The movie that Sienna Miller was WRONGLY cut out of (I can’t even type its name) is premiering at the Venice Film Festival and so Johnny Depp, the human embodiment of a 2-day-old cold Pumpkin Spice Latte Dakota Johnson, Joel Edgerton and director Scott Cooper came out to sell that shit.
It’s strange that Johnny Depp was actually able to walk and pose for photographers, because I didn’t think he could function without a million scarves draped around his neck and a thousand Santa Fe gift shop bracelets on his wrists. I thought scarves and bracelets were his life blood, but I guess not. As the entire scarf industry shook with fear over their future, Johnny Depp worked it while dressed like a grandpa going to play dominos in the park with his friends. Yes, Johnny’s mop was more greased up than a horny memaw’s pussy, but he looked like he spent time in a shower and that’s progress.
At a press conference for the movie, one of the reporters asked Johnny about the most famous members of the Depp family, Boo and Pistol, and he joked that he killed them and ate them under direct orders of some “sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia.” Johnny, of course, was making fun of his dogs getting deported from Australia because he broke the law and brought them in illegally. Lap up the smugness at the 1:53:
THIS BITCH. Along with that charbroiled Yorkie, Johnny should’ve eaten a side of Get A Fucking Clue and washed it down with a cup of Shut The Hell Up. Amber Heard better search the Internet for how to cook Australian prison mice using the sunshine beaming through her jailhouse window, because thanks to Johnny’s little joke, that “sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia” is totally going to take it out on her and make sure she gets locked up for a long ass time. (Yeah, right.)
Welcome to today’s installment of “Things That Make Morgan Freeman Grumpy.” This is a long-awaited follow-up to “Holding Cotton Candy Makes Morgan Freeman Grumpy.”
Yesterday in NYC, grumpy Morgan Freeman got extra grumpy as he threw death glares at the pap who took pictures of him dressed up like a mummy for a movie. Hey, a check is a check. When I first saw these pictures, I got excited, because I thought that Hollywood was finally making a thrilling and dramatic biopic about the life and times of Fruity Yummy Mummy. But sadly, these are pictures from the set of the remake of the 1979 movie Going In Style. I should’ve known, because if Morgan Freeman was playing Fruity Yummy Mummy, his eyes would be filled with sparkly happiness while thinking about all the awards coming his way.
Okay, technically the tabloid cover of my dreams is: “Prince Harry Can’t Get Enough Of Sticking His Dick In Various Glory Holes All Over Southern California!” But this a close second.
Closer is like the InTouch Weekly for the Estroven and “sip rosé while watching Mike & Molly” set, and they never get the attention they really deserve, but now they’ve come out hard and let the other tabloids know not to get too comfortable. Star Magazine’s cover story this week is about how Duchess Kate has got a third baby royale growing in her womb. When isn’t she knocked up? Who cares! NEXT! InTouch Weekly’s cover story is about how Kim Kartrashian dumped Kanye West after catching him with his ex. Is it a surprise that Kim kaught Kanye with a mouthful of Tisci? NO! TRASH IT! None of those covers have anything on Closer who have set fire to the competition with their cover story about the forever relevant Golden Girls!
The Golden Girls ended over 20 years ago but there’s still tea to be spilled and Closer spilled it all. Here’s just two few riveting tidbits from their expose.
Bea Arthur liked to read the paper:
But early on, fault lines began to appear. “Bea was not that fond of me,” Betty has said. Bea probably got even angrier when after the first season, Betty became the first cast member to win an Emmy. “There was joking when Betty came in after that: ‘Oh, boy, it¹s going to be rough around here,’” says Jim Colucci, author of the upcoming book Golden Girls Forever.
Bea’s son Matthew Saks tells Closer it wasn’t personal: “My mom wasn’t really close to anybody. I’m not saying she was a loner, but she just liked to go home and read the paper.”
Estelle Getty wrote her lines on props sometimes:
“People wonder if her dementia was beginning, even back then,” says Colucci of the actress, who died of Lewy Body dementia in 2008. “Estelle really had a panic about knowing her lines. She’d write them on props, and ask to read from cue cards in the later years.” Saks adds, “It was frustrating. It was hard on everybody.”
Bea Arthur liked to go home and read the paper?! She was the Charlie Sheen of her time. I’ve always wondered why Lifetime hasn’t done an unauthorized Golden Girls movie and now I know why. Shit is too risqué for them. We’ll have to wait until Showtime starts making unauthorized biopics.
Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog announced early last month that they were done with each other after nearly 40 years together and I thought it was some shameless stunt to promote their new show on ABC. It may very well still be a shameless stunt, but if it is, they’re milking it all the way by introducing Kermit the Frog’s new piece Denise! (I love that her name is Denise.) I guess Kermit is a 100% porkosexual, because he just can’t get enough of pig.
No, Kermit and Denise didn’t meet on Ashley Madison. They met at ABC (so they claim). Denise is the head of ABC’s marketing department, so it’s not exactly a coincidence that ABC released pictures of that barn wrecking gold digging tramp swine. A source (Denise) also told People that Kermit’s got it bad for Denise.
Kermit, who is still working with Miss Piggy on her late-night talk show Up Late with Miss Piggy – a situation that is being documented on the upcoming ABC series The Muppets – has been spotted around town numerous times with a head of marketing at ABC named Denise, a source tells PEOPLE exclusively.
“She’s always stopping by the set of Up Late,” the source says of Denise. “He calls her his girlfriend,” adds the source.
Meanwhile, Miss Piggy is drying her sad tears on Liam Hemsworth. Does that mean that Liam is a Plushie, is into bestiality or a little of both?
I really don’t know if I should be on Team Miss Piggy or Team Denise.
Miss Piggy is a legend, an icon of glamour and yes, she flirts with other tricks, but she’s always been ride or die for Kermit. On the other hoof, she’s a sloppy drunk, a bossy bitch and is always issuing a karate chop on Kermie. Then there’s Denise. Denise has an A++ eyebrow situation, is already an accomplished home wrecker and she looks like the scheming type who will “leak” dick pics once Kermit drops her. But on the other hoof, her snout job is a mess, she’ll probably become friends with the Kartrashians, she’s definitely trying to get a reality show out of it and you know she’s got THOT (that hog over there) tattooed on her felt ass cheek. I bet it’s only a matter of time before we see her batting her scheming eyes for the paps as she works the ho stroll while struttin’ to the brand new Lexus convertible that Kermit bought her.
And if Denise is really going to play the game, she needs to elevate her fashion and stop buying her shit from Dress Barn.
Unless you’re a sucio freak who’s really into seeing Miley Cyrus with a mouthful of unicorn jizz, this is Dlisted’s first Panty Creamer of the week and some of us needed this after the messiness our eyes were exposed to during last night’s MTV VMAs. Ryan Phillippe took his 40-year-old nipples for a jog in Beverly Hills the other day and I’m mad that the paparazzo didn’t also record video. Because Ryan Phillippe’s bulge in motion would be to me what laser pointers are to cats.
And Ryan Phillippe is 40 and still looks like this. Either there’s a painting of his old face in an attic somewhere or he keeps his nips youthful-looking by drinking the blood of virgins directly from the tap. You know a bunch of thirsty, hard-up whores are going to stand around outside of Ryan’s house while wearing a white cotton nightgown and the mark of a virgin. (And yes, I typed that in between shopping on the Internet for a white cotton nightgown and Crocs, which are the true mark of virgins and born again virgins.)
Social media mogul Frankie Grande Latte is about as pleasant as an ingrown ass hair, but I cannot hate on what he served up at the MTV VMAs tonight. Frankie looks like he just got back from the first ever all-gay Burning Man in Ibiza and he also looks like Oprah just scooted across his brows after shitting gold. That really is the look.
If you’re planning on watching the annual “MTV We Don’t Show Videos Anymore But We’re Going To Recognize Them In This Ceremony Because We Know We’ll Get A Lot Of Attention From Miley Cyrus Showing Her Tits Awards” tonight, then I’m guessing that in the middle of your living room, you’ve got a plastic kiddie pool full of Popov vodka. Because the only way to watch all 6 hours of that mess is to watch it while sitting in a pool full of the sweet nectar with a long straw permanently attached to your mouth. I know, the VMAs are technically 2 hours long, but Kanye West is getting the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, so he’s going to need a good 3 and a half hours to figuratively deep throat his own dick while licking his own nuts and b-hole at the same time.
The list of hos performing is a real who’s who and what I mean by that is, it’ll make you scream WHO? a bunch of times. The performers are: Walk the Moon, Tori Kelly, Twenty One Pilots, A$AP Rocky, Demi Lovato, The Weeknd, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Pharrell Williams, Nicki Minaj and the hood rat stuff king of the playground Justin Bieber. Although, the Biebs got a ticket last night for driving his tricked-out Big Wheels too fast, so his dad Usher may ground him and refuse to let him perform. Miley Cyrus is supposedly going to close the show with a bunch of queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race, but by then, most of us will be busy chasing our livers around after they quit our bodies because they can’t take it anymore.
