I suspect that the events of November 8, 2016 sent a lot of us running for the nearest bar. Some sheltered in place under their couches, while others were sent running for the couch at their therapist’s office. No matter your politics, that day was a doozy and it had a lot of us shook. James Franco, America’s busiest beaver, had himself a good old fashioned “come to Jesus” moment.
This is like the time I blocked Rob’s bestie Adam Sandler, but then unblocked him so I could meet Rob’s daughter Elle King.
Vaguely familiar comedian (and Trump supporter) Rob Schneider blocked Seth Rogen on Twitter. What? Why? Oddly enough, an early-rising and/or bored Seth went looking for whether or not Rob followed him on Twitter yesterday morning. Had the script for Green Hornet 2 not arrived yet?
Last month, we all found out that the greatest cinematic genius of our time James Franco wet farted up a wave of pure sloppy HIGH ART all over the piece of trash classic Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? by turning it into a lesbian vampire movie. Well, now here’s the trailer and it’ll make you ask yourself the question, “Michael, may I slap you for posting this butchery?” But after spending a huge chunk of my day reading and writing about the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp situation, this trailer is a breath of fresh foolery.
As we know, Tori Spelling plays the mom in this one, and the psychotic, murdering boyfriend play by Ivan Sergei has been replaced with a psychotic, murdering vampire girlfriend. James Franco directed and James Iha of Smashing Pumpkins did the score. This trailer looks like something from the mind of a first year community college film student who believes they’re the next Dario Argento. (“So you mean it looks like something from the mind of James Franco?” – you)
And I bet that there’s a major PLOT TWIST at the end. We find out that the real danger to the girl isn’t her vampire girlfriend, it’s her mom who is really Billy the Puppet in a blond wig.
“I’m going to be honest here, I have no idea what I’m fucking doing right now.” – Master auteur James Franco in that picture, obviously.
When it was announced that history’s greatest visionary (sorry, Kanye) was going to write and executive produce a remake of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? for Lifetime, we all knew that it was going to be more artistic than everything under the roof of the Louvre combined. James Franco hasn’t disappointed. The original was about a girl (played by thirst queen Tori Spelling) whose mother thinks something is off about the hot dude (played by Ivan Sergei) she’s dating. Mother was right, because dude turns out to be a crazed murderer. Vulture says that James Franco has taken that plot and has injected it with equals parts Twatlight and Nickelodeon’s reboot of The Hunger.
Lifetime is calling the new Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? a “vampire love story.” Vulture has the rest of the messy details:
Per Lifetime’s description of the 2016 Mother, the film now has college-age theater major Leah surprising her mom Julie with a new love interest— a woman named Pearl. “Julie tries to embrace the idea of Leah’s new love interest, but she can’t shake the feeling that something is very wrong,” Lifetime’s official log line for the movie reads. “Julie’s suspicions lead to a startling discovery about Pearl that puts Leah in serious danger. Will Julie be able to save her daughter from an eternity of heartache before it’s too late?”
As we already know, Tori Spelling is playing the mom and Leila George (the daughter of Vincent D’Onofrio and Greta Scacchi) is playing Leah. James Franco and Ivan Sergei are also in it. Production has already wrapped. It airs on June 18th.
This sounds like a wreck and I’m into wrecks, but has James Franco even seen a Lifetime movie, because this sounds nothing like a Lifetime movie. Unless Meredith Baxter plays the lesbian vampire’s maker, this ain’t a Lifetime movie. But seriously, I expect this mess to be no more than 25 minutes long. Because when Leah brings her vampire lesbian girlfriend home, Tori Spelling is going to moan about how Dean McDermott is such a cheating asshole and they’re so broke, and that vampire lesbian girlfriend is going to have no choice but to stake herself in the heart.
