People have almost died from doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and it’s made silicone flower Pamela Anderson mad, but yet celeb whores are still doing it and they’ll keep doing it until we officially run out of water and our government has to start importing ice cold ocean water from Antarctica so celeb whores can keep doing it. When that ice cold imported ocean water runs out, they’ll find ways to keep doing it. Approximately, 4,895,789 celeb whores have done it and today, Benedict Cumberbatch became celeb whore #4,895,790 to do it. Since Bendadryl is a highly esteemed thespian and a real AC-TOR, he can’t do just a regular, boring, mundane Ice Bucket Challenge video. Benedict’s video is 2 minutes long and is filled with several scenes. It took 2 directors, 4 camera people, 1 costumer, 3 stunt doubles, 1 cinematographer, 3 caterers and a location scout to put it together. I’m surprised that at the end of it, there wasn’t a note stating that all the water was CGI’d in during post-production. It’s like the Gone with the Wind of Ice Bucket Challenge videos.
Does drool count as water? If it does, the drought over! Because while watching their alien amphibian god get splashed in the shower, his Cumberbitches drooled out gallons of drool from every orifice. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge should become the ALS Cumberbitch Drool Challenge since we have plenty of that now.
If you can only stand to watch one more goddamn Ice Bucket Challenge video, watch Patrick Stewart doing it the way it was meant to be done.
If “Sex Shooter“ doesn’t play in Papa Joe’s head when he struts into the club looking like that, he needs to strut back to his car, drive back to his condo, take a good look in the mirror and see the hotness we all see. Because Papa Joe is shooting love, sex and glamour in your direction. Come on play with his affections.
You might not think that following things would look hot together: the sneakers Madonna wears when she wants to be super street, a post-apocalyptic grandma’s shawl vest, oversized black work pants and a luxurious green leather shirt from International Male’s special Christmas catalog in 1985. But those things do look hot together when thrown on Papa Joe’s body. Papa Joe made tips moist and b-holes pucker last night when he flashed a little white belly meat while going to Warwick in Hollywood. This is what you get when you add a mid-life crisis, Jessica Simpson’s credit card and a twinky salesboy who can get a daddy to buy the ugliest and most overpriced crap in the store by saying, “Damn that looks hot on you!”
If Papa Joe’s trying to kill the gay rumors by wearing an outfit that no gay man I know would wear under any circumstance, then it’s kind of working, actually.
Pic: Pacific Coast News
I call shenanigans! There’s no way that’s the real Anna Wintour. That’s obviously a fraudulent Anna Wintour in a Ricky’s wig and Chinatown sunglasses. If that was the real Anna Wintour, one of four things would’ve happened:
1. She would’ve melted.
2. The water would’ve instantly froze as soon as it hit the top of her ice queen bob.
3. The water would’ve never left those buckets, because it knew that if it got Anna Wintour wet, she’d destroy it and its family.
4. She would’ve changed into her original form and multiplied. None of you would be reading this right now, because one of her clones would’ve already hunted you down and dragged you back to her nest with the rest of humanity.
Nice try, Anna.
Because every single celebrity in the universe is doing it, Ben Affleck did the Ice Bucket Challenge and let his wife do the honors. Something tells me that Jennifer Garner has dumped water on Ben’s head before and something tells me she’s done it after he came home late at night smelling like random twat, cigarette smoke and defeat (aka like a night out at the casino). After Jennifer Garner ice bucket’d Ben’s ass, he grabbed her and pulled her into the pool with him. Well, that puts an end to the rumors that she’s knocked up with another baby. If she was pregnant, Ben would never pull her into the pool, because if he did their unborn baby would drown!
Why am I saying “borders on art“? It IS art.
Warning: If you press play on that video, you will not be able to stop singing “denim, boots and pants and boots and pants, haircuuut” over and over again and you’ll sing it as you go to the bus station. You’ll sing it as you buy a ticket to St. Joseph, Missouri. You’ll sing it as you sit on the bus. You’ll sing it as you hitchhike to the East Hills Mall. And you’ll keep singing it until you buy, denim, boots and pants and boots and pants and a haircut. That shit is hypnotizing. And while you’re at the East Hills Mall, tell Miley I said that she’s doing a really good job at hawking backpacks outside of Journey’s. She finally found her calling!
After a shitty week (see: Ferguson, Robin Williams and on and on), what everyone really needs is pictures of Tom Hardy cuddling up to some adorable dog friends. Okay, yes, I would’ve rather the universe soothed us with pictures of a naked Prince Hot Ginge hugging on an Anderson Cooper Real Doll, but I’ll take this.