I may throw up a couple of VMAs posts tonight and tomorrow, Allison is helping me cover all the foolery. As for a drinking game, just take the biggest swig possible every time a presenter or winner opens their mouth to speak. There’s a 50/50 chance they’re going to say something eye roll-worthy, so you’re going to need a quick shot of booze to get you through it. I really can’t wait. I hope it’s a beautiful mess.
Speaking of a mess, here’s more of Frankie Grande Latte looking like a craft project on the wrong kind of crack. Do not show these pictures to your grandma, because she’ll be pissed that Frankie Grande Latte is wearing the same blazer she wore to your cousin’s wedding.
When it comes to Chippendales dancers, my heart (and crotch) belongs to the red-hot pants-dampening pure sexuality that is SNL’s Adrien and Barney. With that being said, I’ve got to give credit where credit is due and admit that Tyson Beckford is working a pretty tight Chippendales game. Tyson was at the Rio hotel in Las Vegas last night to perform with the illustrious male dancers of Chippendales because…I’m not sure why, exactly. But he’s performing from now till September 27th, so if you’ve ever wanted to see the hotness that is Tyson Beckford bust out some Chocolate City moves in 1/6 of a chauffeur’s costume, now is your chance.
I’ve never seen the Las Vegas Chippendales show, because why do that when you can see desperate dudes take off their clothes in a Boulder City parking lot for less than half the price, so I have no idea what their act is like. But really, the only things I want to know about Tyson’s Chippendales set is if he goes by a stage name (Blayze? Riptyde? The Silencer? I need to know!) and whether or not he bounces those gorgeous man titties. What am I saying? Of course he does. It wouldn’t be an all-hunk review without some bouncing pecs.
It’s come to
piss this. Here’s Ashton Kutcher struttin’ through LAX last night with a stage 2 Fergie on his pants. Either Ashton forgot to shake or he pissed himself when the paps asked him for his thoughts on the Ashley Madison hack. Who knows, but I do know that I’m totally e-mailing this post to my mom. Because the next time she hangs out with her sisters and they all brag about what their kids are up to, she can say with pride, “Aww, isn’t that cute. Well, my son posted pictures of Ashton Kutcher’s pee pee spot on his blog.”
If Usain Bolt was playing a game of charades with those who know me and the phrase he had to act out was, “What Michael K wishes he was doing every night of the week,” he and his partner definitely would’ve won. But that’s not what he was doing. Usain was freaking out because he was afraid that his career was over thanks to a stupid ass Segway. That really would’ve been a bitch.
After beating his competition in the 200 meter final at the World Championships in Beijing today, the human lightning bolt was strolling along the track barefoot when a cameraman on a Segway hit some shit, lost control and ran right into him. Bitch went down, did a somersault and then limped away. Just look at this bumbling buffoonery:
Mamma mia is right!
The good news for Usain is that his moneymakers are fine. Usain told reporters afterward that the Segway hit him in his calf area and he’s going to be okay. Can you imagine if that damn Segway messed up his ankles and took him out of the game forever? See, this is why the only highly-trained pilots who should be allowed to drive a Segway are Shauna Sand and Raven. They’re the only ones who can truly tame that two-wheeled beast.
I won’t be surprised if today my chihuahua ties a scarf full of his earthly belongings onto a stick and starts hitchhiking to his homeland of Mexico. No, he’s not going to go to Mexico, because Donald Trump is still at the top of the polls and he figures he may as well deport himself and save Trump the trouble. He’s probably going to run away from home, because today is National Dog Day and I made a cat HSOTD. What a slap in the face! He sees how it is.
I didn’t know it was National Dog Day, but I’m going to try to right that wrong by posting a dog video (via Cute Overload). File this dog video under: Scenes from THE QUEEN’S backyard. It’s 15 adorable seconds of a Corgi on meth going crazy for water in a plastic pool.
….And I just realized that this probably wasn’t the best apology video to post since my dog hates getting wet. I fucked up again!
But wait, my dog hates getting wet, sleeps 23 hours a day, can take a nap anywhere and can throw a side-eye like no other. Maybe he’s been a cat this whole time and I didn’t know it. I mean, he sort of looks like a cat.
Yeah, I’m going with that. Betrayal averted! Until National Cat Day!