Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By Prince William And Duchess Kate Eating Peen Clams

September 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Prince William and Duchess Kate, the hardest working Brits in the universe, are still working hard on their week-long tour through British Columbia, and yesterday, they rewarded themselves for all the labor they’ve done by filling their royal mouths with dick… shaped…. clams. Duchess Kate apparently has a rule where she doesn’t eat at public events, because she doesn’t want the photographers getting jacked-up pictures of her looking like she just tasted rotten spooge (see: jacked-up pictures below of DK looking like she just tasted rotten spooge). But Duchess Kate broke that rule at The Taste of British Columbia Festival in Kelowna when she and her man were served delicacies like geoduck. In case you don’t already know, geoduck is more like geoDICK, because it looks like this:


Duchess Kate nibbled on it a bit and probably made reporters choke on the laughs they had to keep down when she said this about it:

“There is a slightly firmer texture to this. It’s really unusual. I’ve never seen it before. It’s so fresh from the sea.”

Duchess Kate and Prince William really need to take a master class in how to royal from Prince Hot Ginge. Because if PHG was at this event, he would’ve given the people what we really want by licking the tip of a geoduck while winking. A real seasoned and professional royal cares about the people and cares enough about them to give them fapping material!

Pics: Splash, Evergreen State College

Open Post: Hosted By The Reporter Giving A Lot Of Thanks To A Bitch

September 27, 2016 / Posted by:

And my other MVP of debate night is this proud graduate of the Journalism School Of Bitch Don’t who put her training to work when she told a bitch off as they all scrambled inside. Sorry, Sue Simmons, but I have a new favorite journalist!

Before the main event between Trump and Clinton went down last night, a mini pre-fight happened between my hero and another lady. The Daily Telegraph says that my Not The Icon is Al Jazeera English reporter Kimberly Halkett. While trying to get an interview with billionaire Mark Cuban, Kimberly was pushed and she responded by turning around before delivering the line of the night: “Thanks a lot, bitch!” It’s a damn shame that Bravo didn’t take advantage of this fuckery election and put out a new show called Real Newsreporters of the Election, because Kimberly definitely would’ve been the Shannon Beador.

“Thanks a lot, bitch” isn’t only the line of the night, it’s the line of the election. Actually, it’s the line of the entire year, because the only thing I really have to say to 2016 is: Thanks a lot, bitch!


Open Post: Hosted By Justin Theroux Doing An Impersonation Of STAINS

September 26, 2016 / Posted by:

I can only give Justin Theroux’s STAINS impersonation a C since he didn’t perfect it by making Jennifer Aniston hold up a platter full of cupcakes in front of him.

As Brangelina’s marriage gets buried under a pile of dead cherubs who lost their will to live after the meaning of everlasting love died, Jennifer Aniston and her wedded piece Justin Theroux went out to dinner in NYC. Justin, who wore a look straight from Hot Topic’s Cool Dad collection, is probably bulgy -eyed like that, because his skinny jeans are suffocating his low-hanging huevos and he’s feeling the pain.

Or maybe, just maybe, Justin’s eyeballs are trying to escape out of their sockets because his head is slowly exploding as the paparazzi shower them with flashes while asking Jennifer if she’s holding on to her man so tight because that home wrecking viper hussy Trampelina HOlie is single again and is going to snatch Justin up! No, the paps would never!

Pics: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Two Monkeys Having Sex On A Guy’s Head

September 24, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s just like that old saying goes: some days you’re the got-to-have it monkey doing it on a human’s head, some days you’re the human they’re doing it on.

This seems like the kind of story that should be coming out of Florida and accompanied by a picture of a dude in a gift shop buying a shirt that says “I Got Humped On at Horny Monkey World“, but it’s actually from India. According to The Daily Mail, this accidental act of primate love happened at an Indian monkey sanctuary. A cute bearded tourist decided he really wanted a monkey crawling all over him, so he lured it up there with a piece of fruit. Not too long after, another monkey decides to hop on up. But that second monkey wasn’t interested in fruit; that second monkey wanted to get down with the first monkey. Second monkey didn’t even set the mood first with some sensual banana-scented candles, he just got right to humping. And it all happened on cute bearded tourist’s head and shoulders. Ironically, that could also be the name of the shampoo he used to scrub all the monkey jizz out of his hair after they were done.

I don’t feel too bad for that human; I’m sure having two animals get busy on you your head is a sign of good luck somewhere. The creature I feel most badly for is that first monkey. There she is, trying to enjoy her fruit in peace, and that second monkey jumps in like “Hey babe, let’s do this.” Jesus, at least let her finish her dinner first!

(via Death and Taxes)


Open Post: Hosted By Nyle DiMarco’s Furry Nips

September 23, 2016 / Posted by:

After this damn week, what we all need is to lay our heads on a luscious pillow of chest fur, and two-time reality show champion (Dancing with the Stars and America’s Next Top Model) Nyle DiMarco has graciously provided that. Nyle is now in Las Vegas where he’s summoning coochie cream geysers and causing genital seizures by thrusting his crotch for a crowd of screaming ladies in the Chippendales show at the Rio for a limited time.

One of my gay friends went to the Chippendales show in Vegas once, and said that it was on the tame side and only chicks were brought on stage for a lap dance. That’s a dealbreaker. I mean, yes, I’d want to see Nyle DiMarco sway his wolf nipples and hump the stage while wearing Spandex chonies. But no, I do not want to be escorted out of the venue by Martha Plimpton after I ask the manager, “When does tea bagging time start?



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