Hooray! It’s that time of year! Dlisted’s favorite pageant contest, World’s Ugliest Dog! The parade of beauty was held Friday night in Petaluma, CA. I personally don’t like to use the word ‘ugly’ unless I’m talking about a celebrity, what a celebrity is wearing or someone that I hate, because it isn’t a very nice word. But, in the case of this contest, ugly means downright stunning and gorgeous. You can see cute puppies everywhere, but to be the world’s ugliest dog, that takes a level of uniqueness that money can’t buy! This year’s winner is Sweepee Rambo.
Sweepee is one hot piece! She weighs in at a svelte 4lbs, is 17 (almost legal!), blind in both eyes, wears a diaper and has bow legs. This is the third time Sweepee entered the competition, but it’s her first win. Last year she placed second behind the hunky Quasi Modo. Finally it was her time to shine and this year she got the top spot, which USA Today tells us comes with a trophy and $1500! I never won the koosh ball I wanted at the fifth grade raffle, so I’m quite jealous of Sweepee’s luxurious prizes. Sweepee, on this day of celebrating diversity and love, to you I say, congratulations. May your reign be as bountiful as you are beautifully ugly.
Here’s more of SweePee in all her glory:
Sweetie, darling. Get out the bolli-stoli. Patsy and Eddy are here! Well, they’re in London. But we live through the internet, so they’re basically right next to you. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that the AbFab movie is less than a month away and that means they gotta pimp that shit out. Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley got back into their true skins and trotted out for London Pride today.
They weren’t alone though. Sadly, they were not joined by Lulu and Eddy’s mother. Eddy and Patsy were flanked by a mini army of drag queen clones in varying degrees of Patsy and Eddy realness. No, the Queen herself wasn’t there, but with that many queens in one place does it matter? Although her lovely lime green ensemble would’ve fit in perfectly. Besides, everyone knows that Patsy and Eddy are the true queens of England! I will say that if they really wanted to take the PR for this all the way and make sure the movie is a hit, Eddy should’ve performed her smash hit “Walkin’ Down The Road” atop that float.
If you only read the headline and didn’t see the picture, you’re probably cursing my trick ass out for writing about a Khloe Kartrashian sex tape. But thankfully, this is a story about an interspecies love affair that won’t totally give you the heaves. By the way, if you landed on this page after Googling “interspecies lovin,” and were expecting something completely different, get out of here! Get out of here before I call 911, you sucio bitch!
Human Carrie Bredy has been using Instagram and YouTube to document the gorgeous love story starring her French bulldog Daisy and one of her koi fish Frank. Carrie has two other Frenchies, but they don’t care about her koi pond. Daisy is always at the koi pond. When she’s not lounging next to it, she’s tongue kissing her koi man Frank. Their dog-on-fish loving has been going on for about a year. Here’s one of Carrie’s many videos of the Romeo and Juliet of this generation getting into some PDA (Pond-side displays of affection), and it’s best if you watch it while humming Kiss From A Rose.
I don’t know what’s more sad: a dog getting more action than me or a koi getting more action than me?
I’m not actually sure what’s going on here. Is Daisy trying to eat Frank? Is Frank trying to eat Daisy? Or are they really in love? If that’s so, then the cat community is going to be totally and utterly fucked after Daisy gives birth to a fish puppy.
“Oh wait, that’s not the legendary Noxzema Girl? Screw this, let’s go then.” – everyone in that picture including the cops and her bodyguard.
Just like her acting skills, Blake NotSoLively’s style to me is usually boring wrapped in meh and stuffed in blah. But while leaving her hotel in NYC yesterday, drops of 80s/90s glamours shot off of her body and landed on my eyes. I can practically smell the scent of the rubber from the Clairol Benders she used to achieve that mane of blonde spiral perfection, and if I keep sniffing, I think I can smell a tiny whiff of Tribe perfume. Blake’s stylist must have been going for these 3 looks in one swoop:
- Assistant manager at Judy’s who drives a brand new Honda del Sol, has a boyfriend named Chad and can get you into any Maxi Priest show because her dad is a dentist and works on the teeth of his touring manager.
