Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By Derek Hough Doing Some Topless Shopping

August 20, 2017 / Posted by:

This makes me support the “Free the Nipple” movement now more than ever. Why can’t the ladies engage in this sort of vain tomfoolery?

Here’s Dancing with the Stars’ hot stepper Derek Hough out shopping in Studio City, CA. Can we assume thermometers were exploding that day and flinging mercury everywhere? The incredible heat must have been making Derek incredibly thirsty. He’s walking around with no shirt on! But no one else is! Does the west coast not have that “no shirt, no shoes, no service” deal with their stores?

It’s just fine for Derek to show off his Teutonic body game for the paps. But I do it over at the mall and I have two cops tazing me in front of the Gap Outlet. Discrimination!

Check out more pics of Derek and his chest engaging in retail therapy in the gallery below.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By Miley Cyrus’ New Video

August 18, 2017 / Posted by:

There’s a lot to like about Miley Cyrus‘ video for “Younger Now.” I made a list:

– There’s a puppet.
– She hangs out with what looks like an elderly, gender-fluid biker gang.
– She’s not naked on a wrecking ball.
– No one’s twerking.
– Her backup dancers are all of a certain age.
– The fact that no one’s twerking should be mentioned again.
– The Gravitron!

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Open Post: Hosted By Madonna Forgetting The Lyrics To Her Own Song

August 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Madonna turned 59 yesterday and she celebrated by posting a feisty video of herself and her wobbly boobies singing “B-Day Song” off her MDNA album. She forgot the lyrics, though. There is an opportunity here to make some sort of ageist joke about how she’s approaching senior citizenhood, so it makes sense that she’s forgetting lyrics now. But I won’t make it, goddamnit! I’m going to be 59 someday. So are you! Birthdays are stupid and Madge proves that we can keep rockin’ forever. As long as we have the correct Instagram filters because her face is as smooth as porcelain. It actually might be porcelain. She’s a billionaire, she can afford all the latest. Like that Willy Wonka as a My Little Pony jockey outfit she’s wearing.

And she doesn’t have to worry about people giving her the business for forgetting the lyrics to that song. Because I’m pretty sure people don’t remember that song or that that MDNA record.

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By Judge Judy And The Case Of Good Boy Baby Boy

August 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Everybody knows that dogs are shady as fuck. My dog Professor Owen (RIP) used to pull some real cold-blooded shit on me. He had selective hearing and would ghost me at the dog park all the time. He humped legs, even worse, he once humped a young boy who was on his hands and knees playing. He stole a hot dog from a childโ€™s hand and horked it down in seconds. He somehow managed to get up on the dining room table and eat an entire pecan pie which I was planning on eating as my post Thanksgiving breakfast pie. Heโ€™d eat cat shit and then lick your face. Once he disappeared and I found him on my neighbors ROOF looking for a damn squirrel. He was a real asshole and I loved him to bits.

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Open Post: Hosted By Taco Bell’s Naked Egg Taco

August 15, 2017 / Posted by:

Things don’t bode well for your food grosstrosity if even the title makes you want to boot into the nearest trash can. Taco Bell is known as the purveyor of such fine and healthful dishes as the Firecracker Burrito, Naked Chicken Chips (what’s with this naked theme – it’s icky), and the Fried Chicken Chalupa. And they continue to turn the fast food world on its ear and put your toilet on suicide watch with their latest offering! They’ve just introduced the Naked Egg Taco. It’s a taco with a fried egg as the shell. Mashable has the rundown on this latest edible(?) WTF.

“Created with a masterful shell made entirely of a fried egg, the Naked Egg Taco flips the breakfast classic inside out.ย The reimagined breakfast taco delivers a mouthful of crispy potatoes, bacon or sausage, and cheese tucked in a fried egg.”

Taco Bell began serving breakfast in 2014, and this is the latest addition to their morning assault on your bowels menu. It just looksโ€ฆ unseemly. And greasy. Fried eggs are greasy, right? And what is making the fried egg stay firm enough to hold a load (pun intended) of sausage, potatoes, and cheese? What did they shellac that egg with so it would serve this unholy duty?!?

Let’s put it this way. The other Mr. Harvey is a bear-type who would eat balsa wood if it was breaded, Buffalo-sauced, and came with ranch. And even he was like “that’s too weird-looking to eat.” No to the Naked Egg Taco.

Pic: Twitter

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