Open Post: Hosted By A Woman Who Really Loves Her SUV And Wasn’t About To Let Some Thieves Snatch It
May we all love something the way that this woman loves her car, because damn, she took “ride or die” to brand new levels of crazy.
Now, if a car jacker tried to jack my car, I’d say, “Hold that thought. Let me call my insurance company and get full coverage before you take it.” But not Melissa Smith. She tells Fox6 Now that on Tuesday afternoon, she was filling up her SUV at a gas station near downtown Milwaukee, WI when a black Cadillac pulled up next to her and out jumped a teen thief whose mission was to steal her shit. But that thief didn’t realize that Melissa is Rose from Titanic and her SUV is Jack, because she’ll never let go. But unlike the real Rose, Melissa really didn’t let go.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been at my mom’s house, helping her pack up nearly 40 years of stuff she’s collected since moving in here. (“I haven’t lived here for 40 years! That’s impossible since I’m only 42!” – my mom) So basically, I’ve been living in an episode of Hoarders, but not nearly AS bad and without the cat carcasses and old garage refrigerator filled with moth-eaten kids clothes she swears she’s going to gift to someone.
Today is finally moving day, so I’ll be in and out of Dlisted until next Tuesday. Ben is covering for me and everything should be back to normal on Tuesday…. unless my mom has me arrested after finding out that I sneakily threw away the dozens of dry cleaning hangers she kept and packed. That’s entirely possible.
So before I end up in jail for dry cleaning hanger theft, let me post this video of one of the internet’s first sweethearts, the box-loving pussy Maru. Today is Maru’s 10th birthday and his human celebrated with some of his greatest hits.
And after weeks of packing and after seeing that pussy stuff himself in a box, I never want to see a cardboard box ever ever again!
Brad Pitt is in Tokyo promoting his new movie War Machine (I originally typed “Whore Machine,” which is a great title for a Katrashian documentary), and I see that he’s still trying to convince us that he’s renewed and a changed trick by dressing like a born again who was just baptized and now looks at the world through rose-colored glasses. Or maybe Brad isn’t trying to punch our brains with that message again and he just really wanted to look like a Backstreet Boy who can’t let go of the glory days.
Brad Pitt is also a cigarette away from looking like a member of The Guilty Remnant, that cult from The Leftovers. Mr. Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, is on The Leftovers. So I’ll be really disappointed if the tabloids don’t somehow try to link Brad dressed like an extra from The Leftovers to wanting Jen back. Don’t let me down, tabloids!
Since Salma Hayek is married to a billionaire, that better not be one of Katy Perry’s old ones. That wig better be made from a mane that was donated by an actual pastel pink unicorn. Or a wig made from the pubes of the actual Jem.
At the Women in Motion party at Cannes last night, Salma worked a cotton candy lace front while posing with her billionaire husband and Isabelle Huppert on the black carpet. That wig isn’t the look, but Salma obviously disagrees with me, because She. Is. Feeling. Her. Self. Throw a pink wig on Salma Hayek and suddenly she’s come hither-ing for her life.
And yesterday when my hungover eyes saw these pictures in thumbnail form on the photo agency’s website, I thought it was Kylie Jenner wearing more bronzer than usual. I hope I’m the only one who thought that and nobody told Salma they reminded her of Kylie Jenner. Because if they did, she’d torch that wig and get a new face installed on her head so nobody would ever say the words, “You kind of remind me of Kylie Jenner tonight,” to her again. And honestly, that’d be a reasonable reaction.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson hosted the Saturday Night Live season finale last night and announced he was running for president, as he threatened in GQ. He also brought out America’s Dad Tom Hanks and announced him as his running mate. I’m on board.
Right now, I’d stump for a facecloth, or a teacup poodle or an impacted molar for POTUS at this point. Literally, ANYTHING would be better than the “berzerker child” option with which America went. Check out The Rock’s monologue, below.
SNL also revisited their post-election cold open. This time, instead of Kate McKinnon covering Hillary Clinton covering Leonard Cohen, it was Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump and the rest of the cast as his administration and family (with a surprise cameo from Scarlett Johansson as Ivanka “Complicit” Trump). Here it is:
Wait, SNL’s done for the season? Where am I going to get my news? Will Anderson Cooper keep insulting the president’s lackeys on CNN? Can we get confirmation on that? That could be my sole news source now if he keeps being a shady lady to stupids.
Of course he cried! This is the white witch! The white-winged dove! She IS Rhiannon, the story of a Welsh witch!
Harry Styles, who seems to be quickly reaching a Tay Tay Swift-level of omnipresence lately, was joined by Stevie Nicks at his show at L.A.’s Troubador, last night. They dueted on one of his songs, and two of hers – “Leather and Lace” and “Landslide.” Landslide is already a tearjerker, but then sing it with Stevie herself and try not to fall apart. They should have done “Edge of Seventeen,” because I wanted to see Harry try and match Stevie’s microphone kicks and shawl twirling and fail miserably.
Watch Harry fall apart (at the 4:35 mark), below.
And be sure and clock Stevie’s truly formidable platform boots in that video. Stevie is 68 years old and wearing boots that would snap the ankles of these lesser chicks. She is a goddamn treasure.