Why did the cool toys only come out AFTER I entered middle age?!?! Logo reports that the most exciting project to be unveiled at this year’s Comic-Con is the trailer for NOTHING. It’s toys! Picture it, San Diego, 2018 – Dorothy, Sophia, Blanche, Rose. The Golden Girls are now action figures! You (and I guess your kids, but they’ll have no idea what to do with elderly female action figures, so probably just them to you) can now own the four sassiest ladies in Dade County. And they are expensive. But c’mon, to actually have them in your home is priceless! (They better come with a plastic cheesecake.)
The new Golden Girls set is already available for pre-order for $114.99, and it will hit store shelves in the first quarter of next year.
Will there be an “out on the lanai” playset?
The figures are “highly articulated” so you can imagine and act out all of those sexy Blanche scenes that they couldn’t show on NBC in the 80’s. There’s no Mel Bushman figure yet, so you might have to settle for pairing her with G.I. Joe.
Oh, who am I even kidding. I AM that clingy ex. Kanzie, a springer spaniel from England, doesn’t take the title of man’s (or woman’s! This is 2018) best friend lightly. Her favorite position is a comatose perch against her human’s chest, and she’ll be damned if anyone tries to move her from it!
The best part is her side eye with each return to her owner’s chest. It’s a look of, “Yeah, betch. I’ve tried all the IKEA pillows in the house, and you’re the most comfortable one.” I haven’t seen a persistent, ravenous lean-in like that since my first time with a man, or my first time eating a 20-piece nugget combo at McDonald’s.
It doesn’t really give any further details, but I imagine Kanzie still has her human pinned to that chair, because she’s not ready to give up the cuddles, and she’ll cuddle until she’s had enough! The world should run on Kanzie time. Honestly, she’s a more valid reason to be pinned to a chair for days on end than our usual culprit of Netflix and a case of rosé.
Meryl Streep better park her ass for this year’s Oscar race because Jennifer Lopez took off that scarecrow wig she wears as a cop on NBC and got back into her bread and butter role of rags-to-riches lady in a rom-com. If your afternoon has been missing a little bit of 2003, have no fear! The trailer for Second Act, a movie starring Jen and Leah Remini (oh, yeah, and Vanessa Hudgens), dropped earlier.
For the second time in twice as many months, Paris Hilton has taken time out of her busy schedule of ring-polishing and DJing to drag Lindsay Lohan on social media. Eh, I’m sure Lindsay appreciates the Google alert.
The Cut noticed that Paris commented on an Instagram video posted yesterday by a fan account. The video was from 2006, in which a much-fresher Lindsay tells paparazzi that Paris hit her with a drink at a party. Lindsay later walked back her story for a new set of photographers, saying Paris was her friend, and that her friend would never hurt her.
Paris could have kept her shadiness subtle by simply liking the video of Lindsay being peak-messy. Instead, she chose to comment with a laughing-till-crying emoji and the hashtag #PathologicalLiar. Hmmmm….Lindsay said something that clearly wasn’t true? Call me crazy, but I’m starting to think the black kid maybe wasn’t driving after all.
It’s really too bad that Paris and Lindsay can’t get along. They seem like a perfect match for each other. They both still love those mid-2000s thick n’ long hair extensions, they’re still spending most of their time in clubs, and they love attention. Honestly, 50 years from now, if you put them in a dilapidated home filled with cigarettes and EDM music, you’ve got a great remake of Grey Gardens.
Look at those shimmering, glistening, wieners. Wieners that have been saved after Costco dumped them because of health stuff. And it’s all thanks to the champion of vaguely-Polish tube meats, Sam’s Club. Another example of not all heroes wearing capes, although I guess that little paper hot dog sheet could double as one.
Sam’s Club has stepped up to the plate and announced they’re selling Polish hot dogs. This news comes less than a week after Costco announced they’re replacing the Polish hot dog with healthier options like an acai bowl and a plant-based protein salad. Costco and Sam’s Club are both membership-only warehouse clubs, except Sam’s Club is owned and operated by Walmart. Finally, a reason to actually want to go to a Walmart store.
Sam’s Club dropped the good news on Twitter last week, but it picked up steam after they made the announcement on Instagram yesterday. Polish dogs will be available at all Sam’s Club cafés starting July 23, for $0.99 each. If you can’t wait six days, I suppose you could always roll up to your nearest IKEA and get down on a couple of their sad $0.50 dogs. And if that’s not going to work for you, why not call up your local hospital and ask if they’ll slip you into a medically-induced 6-day coma? And when they remind you that’s a danger to your health, just politely reassure them the bigger danger lies when you wake up and blow through $10 worth of Polish dogs. I’m sure they’ll be fine with it.
One second after that picture was taken, there were no lemons on that tree and the basket was filled with nothing but lemon bits and juice because they all busted from being so close to the goth sexiness of Cher!
The London premiere of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Making An Unneeded Sequel For A Check went down today, and while one of the movie’s main stars, Lily James, wore a damn ball gown (somebody tell her she ain’t Cinderella for real), the REAL star of the movie, Cher, didn’t even try, because she doesn’t need to. She’s Cher, bitch! (copyright: Chad Michaels) While looking like Kat Von D’s dream wedding officiant, Cher proved to the young hos that she doesn’t need to put on some brand new couture gown to kill bitches. Cher pulled one of her old Witches of Eastwick costumes out of storage, dusted it off a bit and threw it on her body as her hair people took the Hot Sticks out of her mane. And even while working an old rag, Cher still outshined them all.
I mean, even Meryl Streep knew that there’s no point in even trying when Cher’s going to be there, which is why she dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher. But then again even if Cher wasn’t there, Meryl would still have dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher.