Seen above talking to Duchess Kate who is begging her to come to England to work as the royal family’s stylist since nobody does timeless sophistication like her, Bai Ling walked the ho stroll in Beverly Hills last night while re-defining the meaning of demure.
You can call off the search because your Christmas Day morning outfit has been found. This is the perfect ensemble to wear to pay homage to Jesus. All you need is the following:
1. The cheapest faux leather and fur jacket you can find in the clearance section at Forever 21. Don’t worry about getting one with buttons, because it’s not like you’re going to use them.
2. Instagram leggings. If you can’t find any, just print out your Instagram pictures and glue them to a pair of old pajama pants.
3. The red patent leather platform raver boots you wore when you were Ginger Spice for Halloween 15 years ago. If you don’t have a pair of red patent leather platform raver boots, just use red duct tape to tape two Jackie Collins paperback books to the bottom of your feets.
4. A pair of Tupperware titties. If you don’t have a pair of Tupperware titties, just use double-sided tape to tape two Tupperware bowls to your chest.
Put those four things together and VOILA! You have the perfect outfit that will take you from Christmas breakfast to church!
If you still can’t listen to that weird children’s Christmas song “I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas” without thinking of the desperate Falkor shaking her luck dragon tits like some kind of drunk, horny mom at her kid’s holiday pageant, then here’s an industrial-strength palate cleanser that will hopefully make that song safe again.
It’s Craig Ferguson’s final week as host of The Late Late Show and last night he had on one of his frequent guests, America’s sweetest sweetheart and universal treasure Betty White. Since it’s their last time being together on that show, Craig gave Betty a special gift. The red curtain opened to reveal a choir singing her favorite Christmas song, that hippo shit, and out came a dancing hippo. Betty White does everything better, but she really showed LeAnn Rimes that she does the chichis shimmy a million times better.
Why didn’t I have hallucinations like this when I did shrooms that one time? Why didn’t my brain produce the hallucination of Betty White shimmying next to a gay hippo while wearing sequins? Instead, I ended up with the fear of thinking that the trees were going to eat me and not in the sexy way.
This made my dead heart actually feel something, but I could’ve done without that cameo from Trace Cyrus at the very end. Why do the Cyruses have to ruin everything that’s happy?
Bruno Mars, the Puerto Rican Jewish Morris Day, is still trying to make wearing curlers in public happen.
The funky Hobbit works the “James Brown at the beauty shop” look in the video for Uptown Funk and while performing the song on the finale of The Voice with Mark Ronson last night, he once again got all Beauty School Dropout. Yes, your mother worked it better when she yelled at your brat ass in the booze section of the supermarket as she tried to find the perfect pink wine for the holiday party she hosted that night, but I am all for this look. Bruno really should’ve went all the way by wearing a gold housecoat with gold slippers and halfway through his performance he should’ve pulled off that gold slipper and waved it at the gold brats playing in his hard. This is pimp grandma glamour:
And hopefully for his next performance he really brings on the tingles by wearing these:
Sorry, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, you tried it, but nobody brought the “two freshly bloomed lilies blowing in the spring wind” glamour the way that Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah did in 2011.
London is currently being infected with double the Lohan, because Ali Lohan is now there with Lindsay Lohan. I would feel sorry for London, but we have faulty dildo Piers Morgan, so we’re even for now. Ali and LiLo look like a cross between a modern day, low-rent, public access at 2am version of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? and rejected cast members from The Real Housewives of Long Island. Ali and LiLo spent their night last night terrorizing the Love Magazine holiday party and the Chiltern Firehouse (aka the Chateau Marmont’s just as messy British cousin). So if you were at either of those places last night, you now know who took your stash, purse, coat and ring. If you’re saying to yourself, “No, no, my ring is safe, I’m wearing it.” Look down at your finger. Yup, it’s gone. Bitch is that good.
In some of these pictures, LiLo looks plastered, but I’m sure she’s just relaxed from all the chamomile tea she drank throughout the night and from all the crushed aspirin she snorted to soothe her headache.
And if you’re thinking to yourself that LiLo really needs to go to a Victoria’s Secret and steal herself a bra, you need to stop. LiLo’s tether ball tits are her signature look! Besides, she’s got plenty of support. Her belt is making sure that her boobs don’t hit her knees. So stop the jealousy and get into LiLo’s Newton’s Cradle chichis.
File under: Slow News Day And I Mean That In More Ways That One.
I don’t know how that tortoise ended up on its back. Maybe it’s my kind of slutty tortoise and after it had a missionary-style quickie in the bushes with another slutty tortoise, it couldn’t get up and its fuck buddy left without helping a ho out. Whatever the case may be, that tortoise is lucky to have a friend who always has its Captain-Save-A-Ho cap on. Someone visiting the Taipei Zoo in Taiwan took this thrilling and edge-of-your-seat video of a tortoise helping out another tortoise who accidentally flipped on its shell. Who needs Life Alert when you’ve got a tortoise friend around who’s got your back and doesn’t even expect a thank you for helping your fallen ass out.
And this video probably made Mama June a little nostalgic for the days when she and Sugar Bear were still together. That’s how Sugar Bear used to roll Mama June off of her back after they finished boning.
In case you weren’t aware, professional prom queen Taylor Swift turned 25 yesterday and to celebrate, she had a star-studded birthday party with all her current best friends. Taylor is rich as fuck, and she only hangs around other rich-as-fuck famous types, so it’s safe to assume she scored a ton of sweet gifts. At the very least, she probably walked away with a half-hug from VIP (very important party guest) Beyonce. “Please enjoy this hug from Beyonce, Taylor. It is truly the greatest gift of all. You’re welcome” – Beyonce.
So far, Taylor has only Instagrammed one picture of her haul, and it’s this necklace featuring a picture of one of her two cats given to her by Lena Dunham. Taylor describes it as “my new most cherished possession“, so for those of you looking to score a gently-used Magic Tea Party set, check the dumpster behind Taylor’s apartment building. I’m not sure if I love that necklace or if it’s creeping me out (that cat is serving up some major “The end is near” face), but I do know that Lena better haul ass to whatever cat lady jewelery store she got it at and have a second one made with a picture of the other cat, otherwise she’s going to be on the receiving end of a very large cleaning bill. Cats are jealous as hell, and if one finds out that the other one might be Tay Tay’s favorite pussy, it’s going to take a very messy dump in her most expensive pair of shoes.
Denver, the reigning Empress of Guilt, has returned to once again show Catholics how guilt is really done.
Denver became a viral superstar in 2011 when a video of her perfecting the guilt face after getting caught eating cat treats got millions and millions of views. Denver has returned in a holiday special that is more riveting and has more layers than Grumpy Cat’s Christmas movie. When Denver’s human comes home, he catches her red-mouthed after she ALLEGEDLY ate some Christmas balls. I almost screamed “What’s the number to 911?!” when I saw Denver with a mouthful of red, because I thought she had eaten glass balls. But I’m pretty sure she ate red dyed popcorn balls.
Denver is truly an inspiration. Her one life motto is “I’m sorry and I’d do it again” and she lives it to the fullest. She doesn’t give a fuck while giving a fuck.
And I’ve convinced myself that Denver’s human is Woody Harrelson. I hope I’m right and I really hope that True Detective season 3 is all about Denver and her antics.
Football is as foreign to me as proper grammar and not ending a Friday night by drunkenly crying in a Mr. Bubbles bubble bath, so I barely know who tight end Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots is. But rip that hot piece’s shirt off and throw an adorable kitten hat on his head for an ESPN photo shoot and suddenly I’m paying attention. A shirtless, buff, derpy bro brick + kittens = a win for everybody.
P.S. – Nobody and nothing looks like a Gronk the way Gronk looks like a Gronk.
The good news is: At yesterday’s The Hollywood Reporter’s Women in Entertainment breakfast in L.A., Lea Michele didn’t nearly pull her face muscles by contouring her mug into weird sexy expressions like she normally does. Lea smartly took the advice of the person who told her that nobody wants to see her “constipated, mouth-breathing trout having an orgasm” face and they really don’t want to see it at breakfast times.
The bad news is: Those brows.
Somewhere in The Constitution it needs to say that unless you’re born with big, Groucho Marx-like statement brows, they’re a privilege, not a right. To quote my friend when I bit off the tip of my fingernail and used it to floss my teeth at lunch, “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should…and I really wish you didn’t” Those durr brows are the work of a person who obviously did a rush job. They couldn’t stand listening to Lea Michele go on and on (about herself probably) and they velcroed on those felt brows real quick so they could get out of there. I understand why, but those brows are a wreck. It looks like the right one took a huge chunk out of the left one. They make her look like Darren Criss in lazy drag as Idina Menzel.
Maybe Lea thought that if her brows are big enough to see from space, Jessica Lange will stop for her and won’t mistake her for wall. Jessica Lange wasn’t at yesterday’s event, but if she was, there would’ve been a repeat performance of this Shade Hall of Fame moment:
Jessica Lange would later be heard saying, “Someone should call an exterminator, because that wall I walked past earlier had furry caterpillars crawling on it.”
If Pepé Le Pew lived in real life and died, he would be reincarnated into Sam the Rottweiler. If Penelope Pussycat lived in real life and died, she would be reincarnated into Aaron the grey puss. Because Sam has nothing but gallons of love to lick on Aaron and Aaron is barely tolerating that dog. I haven’t seen a pussy that unimpressed and annoyed since the Fred Durst sex tape.
No, Aaron, who should really change his name to George, is just unsure of their love. Aaron goes back and forth between “Yes, git that spot” to wondering how long before Sam runs out of saliva, because he’s over this love fest and really wants to take a nap in the bathroom sink by himself. If Princess Charlene of Monaco watched this, it would probably remind her a lot of her wedding night.
Yup, that video is definitely more thrilling than Eaten Alive.
Aaron probably hasn’t fully given his love to Sam, because he’s not sure if Sam is loving on him or just marinating him with saliva.
And I just wrote a post about a Rottweiler licking a cat. That’s about as good as my life is going to get.