Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By Liam Hemsworth’s Nick Carter Circa The 90s Hair

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

To quote the Backstreet Boys: TELL ME WHY?!

And now here’s Liam Hemsworth once again showing us what happens you middle part your hair and you’re not a member of the Backstreet Boys in the 90s or Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World. Liam Hemsworth obviously didn’t learn shit from Bradley Cooper, because when B. Coop tried to work the middle-parted hair look, he looked like the human form of DERP who has been arrested several times for getting caught licking the sanitary liners on bikinis in the dressing room area of a Victoria’s Secret. I thought B. Coop taught us all to just say NO when it comes to middle-parted hair.

But I guess Liam Hemsworth was out sick that day, because here he is wearing middle-parted hair in the year 2015 at the Kids’ Choice Awards on Sunday night. When are hos going to learn that when your drivers license doesn’t say the name Leonardo DiCaprio and the year isn’t 1997, do not attempt the middle part. If you don’t have to take 6 hot bleach showers daily, because Lou Pearlman slobbers while looking at you all day since you’re a 16 year old Nick Carter, do not attempt the middle part. If you’re not Jon Hamm on a dating show, do not attempt the middle part.

If you insist on middle parting your hair, at least go full 90s. This would’ve been the look if Liam was wearing a hip-hop Looney Tunes t-shirt, Cross Colours baggy capris and Skechers Chrome Domes. But this is not the look, because Liam did not commit.

Fix it, Moses. You parted the Red Sea, now un-part that hair.

Pics: AP

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Open Post: Hosted By The Pissed Off Mom And Dad Who Broke Up A Glamorous Teen Party In 1988

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

And here’s an important historical artifact of 1988 that proves the key ingredients for a glamorous blow-out party are: wine coolers in plastic cups, cigarettes stolen from somebody’s dad, Roxette and two Tina Yothers look-alikes who are dressed like 50-year-old country club wives and who are working the exquisite AquaNet-covered Molly Ringwald bob that everybody worked in the 80s.

Someone uploaded this glamorous blast from 1988 of a major rager (read: 6 teens smoking for the first time while listening to Roxette) that almost blows the roof off of that house until the host’s parents shut that shit down. You know shit is real serious when your mom calls you “kiddo.” It’s like hearing a cop tell you to step out of the vehicle. You know you’re screwed. I bet that dude got put on restriction and he totally missed new episodes of Just The Ten Of Us, because his mom took away his TV privileges. Basically, your life as you know it is OVER when your mom calls you “kiddo.”

And the real star of this video is the dad who says “shithead” at the end. He’s probably pissed because his son and those 80s mom-looking teenage girls smoked his cigarettes and drank his booze.

via Gawker

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Open Post: Hosted By Gronk Twerking In A Pair Of Fluorescent Yellow Shorts

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Because I don’t watch football, I only have the vaguest idea of what Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski’s deal is, but what I’ve gathered from the internet is that he’s 25-year-old muscled-up party animal who likes kittens and plays for the New England Patriots. He also may or may not be the come-to-life version of Moose Mason from Riverdale High. Regardless, all that really matters is that Gronk loves to party, and a video of him busting out some Magic Mike moves in a pair of fluorescent yellow shorts at an EDM festival appeared on the internet, because of course it did.

Gronk was at the Ultra Music Festival in Miami yesterday, and I guess the music was making him feel things in his ass area, because he got on stage and started booty thrusting and air humping as if it was the second half of the Super Booty Bowl and his twerk team was down by 69 points.

I don’t know if the NFL still frowns upon touchdown dances, but maybe after seeing this video, they might reconsider for the sake of increased game attendance. I have zero interest in football, but if there’s any chance a dude in spandex pants will drop to the ground and air fuck the end zone, I’m so there.

(via Deadspin)

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Open Post: Hosted By Ryan Reynolds As Deadpool

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Because nobody learned anything from that smegma nugget called The Green Lantern, Ryan Reynolds is shooting another superhero right now and today he tweeted out the “first look” of him working full Deadpool drag while lounging on a faux bearskin rug that has 100% more personality and charisma than Blake NotSoLively. This shit doesn’t come out until 2016.