Last year, awww genes exploded when Tom Hardy used his cooked hot dog lips to kiss on a pit bull puppy and last month, even more awww genes exploded when he kissed on his dog who kept it together by not getting lipstick. Tom Hardy and adorable puppies go together like broccoli and mayonnaise (Side note: Fuck you if you’re calling me gross trash for loving broccoli and mayonnaise. You’re right and wrong at the same time) and he knows this. So on the London set of his movie Legend on Friday, he took a break from filming to get close to some of his fan’s doggies. I really need to harden up more, because I actually awww’d at that dog bathing Tom Hardy’s nose with its tongue and I shouldn’t be. Because a dog licking up mocos is kind of nasty even if the mocos belong to Tom Hardy.
Yes, ever sadder than the fact that we’re still using the word “twerk”. A thoughtful angel was kind enough to film a twerk contest that happened during the Magic Delta Fest in Sfântu Gheorghe, Romania, and all I could think while watching this booty-popping trainwreck was “Sweet sfântu gheorghe, what in the hell is happening here???” It starts off with three dancers who look like rejects from the Eric Prydz “Call On Me” video twerking their bony butts on a busted-looking stage to Jason Derulo’s “Wiggle” like they’re secretly auditioning for Romania’s hottest strip club (you know, the one with the all-you-can-eat sarmale buffet). Then the camera pans over to the audience and you see that the front row is filled with CHILDREN, and all of them looked like they’d rather be brushing their teeth (so gross) or eating their vegetables (SO gross). They were not having any of it.
Honestly, what kind of child responds to an eye-full of piping-hot attempted-twerk action from three very exquisite blonde rhinestones by serving up knee-high side eye? HOW RUDE! Or maybe they’re just in awe of such a tasteful display of artistic elegance. Or maybe they’re so desensitized to seeing women gyrating in thongs at the Magic Delta Fest that it doesn’t shock them anymore. “Hurry up and finish shaking your ass mom, I want to ride the ferris wheel.”
I was all ready to send a “Get Well Soon” card and a bouquet of daisies over to Michael K, but then I saw these pictures of Germany’s own delicate edelweiss blossom Micaela Schäfer attempting to tongue a dollar tree Transformer, and decided it would be redundant to send him two types of flowers, so I’m just going with Micaela. And I’m no longer going to send a card that says “Get Well Soon”, because, again – redundant. He’ll be fully healed after gazing upon the therapeutic power of Micaela Schäfer’s demure beauty and tasteful elegance.
Germany’s professional stripper princess (I think that’s her job) Micaela Shäfer was kind enough to leave her Lucite palace in the sky and help promote something called MTV Music WG, which is like a German Real World web series, but with only three roommates. And for some reason she was accompanied by a giant robot pervert. Maybe they were going for some kind of futuristic Fifth Element theme? It would explain why she was dressed like a slutty low-budget Kardashian version of Ruby Rhod.
And is Micaela planning on running for office in the near future or something, because I have never seen her so covered up. This is the Micaela I’m used to (NSFW or people with an allergy to high concentrations of class). I mean, pants AND a top? Why so stuffy?
Here’s more of Micaela letting a robot feel up her spätzle-stuffed titty balls while promoting MTV Music WG in Tranzbrunnen.
Shhh, nobody wake up the sleeping, elderly long-haired skunk on Mickey Rourke’s head. It’s been tasered several times, dragged through the river by a pack of wild dogs, electrocuted on a fence and forced to listen to a Nickelback album in its entirety. It’s been through a lot and needs to rest. Mickey Rourke is an angel on earth for providing it with a safe haven.
Here’s Chunk’s best friend forever leaving Nello’s in NYC yesterday while looking like a Russian count circa 1858 who traveled to a strange land known as America to live out his dream of becoming an old western pimp in a small town. Mickey Rourke’s ensembles are always next level sharp, but that animal on his head is what got all the attention and made strangers on the street scream for the ASPCA. I don’t know if that’s a wig that’s sinking into his skin or if all those fillers in his face mutated and are eating away at his hair. Whatever the case is, it’s something. Looking like Beethoven after getting a train ran on him in the bushes IS the look.
I see that Joe ManJello and Sofia Vergara, aka the Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuckoo of 2014, have extended their short-term contract. These two were dangerously close to being THAT disgustingly gross couple who wears matching outfits when they showed up to Justin Timberlake’s concert in L.A. last night. I’m going to cover my ears and say “no no no no” over and over again if you tell me that 3 seconds before this picture was taken, the pap screamed at Sofia, “Show us with your hand how big Joe’s erect dick is!” She’s obviously saying, “My trobbing cleeeet gets deez big when Joe does me hard wheeeet his 9 eeeeeeencher.” I’m going with that.
Here’s more of Joe and Sofia (couple name: VerMan?) as well as pictures of Naya Rivera looking like something straight out of “Where In The World Is Naya Rivera’s Original Face?”