Actor, artiste, Instagram troll, poet, 24-hour douche and savior to the gay community James Franco started some shit with his fake gay boyfriend Seth Rogen called the Gay Sex Art Project and this morning on Instragram he threw up two works of art he painted for their project. While I’m sure that James has seen Seth naked, sprawled and trying to lick his own hairy bear nuts in person, Seth probably didn’t pose for these. On Conan a few years ago, Seth showed pictures that an artist drew of him for a book about bears.
Hmmm….I wonder where I’ve seen those poses before (SPOILER ALERT: I saw them five seconds ago when I uploaded the paintings that James Franco stole from that artist.)
So James Franco copied an artist’s work, did it worse and didn’t give credit. James Franco IS the douchier Shia LaDouche, which I didn’t think was possible since Shia LaDouche is the douchier Shia LaDouche.
When you’re only famous for ripping your famous mom’s body in two when the doctor pulled your Easter Island Statue head out of her and you’re about as talented as a pile of instant potato flakes, you have to do what you can to get attention and that includes flashing your potato eye at some event. At Elle’s 5th Annual Women in Music Concert Celebrate in Hollywood last night, Tater Head brought massive amounts of desperation (which strangely enough smells like burnt potato sprouts) and sophistication to the carpet when she showed up wearing an easy access skirt that a 90s pussy peddler on a budget would wear. That entire ensemble says, “$5 for a blow, $20 for a lay, $40 if you want me to fuck you in the butt with my hung chin.”
Tater Head thinks she’s got this, but she doesn’t. Since Demi Moore is her daughter’s age (on the inside), she’ll steal this skirt and wear it out. When she does, she’ll show Tater Head how it’s really meant to be worn. It’s not meant to be worn with the cutouts on the side. It’s meant to be worn with the cutouts in the front and without panties. Tater Head tried.
It’s been almost two years since Katie Holmes has had to put her lips on Tommy Girl’s Thetan-covered mouth during a staged photo-op and judging by the way it looks like she’s been banging her head against a pillow to rid her mind of those memories, she’s still not over those traumatizing times.
Suri Cruise’s mom showed up to the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of her new movie Miss Meadows in NYC last night and she wore a dress that looks like an over-used maxi-pad with wings. You can take the girl out of Scientology, but you can’t take the “squeezed out of a third story bathroom window at the Scientology Celebrity Centre and fell into a bunch of bushes before running from Tommy Girl’s goons” look out of the girl. The “freshly attacked by a raccoon” hair is giving me Shelly Duvall circa 1980 and her dress reminds me of a tsunami of blood, so she looks like the end product of a Project Runway challenge where the designers were asked to create a cocktail look based on The Shining. But what’s most disturbing about this look are those pockets. Bitch is wearing pockets that are big enough to hold Tommy Girl and she’s not even using them to hold a bottle of wine or a bag of Fritos. The only reason to wear big ass pockets like that is to have the sweet nectar and refreshments at your disposal at all times. Suri, how could you let your mom leave the house like this?!
The forever Queen of the Ho Stroll and the greatest supermodel without a Barbizon degree has been laying low and I’m guessing it’s because
the paparazzi stopped returning her texts the ho stroll has been littered with such trash heap heffas and gutter garbage like the Jenners and Kardashians and it’s not the A-list glamour trail it was once. But Phoebe Price was back where she belongs, in front of the paparazzzi’s camera lenses, over the weekend at Coachella.
While all those under-the-barrel fames whores at Coochella tried too hard by doing themselves up like they were attacked by an Urban Outfitters outlet and the costume closet of a production of Peter Pan, PP kept is simple, demure and classic. Classic is wearing a dress that looks like something a brothel whore would wear during caveman times and an Alexis Carrington-approved funeral hat. PP probably wore that funeral hat, because being at Coachella makes you want to mourn the current state of ~fashun~.
This video of a pussy fishing for a pussy (or as Queen Latifah calls it, “a regular Friday night”) is 31 seconds long. I watched all 31 seconds of it and even laughed. It really is 420.
