Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By Britney Spears’ Kenzo Ad

March 20, 2018 / Posted by:

And somewhere in her Lisa Frank sticker-covered villainess lair, Taylor Swiftlystealingideasfromeveryone just copied the link to this ad and put it in her folder marked: Things To Steal Ideas From For My Next Video.

You may be wondering why I put Britney Spears’ name in the headline and used a picture of a Keira Knightley wax figure in raccoon eyes and a wig made out of bleached seaweed. But that’s just Brit Brit after being pulled through the ole’ Photoshop ringer machine a few dozen times. Whenever you think of Brit Brit, you automatically think of a fashion icon for the ages. So it’s not exactly a shock that Kenzo asked her to be the face of their new ad campaign. It’s also not a shock that Brit Brit mostly walks in the ad since: 1. Brit Brit only waves her arms for that Las Vegas $$$$. And 2. Brit Brit has walked some of the world’s most prestigious runways (read: the hallways of her McMansion). Only Brit Brit could make clothes that really should’ve been left in the early-aughts look like HIGH FASHUN!

And I wonder how many times K-Fed tried to crash the set and get into Brit Brit’s pockets to get money to feed his starving family since he’s barely getting by on that poverty-level $20,000 a month? The answer to that question is obviously zero. Like K-Fed would really pull himself off of his La-Z-Boy to do that shit.

Pic: Peter Lindbergh/Kenzo


Open Post: Hosted By Benedict Cumberbatch Coming Out As A Teaosexual

March 19, 2018 / Posted by:

Just like Idris Elba before him, Benedict Cumberbatch has gotten together with the fundraising site Omaze to get some money for charity. By donating money to charity, the Cumberbitches will be entered into a drawing where they could win a prize package including airfare to L.A., a fancy hotel stay, tickets to the premiere of Avengers: Infinity War and a tea date with The Alien Lizard King. B. Cums’ people better be making a mental note to cover the floor of the room of his tea date with industrial-strength plastic tarps, because I have a feeling the Cumberbitch who wins is going to squirt out an ocean of crotch curds and whey.

To promote the charity contest, B. Cums did a video where he showed us how to make a perfect cup of hot tea. Now, the way I make a perfect cup of hot tea is to put a couple of spoonfuls of Nestea iced tea powder into a mug full of water and nuke that bitch. But to B. Cums, the perfect way to make a hot cup of tea is to make the tea bag jizz out its natural flavors by talking sexy to it. Thankfully B. Cums stops himself before he pulls out his balls and teabags that teabag.

That video was a mistake, because the Cumberbitch who wins is going to expect him to get into foreplay with his cup of tea in front of her. I can already hear her say, “With one Alien Lizard King hemipenis in it,” when he asks her how she takes her tea.

Pic: YouTube

Open Post: Hosted By The Return Of Stefon To SNL

March 18, 2018 / Posted by:

It feels entirely appropriate that on one of the messiest days of the year, one of the messiest characters to ever slide into the Weekend Update desk would make their return to Saturday Night Live. After almost three years since his last visit, Stefon came back last night to give the good people visiting New York City some expert recommendations on what to see and do on St. Patrick’s Day. You have probably already guessed that his recommendations don’t include sipping green cocktails and eating bottomless plates of potato wedges at the Applebee’s in Times Square.

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Open Post: Hosted By RuPaul Receiving A Star On The Hollywood Walk Of Fame

March 17, 2018 / Posted by:

Category is: legend receiving an iconic sidewalk award during a middle of the day ceremony eleganza extravaganza! It’s a mouthful, but hey – it’s a very specific look. Yesterday RuPaul was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame by the good people at the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. If Ru looked at himself in the mirror and commanded “You betta work” before he stepped out onto Hollywood Boulevard, it shows. Mama Ru gave that star a proper reveal by dropping down onto the red carpet and serving poolside diva pose realness, which I believe is the absolute minimum level of drama required for such an event.

Ru was introduced by fellow legend Jane Fonda, because they’re friends, although I’d like to think Ru wanted to choose someone who also believes that reading is fundamental. And joining Ru on the red carpet was a variety of Ru’s best squirrelfriends, like his husband Georges LeBar, Ross Matthews, Candis Cayne, Todrick Hall, his three sisters and his tenth grade teacher. The only person missing was Michelle Visage. No, she didn’t miss the ceremony because she ran late trying to find press-ons that matched Ru’s suit; it’s because she’s in Ireland at the moment.

Here’s more from Ru’s Walk of Fame ceremony. A whole lot of Ru’s legendary status is from the success of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and I was certain there might be just a teensy bit more drama to the day. Like seeing Ru carried out on a throne made of blonde wigs by four shirtless members of the Pit Crew. I mean really, is that too much to ask?


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Open Post: Hosted By Jennifer Garner Still Fielding Questions About Her Oscar “Aha” Moment

March 16, 2018 / Posted by:

When cameras at the Oscars panned to Jennifer Garner, it looked like she had come to the woke realization that she was wasting a solid 45 hours at a damn awards show when she just as easily could have been at home watching Super Soul Sunday on OWN. Because there wasn’t much else going on at the Oscars except that movie about fish fucking taking home everything, the clip of Jen went viral. She even had fun with it on her Instagram story that managed to still namedrop she’s the face of a credit card company and the next Marnie for a Lena Dunham project. Alas, she’s still getting questions for her viral seconds of fame, and it doesn’t sound like she’s all that amused by it anymore. Continue reading


Open Post: Hosted By Oregon’s LSD Of A Tourist Ad

March 15, 2018 / Posted by:

I went to Oregon for the first time late last year, and I was sad the entire state wasn’t built around a 1,000-foot bronze statue of Tonya Harding. What a missed opportunity. It’s a pretty state, but a new commercial from Oregon’s official tourism body dropped a video that is “based on actual events. More or less.” More like based on the crack-fueled dreams of a graphic designer! I guess Tiffany Haddish took that Louisiana swamp kush and popped over to the Pacific Northwest to make a cartoon, y’all!

To be fair, I was drunk on Wilamette Valley Pinot Noir 97% of my visit to Portland and the surrounding wine region, so there may have been the giant ass rabbit seen at the 20-second mark flopping through a field of flowers. We’ll never know. Damn you, red wine blackout. Hayao Miyazaki must be taking a break from anime to drum up visitors to Portlandia because this acid trip of a video seems like it might be one of his pieces of Oscar bait.

The rest of the ad includes farting clouds, loons serving wine on a hot air balloon, and an asteroid that crashes into Crater Lake just to do a quick lap and not miraculously cause Armageddon. Silly, cartoonist. That only happens in Brooklyn. At an underground circuit party. After 3am. Or so I’ve heard. The commercial plays out like a prolonged round of Pokemon Go, and I’m sure Washington and California are both pissed over the tourist money they’re going to lose to Oregon. Who wants to slum it at Disneyland or Starbucks HQ when you can go frolic with Charizard at Mt. Hood?

Pic: YouTube

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