Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By A Thieving Chipmunk Caught In The Act

May 28, 2016 / Posted by:

I’m not saying I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, but I’m also saying I haven’t. What’s a little identity theft, aggravated assault and insurance fraud if you don’t get caught? It’s like the age old riddle, if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? If I impersonate an officer and somehow make it to detective and then get a big retirement party but no one ever finds out it was all a scam, was it a crime? In any case, even if you do get caught, don’t you try and still get something out of it all? This chipmunk doesn’t think so.

He gets busted and never have I seen something so embody the phrase “the jig is up!” He admits full guilt and fucking bolts. Despite his weak crime game he’s still all good in my book. For one, he’s redeemed chipmunks for me after having been tortured by the existence of those horrifying Alvin and The Chipmunks movies. Also, he’s the heir to Ralph of the Tater Tots!

via Tastefully Offensive

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Open Post: Hosted By Rihanna Working A Bathrobe

May 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Earlier today, Rihanna was seen leaving a photo shoot in New York wearing the ensemble above, and it’s pretty clear she’s not at risk of losing her title of Her Royal Highness of Not Giving A Fuck anytime soon. The photo agency where I got these pictures says that RiRi was leaving a 20-hour photo shoot, which would probably explain why she looks like she’s ready to crawl her ass into a giant bed with a Glo Worm stuffed with weed and set her phone to Do Not Fucking Disturb.

Really, that’s the only reason I can think of for why Rihanna would be in a bathrobe and a pair of shower sandals in public in broad daylight. The only other explanation I can come up with is that Rihanna is secretly a mother of three, and one of her kids forgot their lunch, so she’s driving it to school. Unfortunately for her kid, Mama RiRi doesn’t get dressed until she’s seen the second cooking segment of Racheal Ray, which means lunch is being delivered in a robe and slippers. I bet there’s a clump of balled-up tissues in that front pocket too.

But she’s wearing sunglasses, which means no one will notice that she’s in a bathrobe and slippies. I too have labored under the delusion that expensive sunglasses have the magical power to forgive your fashion transgressions. I don’t know why, but they just do. Sunglasses absorb shame.

Pics: Splash

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Open Post: Hosted By Katie Holmes As 1967 Jackie Kennedy

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Yes, I am 100% sure that is Katie Holmes as Jackie Kennedy circa 1967. And not a grown-up Vicki the Robot after getting caught in a windstorm while dressed up like Mary Tyler Moore on Halloween night.

To Scientologists, The History Channel is their PornHub, because it plays alien stuff all the time. But I guess The History Channel figures they should offer their viewers something else, which is why they’re doing a second mini-series about the Kennedys. Katie Holmes played Jackie Kennedy in the first mini-series, The Kennedys, and now she’s back in the second mini-series, The Kennedys After Camelot. This one takes place after John F. Kennedy is assassinated and follows Jackie Kennedy as she becomes Jackie O.

It looks like The History Channel isn’t really sticking to the real story for this one. Based on the pictures of Katie’s dead eyes on the set in Toronto, it looks like in this mini-series, Jackie is abducted by aliens and after they shave off her hair and install a microchip into her head, they return her back to earth where they throw a ratty pawn shop wig on her. That explains Katie’s expressions and that wig. And I just knew The History Channel would find a way to bring aliens and pawn shops into it.

Pics: Pacific Coast News, Splash

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Open Post: Hosted By The Beloved Regal Cinemas Roller Coaster Of Movie Theater Dreams

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

This Open Post is a tribute to the artist who took many of us on a delicious journey through a movie theater concession stand dreamland in the 90s and beyond. John McLaughlin was a visual effects artist who worked on several movies like Kung Fu Panda, Kung Fu Panda 2, Kung Fu Panda 3 and Shark Tale. But before he worked on the movies that your kids probably make you watch 45 times a day (after you’ve watched Frozen 65 times, of course), he created the roller coaster animation that played before every movie at every Regal Cinema.

John died on May 12th at the young age of 46. In his obituary in The Oregonian (via Mashable), it says that the Regal Cinema roller coaster animation was a personal project and one of his favorites:

One of John’s favorite personal projects that he created was the Regal Cinemas preview trailer featuring a roller coaster in space speeding between soda, candy and popcorn that played before each and every movie.

There’s been 4 updated versions of the dizzy-inducing roller coaster, including the latest one which is all Tron-like. It has NOTHING on the original. Hell, sometimes the Regal Cinema roller coaster ride was better than the movie itself.

Thank you, John, for bringing people so much joy, and I know it did, because there’d always be at least one person who raised their arms and screamed, “aaaaaaaah,” during the drops.

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Open Post: Hosted By The John Wayne Of Bulldogs

May 24, 2016 / Posted by:

After posting about Bill Cosby, elder abuse and pedo rings of Hollywood today, I need a P12 grit palate cleanser (I know, I’m so butch when I talk sand paper grit) and here’s one in the form of a bulldog going yippee ki-yay, motherfucker, on a little wooden horsey. Thank you cowboy bulldog for being the Scrubbing Bubbles my brain needed.

No, Gabe the Bulldog’s human did not train him to saunter on over to a play horsey, mount it and ride it with happiness while putting up his little paw like a drunk mom on the mechanical bull at Saddle Ranch in West Hollywood. Gabe did it all himself! Riding and Cowboy-ing are in Gabe’s little bulldog heart.

I hate reboots more than I hate broccoli without mayonnaise, but now I want Hollywood to put Gabe in a reboot of Brokeback Mountain called Brokeback Dog Park.

via People

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Open Post: Hosted By The Go-Go’s!!!

May 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Oh yes, bitch, I’ll be having that extra glass of chardonnay,” said thousands of middle-aged moms (and me) last night right before The Go-Go’s performed at the Billboard Music Awards. We needed those extra drops of the sweet nectar to keep us going as we shook our shit to a 35-year-old song. Who cares if our leg busted out a spasm from doing actual physical activity. It was worth it.

Original Go-Go’s members, Belinda Carlisle and Jane Wiedlin are getting together with longtime members Gina Schock, Charlotte Caffey and touring bassist Abby Travis for a month-long farewell (until they need money again) tour this summer. And last night, they gave everyone a taste of their final tour by performing “We Got The Beat.” Here’s a piece of it:

Viva mom rock! And Jane Wiedlin’s FernGully cosplay gets an A++ from me too.

Pics: Splash

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Open Post: Hosted By Larisa Katz As A Glamorous Golden Ram

May 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Cannes is FINALLY over! Dear lord, that felt like a fucking lifetime. Between Blake Lively parading around in discount fabrics and Kristen Stewart pushing what felt like fourteen movies, I thought it would never end. Thankfully, between the twits and the twats we get injections of true artistry. Our eyes are treated to the elegance that is Elena Lenina and her subtly sexual hair thanks to Cannes, so suffering some KStew seems like a fair price to pay. And now, we have Larisa Katz.

Larisa, like Elena, is Russian, so we now know where all the glamour lives. She’s a designer and loves to bring FASHUN and fuckery-fueled fashion to events. At last night’s, premiere of The Salesman, Larisa was gracious enough to close out Cannes in this truly stunning, hand-crafted (as in Michaels crafts and glue guns) golden ram look. I say gracious because she clearly wanted to give us all something to remember other than the weak looks the Blakes and the Kristens chose to bore and offend us with. Larisa showed us that all you need to create a look straight out of a community theater production of The Wiz is to string together a bunch of flattened bundt cake pans with wires. And for that, I thank you, Larisa Katz.

And for those of you who may care, here’s a list of this Cannes year’s winners. Spoiler alert! Kristen Stewart did not win for her next-level blinking in Personal Shopper.

Pics: Splash, Getty

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Open Post: Hosted By Ryan Gosling Talking About Tonguing A Hairy Belly

May 21, 2016 / Posted by:

Here’s one for your fap books, sickos. Canada’s finest thespian and Eva Mendes‘s baby daddy, Ryan Gosling was on The Graham Norton Show this past week promoting The Nice Guys, a movie neither myself nor Michael K can make heads or tails of plot wise. I managed to pick up that it’s set in the 70s but that’s about it. While pushing that shit with his co-star Russell Crowe, amongst others, Graham, of course, brought up some story he’s heard about Ryan getting more than he bargained for during a Turkish massage. It’s not going where you think, but kind of.

Graham brings up the incident and Ryan looks a little pissed. Ryan goes on to explain that during a painful sounding massage his mouth got a surprise. No. Stop. It wasn’t that. He says the masseuse’s hairy gut found its way into his mouth while he was grimacing in pain. He blames his tongue doing some investigative work on what was happening on brain instinct:

The tongue goes in to figure it out. My tongue was like ‘what is that?’ It’s a hairy belly!

I know you guys are gonna keep that one locked away and safe for years to come. And I’m also sure some of you have replaced the masseuse with Russell Crowe because hairy belly is interchangeable with him. Please keep your fanfics and accompanying photoshop pictures to yourselves. This is a family website.

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Open Post: Hosted By Iggy Pop Dropping Tons Of Pure Hotness On Cannes

May 20, 2016 / Posted by:

The news reported today that miles upon miles of white foam is covering the ocean off of the coast of Cannes and it’s obviously because everyone squirted out a geyser of crotch nectar when Iggy Pop worked it for the cameras yesterday.

Jennifer Aniston’s hair idol is in Cannes with Jim Jarmusch to promote the Stooges documentary Gimme Danger. At the photo call and screening for the documentary, Iggy gave me danger, sex, intrigue, rage and wet hot finger-sucking hotness. I’m sure there wasn’t a dry down low part left at the festival once Iggy got done posing for the cameras. Anytime anyone is about to pose for the cameras at Cannes, they should be shown these pictures of Iggy so they know exactly how it’s really done. While the likes of Kristen Stewart deliver the soft, cold dick of flip-offs, Iggy Pop delivered several passionate and hard flip-offs for the cameras. If you have the ability to see ghosts in pictures, I’m sure you can see one sitting and spinning on Iggy’s finger.

Iggy licked up the air, treated eyeballs to a taste of his charbroiled pork loin torso and stomped the floor in a pair of Gucci slides. One of Iggy’s legs is apparently longer than the other, which is why one sandal is a Creeper and the other is normal. But watch wannabe bitches copy Iggy’s style by wearing just one Creeper slide and watch their face go splat when they fall while trying to walk. They can’t do it like Iggy. And now I leave you with these tip-moistening pictures that are more effective than KY.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By Prince Hot Ginge Getting Into Some Nipple Play

May 19, 2016 / Posted by:

At the Invictus Games in Orlando, FL a couple of weeks ago, a competitor from the UK pulled up his shirt to show Prince Hot Ginge his chest tattoo, and the ginger jewel of the British royal family used that opportunity to get into some quickie nip play. But the dude who was on the right end of that nipple tweaking had a really weird and unnatural response to it. I mean, he quickly pulled down his shirt and went OMG with his face. The natural reaction would be to pick up your prostate off of the floor (because obviously it’d fall out of you as soon as PHG touched your tit knob), and as you stuff it back into your ass, you run off to get a protective plastic box made for the nip that was touched by PHG.

First, PHG group hugs a bunch of hot, wet, shirtless swimmers and now this. I wish the Invictus Games lasted for months, because if it did, PHG may have given me enough material to put together a homoerotic soft-core porn. And I’m going to end this post now, because it’s really hard to type with one hand. No, I’m not doing that. What do you take me for? I’m a professional! I’m using the other hand to make my Prince Hot Ginge Real Doll pinch my nip so I can sort of know what it feels like. God!

(Thanks to everyone who sent this to me!)

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