Tonight is the night when many of us will call 911 to report a grand theft robbery after (probably) witnessing Moonlight get shamelessly robbed by a “singing,” dancing and prancing Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling. If you’re a 911 operator and happen to get a call tonight from a crazed and drunken gay dude who is slurring out the words, “It was the ginger and the warbling Canadian dreamboat! I saw them rob Moonlight with my own eyes,” please take my report seriously and dispatch the cops to arrest those thieving tricks immediately.
If you’re planning to play a drinking game while watching all 900 hours of the Oscars tonight and you don’t want your liver to melt and slip out of your asshole, I suggest you take a drink every time La La Land doesn’t win and when a winner doesn’t get political during their speech. But if you really want your liver to melt and slip out of your asshole tonight, then go ahead and take a drink every time La La Land wins and when a winner gets political during their speech. Or just do like I do and stick a bunch of wine corks up your culo so your liver doesn’t slip out and drink the entire time.
I may spit up a few Oscar posts tonight, but Allison and I will cover it all tomorrow.
And now I leave you with pictures of former HSOTD and once reigning Empress of the Oscars Red Carpet (not to be confused with the Queen of the Oscars Red Carpet, Edy Williams), Sally Kirkland wearing one of my all-time favorite Oscar looks in 2007. Sally looked like she was on her way to a funeral for a stripper and got trapped in a deflated hot air balloon. I’m no Sally Kirkland historian, sadly, but my research shows that 2007 was the last time she graced the Oscars red carpet with her charisma, glamour and star power. The other jealous stars probably threatened to boycott if Sally was invited to the Oscars again, because they were sick of her stealing the spotlight from their boring asses. And dear God if Sally Kirkland makes her grand return to the Oscars red carpet tonight, I promise to stay 100% sober throughout the entire show (and yes, I crossed my toes, eyes and ass lips while typing that).
You might be looking for something to soothe your hangover and/or calm your frazzled nerves from all of the creeping terror at hand. We’ve got you! Well, this doggie’s got you. This beautiful pooch is a big believer in DIY. All he needs is for his human to drive his ass to the store. He’ll handle the selection of goods, thank you.
Check out this doggie picking out his own treats and putting them in his own basket. The human’s still going to have to pay, though. Doggie probably has his own wallet, but there’s the annoying absence of hands.
Oh how I missed pictures of George Clooney looking like he’s prairie dogging something major, as Amal Clooney doesn’t notice or care since she’s too busy loving the paps and delivering massive amounts of face, glamour, face, exquisite eyebrows and face to their cameras. I really hope that George kept his moaning about having to shit to a minimum so that Amal could focus on bringing the glamour since one of them has to.
Tonight in Paris, Amal Clooney dressed up her double dome of babies in Atelier Versace to escort her husband to the César Awards (the French Oscars to us Americans). George was there to receive an honorary César for his career, or whatever. Since the French really have an eye for art, I’m going to guess that the career montage that played before Clooney’s speech only contained clips from The Facts of Life, The Golden Girls, Roseanne, Sisters and maybe Out of Sight and Ocean’s Eleven. Who cares about his other crap!
As for Amal’s ensemble, I’m torn. On one hand, she’s dressed like my favorite character from Beauty and the Beast: the feather duster. On the other hand, she’s wearing cream with white and mixing what looks like faux fur with feathers. That’s a major no. The only time I’m kind of okay with seeing fake fur and feathers together is when I’m in the pillow section of a Z Gallerie.
Justin Bieber’s au pair better schedule him in for a refresher course at the Potty Training Academy of Calabasas, because it looks like he forgot to shake after going pee pee times. His au pair also needs to take down his potty training academy certificate from the wall above his toilet, because he doesn’t deserve it!
While looking like a Tyco brand Lil’ Eminen doll, the Biebs strolled to his SUV in West Hollywood, CA yesterday and a paparazzi took video of him and the giant wet spot on his $690 (now just $483!!!) Vetements sweats. Justin Bieber “dated” the wrong Kartrashian. He should’ve dated Kim.
Now, the Biebs could’ve spilled something on his overpriced Walmart-looking sweats, but going with that is no fun, so let’s just say that he pissed himself. It makes for a better host for this OP. “Oh pee,” get it? (“Yes, even a Bieber would get that ‘joke’.” – you)
Justin Bieber is Pissed!!! (VIDEO) https://t.co/FfJdrWF18H
— TMZ (@TMZ) February 23, 2017
The human Pee Pee Doll laughed about this on Instagram, but it wasn’t not funny. The skilled potty trainers who worked so hard to get him to pee on the targets are disappointed and sad. Besides, Fergie pissed on herself better.
Here I was thinking that the most shocking thing to happen to me today would be the fact that I didn’t immediately try to shove my entire head into a turned-on garbage disposal after I discovered that I was out of coffee this morning. (I kept it together and snorted some green tea instead.) But that moment has been outdone by the fact that I’m sitting here praising the fashion stylings of Kristin Scott Thomas of all people!
I don’t think I’ve ever written a full post on Kristin Scott Thomas, but I’m breaking my KST cherry to slow clap for the crazy rich auntie look she worked at The Naked Heart Foundation’s Fabulous Fund Fair in London last night. That charity event is a big carnival, so Kristin Scott Thomas went with the theme by doing herself up as a fortune-telling Florence Welch who was styled by Edina Monsoon (as GoFugYourself pointed out). Kristin Scott Thomas also looks like that girl from Brave after she grew up, moved to Palm Springs and opened up a mid-century antiques furniture store.
And those people in the background are frozen because they saw all that red hair and thought that Jackie Stallone was in front of them. They’re starstruck, obviously!
And here’s more from last night including pics of Karlie Kloss and Liv Tyler who obviously thought the dress code was: BASIC AND BORING!
If you sniff a ton of wig glue fumes and then tilt your head to the side while squinting, Cate Blanchett in glam drag sort of looks like a skinnier and blond Vida Boheme doing Marlene Dietrich.
Last night, Stonewall in NYC hosted a benefit for Newtown Action Alliance, a nonprofit that was started after the Sandy Hook massacre to promote gun control. The benefit was a drag show and since Cate Blanchett pretty much played a drag queen in Cinderella, she fit right in. Cate is currently starring on Broadway in the play The Present, and she used her night off to lip-synch to Dusty Springfield’s version of You Don’t Own Me for charity.
While wearing a tuxedo jacket, a sparkly bra and chonies, Cate worked the room like a casting director for RuPaul’s Drag Race was in the audience and Logo just announced that next season will be the show’s last.
Cate was also on stage when performer Margeaux Powell did Adele’s Hello.
Yes, Cate gave it and was hot, but she better not get any ideas and audition for the next season of Drag Race. Cate already stole an Oscar from Virginia Madsen, (yes, you heard me right!) and she better not steal the Drag Race crown from a queen who has worked for it her whole life. Don’t do it, Cate!