On the paparazzi pic sites I troll throughout the day are the following pics: Pippa Middleton arriving at Kensington Palace, Katie Holmes at the 13th Annual Artists Dinner, Jessica Simpson “stealing the scene” in Manhattan, and Gigi Hadid arriving with her entourage to her 23rd birthday party. Your eyelids probably fell into the “so bored so sleepy” position while reading those boring names, but I’m sure they sprung open at the A-list star sighting of the one and only Penny from Showgirls!
Rena Riffel played the pivotal role of Penny (the stripper reincarnation of Albert Einstein who gets knocked up by James) in the #1 movie on AFI’s 100 Greatest Films of All-Time list. (Don’t fact check me on that, it has to be true.) Rena cares about the legacy of Showgirls so much that she produced, directed and starred in an unauthorized sequel called Showgirls 2: Penny’s From Heaven, which we already know since it swept the 2011 Oscars. (Again, don’t fact check me on that, it has to be true.)
These pap pictures of Penny may look like they were taken in an alleyway as she walked to the bus after hosting a 90s goth-themed aerobics class, but they were taken outside of the Avengers: Infinity War premiere in L.A. last night. Rena didn’t walk the carpet, which was very kind of her. Because if she sashayed onto the carpet in that Dior Couture crushed velvet bodysuit and those diamond Cartier necklaces safety-pinned to her neckline and waist, all camera lenses would be on her.
The 5,983,984 actors who are in Avengers better send Rena a million thank you fruit baskets for that.
And here’s more of the multi-talented and humble daffodil last night. I also threw in a bunch of pictures of the others at the Avengers premiere. Photographers obviously only took pictures of them because they were killing time while waiting for Penny from Showgirls to show up.
I’m going to have to go out and get another job doing manual labor out in the NOPE fields in order to harvest enough of them to accurately convey my reaction to the tarantula burger made by Bull City Burger in Durham, North Carolina. In fact, I predict it might ignite a global NOPE shortage the scale of which we have not seen since September. Here’s a hot commodities tip, sell pork bellies and frozen concentrated orange juice, buy NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPES.
This is truly revolting, but I bet some truly perverted pervster out there is slightly titillated. The Graham Norton Show seems to be the choice for celebrities who want to relate their most disgusting stories. For example, remember the Friends episode where Rachel made trifle and the pages of her cookbook got stuck together and she made it with the ingredients of shepherd’s pie? (Jeez, how did that show remain on the air for so long?) Well, Matt LeBlanc (aka Joey) somehow ended up eating the trifle that David Schwimmer regurgitated?
“There was too much on his plate. So he starts to eat it all and he starts laughing, and we cut,” LeBlanc recounted. “We’re cutting, and he spits it back on his plate. I’m sitting right next to him, and I’m looking the other way. I didn’t see him spit it back on his plate.”
So LeBlanc ended up eating it in the next scene they shot. You can get the full story below. You don’t have to, though. No one’s forcing you.
Anti-deceit activist Kanye West is more than just the modern day reincarnation of Søren Kierkegaard. He’s also a genius fashion designer. Have you ever been out on the streets and been intrigued by a man or woman in a neutral-toned leotard that Luke Skywaker’s Aunt Beru would have worn to Hot Figure 4? Kanye did that! And he also does shoes!
Earlier this year, Meghan Markle took a wrecking ball to her Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter accounts, because it is highly uncouth for a British royal to mingle with the filthy peasants on the internet. But even though Meghan buried all her social media accounts, her posts still exist on the internet in other places, and the Instagram archaeologists at Buzzfeed did important work by sifting through them and finding the most valuable artifact ever found.
There are few things more powerful on this earth than three black women of a certain age, standing in a circle. This is called an Auntie Triptych and it has the power to create life, destroy life and hand you a banging plate to go. One does not fuck with an AT, and you don’t summon their powers unless you have a damn good reason. Say for instance, Taylor Swift does a cover of Earth, Wind & Fire’s September, the sacred song of the Aunties. That would be a good reason.
If anybody had any doubts about Taylor’s breathy rendition of the classic and its impact on the culture, this Auntie Triptych offer their official ruling.
These Black Women listening to Taylor Swift’s cover of “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire is SENDING ME 😭😂😭😂😭😂😭 pic.twitter.com/TIFm2137OT
— The Vixen of Gay T W I T T E R✊🏾 (@_TheRealKareem_) April 18, 2018
As you can see, Taylor’s September caused the assembled AT to assume the forms of Pressed, Perplexed and Amused. Pressed, the Auntie in the red vest, probably has Taylor out looking for a switch right now. Perplexed, the one on the left, looks like she just smelled a fart and can’t believe a fart could really be that nasty. Did somebody actually shit themselves in here? Amused will probably wake up cackling for years to come remembering that time that little blond girl tried to come for September.
Official Auntie Triptych Ruling: Quit messin’.