Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By The Pizza Cake

April 19, 2014 / Posted by:

I know that last week I was instructing you to pack up your things and move to Colorado in order to be closer to that dreamy vending machine that sells weed, but there’s been a change of plans. We’re moving to Canada now. Yes, it’s cold as fuck. Yes, they elect crack-smoking assholes. Yes, the TV suuuuucks (edit: except for Big Brother Canada). But they’ve invented the Pizza Cake, so it will all be worth it.

A restaurant chain in Canada called Boston Pizza (aka Bostons aka Lil’ BoPeez aka My Favorite Restaurant Because I Am Trash) currently has a promotion on called “Pizza Game Changers” where people get to vote which potential new product will be made by Boston Pizza. Half of the ideas are Lohan-level dumb, like the gas-powered pizza cutter or the beard-shaped napkin, and a couple actually seem plausible (you know some gross fuck really wants to eat pizza-flavoured mints). But then there’s the Pizza Cake: six pizzas stacked on top of each other to form a girthy, thick pizza-filled fuck pile.

Even thought the Pizza Cake has more photoshopping than the face of a Kardashian, it’s the only product that looks real and more than 11,000 people have voted for it to be added to the menu. And since it’s Canada, it would be super-rude not to give the people what they asked for, so I’m betting $100 in Canadian Tire Money that the pizza cake will actually be served in Boston Pizzas across the country within a matter of months. Regardless of where you live, go ahead and vote for the Pizza Cake (it’s Canada; it would be rude to check IP addresses) if you want to make a Canadian’s dream come true.

And if the Canadian government is looking for a new national dish, I think they’ve found it. Nothing says “I’ve Got Free Healthcare” like the Pizza Cake.

Open Post: Hosted By A Video Selfie Gone Wrong

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you missed it, here’s a PSA warning you of the dangers of taking a video selfie when you’re a foot away from a moving train and not in the market to commit suicide. You don’t want to be that person who’s got the words “Death By Selfie” written on their tombstone. But you know, this could’ve been worse. A conductor’s boot to the face is a lot better than a yellow metal rod knocking your head off. That conductor’s boot saved him! So this is more like a selfie gone wrong gone right again.

And in the end, he might’ve earned the Dumb Bitch of the Day award of honor, but he did get a good selfie out of it.

Screen Shot 2014-04-18 at 2.43.03 PM

It looks like he’s having a real intense conversation on his boot phone.

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Open Post: Hosted By CZJ’s Bangs

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Another day, another trick in Hollywood getting surgery scar-hiding hair curtains….

Tommy Girl thought he was the hottest Hollywood bitch in new bangs until Catherine Zeta-Jones showed up to the opening night of the off-Broadway play The Library with her on-and-off-again piece Michael Douglas and her own new set of bangs. It hurts the nerves in my fingers to type this, but Tommy Girl works the bang look better and hopefully CZJ can clip those off once the lift scars finally heal. Because those bangs make her look even more like the original prototype for the JWoww plastic mannequin. Even Michael Douglas looks like he’s trying to pretend those bangs aren’t there.

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Heidi Klum And Demi Moore’s Leftovers In Mexico

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Every dude in Hollywood who likes to get their prostates poked by a strap-on operated by a skinny ass model just crossed Heidi Klum’s name off of their list of potential pieces, because her strap-on game is whack. Not bending her piece over: – 100 points! Not pulling her piece’s hair: – 200 points! Yes, tapping his nip with her nail gets her 20 points, but it’s still not enough. Bitch needs strap-on training from Bland Eggs.

27-year-old art dealer and cougar magnet Vito Schnabel was getting on Demi Moore’s cougar cooch a little over a year ago and now he’s jumping on Heidi Klum’s 40-year-old titty sacks. Before Vito was boning Demi, he was doing Elle McPherson. Vito is certified cougar meat. So either the famous cougars just love a 20-something piece who knows his art and kind of looks like the human version of Spuds MacKenzie or Vito’s got a strong dick that can fuck the pre-menopause out of anyone.

Here’s a few more NSFW pictures of Heidi bringing some Vitamin D to her nips while hanging around with her new piece in Tulum, Mexico.

Pics: Pacific Coast News

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Open Post: Hosted By Germany’s Most Precious Jewel Celebrating Easter The Way It Was Meant To Be Celebrated

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Behold, the true reason for why Jesus rose from his grave! Jesus rose again so that in 2014 years, the fame whore pride of Germany Micaela Schäfer could pose in the middle of Berlin with nothing but a mortified rabbit, Easter egg nipple covers and a stuffed bunny pasty from the Half Euro Store covering her freshly waxed flower.

My retinas curled and secreted out glitter nectar yesterday when I laid my eyes on the twin swans of perfection Harald Glööckler and Amanda Lepore and they’re curling again while staring at these gorgeous pictures of Micaela redefining the definition of “demure” by once again airing her ass out in public for some quick attention. It wouldn’t be a holiday unless Micaela Schäfer, who is looking very Angel Schunard-ey in the face, is out there on the German stroll reminding the people of Berlin that she waxes everything off her body including her dignity.

