The diamond-encrusted French-Canadian nightingale can usually be found belting out musical notes of gold into the ears of her fans in Las Vegas, but she is now sharing her magnificence with the world while promoting her new album Encore Un Soir. Last night, Celine Dion fluttered into The Tonight Show and played that game where a guest and Jimmy Fallon take turns doing a totally off the cuff musical impersonation that they totally didn’t rehearse beforehand.
Celine delivered her best Cher (which sounded like Celine Dion with laryngitis), her best Sia (which sounded like a Valley Girl Celine Dion) and RiRi. The international treasure got up out of her seat and sang out a mash-up of Work and Row, Row, Row Your Boat while trying to twerk. Watch as Celine works that ass and vocal cords:
That twerk is a little “puppy with worms rubbing its puppy ass against the wall,” but since this is Celine Dion doing it, I will declare her the GREATEST (French-Canadian million superstar) TWERKER IN DA WORLD! And here’s pictures from this morning of Celine Dion looking like a disco ball going to a casual business meeting while performing on Today.
Fox put out the newest trailer for their version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which comes out this Halloween. They should’ve kept it. Or at least kept most of it. I’ll take the parts with Tim Curry and Rocky’s nipples.
Fox farted up a bunch of pictures of their take on Rocky Horror back in May, and it looked like they took the beloved cult classic, hosed that bitch down with ammonia, scrubbed the dumpster gravy and dried cum stains off it, plopped a fresh-out-of-the-package new wig on its head and sprayed it down with glitter-infused Febreze. Rocky Horror is an old dirty whore that didn’t need cleaning up, but that’s what Fox did. And the new trailer confirms it. They even added an audience…. It’s just a jump to the left and a step to the right to cry in the corner over what Fox did!
I get it. It’s primetime TV. Fox is in the business of making that money and they want to deliver a Rocky Horror the whole family can enjoy! I know Fox thought about the children, but did they think about us, the growns who love that beautiful piece of trash of a movie? What’s more damaging? A child seeing a broke down, messy Frank-N-Furter say, “A mental mind fuck can be nice.” Or a grown seeing a polished and clean Frank-N-Furter say, “A mental mind fudge can be nice.” Children can take the shock of hearing a shocking curse word, They’re young and their organs are new! We’re all old with raggedy organs. We can’t take the pain of seeing a sanitized Rocky Horror. THINK OF THE OLDS, FOX. THINK OF THE OLDS!
No, that isn’t a picture of the longtime member of Dlisted family that we lost. I’m leading with a video of a Frenchie mime swimming in an empty pool, because 3 out of the 4 last e-mails jack-n-the-hat sent me were about dogs. The other e-mail was a story about Parasite Hilton (with the note: “PS – I’d still knock the shame outta of Paris’ ass…”), but I don’t think even he would want me to lead with her!
This morning, I found out the awful and sad news that veteran, black-belt Dlisted commenter jack-n-the-hat died. jack-n-the-hat stuck with Dlisted and was a commenter for I don’t even know how long. Years and years. Not only did he regularly make the comment section a better, funnier and messier place, he was one of Dlisted’s very first guest bloggers.
I tell this story to nearly every new writer that starts on Dlisted, because it’s one of my favorites and highly relevant to them. When jack-n-the-hat first guest blogged for me during my vacation, the whole “guest bloggers on Dlisted” thing was pretty much brand new territory. But he jumped right in. Getting hate comments thrown at you goes with the territory and Jack got some in the posts he wrote. The morning after his first or second day guest blogging, I woke up to my inbox overfilled with e-mails with his name in the subject. I wondered if he did something unthinkable like write a 1,400 word ode to Paris Hilton’s beauty or some shit. (This was pre-Kartrashian days.)
Jack also sent me an e-mail so I read that first. In the e-mail, he apologized a million times and explained that he couldn’t take the hate comments anymore and lost it. Turns out that the night before, Jack HAD. IT. and posted a full-on post where he told the commenters throwing hate at him to fuck off. It was a middle finger wrapped in a middle finger. He deleted it a quick second later. I laughed so hard that the paint on my walls chipped and there’s probably still a ringing in my dog’s ears. It was classic and we laughed about it after.
Jack was one-of-a-kind and Dlisted won’t be the same without him.
Rest in peace, Jack, and thank you.
I almost called this squirrel kitten a “squirrtten,” but this is a family post, which is why I also won’t make a “squirrel rubbing on pussy” joke.
