Category: Casey Affleck

Casey Affleck Says Ben Affleck Won’t Be Playing Batman In A Solo Flick

August 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Problematic Oscar-winner Casey Affleck claims that his big brother, Maine liquor store connoisseur Ben Affleck, will not be playing a probably hungover-looking Batman in a planned DC Comics Universe solo movie. He said this during a radio appearance yesterday, here in Affleck Land – Boston! I’m not sure why Casey didn’t let me know he was in town. He IS my enemy of old and we’re due for a rematch. I’ll explain in the last paragraph. Continue reading

Summer Phoenix Has Finally Filed For Divorce From Casey Affleck

August 1, 2017 / Posted by:

Almost a year and a half after they announced they were calling it quits on their marriage of 10 years, Summer Phoenix has finally filed papers to divorce Oscar-winning (alleged) sleazeball Casey Affleck. I wonder what took her so long? Maybe she was holding off to see if they could squeeze in one more ironically too cool American Gothic-looking public appearance.

People obtained the court documents yesterday, and they say Joaquin Phoenix’s little sister has requested joint physical and legal custody of their two children, Indiana and Atticus. She has also asked for spousal support. People also adds that Casey and Summer technically split in November 2015, but held off on announcing it until last year.

People doesn’t say what Summer wrote in the section marked “reason for divorce.” The most likely option is that she went with the most standard choice of irreconcilable differences. But my drama-loving self wants to believe she wrote: “Oh, I don’t know…hmmm…whatever do you think could be the reason?

So Casey is going to be a divorced dude. On the downside, he won’t be able to live that newly divorced dad life with his brother Ben Affleck. You know, since he’s busy with his blonde rebound. On the upside, this divorce news means that Casey will finally be able to pursue his true love: Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder! Ew, not Vicki back then – that would be gross. I mean Casey could call up Ted Lawson and ask him to build an adult version of Vicki. She and Casey would make a great couple for a double-date with Casey’s BFF Joaquin. The boys could talk about the good ol’ disgusting times, and Vicki and Rooney Mara could gossip about robot stuff.


Rooney Mara Didn’t Have Pie Until She Was 31 (!?!)

July 8, 2017 / Posted by:

Learning that someone never had pie until they were fully into adulthood inspires the same reaction as when someone tells you they’ve never seen a Star Wars movie. They receive an outraged look and a befuddled “really bitch?!?” This comparison might not make sense to you if you’re not a huge dork like me. So, yeah, Nosferatu-esque actress Rooney Mara claims she didn’t have pie until she was a grown-ass woman. I’d arrest the parents.

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Brie Larson Not Clapping For Casey Affleck Meant Exactly What You Thought It Meant

March 9, 2017 / Posted by:

Brie Larson won a lot of Best Actress awards last year for Room, so this year she got the job of presenting Best Actor at a few award shows. Casey Affleck won many Best Actor awards this year. Brie had to say Casey’s name twice and when she did, she did it with the least amount of enthusiasm as possible. I’ve seen STD results delivered with more oomph. Brie’s excitement level was set to “I’d Rather Be At The DMV On A Monday Morningwhen she handed Casey the Golden Globe, and she didn’t clap when he won the Oscar. Brie meant to do all that.

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Casey Affleck Talked About Those Sexual Harassment Allegations

March 1, 2017 / Posted by:

All throughout award season, you couldn’t hear Casey Affleck’s name without the recently-resurfaced allegations from 2010 that were brought against him by two women who worked on his fake documentary I’m Still Here. Casey later settled with them out of court.

Casey briefly talked about the allegations a couple of times including during his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes where he mentioned the “noise” his kids have to deal with. Casey finally addressed the allegations head-on. Which is funny, since I don’t know that anyone would want to literally make contact with Casey’s greasy head.

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Denzel Washington’s Face Says It All

February 27, 2017 / Posted by:

And so does the face on the guy behind Denzel Washington.

When Casey Affleck won the Best Actor Oscar last night, a huge chunk of the audience stood up for him. Mel Gibson was probably thinking to himself, “Oh, sure, I get blacklisted from Hollywood for years for hating Jews, terrorizing women and being an overall demon piece of shit and yet you stand up for Casey Affleck’s creeper ass?” Actually, Mel Gibson would never think that. Mad Mel’s not that self-aware.

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