If you’re having a difficult time trying to guess what that weird tape shape thing Bai Ling is pointing at on her chest is, I think it’s supposed to be a key. It’s okay, I was too distracted by her beauty as well.
In case you’ve forgotten, Bai Ling is an actress (well, at least until Professional Sexy Lady becomes a recognized career) and her latest movie The Key was screened at The Real Experimental Film Festival in Hollywood last night. Having your movie screen at a film festival is a pretty big deal for an actress, so obviously Bai made sure to look her best on the red carpet. Bai (Miss Ling if you nasty) wore a custom-made self-adhesive top that she paired with an elegant hand-woven peek-a-boo skirt and chiffon showgirl train. Bai has accessorized her look with the key to her storage locker in the Valley worn around her neck and a playful silk rose stapled to her crotch. I believe the silk rose is either Chanel or Hobby Lobby.
And I hope nobody ate before hand, because Bai is serving up an all-you-can-eat FACE BODY FACE buffet. For real, no shade from me – I checked Wikipedia, and Bai Ling is 48 years old. FOUR-TEE-EIGHT! Literally every one of my wrinkles just curled into the fetal position and started weeping.
Haven’t we all been there? We’ve all seen a dream in the near distance, a dream that seems so close we can touch it. We carefully make plans to make that dream come true and right after we leap for it, gravity fucks with us and we eat floor as some mean ass ho laughs in our faces. Mala the Ferret is all of us. Mala will get it next time. Her ass just needs to watch Outrageous Fortune a few times, because Shelley Long will teach her how to really leap.
Note: No ferret bodies were injured in the making of this video. Ferret egos, however…
Since I have the attention span of a goldfish on coke, I usually fast forward through any viral videos that are more than 3 minutes long, but I watched this one that took over the internet from the hilarious beginning to the hilarious end. It has everything you need in a 6 minute-long viral video. It has memaws, a bong, queef talk and a vaporizer that looks like a big black dildo with a straw sticking out of it.
The one on the left is my inspiration. You know that isn’t her first time around a bong. She’s just pretending she’s not an experienced stoner who tokes from a one-hitter in the bathroom during knitting circle with the other grannies. I almost believed her when she asked, “What’s queefing?” That word has totally come out of her mouth before.
Dorothea, the granny in the middle, tells TMZ that she’s done with riding the green cloud. She also told Animal New York that she thought she would see colors and shit. Please tell me there’s a sequel called “Grandmas Dropping Acid For The First Time” in the works.
This makes me wish I could remember my first time breathing in the good shit. If only all the weed smoke I’ve inhaled over the years didn’t eat that memory from my brain.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run off to Telecharge to buy tickets for Pussy Fart: The Musical.
Or maybe that’s not the scent of romance and passion. Maybe that’s the scent of the vomit that’s coming up Princess Charlene’s throat while kissing Prince Albert in front of photographers. I get the two scents mixed up.
Even though Princess Charlene of Monaco is about 8 months pregnant with an heir and a spare, she’s still got a job to do and has got to make the people think that she and her husband Pierced Peen are dripping with love for each other. Today is National Day in Monaco and Princess Charlene and Pierced Peen celebrated by giving their subjects a heave-worthy kiss show on the balcony of the Palais Princier de Monaco.
Such romance. Such passion. Such genuine love. It almost looks as though Princess Charlene isn’t imagining kissing sweet, sweet freedom and Prince Albert isn’t imagining kissing a delicious cronut. But seriously, Charlene and Albert should’ve flown Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to Monaco to teach them how to bring on the jizz-inducing tingles in a staged kissing photo. Because that picture looks like a bird pecking at a cold clam.
On a positive note, Princess Charlene usually looks like me at the DMV: done with life. But she looks kind of happy here. Pregnancy endorphins are a helluva drug.
Um, you should’ve said stop to the stylist who brought you that outfit.
Evangeline Lilly (aka Kate from Lost aka that ginger elf from The Hobbit movies aka the face of LiveLinks) wrote a children’s book called The Squickerwonkers – Okay, before I go on, let me just say that naming a children’s book after an STD you get from boning Parasite Hilton is HIGHLY inappropriate and just wrong. Moving on, Evangeline Lilly was on The View this morning to promote her children’s book. Suddenly, the Janine from Ghostbusters meets nerdy Selena Kyle costume she’s wearing makes sense.
If you want kids to love your children’s book, you have to do yourself up like a quirky and kooky children’s book author while promoting it. You have to look like you keep a frog in your carpet bag. Zany and frazzled! So Evangeline Lilly is just wearing what she found in her quirky and kooky children’s author starter kit.
And as always, Henry the dog’s look of piping hot fear says everything we want and need to say.
I was at The Grove in L.A. on Saturday, because I like to feel what’s left of my soul drip out of my asshole as I dodge a mob of slow walkers in a commercial hellscape that never ends. Anyway, I was at The Grove on Saturday and wondered why the air smelled like demure subtlety, which strangely enough smells like salted nuts and charbroiled chicken. Well, now I know why. The day before, international supermodel and the Patron Saint of Dlisted, Phoebe Price, was at The Grove putting the LADY in Holiday by massaging a nut out of The Nutcracker.