After posting about horrific crap like Bill Cosby, Roger Ailes and the Kartrashians, we need a Hazmat-grade palate cleanser, and since a video of Idris Elba playing patty cake with a puppy friend doesn’t exist yet, we have to settle for the next best thing: this viral video of an imposter trying to be slick by passing itself off as a kitten.
Bethe Gettle of Pine Grove, PA brought another “squirrel who thinks it’s cat” story into our lives by sending a special video to her local news station WGAL. Bethe says that for the past week, a squirrel has been cuddling up to a litter of kittens in her friend’s backyard. This squirrel’s kitten disguise sucks (like bitch didn’t even try), but at least it has the act down. It is relaxing just like a kitten, while thinking to itself, “I’ve got these dumbasses fooled.”
Bethe added this note on FB:
“Giving everyone a positive story from backyard USA was exactly the goal when I shared this video. Yes typically speaking, a squirrel would usually be dinner for the cat. In this rare case, the squirrel isn’t dinner.”
Why did Bethe have to put that dark-sided thought into my brain? My brain was almost cleansed after watching that bit of love, and now I’m picturing the mom cat eating the squirrel and mouth feeding her leftovers to her pussy chirrun. No, no, that’s not going to happen. That squirrel will be raised a cat and will be adopted by a loving family who will pimp it out on Instagram and force it to star in a shitty Lifetime Christmas movie. In other words, that squitten is going to have a real happy ending!
Don’t ask me what a “safari pimp” is. Since when do I have one clue about what the hell comes out of my fingers? But if I had to guess, I’d say a safari pimp is a safari tour guide who takes tourists out into the wild by day and turns out lion, zebra and gazelle ass onto the stroll by night. It’s The African Queen meets The Mack.
Usually when a creepy, mustached man is flexing his thighs in shorts on the streets of Manhattan, everyone says, “Geraldo, Geraldo, we get it, you’re hot, put it away, pepaw.” But over the weekend, it was Jake Gyllenhaal who brought his hot thighs to the streets while looking like Freddie Mercury in Brian Fellow drag. Jake, South Korean actress Seo-Hyeon Ahn and the goddess of aliens Tilda Swinton covered the streets of the Financial District in Manhattan with even more layers of foolery while shooting Okja, the latest movie from Bong Joon-ho, the director of Snowpiercer.
Based on these pictures, you may think that Okja is about a young Tom Selleck who takes a break from his job as a ringleader at a Boy Scouts-themed circus to team up with one of Sia’s brain cells (played by Tilda) to kidnap a Korean girl. But according to IMDB, this is what Okja is about:
A young girl named Mija risks everything to prevent a powerful, multi-national company from kidnapping her best friend – a massive animal named Okja.
So in other words, it’s about my last acid trip.
But it doesn’t matter what Okja is about because: Tilda + Jake as a jazz hand-wielding 70s Indiana Jones on meth = get that movie on my eyes now!
Michael K e-mailed the link to this video to me with the subject heading of “Metro Station in concert.” Rude and incorrect. Trace Cyrus could never rock out like this. Look at these horsies thrash! It looks like these dudes in the car just rolled up and let them freestyle to the music. Metal is going to make a serious comeback, and it’s going to be due to these equine Pantera stans. The animal kingdom is so ahead of these things.
Why can’t I ever make stuff like this work? Recently, I myself pulled up beside a cow pasture, rolled down the window, and started blaring “Glass & Patron” by FKA twigs. Not one of those lazy heifers started duck-walking or death-droppng. Horses are obviously a lot less uptight than bovines.
Earlier I said that graphic artists must be rejoicing over Brit Brit Spears coming back with new music that she’ll maybe promote by posing in magazine photos that will need to be Photoshopped to the ends of the earth and back. But well, those smiles on the faces of graphic artists quickly turned to sad frowns when they saw this cover of Clash Magazine. Mariah Carey is looking way too real and I doubt she was even touched by one Photoshop tool. Mimi’s magazine covers can usually be found in the fiction section of Barnes & Nobles, but this one is going in the non-fiction section, because it is that real. Adobe stock is probably going to tank thanks to this!
But seriously, that cover is giving me “Promise of a New Day” Paula Abdul in a funhouse mirror. I can’t ever hate on Mimi, though, because she has to keep her crown as the Queen of Photoshop. I also can’t hate on her, because she’s teaching us a really good trick in that picture. When you really want to keep your “bad side” from ending up in the pictures, don’t even give the photographer a chance to capture it. Cover your bad side with your weave, and pose, pose, pose with carefree confidence, dahling!