Dude looks like a female contract killer who made her costume out of an old catsuit and an off-brand Spider-Man mask. I don’t know whether or not this is making the nerds get moist at the tip or is making their throat get moist from the vomit that’s coming up while looking at this abomination! But I do know that Ryan and the hos who came up with that picture are not right. I get that it’s a parody, but tricks shouldn’t even bother recreating such a panty cream-inducing  iconic pose:

burtreynoldsbearskin

Whenever you look at that picture too long, you start to get the feeling that you need to pull pubes out of your mouth. The hair just seeps through the screen. You don’t know where the bearskin run ends and Burt Reynolds’ begins. Deadpoo (typo and it stays) shouldn’t have even tried it. That said, I still would.

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Open Post: Hosted By Collins, Dame Collins To You

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

International treasure and the most glamorous being who has ever lived, Joan Collins, is already considered the true Queen of England and anyone who tells you otherwise is a first-degree lie-telling piece of uneducated trash and they’re probably committing a major slanderous crime, so call the bobbies on their stupid asses.

THE QUEEN damn well knows that Joan Collins is the real diamond-encrusted heart of Britain (sorry Katie Price and Jodie Marsh) and she should give the crown to Joan, but she’s not going to do that because then she’d have to get a job. But THE QUEEN did do a right by making Joan a dame for her contributions to glamour, artistry and beauty.

The dame-ing of Joan Collins was announced last December, but the ceremony happened today at Buckingham Palace. While wearing what looked like a reworking of her iconic black and white court room look from Dynasty, Joan was made a dame by Prince Charles. I’m guessing THE QUEEN didn’t do the honors, because she’s secretly Team Krystal. Figures. Dame Joan was the epitome of modesty after the ceremony. via BBC News

“Not in a billion years did I think I would be made a dame,” said the 81-year-old after Thursday’s investiture ceremony at Buckingham Palace, London.
“It wasn’t anything I ever aspired to. I just wanted to be jobbing actress.”

She was honoured for her charity work, including with the NSPCC and breast cancer research. She is also a patron of children’s hospice charity Shooting Star Chase, which nominated her for the honour.

Accompanied by her fifth husband, Percy Gibson, and her daughter, Tara Newley, Dame Joan said she was still working and had “a lot of irons in the fire”.

What she should’ve said is: “It only took a billion years for those dum dums to finally pay tribute to the glamorous greatness that is me!

And well now you know that if you ever meet Joan Collins in person you have to add “Dame” to her title of “Eternal Glamour Goddess of the Universe” when addressing her.

Pics: AP

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Open Post: Hosted By Sarah Jessica Parker Throwing A Stanky Bitchface At Tom Hanks

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

On the eve of her 50th birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker took her son to a Rangers game in NYC where at one point she threw a disgusted fart face at Tom Hanks who was sitting in front of her. That’s pretty much the same face I made while watching Sex and the City 2. Roll that beautiful bean footage:

That grossed out face plus that serious gum chomping. She’s giving me “that moment when you realize your farmer switched out your regular hay for diet hay with an after taste.”

Either Tom Hanks dropped a serious ass burp or he’s loudly talking about his foot phobia or he said in a serious voice that he thinks his son Chet Haze is an asset to the music industry. Whatever the case may be, SJP got over it and did this:

sarahjessicatrangergame

It’s SJP’s birthday, so she can gum chop, throw a bitch glare and read a book at a hockey game if she wants to, I guess.

Pic: Getty (Thanks SE)

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Open Post: Hosted By Jeff Goldblum’s Majestic Ginger Poodle

March 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Here’s Jeff Goldblum struttin’ that ass with his majestic ginger poodle and his knocked up third wife on the streets of West Hollywood the other day. Jeff would take his majestic ginger poodle to the park and let him run freely, but every time he goes it’s always a major drama and a big scene. Whenever he goes to the park and calls his majestic ginger poodle’s name, parents suddenly grab their children and run screaming to their cars. It may or may not have something to do with the fact that Jeff Goldblum named his majestic ginger poodle Woody Allen. I’m not telling jokes. That poodle’s name is Woody Allen.