E.T.A. Hoffman (Yes, his full name is Estimated Time Of Arrival Hoffman), the original writer of The Nutcracker, is up in heaven cracking his own nuts, because it pains him knowing that he can’t rewrite the story he’s known for. If he could change it, The Nutcracker wouldn’t be about some girl’s nutcracker who comes to life, takes down the evil Mouse King and then takes her away to a magical doll kingdom. It would be about a shy and modest ginger superstar with chicken cutlets cheeks who brings a Nutcracker to life by cupping his nuts in the middle of an outdoor mall in L.A. Then they pose for the paps before running off to make a sex tape so they can take their “fame” to the next level.
That’s what The Nutrcacker should’ve been about. That’s Christmas!
Dogs are weird. Some dogs love putting panties in their bellies, other dogs are deathly afraid of flies (see: my fly-hating dog) and then there’s Queso who has a phobia of doorways and will only go ass first through one. Ass first IS a good way to go through life. The video of Queso going butt first through a doorway comes with a slow motion shot and I didn’t really need to see a dog’s ass in slow motion, but at this point anything is better than seeing Kim Kartrashian’s greasy ass again.
Queso’s human says that she’s had him ever since he was a baby dog and he’s always been a scaredy cat trapped in the body of a pit bull:
Queso is afraid of lots of things, like the kitchen floor, the printer, and especially doorways. But Queso is a survivor! He deals with his fear of walking into a room (terrifying!) by walking in backwards.
I’m sure there’s a million theories for why Queso lets his ass walk into a room before he does. (“Queso and me are one, because I let Ashton Kutcher walk into a room before me too!” – Mila Kunis) I’m going to guess that Queso is proud of his moonwalk skills and likes to watch himself in the mirror as he does it. Sure, Queso’s moonwalk needs a little work, but it’s better than RiRi’s moonwalk. Then again, a taxidermied sloth’s moonwalk is better than RiRi’s.
I’ve always wanted to be able to do one thing more than anything else: learn to catch food in my mouth. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with catching shit in my mouth, because it felt like that’s all teenagers on TV were ever doing was throwing popcorn into each others mouths and laughing like it was the most fun thing they’ve ever done. Needless to say, I spent hours trying to catch popcorn in my mouth, but I sucked super hard and would just end up with a face full of kernel lacerations.
Cut to today, and I’m still terrible at catching things in my mouth (“Is that why you never have plans on Friday night?” – Michael K). So I can fully relate to Lucy the clumsy-mouthed golden retriever. Lucy is 10-years-old and she still hasn’t learned how to catch food in her food hole! Every time someone tosses her a delicioso scrap of human food, it either sails over her head or hits her in the face. Don’t worry Lucy, it’s not your fault – sometimes the person shooting has shitty aim. Catching stuff in your mouth is a two-way street!
If I were Lucy, I would be BEYOND pissed if someone was throwing food at me and none of it was going in my mouth, but Lucy stays cool and keeps trying. Lucy is a damn inspiration.
(via Tastefully Offensive)
Jim Carrey has a movie to pimp out and there’s plenty of people who will fuck themselves up to get on TV, so the two got together for a segment on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night. Jim set up a barber station on Hollywood Blvd. and gave people a Dumber and Dumber cut (or in this lady’s case, a Britney circa 2007 cut). The people were supposedly randoms walking by, but please, this was totally set up and they were probably paid, because if the dude who made the decision to date Jenny McCarthy approached you in the street and asked to cut your hair, you’d run until you couldn’t run no more.
If you really want to see Jim Carrey look like a velociraptor on meth while messing up peoples’ hair, here’s all six minutes of it:
Well, now people don’t have to ask Robert Pattinson where he got his busted haircut so they can avoid that place like it’s Kim Kartrashian’s greasy ass. Because now we all know who cut his hair.
Because of your eyes constantly getting slapped with a giant greased-up plastic Christmas ham coming out of a trash bag yesterday, you probably developed a temporary trash bag phobia and couldn’t even get near one out of fear that an oily triple load ass will pop out and swallow you whole. Well, leave it to ginger angel of perfection Julianne Moore to make trash bags safe and friendly again. At the AFI screening of her movie Still Alice in L.A. last night, Julianne wore a dress that looks like it’s made out of recycled trash bags, black tape and a dash of YES. Julianne’s ensemble says Twiggy of the trash heap and that is the look.
Julianne is apparently the frontrunner for the Best Actress Oscar for Still Alice, but I’m not about to get my hopes up. Julianne should’ve won for Safe and I screamed “ROBBED!” when she wasn’t even nominated. Julianne should’ve won for Boogie Nights and I screamed “ROBBED!” when she didn’t win. Julianne should’ve won for Magnolia and I still have scars on my tonsils from the sores I got while screaming “ROBBED! ROBBED! CALL THE POLICE!” after she was not nominated. Her “I sucked other men’s cocks” scene was a revelation. So I’m already spraying WD-40 down my throat, because I fully expect to scream “ROBBED!” again next year when she loses to Jennifer Aniston who will win for not wearing makeup.
Here’s more of ten-time Oscar theft victim Julianne Moore, her co-star Kristen Stewart and an Emo guinea pig that’s leasing space on KStew’s head at the Still Alice screening.