And here’s Mimi living the opulent life while walking with Billionaire Shrek on David Geffen’s yacht in Ponza, Italy last week.
Kristen Stewart is smiling, and she’s probably smiling because she knows that the pile of WTF on her body is making you want to barf through your eyes, and your pain pleases her. It powers her dark orb of a heart. Meanwhile, as Kunty Karl laid sprawled out on a bed of his naked man slaves after sucking the blood out of them, he cackled into the air over the fact that Kristen Stewart actually wore that horrifying toilet baby of a Medieval Times and the wedding dress of a 70s cult bride. Kunty Karl was just joking when he told her to wear it! In case you mistook that logo below her crotch for the Airbnb logo, it’s actually the Chanel logo. So that monster came from the evil mind of Kunty Karl.
Last night was the NYC premiere of Woody Allen’s Cafe Society, and KStew showed up looking like an Emo toddler playing around in her mom’s dress, and yes, her mom is an Amish dominatrix. It’s as if Kunty Karl got his minions to sew together a dusty Gunne Sax dress from the Salvation Army and pieces from a really cheap Game of Thrones costume.
Putting Kristen Stewart in this dress has to be one of Kunty Karl’s greatest works of evil, and that’s saying a lot. I love him for it!
Here’s more of KStew looking like Fifty Shades of the Sherwood Forest as well pictures of Blake NotSoLively looking like 1960s Pregnant Barbie and Parker Posey showing them all up by giving us 1980s soap opera villainess.
That loud, messy cry you hear is John Travolta wailing after seeing Mickey Rourke show him all the way up in the wig department at last night’s premiere of The Infiltrator in NYC.
If anybody else was wearing a wig at last night’s The Infiltrator premiere, they definitely ripped it off, called it a night and waved down a cab as soon as they saw Mickey Rourke sashay onto the red carpet with a gorgeous frazzled skunk on top of his head. I’m not sure if that skunk on his head is trying to escape (because it can’t handle his heat) or if he meant to wear his wig that far back. Whatever the case may be, Mickey has definitely created a trend and soon everybody will be wearing their wigs all jacked-up like that. It’s like Mickey is daring a jealous bitch to try to snatch his wig, because he knows that if they try to snatch it, his skunk wig will bite back.
And maybe it’s just me (it is), but Mickey’s hairline reminds me of the hairline on Baby Abuelita:
Anything that reminds me of Baby Abuelita is forever a good thing.
Here’s more of Mickey giving you “church granny on a budget” from the neck up and “steampunk lesbian on a budget” from the neck down. I threw in pictures of others who were at last night’s premiere, but who cares about them. The only thing that matters is Mickey’s beauty!
As with everything, my thoughts about this are best expressed through the face that our Patron Saint of Life, Bea Arthur, is making.
The only covers of “Thank You For Being A Friend” we need are Betty White’s death metal version and the porn version, but indie nymph St. Vincent decided that the ears of the world really needed a version that’d make you want to drop your forkful of cheesecake, go out to the lanai, lay down on the tiles and wait for the earth to swallow your body whole.
St. Vincent took “Thank You For Being A Friend” sucked every milliounce of joy out of it and stuffed it with a hundred hipster frowns. Since I think of everything in terms of dick, if “Thank You For Being A Friend” was a peen, it’d be a tall, hard, happy one and its lips would always be smiling. St. Vincent transformed it into a soft, cold, grey, depressed one who is always lying on its owner’s thigh and only lifts its head to groan at the sunshine. Listen and weep:
— St. Vincent (@st_vincent) July 11, 2016
No, there are no words in St. Vincent’s dirge cover, but if there were, one lyric would go like this: “And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see me creeping everyone out by crying in the corner while petting your cat.”
The hell kind of GD Golden Girls theme song is that?!
The most played song in my iTunes is a song by Atomic Kitten, so I’m not the one to be judging music, but no to St. Vincent’s cover. If I ate a whole cheesecake, put on a silky caftan and farted into a recorder while standing in front of a fan, it would probably sound more like “Thank You For Being A Friend” than St. Vincent’s version does. I guess that’s the point, but she should still be jailed for that!
The good news for St. Vincent is that when Hollywood eventually stomps on what’s left of our souls by turning the Golden Girls into a depressing drama directed by Lars Von Trier, her cover can be used for the closing credits.