And it’s not because Sylvester Stallone was seated across from him and had to look at his janky beard and matching stringy hair situation all night. It’s actually the opposite of that. Sylvester Stallone wanted to sit at same table as Casey Affleck at the Golden Globe awards. In fact, he and his wife Jennifer Flavin were supposed to be seated at a table that included Casey and Matt Damon. But People says that when they went to sit down during the opening number, they noticed there was only one open chair and the story took a dramatic turn.
No, that is not a screen shot of Ben Affleck making the face that his brother Casey Affleck made while jacking it to Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder. I don’t hate you that much.
Ben Affleck was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to whore out his Prohibition turd, Live By Night, and during the interview he pretended to be highly offended over his brother Casey Affleck not thanking him at the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Ben got revenge on Casey for not giving thanks to the trick who made it all possible by burping up embarrassing facts about his brother. One of those embarrassing facts about Casey included him fapping while watching Small Wonder. I blame Casey Affleck for the reason why Jamie Lawson went on to live under a bridge.
Unlike Nate Parker, the sexual harassment allegations against Casey Affleck haven’t put much of a dent in his awards show game, and there’s a 99.99999% chance that he will wrap his fingers around Oscar’s body on February 26. The only way that won’t happen is if every Academy voter gets some sense knocked into them and finds a way to give the Best Actor Oscar to Bo Bice for the riveting and raw performance he gave in a local news interview.
Oh, Nicole, Nicole, please save your Taylor Swift role-play costumes for your bedroom times with Keith Urban. Our eyes don’t need it!
“Hmmm, I don’t remember seeing a badly made Taylor Swift wax figure on the guest list,” said the organizers of the opening gala of the Palm Springs International Festival last night when Nicole Kidman walked the red carpet in one of Elle Fanning’s old dresses that her kids doodled on. That dress was made by Dior, but it looks more like something from David Bridal’s collection of wedding clothes inspired by Angelina Jolie’s doodled-on wedding dress. That whole look is giving me a Big situation. Because of that end-of-the-night prom hair and that dress from Justice, it looks like a little girl took over her body and made all of the design decisions for her. It’s a little Whatever Happened To Baby Jane goes to spring formal.
Thankfully, glamorous savior Suzanne Somers once again cleansed the red carpet of messy dreadfulness with her Ann Jillian razor cut, Wayland Flowers-approved rouge and L’eggs covered legs.
If it went with her ensemble, I’d say that Suzanne Somers should get a Medal of Honor for saving events with her sparkly glamour!
And here’s more pics from the Palm Springs International Film Festival including Natalie Portman wearing Darth Vader maternity chic and Pharrell Williams looking like the manager at a matador-themed gay club that only plays songs from the 80s.
Cue up Haddaway and prepare your panties for the dropping! The Hollywood club scene better brace itself, because I’m guessing that if Ben Affleck gets his way, the Affleck Bros. are going to own that shit when they get out of a bright yellow Corvette and strut into Bootsy Bellows in matching backless tank tops to show off their panty cream-inducing mid-life crisis tattoos. Although, Casey Affleck won’t get a phoenix tattooed onto his back, because everyone will think he’s paying homage to his estranged wife. He’ll get like a really ~rad~ and ~awesome~ dragon instead.
InTouch Weekly was first to report, and People confirms, that 40-year-old Casey Affleck has joined his older brother in The Soon-To-Be-Divorced Club. Casey and his 37-year-old wife of 10 years, Summer Phoenix, have broken up. Casey’s rep gave this statement to People:
“Casey Affleck and Summer Phoenix have amicably separated. They remain very close friends.”
Casey and Summer have two sons, 11-year-old Indiana and 8-year-old Atticus. So Casey’s publicist really dropped the generic split-up statement ball. They forgot to add, “We remain committed to co-parenting our children and ask for privacy.” Dock their pay, Casey!
Casey and Summer’s brother Joaquin Phoenix became friends while doing To Die For together. Joaquin introduced Casey to Summer in 2000 and the two got married 6 years later.
A source tells InTouch that Casey and Summer tried to make it work in counseling, but couldn’t. The source adds that Summer has a lot of “trust issues.” Yeah, trust issues. Here we go again. Summer’s alleged “trust issues” makes me think that right now, their ex-nanny is calling all of the tabloids and is trying to get a brand new drop top Lexus in exchange for a shameless tell-all interview and poolside bikini pics. But since it’s Casey and not Ben, she’ll probably have to settle for a 2008 drop top Camry Solara in exchange for 5 tell-alls and naked pics.
Casey Affleck, an actor who you may know as Ben Affleck’s brother or Jimmy’s friend Russell from To Die For (probably the second one), is currently in a movie called Triple 9. And just like every actor trying to get asses in theater seats, Casey is hustling Triple 9 on the talk show circuit. The only problem is that it appears Casey would rather clean the crotch sweat stains out of his big brother’s Batman suit than have to make small talk about his movie to Stephen Colbert.
Casey was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, and you could feel the “I don’t want to be here” vibes right away. Casey looked like a hungover supply teacher (Note from Michael: That’s “substitute teacher” to us ‘Muricans) who is counting down the seconds till he can throw on a DVD full of Heritage Minutes and take a nap in his car. Or as Stephen Colbert observed, a “street corner Jesus.” Casey didn’t like Stephen’s comments about his clothes. But Stephen kept going, because he left all his fucks in his old office at Comedy Central.
Eventually Stephen moved on from Casey’s hobo Stu Pickles cosplay, but it didn’t get any less awkward. Behold, all five minutes and fifty-four seconds of Casey Affleck’s living nightmare.
“Those bitches stole our look!” hissed David Letterman and Madonna.
Who knows if Casey’s uncomfortable laughter and over-it silences were the result of his brain telling him he’s too good for this talk show or he was high on prescription-strength Fuckitol or that it was the Triple 9 PR team’s sneaky way of getting some publicity. But there are places out there that are a lot worse for an actor than The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Like The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Casey, being called a street corner Jesus is nothing compared to the humiliation of being in one of those Ew! sketches.