Category: African Orphans

The Closest Colin Firth Will Ever Get To Hardcore Gay Porn

February 23, 2011 / Posted by:

When Colin Firth takes the stage at the Oscars this Sunday to accept the award for Best Actor for The King’s Speech, expect him to give a special thanks to the gay porn stars who helped his performance by providing him with the scent of expired cum, ass crack sweat, lube residue, burt rubber and anus tears. That’s because QueerClick (NSFW) are the only hos that actually pay attention to the scenery in gay fuck films and noticed that the Oscar-nominated set of The King’s Speech was previously used in one UK Naked Men’s movies. They were probably pinching at their peen hole when the image of Colin Firth stretching his mouth hole came on their brain and they realized…THIS IS GEOFFREY RUSH’S OFFICE!

It’s kind of like when you’re doing it with a one nighter at his apartment and suddenly notice that this isn’t the first time you’ve seen a watercolor of Karen Carpenter hanging against a blue wall. Yes, you’ve done him and this before. A case of deja whore. It’s not a good feeling for a slut, because it’s like repeating a question on a test.

Anythekingsmunch, (NSFW, the sequel) QueerClick has some amazing side-by-side comparisons of the gay den that production designer Eve Stewart chose to use as Lionel Logue’s office. Even though everyone is telling me that The King’s Speech almost matches the cinematic artistry of Showgirls, I still haven’t seen it. But I will now, just so I can count the times Colin Firth subtlety moves his head to the side to pull a rogue pube out of his mouth.

In other news, John Travolta has just signed on for the sequel to The King’s Speech!

via Towleroad

Do We Have To Start Calling Burlesque “Flopesque”?

November 28, 2010 / Posted by:

Well, according to both E! News and Box Office the answer is a surprising NO (for now)! Chertina didn’t exactly sit Harry Potter’s ass down or kick that cartoon Rapunzel trick down the spiral staircase, but Burlesque didn’t completely flop either. It brought in around $17.2 million for the 5-day weekend coming in at #4 behind Megamind, Tangled and Harry Potter. Burlesque could’ve made $17,200,012 this weekend if my ass went to see it, but I couldn’t be bothered. Not this weekend and I have a good reason for it!

The last few times I’ve been to the movies, I’ve sat behind bitches with the fattest coats imaginable. I’m talking a huge fur-lined jacket that could overheat Nanook of the North and Snow Miser. Shit that adds 20 pounds to your body and comes with a label warning you that it could give you the wrong kind of fever if worn too long. When I went to see 127 Hours (aka the movie where James Franco does water sports with himself to survive), some dumb whore in front of me spent a full 10-minutes wrapping his Stay Puft Parka around the back of his chair. When he was done, his giant hood was touching my knee. I HATE THAT RUDE SHIT! I don’t want your ugly ass hood violating my privacy! I don’t want it kissing my knee without permission! Keep your hood to yourself! Luckily, dude got the hint when I nudged his hood a bit. He tucked that shit in where it belongs. But the next time I’m not going to be so lucky…

If I went to see Burlesque in the theater, I can just imagine some grouchy old queen wrapping his satin purple parka over the back of his chair like he’s some empress. I can also imagine one of his bed bugs gracefully pirouetting off of his hood and right on to my knee. This would cause me to CAN CAN KICK up his hood so that it hit him in the back of the head. He’d turn around and throw me a cunt glare before pushing his hood back onto my knee. So I’d knee kick his hood harder this time and add a little lip smack to it. He’d huff, I’d puff and it would be lights out for all of us. I’d wake up in a court room on Monday morning with an eyeball missing, patches of hair pulled out of my head and a judge asking me to answer to the charges of attempted murder by strangulation with Red Vines. And all because of BURLESQUE! If Cher opened up her own church I’d gladly be an altar gay, but I can’t do 10-20 years in prison for her. No. I’ll Netflix Stream that shit.

Anyway, here’s how the rest of the weekend’s box office (Wed to Sun) looked:

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 – $76.3 million
2. Tangled – $69 million
3. Megamind – $17.6 million
4. Burlesque – $17.2 million
5. Unstoppable – $16.2 million
6. Love and Other Drugs – $14 million
7. Faster – $12.2 million
8. Due Date – $10.4 million
9. The Next Three Days – $6.6 million
10. Morning Glory – $5.5 million

WAIT! Jakey’s ass cheeks and Anne’s nipples only brought in $14 million?! This country…… But I can’t do 10 to 20 years in prison for Jakey’s ass cheeks either.

Sylvester Stallone’s Jerky-fied Nipples Top The Weekend Box Office

August 22, 2010 / Posted by:

Jizz is normally a major selling point when choosing which movie to see, but apparently not in this case. People would rather spend time with Bow Wow, oven roasted torsos and peen-eating piranhas than Jason Bateman’s sneaky man chowder. According to Box Office Mojo, The Switch (aka Friends: The One Where Rachel Green Romances A Turkey Baster) opened at #8 this weekend with $8.1 million. Jennifer Aniston better bury her Blackberry deep inside her stuffed Garfield collection, because Maddox’s HAHAHA text bomb campaign is going to begin any minute now.

This is the estimated top ten movies at the box office this weekend from Box Office Mojo.