- The off-brand version of Totally Hair Barbie sold exclusively at Pic ‘N’ Save.
- The original host of Club MTV who got replaced by Downtown Julie Brown because she couldn’t read the cue cards.
And all of those looks put together are the look to the third power.
The Portuguese news channel CMTV has long been the Alexis Carrington Colby to Cristiano Ronaldo’s Krystle Carrington. Crispy has boycotted them and even tried to sue them for airing stories about him and his family that he didn’t appreciate. CMTV and Crispy’s feud hit the water today, and unfortunately by that, I don’t mean that they got into a hot wrestling match in a lily pond ala Alexis and Krystle.
EURO 2016 (which I guess is like the Tonys of the football world?) is going down in France right now and Crispy’s team, Portugal, played Hungary today. Before the game, a reporter from CMTV strolled up to Crispy and asked him if he was prepared. Crispy basically said, “Bitch, fuck you, go ask the fishes,” with one simple move. Crispy grabbed the mic and tossed it into the lake. Justin Bieber needs to pull up a chair in the front row and study this video carefully. This is how you throw a hissy fit:
The way he chucked that thing. You’d think that the reporter handed him a bottle of sunscreen. I don’t know what I love more: The thought of Crispy’s overcooked b-hole getting steamy as he wrestled that mic out of the reporter’s hand or the sound of that mic flying through the air. But really, it’s all fun and mic-throwing until we find out that the mic landed on and killed an endangered frog and Crispy gets imprisoned for it. I don’t know what color French prison uniforms are, but if they’re orange, Crispy is going to look perfect in them.
And here’s the mic tosser playing in today’s game:
Open Post: Hosted By An “Orange Is The New Black” Promo Starring Telenovela Villain Queen Soraya Montenegro
I have the attention span of a methed-up flea, so binge watching any show from beginning to end is as impossible as eating a vegetable that isn’t covered in mayonnaise, fried batter or microwaved Kraft cheese slices. But when I heard that telenovela legend Itati Cantoral was going to reprise her greatest role, Soraya Montenegro, in season 4 of Orange Is The New Black, I made plans to give myself a Monster Energy drink enema so that I could stay awake while watching every single episode in a row. Turns out, she’s not in the actual show. She’s just in a promo for season 4.
Itati Cantoral played the hottest bitch ever, Soraya Montenegro, in the Mexican novela María la del Barrio all the way back in 1995, but during the past few years, she’s become an internet star thanks to the [cries in Spanish] meme and the museum-worthy supercut of her screaming “LÁRGATE” like no other has screamed “LÁRGATE” before. So the marketing tricks behind OITNB decided to use her popularity to sell their little show and they put her in a promo where she’s dropped into Litchfield with the other characters. Here’s all 4 minutes and 20 seconds of it:
[CRIES IN SPANISH]https://t.co/6tzZdIjuGF
— Orange Is the New… (@OITNB) June 21, 2016
That was waaaaaay too low on the glamour and camp scale for me to fully get into it, but I hope this leads to Soraya becoming a regular next season. Because someone needs to desperately scream “LÁRGATE” in Piper’s annoying ass face and it needs to be Soraya Montenegro!
via Latin Times
“24 Hours of Le Mans” sounds like the name of an all day tea party thrown by John Travolta in the basement bathhouse of the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Paris, but it’s actually the name an annual car race held in Le Mans, France.
Brad Pitt put on a pair of his signature transition lenses glasses to wave the starting flag at the beginning of the race on Saturday. There’s video of him waving the flag, but it’s boring and he does it all wrong. He just waves the flag! Somebody should’ve told his ass that he needed to watch Paula Abdul’s Rebel Without A Cause-themed video for “Rush Rush.” Because if he watched it he’d know that after waving the flag, he’s supposed to turn around and run after the cars! Like this:
On a positive note, it looks like Brad Pitt is finally done with looking like a hobo whose peen produces 8 kinds of cheese and whose armpits are the #2 tourist destination for fleas after Johnny Depp’s armpits. Brad is actually looking freshly bathed. I’m guessing that every time a Pig Pen-like cloud of stank wafts off of Brad, the Child Army leaves a trail of weed buds from his den to the backyard and when he gets there, they attack him with a garden hose and soap. And he falls for it every single time.
