Lindsay Lohan was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to promote her reality show masquerading as a serious documentary Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check and she says she’s really spiritual right now (read: gets all her coke blessed), is ready for a Mean Girls reunion and spoke like a true reality trick when she said that of course the producers picked the messiest time in her life to film her. After she dribbled out the same ole’ same ole’, Jimmy and LiLo sat down for a game of water war, where they threw cups of water at each other’s faces for 4 minutes. Some of you probably figured that one day you’d see a video of LiLo getting splashed in the face over and over again, but this is not what you were thinking of. And I know what’s really going on here. This is the health department and Jimmy Fallon’s ingenious way to get LiLo to take a shower. Well played, health department.
Prince Hot Ginge continued to do God’s work today at a volleyball game during the launch of the Invictus Wounded Warriors Games in London and the “God’s work” I’m specifically referring to is him giving us beautiful images like this that were made to spend time with my Photoshop. He looks like a ginger roly-poly and it’s glorious. That picture makes me to risk bursting into flames (“But you’re already flaming” – you) by going into a church, so I can say a thankful prayer to the parents of the Knolls’ Brothers’ for creating the creators of Photoshop.
There’s really nothing more to say here. I have work to do. Legs up, ass out, goodnight.
Seen here celebrating Ass Wednesday early (I will get four chancleta swats to the hand for that one), Papa Joe continued to make up for lost time by partying with a patriotic piece, Heidi Montag’s future and another dude at a party for Naluda Magazine in Beverly Hills last night. Late-In-Life-Gay Ken took a little time out from “managing” male models to give that patriotic piece a place to sit. That patriotic piece is giving me Bobby Trendy and if he is Bobby Trendy, then I take back everything I said about Gary Busey and the Porn Iguana. This is my favorite new couple. Get it on that American spirit, Papa Joe.
Rapping Australian Parasite Hilton look-alike Iggy Azalea (or “Yaggert Daffodilly” as John Travolta would call her) is scooting her way through the 90s and she’s already paid tribute to our civilization’s greatest artistic achievement Showgirls and now here’s her homage to Clueless. Hold onto something sturdy and brace your souls, because her “homages” to Bound and The Craft are coming any minute.
In their video for “Fancy,” Iggy does herself up as Cher Horowitz and Charli XCX does herself up as Tai. Iggy sounds like she graduated from Justin Bieber’s School of ~Swag~ Talk and the song made me want to shove Exedrin in my ears, but I don’t completely hate the video. The outfits are almost spot-on and they shot some scenes at Grant High School in Van Nuys, the same school where they shot some of the school scenes in Clueless.
My only two complaints are: Where is the red Alaïa dress and where is the dance break in front of Circus Liquor? As if, whore!
That picture says so much and makes me feel so much.
When Ellen DeGeneres gathered up a bunch of A-list movie stars (and Lupita Nyongo’s brother…. and Channing Tatum… and A-list Netflix star Kevin Spacey) for the most re-tweeted picture in history, poor old little Liza Minnelli tried to jump in and be seen. How dreadful. Liza’s reaching her hand out and I can almost hear her say, “Don’t forget about meeee.” She’s Liza, though. Liza should’ve used that hand to grab Julia Roberts’ hair, pull that bitch down and make her get on all fours so Liza could’ve stepped on her back and risen above all those simple whores who need to learn how to respect a legend and her nipple ! But whatever, Liza eventually got a picture with Ellen:
And she worked that armpit pussy action while doing so.
I’m going to guess that right now a single tear is rolling down your cheek (I’m not going to guess which cheek) at the stunning portrait of a butch and lipstick lesbian at their Cinderella-themed wedding. By the way, the one on the right is the butch one.
As that gold Oscar statue threw side looks of jealousy at Johnny Weir for sparkling more than it does, he and Tara Lipinski squeefed clouds of rhinestone dust into the air when they posed at the Oscars today. Since everybody jizzed out of their brains over Johnny Weir’s (and maybe, Tara Lipinski’s, I guess, probably not) Olympics coverage, Access Hollywood got them to do fashion commentary and interview celebwhores at the Oscars tonight. It’s going to be really hard for Pee-wee Herman and Liberace’s glitter lube butt baby to interview celebrities while they’re gagging on his glamour.
It’s the night that some of us have prepared for all year long by guzzling down gallons of the sweet nectar. You need a high tolerance to get through all 10 hours of this shit. It’s Oscar times, when we all get wasted on sparkling wine bought at Rite-Aid while watching a bunch of hos in fancy dresses jack each other off. I think I just explained my junior prom.