1. The Expendables, $16.5 million ($5,046 per screen)
2. Vampires Suck, $12.2 million ($3,774 per screen)
3. Eat Pray Love, $12 million ($3,082 per screen)
4. Lottery Ticket, $11.1 million ($5,639 per screen)
5. The Other Guys, $10.1 million ($2,909 per screen)
6. Piranha 3D, 10 million ($4,063 per screen)
7. Nanny McPhee Returns, $8.3 million ($2,985 per screen)
8. The Switch, $8.1 million ($4,026 per screen)
9. Inception, $7.7 million ($3,188 per screen)
10. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, $5 million ($1,785 per screen)

As much as I would love to ask for one ticket to the movie that has the most sperm in it, my ass is going to go see the movie about the hongray piranha that chomps on dick for fun. No, not Salt! The other one!

Caster Semenya Will Race Again!

July 6, 2010 / Posted by:

Remember Caster Semenya? She’s the champion runner from South Africa who gave your silly ass the giggles because she has semen all over her last name? Caster is also the runner who had everyone and their cousin sticking their nostrils in her crotch, because there were rumors that she has a peen instead of a poon. Back in November, a source said that after several highly scientific tests were conducted (Note: Basically, they just compared her genitals to Khloe Kardashian’s) to determine Caster’s official gender, they discovered that she has both dude and lady parts. Specially, they said that Caster has two internal testicles. That’s two more testicles than Jon Gosselin has.

At the time, the source also said that the International Association of Athletics Federations would meet to decide whether or not Caster should be allowed to compete again. Well, there’s good news for Caster, because they have ruled that she can return to the track starting right now. They also said that Caster is a woman by their standards. Cut to Brooke Hogan giving Caster the nastiest stank eye, because she’s been waiting all her life for someone to say that about her.

Here’s the IAAF’s official statement:

“The process initiated in 2009 in the case of Caster Semenya has now been completed. The IAAF accepts the conclusion of a panel of medical experts that she can compete with immediate effect. Please note that the medical details of the case remain confidential and the IAAF will make no further comment on the matter.”

This whole thing has been such bullshit. Yes, Caster has the abs of a He-Man doll, but so does Jillian Michaels and is anybody accusing her of being a dude? Okay, bad example, let me try again. Yes, Caster has the biceps of a ripped pit bull, but so does Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta and is anybody accusing her of being a dude? Shit. Another bad example. I’m totally not helping Caster’s cause.


Show Me Your Papers!

May 5, 2010 / Posted by:

Robert Rodriguez has released a special Cinco de Mayo message to Arizona in the form of the new trailer for his movie Machete which is about bitches fucking with the wrong Mexican.

The Mexploitation film stars Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Michelle Rodriguez, Lindsay Lohan (in a fucking nun’s outfit), Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal and MiserAlba.

When the trailer gets to the part where MiserAlba tries to bring out her inner Norma Rae, do a shot of whatever is nearest to you (e.g. liquid glue, stamp fluid, Jenkem), because you’ll need it.

Source: Ain’t It Cool News via CS

But Where Was Mo’Nique?

October 5, 2009 / Posted by:

Mimi and her Hello Titty balls came out to support Precious at the New York Film Festival this past weekend, but one of the movie’s stars Mo’Nique was nowhere to be found. Yes, they even checked the Arby’s down the street. Bitch wasn’t there.

Precious is currently making the film festival rounds, and many critics think the movie will get several Oscar nominations including Best Picture, Best Actress for Gabby Sidibe (the girl in the purple below) and Best Supporting Actress for Mo’Nique. You’d think that since there’s talk of Mo’Nique possibly getting the golden Oscar dildo (you know that’s what Kevin Spacey uses his for) for this, she’d be out there whorin’ it up. But Mo’Nique has been missing from nearly every promotional event for Precious. Some say that by Mo’Nique not playing the game, she’s ruining her Oscar chances.

The New York Daily News says that Mo’Nique is refusing to pimp out the movie and her own performance for free. Mo’Nique is reportedly demanding a $100,000 appearance fee, even though the likes of Mimi and Lenny Kravitz (who are both in that shit) haven’t asked for a dime. A source said, “Mo’Nique said she signed on to do this film for a small amount of money. She said she didn’t care about ‘no Oscar’ – all that mattered was ‘those Benjamins!’ Because Oprah and Tyler Perry are backing the film, she feels as though there should be a budget to pay for her promotional duties.”

Mo’Nique responded to the claims by saying, “When people say, ‘You care more about money than winning an Oscar,’ well, what does an Oscar mean? An Oscar means more work when you win it, and that means more money! I couldn’t eat that Oscar. Everybody needs money, baby. That’s how we survive, right?

Mo’Nique is selling her eating skills short! I’m sure she could eat that thing if she wrapped it in puff pastry and poured nacho cheese sauce on top! But seriously, I can’t hate on a bitch who says “it’s all about those Benjamins.” Those are the truest words ever spoken. GIT THAT MONEY!

That being said, somebody should really tell Mo’Nique about a little service called Cash4Gold! Imagine what they’d give her for an Oscar (SPOILER ALERT: Probably two rolls of quarters and a $20 gift certificate to Fingerhut)?!

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