If you’ve ever wondered how douchey you have to be to get kicked out of Coachella. The answer is: Justin Bieber levels of douche.
Seen above making Usher jealous by getting into some kinky More Than Fifty Shades of Douche shit with fellow asshole The Difficult Brown (Note: But Usher shouldn’t be jealous, because that’s how Chris Brown greets everyone.), Justin Bieber was allegedly put in a chokehold by a Coachella security guard while trying to get backstage for Drake’s set. TMZ says that before Madge powered up her energy bars by sucking out Drake’s insides, Justin Bieber and his entourage tried to get backstage but were stopped by a security guard who denied entry to the possessed Baby Alive doll. The security guard told the Biebs that backstage was at capacity. When the Biebs and his entourage showed their VIP wristbands, the security guard still wasn’t having it and shut that bitch down for a second time.
“Witnesses” tell TMZ that the Biebs argued that he couldn’t just stand there out in the open with the peasants, because he’s way too famous for that and his “fans” would eventually bombard him. Like most bratty ass toddlers, the Biebs wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept whining about how he’s been waiting to see Drake and blah blah blah blah blah. A Coachella staffer, who obviously doesn’t like to see babies cry, took pity on the Biebs and tried to escort him backstage. But security still wasn’t about to let the Biebs through on their watch and one of them ran up behind the Biebs and put that trick in a chokehold.
The Biebs’ entourage and security got into it for a bit before Justin Bieber was deported from the United States of Douche that is Coachella. TMZ has a video of the Biebs leaving Coachella. If you’re thinking that you don’t have to take a breakfast toke because this video is going to take you higher, think again. Don’t put your bong away. This video doesn’t show anything and it’s about as blurry as White Oprah’s vision on any given day.
“Sources” say that the Biebs wasn’t kicked out. He left on his own and he’s considering suing those security guards who gave him the sads.
It sounds to me like TMZ’s story is Justin Bieber’s side, which is probably wrong. My guess is what really happened is that after the Biebs and his crew tagged a temporary wall with the words, “WILD BOYZ 4 LYFE,” they took a piss on a bush, because Port-A-Potties are for nerdz and badass gangstas like them can pee pee wherever they want, beyotch! When a security guard saw them pissing on a bush, he told them to stop and when they didn’t listen, he flinched at them, which made Justin Bieber scream like a Ross Matthews on helium and run all the way home into the arms of his mommy Scooter Braun. That’s probably what really happened and the Biebs is telling people that he wasn’t at Drake’s set because he’s too hard for Coachella.
Here’s the Coachella Menace looking extra hardcore in a toddler ponytail on Sunday night.
Pics: Getty, Splash