You’re probably like “I should I care about this trick’s belly button why?“, but this is very important and you should drop whatever it is you’re doing and pay attention for this BREAKING NEWS. Living paper doll Taylor Swift once said that your eyes will never know what her butterscotch pocket looks like, because she wanted to keep it a mystery. Naturally, I assumed it was because she didn’t actually have a belly button, and seeing her belly button-absent stomach would prove once and for all that she was born in the Mattel factory along with all the other Apple White Ever After High dolls.
But then yesterday she threw up a picture of herself on vacation in Hawaii with her current best friends, the Haim girls, to Instagram, and it looks like I was wrong. Tay Tay has an actual, human belly button. Then again, she might actually just be wearing a one-piece with a picture of a stomach printed on the front. You know, like those cover up t-shirts with a picture of a sexy bikini body on them (aka the state flower of Florida). That’s got to be it. I see you, you sneaky come-to-life doll.
And you know that Leonardo DiCaprio just looked at this picture and started panicking because he thought 4 of his 40 models took off with the S. S. Snatch Catcher’s only life boat.
During that douche bag performance (f)artist phase of Joaquin Phoenix’s career (“You’re going to have to be more specific.” – you), he looked like a dog’s hairy dingle berry that had been nibbled on by ants. Yes, I still would’ve hit it, but I would’ve ended up with a b-hole full of fleas and a mouth full of cheese. That rhymes! But after that whole stunt, the CDC and Hazmat worked together to clean Joaquin Phoenix up and bring out his hotness once again. Here he is at the premiere of Inherent Vice in Paris last night.
You know, Joaquin should really give Johnny Depp the card of the Hazmat team who cleaned him up and also let Johnny know that it’s okay to embrace the hotness. We’ll still see him as an eccentric and quirky artiste if he does. Joaquin probably looks good to my eyes because he’s working that founding fathers hair. Nothing makes your nipples stand up like a grown man in a bob. The Sexetary of Energy knows exactly what I’m talking about.
To the dude in the background thinking to himself, “I wish I had it like that,” I’m with you.
The legendary Steven Tyler stomped through LAX yesterday looking EXACTLY like Jacqueline Onassis in the 70s. Google it, bitch, and you’ll see that he is the spitting image of Jackie O. So much grace, style and carefree sophistication. I almost bitched out the photo agency for uploading old pics of Jackie O and labeling them “Steven Tyler at LAX on 1/21/15.” Steven Tyler can do whatever the fuck he wants. If he wants to wear a My Little Pony clip-on piece, my auntie’s leather duster from the 70s, one of Mr. Furley’s old blouses and your favorite bootcut jeans from 1996, he should wear it all, because he’ll wear it better. (Sorry auntie.)
And in case you didn’t know, Steven’s toes are all jacked up from years and years of performing in shoes that were too small. Steven Tyler bled for you!
I was once in a Banana Republic, or a store like that, and some dude picked up a henley and asked his mom if she liked it. She told him that those kind of shirts are supposed to be worn under something and you can’t wear it out in public, because it’s practically underwear! Well, I’d like to hear her say that again after looking at these panty cream-conjuring pictures of Chris Evans’ arms popping and his tits sitting up real nice in that henley. I bet “This Is Why I’m Hot” played in his head as he strut strut strut that ass in front of the paparazzi.
As his bottom button screamed while holding in his hard muscle tits, Chris Evans left a Mexican restaurant in Hollywood with his actress friend Lindsey McKeon. This post should really be all about Lindsey McKeon since she was in Saved By The Bell: The New Class. Apparently, Chris and Lindsey have been friends ever since doing that sitcom Opposite Sex in 2000 together. Wikipedia tells me that Lindsey got married in 2013 and is still married. I keep refreshing her page over and over again, because I expect to read, “McKeon filed for divorce on January 20, 2015.” Because nothing will make you call up a divorce lawyer and drop your wedding ring in the trash like nibbling on the end of a taquito while staring at Chris Evans’ heaving man bosoms in that top. If I was her, my eyeballs would’ve fallen out of my head from jumping around so much, because I wouldn’t know whether to focus on his chichis or arms, chichis or arms, chichis or arms.
Not pictured: Hos a third of her age being rolled away on stretchers after passing out from being so close to her ageless beauty, glamour and grace.
Every now and again, 80-year-old Sophia Loren needs to hit the red carpet to show the homely heffas and basic bitches how to properly take everyone’s breath away with her stunning looks and elegant posing skills. So Sophia showed up to the grand opening of DeRucci at Fora in Colonge, Germany last night. Sophia wore sensible black booties, which are the perfect footwear to wear when you need to drop kick hating hussies who try to dim your shine by snatching your wig off. I bet Sophia is used to jealous whores trying to tug at her wig, so she’s got a set of Russian Nesting Wigs on her head. When you pull one off, a smaller one is underneath and if you keep pulling you’ll get to hot a pixie cut wig, which she’ll wear while she steals your man and seduces your boss into firing you.
Sophia’s wig is truly glorious. The top of her head looks like the magical wonderland where old Annie wigs go to LIVE. The sun will come out tomorrow but only to peek at Sophia’s gorgeousness. And no, I cannot forget her loaded lip liner game.
And here I was thinking that today was going to be slower than Kourtney Kardashian’s thought process because it’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I thought wrong. The news story of the month, if not year, popped up on my feed this afternoon. I’m sure Anderson Cooper and all the other serious journalists are on a plane to Wales to cover this important event in religion.
