Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By Selena Gomez Lip-Synching (Probably) While In Toddler Courtney Love Cosplay

November 20, 2017 / Posted by:

While Pink seemed to sing live while busting out some Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark shit on the side of a building like a crazy person, Selena Gomez seemed to have given her vocal cords the night off and chose to Britney it instead (although TMZ denies it, claiming she only used a backing track). But in Selena’s defense, she got a kidney transplant this past summer, and if I had a kidney transplant this past summer, I’d still be in bed and making my friends and family wait on me. “Michael, it’s been fifteen years since you’ve gotten that kidney. Don’t you think you should get out of bed already and stop making me get your favorite comfort meal of Popeye’s chicken with KFC sides?

Selena and that handless coffee mug (that ain’t a marshmallow, stop it) performed their song Wolves at the American Music Awards last night, and well, it was something that happened. Selena, who is now a greasy shade of Bieber blond, moved her mouth on a mic while looking about as out of it as a still drunk me when I get up in the middle of the night to piss. As a bruised and busted up Selena stumbled around her wrecked car, a chorus of sister wives in Keds let the devil take over their bodies while they busted out moves choreographed by Regan from The Exorcist. I think the shrug at the end pretty much sums the whole thing up.

Selena looked dazed and confused, and that might have been part of her performance since she’s supposed to be a car crash victim and shit. Or maybe, right before her performance, she was suddenly hit with the realization that she’s boning Justin Bieber again and is a member of a “church” whose leader looks like a Terry Richardson fanboy.

Pics: ABC, Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By This Dad’s Blazing Hot Michael Jackson Moves

November 19, 2017 / Posted by:

Here’s your dad revealing his deepest secret to the world. He was a backup dancer for a Michael Jackson tribute band called Bubbles the Chimp for a brief period in the 1980s. Mashable was kind enough to bring us this guy breaking it down for all of us while dancing to the MJ songs on the PA before a Janet Jackson show in Brooklyn on Wednesday night. Apparently, the routine’s from the “Remember The Time” video?

No one in that auditorium had better thrown any shade this dude’s way. People were probably tee-heeing thinking they were better than this guy cuz’ THEY weren’t making fools of themselves by emulating the King of Pop. Well, those h8ers were wrong! This guy has ALL the balls! This sort of gutsy performance is only made possible by intense courage, natural rhythm, and as few fucks as humanly possible.

This man was FEELING IT!!! #JanetJackson #MichaelJackson #StateOfTheWorldTour

A post shared by Nico Vargas-Germain (@ridiculous__nicholas) on

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By Dacre Montgomery From “Stranger Things” Getting A Spray Tan

November 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Dacre Montgomery (pronounced Day-ker),) is the hard-bodied Australian actor who plays the wackjob bully with the ASTOUNDING wig on Stranger Things S2. (That wig should be in the credits. It should probably come before Winona Ryder.) A makeup artist on the show posted this video on Instagram of her giving Dacre’s chest a little color. For those of you who are thirsty and into sinewy types with mullets, this fap’s for you.

Hornet:

In her Instagram post — which has now been viewed over 6.2 million times — Hindsgaul mentions that Montgomery’s abs are real. You can also tell from the curve in his jeans that he has a nice butt too — just sayin’.

Personally, he’s such a prick on the show that I spend too much time wanting his character to die to notice his bod. I’m such a liar – I totally notice his bod. As if anything short of a funeral would cause me to stop being thirsty. And it would probably have to be the funeral of a family member or friend. Maybe not even then. *sad-face* Watch the vid below.

Pic: Instagram

Open Post: Hosted By The Judges Of “The Voice Of Germany” Having A “Who?” Moment While Watching Rita Ora Audition

November 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Question mark’s favorite singer Rita Ora went on The Voice of Germany to push her second album, which will be released the day after never exclusively in Neverland, and the producers thought it would be a real cute gimmick for her to do a blind audition. The audition was so blind that even when the judges took off their blindfolds (read: turned their chairs around), they still didn’t know who the hell they were looking at. ONTD posted this clip and said, “Even after turning around, the judges didn’t seem to recognize her.” I thought they were exaggerating, but then I watched the clip and a couple of judges do give the same confused face my dad would give me if I ran up to him today and said, “Dad! It’s me, your son Michael!”

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Open Post: Hosted By A Headless Praying Mantis Sexing On Another Praying Mantis

November 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Add “a headless zombie praying mantis” to the list of tricks that are getting more ass than me.

Everybody knows that sometimes a lady praying mantis gets into some horrific 8mm shit by killing and eating their male fuck partner during sex. But both Gizmodo and highly-esteemed scientific journal The Daily Mail have posted a video of a dude praying mantis still giving his lady that praying mantis dick after she bit his head off. And I’m sharing the video with you, because we’re friends and I wouldn’t be a friend if I didn’t show you a video of a lady praying mantis doing sex to a dead body. Although, this video isn’t the worst thing I saw yesterday. That award goes to the latest episode of the Dynasty reboot.

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