Let’s all take a moment to put our hands together (or put your feet together if your hands are too busy fapping) and say a prayer of thanks for the fact that Charlie Hunnam lives in Los Angeles and not Paris. Because according to Natalie Portman, the Lanvin uniform-wearing police officers of France would immediately arrest and jail Charlie Hunnam for the sinful crime of wearing sloppy workout clothes and showing his knees like an uncouth peasant! (Side note about Natalie’s comments: I went to Paris in July, and surprisingly, they didn’t run me out of the city, so they’re obviously okay with temporary trash.)
Charlie did stuff in L.A. on Saturday as his armpit fur twirled in the wind and he worked a really hot pair of scrunched-up sweat capris. About two weeks ago, I posted a tip-moistening video of Charlie Hunnam doing The 22 Push-Up Challenge. Charlie didn’t only do it once. He’s done it 13 times so far and his friend has posted all of the videos of him doing it on Instagram. But I’m sure you already knew that, because I’m sure you bought a projector at Best Buy and projected Charlie’s push-up videos on your bedroom ceiling as you lay sprawled out naked on a tarp.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
Former HSOTD Baddie Winkle has come a long way! Just a couple of years ago, she was bestowing her wisdom on home wrecking, the good shit and being a slut to her growing number of disciples, and yesterday, she was the biggest star at the MTV VMAs. That last part was served without a sliver of sarcasm in it. She truly was the biggest star there. Fun fact: That carpet wasn’t white before Baddie stepped on it. As soon as she sashayed in, everyone busted bright white nuts all over the place.
When Baddie Winkle showed up to the VMAs in Britney’s Toxic catsuit and a Liberace-approved pimp cane, a few hating haters I follow on Twitter spewed out shit like, “Madonna is up to her old tricks again.” Well, I never! How dare they! Baddie Winkle is a true original and only she can work the hell out of a pimp cane and a jumpsuit that looks like it’s covered with a unicorn’s syphilis rash. Besides, Baddie’s look is more like, “Phyllis Diller after dropping acid with Miley Cyrus at a circus-themed rave on the outskirts of Las Vegas,” and that IS the look.
Here’s more of the hottest trick at the VMAs, and I also threw in a few pictures of my other favorite looks of the night including Ansel Elgort looking like a patient in the Hot Topic Insane Asylum and a goth mannequin they tell me is JWoww. Although, I am pretty sure it’s really a creation that Dr. Frankenstein made using the DNA of Kat Von D and Morticia Addams. It’s Morticia Von D!
As Brit Brit Spears did her mouth stretches (aka chew gum) to prepare to LIP SYCNH FOR HER FRAPP at the MTV VMAs tonight, her one-time arch rival Christina Aguilera brought out the return of Drunktina for the paps outside of the Up & Down Club in NYC on Friday night. Xtina’s official human walking cane/piece Matthew Rutler must have been on babysitting duty on Friday night, because a friend and a bodyguard were the ones who helped her conquer the difficult sport of drunk-walking in heels. That friend or employee deserves a prize or a raise, because she held it together while inhaling the booze fart that Xtina’s red lipstick-covered b-hole pooted out. Drunktina’s fart face gave that away.
Xtina’s look here is “grunge Jessica Rabbit” meets “Wynonna Judd in Private Benjamin” meets “casual Friday Peg Bundy” and that is the look, but she loses major points and also disappointed me with that faded lipstick game (see: pictures of her in the car below). Unlike her indestructible lip liner, Xtina’s lead-based mouth paint faded a bit on her top lip. I always thought that the only way to remove Xtina’s lipstick is with a sandblaster and a prayer. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
And those of us who are watching the VMAs tonight will probably be channeling Drunktina. The only things that will get us through that show will be the sweet nectar and (NSFW!!!) McDonald’s new and improved McChicken with secret sauce. I know, I’m acting like the new McChicken is still available and like the Kartrashians didn’t already buy out their entire supply.
Believe it or not, I’ve fallen in love with worse. KCAL 9 reports that Fresno, California’s Touche the Tortoise busted out of her tortoise prison and slowly ambled six and a half miles. Why? She did it for love! When her owner Nancy Knauss finally found Touche, this is what she was dismounting from:
That’s the reason Touche busted out. To get some of that tortoise-shaped drain cover dick. Touche’s caretaker lady thinks that Touche fell in love with the drain cover due to its shape. Unfortunately for Touche, that drain cover looks like the kind of municipal equipment you have a good time with once, and then they’re off to the next hermit crab or whatever. Again, we have something in common. I’ve fallen in love with plenty of things due to their shape, only to find out that either the presentation was a lie or the “storm drain cover” came attached to a douche!
Check out the story of how Touche the Tortoise found her true love below!
This video of a memaw slaying the beat and heating up a Waffle House parking lot in Georgia with her scorching hot moves was posted on Facebook by Abby Tucker all the way in the olden days of 2014, but it just started making the rounds on the internet this month. I wish I would’ve seen it sooner, because it would’ve been nice knowing that brawls and fights aren’t the only viral-worthy shit that happens at a Waffle House.
By the way, in my headline I’m referring to the beloved pooch in his hand, not the one on his head.
After Mickey Rourke had a cup of coffee with his Pomeranian named #1 (see: pictures below, you can tell that the lens-loving doggy called the paps), they hit the back alley pap stroll while making their way to their car. If anyone ever asks me what I want my future to look like, I’m going to show them this picture of Mickey and his fame whore fur ball. (I mean, look at how that pom is lighting up for the cameras.) Because living the life IS struttin’ around with a polyester slick-back granny wig on your head and a thirsty pom in your arm. I don’t know if Mickey doesn’t give one fuck or gives too many fucks, but I do know that he knows how to live.