Like most holidays, Father’s Day is all day! So yes, it is still Father’s Day. I called mine already. He didn’t answer and then called me back 15 minutes later and didn’t even know it was Father’s Day. One person who most definitely knows it’s Father’s Day is the guy in this video. He’s become a quick legend on the internet because of just how “DAD!” what he did is.
I find baseball about as interesting as the parents who took their kids to see Finding Dory probably found that underwater shit to be. But, I’m a fair person. I can recognize skill and a level of cool. And this, this I can give a thumbs up to. Or at least not a side eye. The guy fucking caught a foul ball with no glove while holding a sleeping child and a tray of hotdogs! I can barely talk on the phone while walking my dog, let alone do that AND pick up her poop! (Sorry, my neighborhood!) Mostly though, I was just so worried about the hotdogs because they are the only thing that matters at a baseball game. Anyone else might have sacrificed them, but not Dadman! Dadman knows that hotdogs are equally as vital to his powers as his kid. To Dadman and to all the dads, happy Father’s Day! And remember, if you say you’re just going to the store to get cigarettes, don’t take eleven years to come back!
(via Viral Viral Videos)
Beyonce can’t even trust her hussy slut tramp whore husband around any trick including a grown man with beautifully gelled hair. Or maybe Beyonce is side-eyeing Jay-Z’s finger while wondering where the hell that thing has been.
Anyway, Beyonce starred in The Beyonce Sitting In A Chair Show (featuring game 6 of the NBA Finals) in Cleveland, OH last night, and yes, 100% of the people there were to watch her sit in a chair, but a basketball game also went down. The Cleveland Cavasomethings played the Golden Shower Warriors. Cleveland won, and part of me wishes I could watch a full basketball game without falling into a coma, because there was DRAMA! Steph Curry, who plays for the Warriors, was ejected in the final minutes of the game for throwing his mouthpiece into the crowd. After that happened, Stephen’s wife, professional Twitterer, Ayesha Curry, screamed on Twitter that the game was rigged for money or ratings. Realizing that those tweets could maybe get her husband in trouble, she deleted them and said she tweeted in the heat of the moment.
It really wasn’t Ayesha Curry’s night. She also complained about being kept on the bus just 10 minutes before the game was set to start, and as she was forced to stay in there, Beyonce strolled on by without one care in the world:
Ayesha Curry was stuck on the bus because of Beyonce 😂 pic.twitter.com/3hK7Ff8zyD
— Jade (@JadeBurnam) June 17, 2016
It was really for Ayesha Curry’s own safety, because if she was let off of the bus, she may have been accidentally stung by the crazed members of the Beyhive trying to get close to their queen.
I’ve always thought that wearing overalls SANS SHIRT is only okay if you’re a member of Dexys Midnight Runners and the year is 1981, or if you’re Minnie Riperton and the year is 1974, or if you’re Jordan Knight and the year is anytime, or if you’re a hillbilly toddler trying to catch crawfish with a tree stick fishing rod in a creek outside of your memaw’s house. But Heidi Klum obviously doesn’t agree with me, because yesterday in NYC, she slapped on a pair of anti-chaffing nipple pads (I’m guessing) and slid on a pair of overalls to bring some “Come On Eileen” glamour to the streets. (By the way, while doing research for this highly important post, I found out that there’s no coma in the title “Come On Eileen.” That song has taken on a whole new meaning for me.)
On one hand, I am into this 70s mess for the simple fact that Heidi isn’t wearing a choker. It seems like every famous trick nowadays has been ruining the 90s for me by wearing a choker with every single outfit they wear. So I’m thankful that Heidi kept this ensemble choker-free. But on the other hand, Heidi’s outfit makes me want to slap on a choker and a red wig to channel Clueless’ best character Ambular as I say, “She could be a farmer in those clothes.”