Open Post: Hosted By Kristen Stewart And St. Vincent Making Their
Red Carpet Cobblestone Walkway Debut As A Couple
That looks like a still out of a Harry Potter spin-off movie about the incestuous lesbian love affair between Draco Malfoy’s long-lost hipster sister and Bellatrix Lestrange’s long-lost hipster sister. And yes, it’s directed by Sofia Coppola and Bon Iver scored the soundtrack.
About three weeks after it was rumored that Kristen Stewart’s twat had bid adieu to Alicia Cargile’s cooch and said bonjour to St. Vincent’s poon (Side note: In my mind, KStew’s chocha speaks broken French), the two went public with their love at the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund show in L.A. yesterday.
TenCents has been a thing for about a month, and that may not seem like a long time, but in both Hollywood relationship time and Kristen Stewart time, that’s approximately 8 years. So I’m guessing that in the time it takes me to move my mouse cursor to the “publish” button and click it, a BREAKING NEWS report will pop up saying that St. Vincent was spotted moving her shit out of KStew’s house as KStew’s new piece moves in. And yes, KStew’s new piece will be St. Vincent’s ex Cara Delawhatever. Hey, it’s not Kristen Stewart’s fault for having to get with her ex’s ex. There’s only so many famous and semi-famous hipster gayelles to choose from!
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Off the top of my head, there’s two answers to the question, “How in the hell do you end up folded up like a Choco Taco in a freezer bin?” Answer 1 is: You just did bareback butt sex with Russell Brand and sat in there to stop the burning. Answer 2 is: YOU DRUNK. The second one is most likely the answer to how this British flower ended up ass-first in a freezer at a store.
Reddit (via Death and Taxes) posted a clip of a woman hollering for dear life as she risked getting frostbite of the b-hole. Oh, booze, one second it tells you to get some crisps at the store, and the next second it tells you that getting into a freezer bin is a really funny idea. As her friend tried to shush her up, the drunk mess screamed about how she doesn’t want to be known as the fat girl who dies in a freezer.
Sadly, the girl died in that freezer and her tombstone reads, “She will always be known as the fat girl who dies in a freezer…”
But seriously, she acts like being known as the “fat girl who dies in a freezer” is the worst thing ever. It’s not. If your drunk ass dies in a freezer, you won’t be alive to hear people making fun of you for it. Shitting in a freezer is worse! I mean, sometimes booze gives people the runs and if you got in that position… SPLAT! Suddenly those frozen peas have some gravy to go with them. And you wouldn’t be able to walk down the street without someone pointing at you and saying, “HA! HA! You’re the drunk who shit in a freezer.“
Not to be outdone by the busted 70s ridiculousness that Amal Clooney wore the other day, Jessica Simpson started her Halloween celebrations early by stomping the streets of NYC yesterday while looking like a rejected extra from Madonna’s Deeper and Deeper video. If Charo got sick of being the perfect fashion icon that she is and wanted to show the people that she too fucks up sometimes, she’d wear this disaster. If Married to the Mob took place in the 70s and Lady Miss Kier did the costumes, this is something that Michelle Pfeiffer’s character would wear. Normally, I’d be all about that look, but on Jessica, it’s not working for me. As philosopher Patricia from Joe Versus the Volcano says, “That outfit’s wearing you, Felix.”
And that jacket looks like a pile of dead punk guinea pigs. If that fur jacket is real, Jessica better be careful. Because PETA may bring those dead creatures back to life with black magic and they’ll try to eat the fattened-up worms on her mouth.
On a positive note, New York’s Department of Sanitation thanks her for sweeping the streets for them.
On the left is Cate Blanchett who hasn’t yet let it sink in that a hot new talent has arrived on the scene and soon her career will be over. On the right is Sandra Bullock who has let it sink in that a hot new talent has arrived on the scene and soon her career will be over.
The all-lady Ocean’s spin-off movie titled Ocean’s Eight has started filming in NYC, and today, Cate and Sandra were getting ready to shoot a scene when an attention whore in a ball cap and red chaps rolled on by. If the director knows what’s good, he would’ve immediately cast that pooch in a cameo as Brad Pitt’s character. That pooch probably works for cheaper and it definitely has more charisma and less fleas than Brad.
And yes, Benji’s attention-loving, only child cousin stole the scene from Cate and Sandra, but in their defense, that pooch could steal the scene from absolutely anything and anyone. If a naked Prince Hot Ginge was balancing a Double-Double on his peen and that pooch rolled on by, I’d stop for at least half-a-second to awww at it before going back to PHG.
For a second there, I thought “rockabilly trailer tramp with some Nashville sequins and a little gender mystery thrown in” was the designated look that Lady Gaga and her team slaved over for months to accompany the press blitz for her new album dropping.
I live in a world (Boston) in which Tom Brady can do no wrong. Tom Brady could be mean to Betty White and he’d still remain beloved here in the Hub. Tom Brady had this hairstyle and his every word and action is still celebrated. Let’s put it this way – he’s a Trump fan and people still adore him. The following video is going to be porn to a lot of horny Bostonian Brady fans. Ben Affleck has already adjourned to a private corner of his mansion with his smartphone to enjoy this.
Dude won’t go near a strawberry but candy’s on the menu. Strawberries should take this weirdness personally.
Here’s Tom eating candy in slow motion.
Every Halloween, I go to my “special place” when I break into the kids’ UnReal Candy…
Posted by Tom Brady on Thursday, October 20, 2016