Today In “Because Of Course,” James Franco Will Direct A Movie Version Of That Twitter Stripper Saga
If you were on the Internet at least once last October, you most likely filled your brain with the 148-tweet saga of Hooters girl/stripper Zola (real name: Aziah Wells) who went on a ho trip to Florida that ended in pimp-on-pimp murder. Zola’s Florida tale of ho’ing gone wrong went so damn wide that not too long ago I saw someone at a restaurant wearing a “HOEISM” t-shirt. Before everyone read Zola’s ho shit saga in October, she tweeted the story twice but deleted it. She wanted it to get more attention so she tweeted it a third time in October, and added some fake shit for dramatic effect (the pimp shooting someone, Jarrett trying to kill himself, etc) and tried to tell it in a funny way. Bitch got her wish, because it touched a million pairs of eyeballs and now it’s being turned into a movie.
Back in November, Rolling Stone went to Detroit to meet Zola and get the real story behind the night where she and “this white bitch” Jessica went to Florida to make some extra money stripping but ended up in all sorts of fucked-up situations. (“Pfft, that sounds like a slow night in Florida,” said every trick who lives in Florida) Zola told Rolling Stone that besides the murder and suicide stuff, most of it was true. Jessica did have a crazy pimp and ended up hooking. However, Jessica told Rolling Stone that a lot of it was made up and Zola was the one who sold her pussy to johns. Rolling Stone’s article titled “Zola Tells All: The Real Story Behind The Greatest Stripper Saga Ever Tweeted” will be adapted into a movie, and of course, James Franco is directing and starring it. Deadline says that writers Andrew Neel and Mike Roberts will write the script. No word if Zola is involved at all, but she did tweet the news.
If you listen really closely, you can hear a million people screaming, “I called it,” at once, because everyone called this. Everyone with a brain who read Zola’s story just knew that James Franco was going to find away to get involved. And we all know how this is going to go. James Franco is going to play the pimp, Vanessa Hudgens is going to play Zola, Ashley Benson is going to play Jessica and they’re going to call it Spring Breakers 2: Vibing Over Hoeism.
Today In High Art: James Franco Is Producing A Remake Of “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?” For Lifetime
Douche-of-all-trades James Franco somehow found time in between being a savior to the gay community and turning the works of William Faulkner into comedy foolery to put together a remake of the TV cult classic Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? for Lifetime. James Franco truly is a saint of art, because he already gifted the world of daytime with his artistic presence and now he’s doing the same to the world of basic cable messiness.
The Hollywood Reporter says that James Franco will executive produce the redo and he also updated the story. Amber Coney is writing the script and Melanie Aitkenhead will direct. Lifetime will air it sometime next year. Oh, and Tori Spelling will play the mother whose daughter asks her if she can fuck danger.
Franco’s collaboration with Lifetime, which will help mark the original film’s 20th anniversary, comes on the heels of the network’s surprise collaboration with Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig for A Deadly Adoption earlier this year. The project, which was first reported by The Hollywood Reporter on April Fool’s Day, was made in secrecy and denied by the network several times — that is until billboards started popping up in Los Angeles two months later. The film drew more than 6 million viewers over its premiere weekend.
Up until today, I thought that MMISWD was a Lifetime movie. It wasn’t. It was supposed to be released in theaters, but when nobody wanted to distribute that turd, NBC released it as a TV-movie-of-the-week in 1996. MMISWD is kind of like a lower-budget Fear. It’s about a college chick whose boyfriend seems all nice and sweet at first but turns into a crazed stalker and possible murderer. Someone uploaded the whole thing onto YouTube if you need your daily dose of cinematic perfection today.
Why does James Franco have to ruin EVERYTHING?
MMISWD is the kind of perfect piece of shit that doesn’t need to be touched. It was perfect, because Tori Spelling thought she was giving a Meryl Streep-level performance and she looked like Mac from Mac and Me in a Hillary Clinton circa 1997 wig. The only way I’ll be okay with this is if James Franco plays the Tori Spelling role and he brings back that hot piece Ivan Sergei as the crazy boyfriend. I always thought it was weird that he found time to stalk Tori Spelling’s ass since he obviously spent at least 5 hours a day mousse-ing up his hair into a magnificent merengue of hotness.