And just like that, an enthusiastic Cumberbitch/Furry crossover subculture called Cumberbears was born.
During a recent appearance to promote Black Mass on The Graham Norton Show, Benedict Cumberbatch confirmed what the internet has been saying for years: that he looks like a damn otter. To prove that Benedict is just a few DNA chains short of reaching out to his long-lost cousin Emmet and asking if he can join his jug band this Christmas, a couple pictures of otters were thrown up and Benedict did his best impression of them. To be fair, they might not even have been his best impressions; dude looks so much like a water puppy that even his worst impression would have had the audience screaming “OMG TWINS!!!!”
But the best part, by far, was Johnny Depp’s reaction. Johnny was looking at Benedict in the same profoundly confused way he looks at a bar of soap or a hat without holes; just a whole lot of “the FUCK is this??” Which is so weird, because if anyone on that couch looks like a dead-ringer for a greasy wet otter, it’s Johnny Depp.
“It’s…it’s beautiful” whispered reigning pap-flipping queen Kristen Stewart, as she wiped away a single tear with her middle finger.
While leaving her apartment with her dog friend Pippi the other day, Jennifer Lawrence reminded us that she’s still America’s cool no-fucks-given older cousin by greeting the photographers waiting outside with a subtle “fuck you“. Ah, the sneaky holding-a-latte middle finger; truly one of the more sophisticated of bird flips.
I don’t know why JLaw’s exit required a middle finger, but I will say this: if she was pissed off about the paps waiting outside for her, she could have easily distracted them by letting her dog walk out first. That adorable old man-faced dog would have stolen every last ounce of spotlight from JLaw, thus letting her slip past everyone unnoticed. Hell, she could have waltzed out the front door in full Katniss drag holding her Oscar in one hand and a piece of pizza in the other, and all the paps would be like “Out of the way, you’re blocking the dog!” Always let Pippi walk first, and you’ll never have to worry about people taking your picture ever again!
For some reason, living Dream Phone card Tom Brady celebrated Thanksgiving by dressing up as what can only be described as the overcooked nightmare baby of a sausage from the sixth inning Milwaukee Brewers Sausage Race and a pierogi from the Pittsburgh Pirates Great Pierogi Race and hid in a pile of leaves to scare two of his children. And then when he realized that scarring two people for life wasn’t enough, he uploaded a video of it all on Facebook and continued to traumatize a bunch of strangers as well. Thanks, Tom!
I don’t know if Tom slipped into that creepy turkey costume before or after dinner, but let’s hope it was after. Otherwise, I can only imagine how awkward things got while they were going around the table and saying what they were thankful for. “I’m thankful…that my parents are rich as hell, because I’m going to need a couple thousand dollars worth of therapy after that leaf pile prank.”
On the upside, Gisele Bundchen totally has a new disguise for her next incognito visit to the plastic surgeon.
You know you want to gobble gobble on her turkey. You bring the gravy.
If you celebrate National Shove Forty Five Pounds Of Food Into Your Face Hole Until Your Ass Explodes Day, then you’ll soon be getting drunk on the sweet nectar while watching Showgirls on your iPhone as your drunk tia keeps interrupting to tell you that you look healthier and more filled out. (“Healthier and more filled out” is aunt-speak for, “Bitch, you got fat.“) So before the festivities start, I just want to say that I’m thankful for the sweet nectar, Showgirls, jellied cranberries, one hitters and you. I am thankful that you’re crazy and masochistic enough to read this site.
And I’m also thankful for Dlisted’s Patron Saint, 99 Cent Store plastic wrap, half-price Thanksgiving decorations at Party City and paps who show up after Phoebe Price calls them for a stunning photo shoot in front of a sheet in her garage. All of those things made this cornucopia of elegance happen. PP looks like a cross between an overcooked slutty turducken and wrapped-up Skanksgiving leftovers. PP really is a master artist who has captured the true spirit of the holiday.
Open Post is going up sooner than usual today, because I know that many of you are leaving your job early to spend hours preparing for Skanksgiving dinner tomorrow. And by “spend hours preparing” I mean that you’re going to buy a can of jellied cranberries, a box of instant mashed potatoes and a pre-made turkey at the grocery store before going home to make a fresh loaf of coochie yeast sourdough and watch porn while getting drunk.
So here’s a little known indie artist named Adele doing an unknown song called “Herro” with The Roots and Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show last night. SPOILER ALERT: That thing she’s holding up to her ear isn’t a big slice of green apple. It’s a flip phone. That little fact really disappointed me.
