The greatest portrayal of a dramatic demise onscreen currently belongs to Oscar-winner Marion Cotillard who perfectly captured death in its rawest and realest form in the Dark Knight Rises. This proves that the Oscars are trash, because this is what should’ve earned Marion Cotillard a tiny gold man. THIS is acting!
Well, it was the epitome of acting until Marion got shown up by classically-trained Scottish actor Flash from Aberdeenshire, Scotland. Laughing Squid brought us a video of what Flash does every time his humans try to leave the house. Every time 6-year-old Flash the Beagle’s family gets ready to leave him, he uses the training he learned at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London to play dead and become as stiff as Brit Brit Spears doing her Las Vegas show (or as stiff as clits and peens when their owners look at a topless picture of Charlie Hunnam).
Scientists say that when a living thing first dies, their eyes usually move around and look at the camera if there’s a camera near them. (Yes, scientists say this, shut up!) Flash is obviously the kind of skilled ack-tor who does his research, because he does the eye moving thing during his performance. Not since Kristen Stewart in Twilight has an actor been so wooden and dead on camera.
The disturbing thing about that video is that Flash’s humans don’t immediately scream, cry, try to give him CPR, and call whatever the Scotland version of 911 is. I mean, Flash’s dead acting is that convincing. They just push his dead body out of the way. When Flash wins his Oscar for playing Marion Cotillard’s role in the reboot of the Dark Knight Rises in a couple of years, he should so not thank his humans.
Try to say something nice. Well, er, it’s a look? The peacock tattoo is impressive? Cardi B and Offset appear to be getting along as a couple? The towering hair offsets (see what I did there?) Dracula’s fitted sheet nicely? Offset keeps his shoes shined like a gentleman? There might be a “I just want to sit the fuck down and put my swollen feet up” look on the mother-to-be’s face, but hey, she’s on the cover of Rolling Stone which used to mean something but there’s still a song about it so yay?
Keeping it positive here seemed imperative considering some of the comments on Rolling Stone’s post of this cover.
Folks are tough on Cardi B, so she should have just trolled her h8ers by smoking a cigarette in this pic while balancing an ashtray on her belly.
For those of us who are fat and rendered irritable and senseless by fiery temperatures, Kinston, NC’s Mako the Siberian Husky is our new leader. Fuck air conditioning, dips in the pool, remaining perfectly still, or imagining yourself up a snowy mountain. Just straight-up climb into an ice maker and lay your body down. This vid was taken from Mako’s owner and Kinton business owner Eric S. Rouse’ Facebook page (he’s already calling himself Mako’s manager) and posted to YouTube. Mako has his own Facebook page now, too! Here’s the scoop via Kinston.com.
When they got back to the house, Mako had a drink of water and everybody went there own way. But a little later Rouse heard something and went to investigation. He saw Mako’s hind legs climbing into the ice machine near his garage. He called his wife and told her to start videoing it.
“I guess he smelled the ice or felt the cold air and flipped it open with his nose and got in, knowing it would feel good,” Rouse said.
When they opened the door to the ice machine, there was Mako, lying content on the ice. He turned his head away from the attention.
“I’m so ashamed,” Eric Rouse said on the video like he was talking for the dog.
But Mako wasn’t ashamed. He turned his head back around and buried his snout in the ice and went to sleep, enjoying the coolest place in the house.
Ashamed? The hell is wrong with you, Eric? Mako should be celebrated by sweaty bitches everywhere for pooh-poohing social mores and lowering his body temperature in the most efficient way possible. Who gives a crap if some of your customers have dog hair in their soda? The South is sweltering!
65-year-old Jeff Goldblum finally got his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. Although it probably would have been more appropriate to temporarily re-name it the Hollywood Shuffle of Fame. Catching a glimpse of Jeff Goldblum working his star like a thirsty Playgirl centerfold probably had a whole lot of people weak in the knees and struggling to remain upright.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom starring Jeff comes out in a week, so this is just to promote it, but I don’t care. Seeing Jeff Goldblum lounge all over is terrazzo star is something we as a society have earned – nay, deserve. The only problem is, a Walk of Fame star is usually in commemoration of a notable career. And what’s a more notable part of Jeff Goldblum’s career than that picture of him emerging from the teleporter from The Fly with zero clothes on?
Jeff was joined by his wife Emilie Livingston and their two sons, as well as several of his famous friends like Ed Begley Jr. and Laura Dern. I hope the Hollywood Walk of Fame people hire security after this. We saw what recently happened to Michael Jackson’s star, and I can only imagine what will appear on Jeff Goldblum’s. $10 says there’s a pair of panties by next Monday.
This Open Post is coming at you all a little early, because I want to welcome Dlisted’s two newest writers, Kristian and Jovi. Starting today, Kristian is helping out this summer during the weekdays because Mieka is taking a little time off to write a porn novel about Stanley Tucci as an escort whose speciality is fucking women in the cooch with his peen head. Jovi is going to help J. Harvey out on the weekends starting on June 23rd. And as they do that, I’m still working on the Dlisted podcast, which is turning out to be like my dad on my birthday: never going to show up! No, it’s coming very soon, but also like my dad, it’s only going to disappoint you. But I’ll save that talk for my therapist.
The teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s Dumbo is here and I’ve got to say, I forgot how much I love him. It’s so nice to have a Johnny Depp-less Burton film to look forward to! As far as Disney live-action remakes go, this looks pretty dark. And that’s a good thing! Dumbo is a deeply disturbing story that’s ruined many a childhood. It deserves an equally disturbing, childhood ruining remake.
Here’s the trailer for Dumbo with the theme song “Baby Mine” sung by Norwegian singer-songwriter Aurora (via Polygon):
Holy anime eyes Tim Burton’s Batman! Also, Holy Batman, Batman! Yes, according to Polygon, that is best Batman Michael Keaton as V.A. Vandevere, a “persuasive entrepreneur” who recruits Dumbo for his “larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland”. Keeping it in the Bat-Fam, Danny DeVito plays a circus owner who recruits Colin Farrell and his two kids to take care of Dumbo.
And in case you’ve got sand in your eyes and couldn’t tell, the little girl who plays Colin’s daughter Milly looks exactly like Thandie Newton. With good reason! She’s played by Nico Parker, Thandie’s 13 year-old mini-me. I’m not going to say one word about that beautiful girl Nico being having a very white family in this film (ok, maybe I said 21 words). Nowhere to be seen though are those racist ass crows from the original. Although, maybe they will address that elephant in the room in subsequent treatments.