But really, Micaela is taking serious risks to beautify the city of Berlin with her stunning elegance. If one of those egg pasties fell off, that rabbit would mistake her nipple for a newborn carrot and bite it off. If a fiber from that stuffed bunny got up into her snatch, she’d be celebrating Yeaster instead of Easter. Micaela Schäfer is suffering for the people! Just like Jesus! (Yes, I’ll get a chancleta slap to the face from my Catholic abuelita for that.)

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By The Most Beautiful Creatures In The World!

April 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Meanwhile in Heaven, Elvis and Marilyn Monroe gossip while hanging out on God’s throne….

We should all print out this picture and keep it in a rhinestone-encrusted heart-shaped locket around our necks to look at when we see ugly things out in the world (examples: CROCS, Kimye’s Vogue, the beaver tail on Kevin Spacey’s head, etc…) and need to be reminded that true beauty exists. The Germany cholita swan that is Harald Glööckler and Amanda Lepore, the woman Courtney Stodden wishes she could be, held court at the opening of his store at Friedrichstrasse in Berlin tonight. My favorite delicate German flower Micaela Schäfer was also there, completing the trifecta of potent gorgeousness and glamour.

I would pull out my eyeballs and put them in a box under my bed since is the most naturally beautiful thing I’ll see all year and nothing else will compare, but I’m not going to do that, because RuPaul’s Drag Race is on tonight.

WARNING: Staring at these pictures will cause you to cough up glitter and will give you the sudden urge to suck off a Sharpie and grope two plastic fish bowls.

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Grumpy At The MTV Movie Awards

April 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Put a mini-version of Pharrell’s dented-peen-head hat on Grumpy Cat’s head before dragging her to the MTV Movie Awards in L.A. and you’ll quickly see her grumpy face turn into a “please kill me and make it painless” face. That is a face that will get you on suicide watch.

The hardest-working pussy in the game (not to be confused with the hardest-working bussy in the game, which belongs to Tyler Perry) was kind enough to grace the MTV Movie Awards with her star power tonight and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that she was one of the biggest stars there. If you really want to get Lohan-kinds of plastered tonight and want an excuse to not go to work tomorrow (the excuse being that you’re physically unable to go since your arm vein will be attached to an IV drip in the ER after you get alcohol poisoning), then play a little drinking game. Watch the MTV Movie Awards and every time they announce the name of a presenter or nominee and your brain doesn’t recognize it, take a shot of the sweet nectar. You’ll be on the floor and drooling before the first commercial break. See you in the ER!

Pics: AP

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Open Post: Hosted By The Vending Machine That Sells Weed

April 12, 2014 / Posted by:

If you haven’t already, now is the time to pack up everything of importance (in my case that would be a bag of Dortios and my collection of Rainbow Brite dolls) and move to Colorado, because once again have they earned the award for outstanding achievement in the field of stoner excellence by creating a vending machine that sells legal marijuana. Wait a second…what is this salty discharge leaking from my eyes? Oh god, am I crying?? Pass me a box of Kleenex, I think I’m having a moment.

According to The Cannabist, the ZaZZZ vending machine was created by American Green and is “an automated, age-verifying, climate-controlled marijuana dispensing machine.” One of the first ZaZZZ sightings has been at Montana’s Smokehouse in Avon, CO, which makes a ton of sense, since who wouldn’t want to get baked and eat a fuckload of pulled pork. And then eat a fuckload of ribs. And then take a nap. And then wake up from the dream you were having about a wonderful vending machine that sells weed and realize IT WASN’T A DREAM!!!

The ZaZZZ machine is a great idea because not everyone wants to be chatted up by a dude who looks Dave Gruber Allen when they’re buying the good shit, but I feel like it’s missing something, something that would make the weed vending machine even better. Oh, that’s right: a regular vending machine.

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Open Post: Hosted By Cher’s Heart-Shaped Pasties

April 11, 2014 / Posted by:

 

Katy Perry to herself:This is totally my future.

Everybody to Katy Perry: “Bitch, you wish!”

Cher’s tenth annual farewell tour stopped in Boston last night and she gave all of her fans (which I’m assuming all look like this… no, that’s not me… I think) more wigs, rhinestones and contouring than an entire season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Cher wore Nicki Minaj’s wig better than Nicki Minaj wore it. Cher wore Brit Brit’s old nude bodysuit better than Brit Brit wore it. Cher wore Liberace’s rhinestone pool cover-up better than Liberace wore it. And she topped off that outfit with a heart-shaped red pasty covering up her 67-year-old nipple. Actually, I don’t think her nipple is 67 years old. Cher is probably on nipple #4 and the one she’s wearing now is not even a teenager. Or she’s not wearing a pasty and her nipple is red, heart-shaped and covered with tons of fucking sequins. I’d believe that.

 

Pics: Wenn.com

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