I am blessedly child-free so I only have to endure insipid children’s programming when I’m with my 5-year-old niece who inexplicably loves something called PJ Masks. I tried to get her to explain the appeal to me, but it was kind of like trying to get a straight answer out of Lindsay Lohan about that kidnapping attempt. Pointless and confusing. Thankfully, the dear child enjoys a wider variety of music than she does in TV. She listens to all kinds of grown up music like Bruno Mars. She also likes Bruno Mars, Bruno Mars, and Bruno Mars. As far as I know, she hasn’t discovered Drake yet, and that’s good because I don’t trust him around children. But apparently she’s in the minority; kids go gaga for Drake, despite the fact that his lyrics often touch on adult subject matters like God and (ALLEGEDLY) fucking Kim Kardashian. Enter Kidz Bop 39 Feat. “In My Feelings”, making Drake safe for the juice box set.
We may have been spared from another terrible Sex And The City movie (thanks, Kim Cattrall!), but it seems like that isn’t going to keep Sarah Jessica Parker from being a grown-ass woman in a tutu who talks in puns and start sentences with “I couldn’t help but wonder…” SJP Instagrammed a video over the weekend and confirmed Carrie is coming back for a “brief reappearance.” Ugh, reading that has me feeling like my lunch is about to make a brief reappearance, too.
He’s not THAT bad. Wouldn’t you rather listen to “Lil’ Timmy Tim” as opposed to Kanye? When Timothée Chalamet was a high school kid at some prestigious performing arts school in Manhattan (which was probably, like, yesterday), he had to take Statistics. This is disappointing because you would figure you would go to a Fame-type school to AVOID math.
Did he wear it when he married David Geffen? I KID. Sad Keanu Reeves, Hollywood stalwart and soft-spoken hug magnet, went on the The Talk and spoke about the time that he wore birthday goddess Dolly Parton’s bunny outfit from her 1978 Playboy cover.
I guess Madonna is done getting attention by terrorizing eulogies at major awards shows and has to come up with a new gimmick, so why not remind people of the Erotica years?! Madge has been a blonde for most of her career, named a tour after ‘dem blonde locks, and hell, she’s probably known for her hair color as much as she is for sucking the life out of rising pop princesses.
Social media’s “I’m attention-starved and need gratification!” moment du jour is the 10-year challenge. It’s why your news feed is clogged with split-screen photos of people you went to high school with bragging about how great their moisturizer routine is by showing a self-photo from 2009 and one from 2019. Only, the 2009 one looks like Kendall Jenner’s Proactiv ad, and the 2019 one looks like Yoda. Someone whose 10-year challenge is not here for any wrinkling is Mariah Carey, dahhhling. She posted her own, uh, attempt at it, and it seems like we’re going to have to go find old episodes of TRL on YouTube if we want to see 2009 Mariah.