I’ll throw up a few posts tonight, and Allison and I will cover most of the foolery tomorrow if my liver has jumped out of my ass and ran for safety.
Pics: AP, Getty
Kim Kardashian, take note: this is how a hooker poses for a picture with a horny old man.
At the Unite4Humanity charity event in Los Angeles Thursday night, Bill Clinton was approached by two delicate lace hankies who asked him to pose for a picture, and since Bill is a gentleman who would never be so rude as to turn down a request from such demure lilac blossoms, he obliged. However, it turns out he wasn’t actually posing with high-society debutantes, but with two sneaky party-crashing hookers from the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada. I know! I’m suh shocked that the woman wearing polyester hair with two fingers in her hard lemonade wasn’t on the guest list of a high-profile charity event. TMZ says that the two horz, Barbie Girl and Ava Adora, came as a guest’s plus-one and were removed from the party immediately after taking the picture.
HAAAAATERS! All Barbie Girl and Ava Adora wanted was to bask in the warm glow of Bill Clinton’s hotness, and you kicked them out onto the curb like two trashy hookers. You call yourselves humanitarians? You could learn a lesson form Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton welcomes all types of women. “Give me your tired, your poor, your skanky and toothless. Those with tig ol’ bitties or teeny-tinys. The slutty, the raunchy, and even Librarian-looking ones with glasses. Send these to me.”
This is Casper Smart and Xtina’s fiance’s cue to start drooling with jealousy, because do their sugar mamas take them to such refined couturiers like Men’s Wearhouse? I think not.
While wearing the exact same ensemble you wore to a 4th grade slumber party in 1988 (I’m sorry if I brought back painful memories of frozen panties and Vaseline toilet seats), Our Lady of Cheetos took Normal Guy Dave on a shopping spree at Men’s Wearhouse in Westlake Village, CA yesterday. Good, because his ass needs a suit. I bet it was just like that scene in Pretty Woman. After they strolled in, Brit Brit took the manager aside, flashed the pre-paid Capital One MasterCard her daddy gave her and told the manager they were going to spend an OBSCENE amount of money. The manager asked exactly how obscene an amount of money she was talking about, to which Brit Brit replied, “RILL UH-FENSIVE!” Then Mary Kate, Mary Kate, Mary Francis and Tovah all came out and Normal Guy Dave modeled khaki suit after khaki suit while “Pretty Woman” played on a speaker above. It was a fashion montage that Men’s Wearhouse will never forget. Brit Brit really knows how to treat her hos.
And Normal Guy Dave liked the way he looked! I guarantee it! (Never 4Get George Zimmer!)
Doesn’t that picture make you want to drop your chonies, bend over the hood of a gold Cutlass Supreme and take long drags from a cherry-flavored cigarillo while Midnight Star’s “Curious” plays on the radio?
The always fashionably-challenged afghan hound Adrien Brody dropped several dozen drops of his signature “sleazy lothario” swag at the premiere of The Grand Budapest Hotel at Lincoln Center in NYC last night. That lazily applied powder. That pucker. That $2 red shiny suit that’s begging for a sex stain. Now I know what that crazy, desperate slag Kaley Cuoco was going on about. Because that right there is the kind of man you’d move into your apartment the day after your first blind date. Then the day after that, he’d break up with you and as he was walking out the door for the final time, he’d throw you a farewell wink that’ll make your genitals drop and you wouldn’t even care that he had your TV in his arms and the money you kept in the freezer in his back pocket. Take my money and break my heart.
Here’s more of Adrien Brody looking like an extra from Casino last night and I also threw in pictures of Bill Murray, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum and others. May the panty creaming begin!
While serving up some “International Male Catalog: Pepaw Section circa 1998″ hotness, Simon Cowell went for a good old-fashioned paparazzi stroll with his crestfallen fur tits, his two fur pups, his gold digging
fiancee piece and the adorable ball of human that they haven’t stopped pimping out since he was born like five minutes ago. Nothing says “I’m taking that #pedorazzi hash tag and using it as a double-sided dildo to fuck both Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell right in their b-holes” like happily parading your newborn in front of the paps.
But we all know that the true stars of these pictures are Simon Cowell’s tits, which look more and more like two blob fish who just rolled around on the floor of a barber shop. Simon knows we all get the moists from seeing his tit dumplings too, because he took his shirt off and gave us the goods. He’s like that middle-aged man who shows up to the club by himself, thinks he’s the hottest shit in the room, hits on everyone and then takes his shirt off on the dance floor to show hos what they’re missing. But really, hairy low-hanging chichis paired with belted jeans IS the look.