No, these aren’t pictures from the Fighting the Hot Grand Championships of 2015. These pictures are from last night’s NYC premiere of The Big Short where Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling showed off the matching hairstyles they obviously got from Johnny Depp’s stylist.
I’m not even sure if this is the real Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling. Brad Pitt looks like what you would get if you put pictures of Aaron Sorkin, Suze Orman, Sliding Doors Goopy Paltrow and current day Johnny Depp in baby morphing software. That hair is either a 90s Nick Carter wig or that grey hair he had on his head the other day was a $2 Anderson Cooper wig from the Dollar General. And Ryan Gosling!
Ryan Gosling needs to pull out his phone and immediately delete the number of the trick who painted up his face like that. That’s a look that a goth high school kid would put together using baby powder and an old eyeliner pencil he stole from the back of his mother’s bathroom cabinet. Dude’s makeup is very newbie emo kid and it’s a tragedy. Ryan should cancel everything and immediately have an emergency FaceTime session with Jeremy Renner, because Hawkeye will teach him how to properly tame and work an eyeliner pencil.
Not pictured: Volunteers from UNICEF who are standing by with jugs and waiting for Salma Hayek’s suffocating tits to explode so they can collect her miracle chichi leche and feed it to dozens of starving orphans.
Last night in London, Salma Hayek went to something called The Evening Standard Theatre Awards and I bet that the people who went to that event couldn’t even tell you who won awards or what happened. The only thing they remember is Salma Hayek’s squeezed honeydew titty sacks. Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis will make a ho forget everything.
Thanks to that ugly clown collar, Salma’s tits look like two face-less babies in bonnets sleeping next to each other. They also look like overfilled water balloons lying on a table and the next time I’m at a family party and see overfilled water balloons lying on a table, I’ll have to resist the urge to motorboat them.
And here’s more pictures of Salma Hayek’s TITS as well as pictures of Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Kate Beckinsale and Ralph Fine-ass looking like the most charming flasher ever.
Miley Cyrus released her latest “Ah am so crazy, y’all!” music video earlier today for a song called “Lighter“, which is obviously the first thing she grabbed before making it. When I described it as a Lisa Frank fever dream, I mean it is literally what the Lisa Frank Bear sees when he tries to bring a fever of 104.6 down with an entire bottle of NocheTussin. Or what Miley sees when her regular dealer goes on vacation and she’s forced to buy weed from H. R. Pufnstuf (you know, after he was caught selling weed to Witchiepoo and kicked out of office by the citizens of Living Island).
I will say this: if you put the video on mute, it is sort of soothing. It’s like watching a 90s screen saver. Of course, if you really want the full 90s computer experience, open a new tab with the ICQ sound playing on a loop while repeatedly unplugging your internet connection.
And because it’s not a Miley post without some pictures of her looking like a straight-up mess, here she is performing in Detroit last night.
Yes, I said “pizzazz” – I love a sassy mop of salt and pepper hair.
Brad Pitt is currently in Berlin filming that War Machine movie, which means he’s back to looking like an IKEA As Is section Anderson Cooper. The last time we saw Brad Pitt, he was working his signature greasy DILF look at the WSJ Innovator Awards two weeks ago. So is it a wig? Is it some Just for Men – Touch of Grey trickery? Whatever it is, I don’t hate it. Like, yes, he looks like a wealthy creep from a Lifetime movie. But he’s also sort of looks like what you’d get if mid-90s Brad Pitt ended up marrying Gwyneth Paltrow, quit showbusiness, moved to a gated community in Greenwich, Connecticut and became a dentist who makes all his patients call him “Doctor B“.
Here’s more of Brad looking super young in the face (maybe his character is fighting a war against wrinkles?) and old everywhere else while filming War Machine.
On last night’s episode of that lip-synching show that’s not RuPaul’s Drag Race, two magical things happened:
1. Anthony Mackie stripped down to a Spandex onesie while mouthing his lips to MC Hammer’s 2 Legit 2 Quit and his calzone titties quickly stole the show by bouncing up and down as he served up some hot moves. Those jumping chest dumplings hypnotized me into motorboating the screen.
2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt nailed his Rhythm Nation Janet Jackson impersonation right down to the rouge that made it look like heavenly angels scooted across his cheeks right after they went caca. JGL gave it like he’s been waiting for this day since his 8-year-old self danced to Rhythm Nation in front of his bedroom mirror.
LL Cool J is probably stunned, because his tip got moist from seeing JGL as Janet Jackson and he doesn’t know how to process that.