be a suicide due to asphyxia, but a comprehensive investigation must be completed before a final determination is made. A forensic examination is currently scheduled for August 12, 2014 with subsequent toxicology testing to be conducted.

Robin’s wife of 3 years Susan Schneider confirmed his death in a statement to The Hollywood Reporter:

“This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken. On behalf of Robin’s family, we are asking for privacy during our time of profound grief. As he is remembered, it is our hope the focus will not be on Robin’s death, but on the countless moments of joy and laughter he gave to millions.”

Well, this one felt like a kick straight to the soft part of my soul and I didn’t even know I had a soul. When I first saw this on Twitter, I thought it was a hoax and figured Robin would shoot it down by tweeting a picture of him holding an iPad with today’s date on it. (I was going to say newspaper, but who read that shit?) I don’t even know what to say. The world is a less funny and fun place without Mork, Mrs. Doubtfire, Rainbow Randolph, the Genie, Popeye, T.S. Garp, John Keating, Peter Pan, Patch Adams and Armand Goldman in it.

Rest in peace, Robin, you furry angel.

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Michael Johns Of American Idol 7 Has Died At The Age of 35

August 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Michael Johns, who was a finalist on the 7th season of American Idol in 2008, died on Friday. He was only 35. After a few reports of his death came out today, the administrator of his website confirmed the sad, tragic and fucked up news on Twitter:

“It is with a heavy heart and inconsolable sadness that we confirm the passing of our friend Michael Johns. No other details will b avail at [this time].”

People says that Michael died from a blood clot in his ankle. TMZ says that Michael twisted his ankle recently and complained about the pain. TMZ doesn’t know if he got medical attention after screwing up his ankle, but the injury probably set off the blood clot. Michael Johns leaves behind his wife of 7 years Stacey Vuduris.

Back when American Idol was still watchable and wasn’t the total mess it is today, Australian-born Michael Johns was a finalist. Michael Johns was on the same season as Adore Delano (born name: Danny Noriega) and the arch rival (in my head) and the thorn in my ears Kristy Lee Cook . Michael Johns was one of my favorites and like most of my favorites, he was eliminated way too early. He was the 5th finalist kicked off and he was kicked off before Kristy Lee Cook (ILLEGAL!). After Idol, Michael Johns continued to make music and he released an EP called Love & Sex two years ago.

Rest in peace, Michael Johns.

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James Garner Has Died

July 20, 2014 / Posted by:

“Daaaaaaamn, James Garner was hot as fuck!” – me 5 minutes ago while looking for pictures of James Garner

James Garner (born name: James Scott Bumgarner), the velvety-voiced, square-jawed star of Maverick and The Rockford Files flew off to heaven last night after dying at his home in Los Angeles. James Garner was 86. He died of natural causes. The Los Angeles Times says that James was in a bad way ever since he suffered a stroke in 2008.

James was born in Oklahoma and when he was 16, he joined the Marines. James later joined the National Guard and while fighting in Korea, he got shot in the ass by friendly fire and got wounded in the face (NOT THAT PRETTY-FUL FACE!!) from sharpnel fire. He got two Purple Hearts. After leaving The National Guard, he took a non-speaking role in the Broadway play in The Caine Mutiny Martial starring Henry Fonda. That led to TV commercials and TV roles. After acting in a few movies and TV shows, he got his big break playing Bret Maverick in Maverick. James Garner played Maverick for 3 years and it turned him into a star. In the 60s, he was in a million movies like The Thrill Of It All, The Americanization of Emily, The Children’s Hour and The Great Escape.

In 1974, James starred in the TV show that my abuelita religiously watched in the 80s when one of her Spanish channels played the dubbed version. The Rockford Files lasted until 1980 and he won an Emmy for it. In the 80s, he got an Oscar nomination for Murphy’s Romance and co-starred in the greatest Julie Andrews movie of all-time and forever Victor/Victoria.

You uneducated young whores out there who don’t know what The Rockford Files or Maverick or Victor/Victoria is, are probably looking at James Garner and saying, “That’s old Ryan Gosling from The Notebook and the grandpa from 8 Simple Rules!” For Shame.

And now I leave you with this priceless James Garner quote:

[Asked if he would ever do a nude scene] “I don’t do horror films.”

Rest in peace, James Garner. You are now in heaven, using your charm to sell Polaroid cameras to the angels:

Here’s more of James Garner’s hotness throughout the years:

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Broadway Legend And Honorary Member Of “Not The One” Club, Elaine Stritch, Has Died

July 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Fuck that “dim the lights” shit. Break all the light bulbs on Broadway and shut the power all the way off, because Elaine Stritch has died!

The New York Times says that the legendary Broadway icon whose filter was permanently set to off and would always give hos several pieces of her mind died at her home in Birmingham, Michigan today. Elaine was 89. No other details were given.

Elaine moved back to the place where she grew up, Michigan, last year after living in Manhattan for most of her life. Elaine made her Broadway in 1946 and during her 60+ years on the stage, she was in Bus Stop (she got a Tony nom for that), Call Me Madam, Pal Joey, Show Boat and A Delicate Balance (she also got a Tony nom for that). Elaine Stritch was considered one of Stephen Sondheim’s muses and she created the role of Joanne in Company (which she also got a Tony nom for). Elaine’s one-woman show Elaine Stritch at Liberty won a Tony for Best Special Theatrical Event in 2002. Her last appearance on Broadway was in 2011 when she and Bernadette Peters starred together in A Little Night Music.

Non-theater queens  probably know Elaine Stritch best as Colleen Donaghy on 30 Rock. She got approximately 1 million Emmy nominations for 30 Rock and she won once. One of my favorite Elaine Stritch stories was the one she told in her one-woman show about the time she auditioned for Dorothy in the Golden Girls and totally blew her audition when she offended the writer by throwing the “fuck” word into the dialogue she was given. And speaking of Elaine spitting out the “fuck” word, when she was on the Today show earlier this year, the morning buzz nearly jumped out of Kathie Lee’s body when Elaine dropped the “fuck” word. One of the many reasons to love Elaine Stritch is that she loved the “fuck” word and loved throwing it around.

This one hurts, because I thought Elaine Stritch would live forever. Here’s to that crusty, old broad! I’ll drink to that!

Rest in peace, Elaine Stritch. Hopefully her family buries her in her favorite fur hat and hopefully they also bury her with a grenade for the grave robbers.

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