The other day, Jesus probably wondered where he should show up next. His disciples suggested a banana, to which he said, “So 2009!” Another suggested a dog’s ass. God’s son has already been there, butt it gave him an idea. Why not show up on a dog’s wet ear while it’s getting washed since most dogs think to themselves, “Jesus help me,” as they’re getting bathed. So he did just that. Rachel Evans of Swansea in south Wales tells Metro UK that she was giving her Yorkie, Dave, a bath when she noticed a holy figure in his ear. She stared at it a while before she ran to get her boyfriend.
“About an hour later I showed my partner and he said ‘can you see that face?’ We looked a bit closer and realised it looked like Jesus. It’s a bit strange.”
If you ever want the public to know that you’ve done a whole lot of acid and it’s fucked with your brain and all your senses, tell the media that you saw the face of Jesus in your dog’s ear while bathing him. No, I’m just joking. This is obviously the face of HAYSOOS!
Seriously, though, Rachel named her Yorkie Dave so she can’t be that crazy, but I have to disagree with her on this. That so isn’t the face of Jesus. That’s obviously Michael Jackson with a Bieber wig on. Anybody can see that.
Amber Rose is currently in Miami for…uh…a work thing (???), and yesterday she posted a few totally candid, completely classy pictures of herself in a moment of quiet reflection while hanging out half-naked on her hotel balcony to Instagram. I’m sure you’re like “Excuse you, you prude-ass bitch, but two yards of black string and a body chain is complete outfit“, and you’d be right, if it weren’t for the fact that we can’t see whether or not she’s also wearing a smile. You’re never fully dressed without a smile.
And the subtle elegance and good taste didn’t end at seeing several filtered-to-Hell pictures of Amber’s trussed-up GMO-injected Thanksgiving turkey of an ass. Amber also added a layer of class by captioning her pictures with the words Fleekin’, Milfin’, Slayin’, and Stifler’s Mom. How dare you, Amber Rose! There is one and ONLY one Stifler’s Mom, and it’s squinty-eyed goddess Jennifer Coolidge. You can be Stifler’s Mom’s less hot younger sister or Stifler’s Mom’s decent-looking cousin, but never Stifler’s Mom.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to cut up a pair of black tights and link a bunch of old gold chain necklaces together so I can attempt to recreate this look at home. I have a formal event coming up, and I’d like to serve up some serious sophistication.
Here’s John Travolta delivering some lace front glamour with a side of sass at The 12th Annual Living Legends of Aviation Awards in L.A. last night. I’m sure the sight of Travolta working that man wig made your b-hole pucker so hard that it got stuck to your seat, so I’ll wait here as you pry it off.
The other day, the entire wig industry cried themselves into the fetal position when Reddit spit up that picture of Scientology’s sweetheart smiling without his hair on while posing with a hot piece he met in an empty gym at 3 in the morning. Seeing John Travolta proudly show off his bald head made the wig industry question their future. But they can get up off of the floor and live again, because John Travolta and his pony mane wig are back together. All is right in the wig industry again. Thank Xenu!
I woke up this morning with the barfs and a headache that made me feel like Mama June sat on my face all night. (I’m probably knocked up with a Chipolte baby.) I blame it on all the eye-rolling, face palming and laughing I did while watching TLC’s My Husband’s Not Gay. This headache is really keeping me from whipping my head around while doing The Running Man over the news that The Supreme Court will decide if same-sex marriage is a constitutional right. I’ve been trying to get through the day, but it’s not working, so I’m going to lay down for a second and try to get my shit together. For now, I leave you with this adorable ermine creature, who’s whiter than the Oscar nominations, playing peek-a-boo with a dude. I just love a good video of a long, white thing with a pink tip popping in and out of a hole. (I know, I always have to drag us back to the gutter.)
Open Post: Hosted By Phoebe Price’s Words Of Wisdom About Russell Crowe’s “Ageism In Hollywood” Comments
FINALLY, the Queen of Hollywood (adjacent) has spoken!
We already heard Jessica Chastain and infinity-time Oscar winner Meryl Streep’s thoughts on Russell Crowe saying that actresses need to play their age, and now it’s time to hear from the only bright shining star in Hollywood who matters: Phoebe Price! I don’t know why reporters bothered asking anyone else when PP’s opinion is the only opinion we care about. The truth is, an inside source (aka the voices in my head) told me that Anderson Cooper, Christiane Amanpour, Oprah, Diane Sawyer and Charlie Rose all tried to interview PP about this very subject, but she was way too busy for them. But a very lucky reporter got the scoop of the century at The Grove the other day when the star of Get Smart Phoebe Price and fellow HSOTW Lorielle New magically appeared before him. He asked Chicken Cutlets about Russell Crowe’s comment and she spilled out this stream of one hundred percent TRUTH!
“You know, I think it’s true and I think it’s not true. But Russell Crowe should just shut his mouth, because if the same situation was happening to him… A lot of men can work, they can be 20 years old or they can be 50 years old . They act like women can’t play these roles, but look at me! I am in my late 30s and I look like I’m younger, so Russell Crowe should shut his mouth. Because he has a penis and we have a vagina and you know, he should just be quiet.”
She won the debate at “I think,” because whatever PP thinks is the right answer. But she really won the debate at “he has a penis and we have a vagina.” BOOM! How can Russell Crowe argue with that? Remember in the first Real World: Los Angeles when Tami Roman gets her jaw wired shut? Russell Crowe is having that same procedure done right now, because when PP tells you to do something, you really do it.
Pics: Wenn.com (Thanks Lígia!)