Poor Woody Allen Goldblum. His name is Woody Allen Goldblum AND his human insists on wearing those broke ass Edward Scissorhands pants from Hot Topic while going for a walk in public together. The humiliation of it all!

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By Papa Joe’s Tongue

March 23, 2015 / Posted by:

A heave just formed in Nick Lachey’s throat, because that’s the exact face that Papa Joe would make during a game of grab-ass under the table.

Last night, Papa Joe showed Jessica Simpson that she’s not the only member of the family who can be a drunk, slobbering mess in public. Midlife Crisis Ken was at the BOY London (too easy) fashion show in L.A. yesterday where he served up some ARRRRRRR! realness and sucked on a long, hard, skinny thing (a vaporizer) all night.

Never mind that Papa Joe’s clothes still look like an International Male catalog from the early 90s shat them up, he is living the life! After years of being a pastor and pretending that Jessica Simpson can act and Ashlee Simpson can sing, he is finally letting his peroxide locks down and proudly acting a mess in public. In nearly every single one of these pictures, Papa Joe’s tongue is hanging out of his mouth like he just spotted a blonde twink’s hairless ass in the near distance. I don’t know why his tongue is doing that. Maybe he’s smoking the same stuff that makes Miley Cyrus’ tongue want to bungee jump out of her mouth? I don’t know, but I do know that Papa Joe better expect a threatening legal letter from 2007′s  World’s Ugliest Dog Elwood, because I’m pretty sure that bitch has got the “wink and tongue out” move copyrighted.

Pics: FameFlynet

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Open Post: Hosted By Ariana Grande Latte Doing Celine Dion

March 22, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re a sucio fuck who got to this post after Googling “Ariana Grande doing Celine Dion” and you’re disappointed that there’s not pictures of them scissoring, please turn yourself into the police right away. You’re wrong.

The 21-year-old sister of social media mogul Frankie Grande was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon on Friday night where she showed both sides of her face (!!!!!) and continued to fuck with Charo’s intellectual property by wearing that ponytail. Just like he did with Xtina, Jimmy Fallon asked the miniature Mariah Carey impersonator to do an impersonation. During a duet of “Beauty and the Beast,” Ariana Grande Latte tried to do her best impersonation of the GREATEST SINGUH IN DA WORLD! (It starts at around the 1:00 mark.)

On a scale between Ana Gasteyer as Celine Dion and this chihuahua singing “My Heart Will Go On,” Ariana’s impersonation is somewhere in between. (Oh, what am I saying? Of course the chihuahua was better.) But I can’t fully rate Ariana’s Celine impersonation until I hear her say, Take a kayak!

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Open Post: Hosted By Kristen Wiig Working Some Hot Mom Jeans

March 21, 2015 / Posted by:

When I first saw these pictures of Kristen Wiig working the hell out of some faded high-waisteds on the set of a movie called Masterminds, it gave me a major flash back to the hottest mom on my street growing up. I seriously thought she was the best. Her name was Madonna (for real), she drove a white Hyundai Pony (hot), and she was almost always dressed like Kristen Wiig is above: white Reebok Freestyles (to match her car), a pair of faded knock-off Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, a tank top (even in the middle of the winter), and a silver-studded leather belt that was never done up properly. She totally did that thing where you tie a belt instead of using it like a real belt, and every time I saw her, I was like “this bitch is high fashion.

The only thing wrong is the hair: Kristen’s hair looks like it would move if the wind blew it, and Madonna’s hair didn’t because it was 98% hair spray. Her purse contained nothing but a bunch of cash and one of those combs where you can fill up the handle with Final Net. She couldn’t lug around a bottle of hairspray with her everywhere she went – she was a classy lady on the go!

Pics: Wenn.com

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