I know that last week I was instructing you to pack up your things and move to Colorado in order to be closer to that dreamy vending machine that sells weed, but there’s been a change of plans. We’re moving to Canada now. Yes, it’s cold as fuck. Yes, they elect crack-smoking assholes. Yes, the TV suuuuucks (edit: except for Big Brother Canada). But they’ve invented the Pizza Cake, so it will all be worth it.
A restaurant chain in Canada called Boston Pizza (aka Bostons aka Lil’ BoPeez aka My Favorite Restaurant Because I Am Trash) currently has a promotion on called “Pizza Game Changers” where people get to vote which potential new product will be made by Boston Pizza. Half of the ideas are Lohan-level dumb, like the gas-powered pizza cutter or the beard-shaped napkin, and a couple actually seem plausible (you know some gross fuck really wants to eat pizza-flavoured mints). But then there’s the Pizza Cake: six pizzas stacked on top of each other to form a girthy, thick pizza-filled fuck pile.
Even thought the Pizza Cake has more photoshopping than the face of a Kardashian, it’s the only product that looks real and more than 11,000 people have voted for it to be added to the menu. And since it’s Canada, it would be super-rude not to give the people what they asked for, so I’m betting $100 in Canadian Tire Money that the pizza cake will actually be served in Boston Pizzas across the country within a matter of months. Regardless of where you live, go ahead and vote for the Pizza Cake (it’s Canada; it would be rude to check IP addresses) if you want to make a Canadian’s dream come true.
And if the Canadian government is looking for a new national dish, I think they’ve found it. Nothing says “I’ve Got Free Healthcare” like the Pizza Cake.
In case you missed it, here’s a PSA warning you of the dangers of taking a video selfie when you’re a foot away from a moving train and not in the market to commit suicide. You don’t want to be that person who’s got the words “Death By Selfie” written on their tombstone. But you know, this could’ve been worse. A conductor’s boot to the face is a lot better than a yellow metal rod knocking your head off. That conductor’s boot saved him! So this is more like a selfie gone wrong gone right again.
And in the end, he might’ve earned the Dumb Bitch of the Day award of honor, but he did get a good selfie out of it.
It looks like he’s having a real intense conversation on his boot phone.
Another day, another trick in Hollywood getting surgery scar-hiding hair curtains….
Tommy Girl thought he was the hottest Hollywood bitch in new bangs until Catherine Zeta-Jones showed up to the opening night of the off-Broadway play The Library with her on-and-off-again piece Michael Douglas and her own new set of bangs. It hurts the nerves in my fingers to type this, but Tommy Girl works the bang look better and hopefully CZJ can clip those off once the lift scars finally heal. Because those bangs make her look even more like the original prototype for the JWoww plastic mannequin. Even Michael Douglas looks like he’s trying to pretend those bangs aren’t there.
Every dude in Hollywood who likes to get their prostates poked by a strap-on operated by a skinny ass model just crossed Heidi Klum’s name off of their list of potential pieces, because her strap-on game is whack. Not bending her piece over: – 100 points! Not pulling her piece’s hair: – 200 points! Yes, tapping his nip with her nail gets her 20 points, but it’s still not enough. Bitch needs strap-on training from Bland Eggs.
27-year-old art dealer and cougar magnet Vito Schnabel was getting on Demi Moore’s cougar cooch a little over a year ago and now he’s jumping on Heidi Klum’s 40-year-old titty sacks. Before Vito was boning Demi, he was doing Elle McPherson. Vito is certified cougar meat. So either the famous cougars just love a 20-something piece who knows his art and kind of looks like the human version of Spuds MacKenzie or Vito’s got a strong dick that can fuck the pre-menopause out of anyone.
Here’s a few more NSFW pictures of Heidi bringing some Vitamin D to her nips while hanging around with her new piece in Tulum, Mexico.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
Open Post: Hosted By Germany’s Most Precious Jewel Celebrating Easter The Way It Was Meant To Be Celebrated
Behold, the true reason for why Jesus rose from his grave! Jesus rose again so that in 2014 years, the fame whore pride of Germany Micaela Schäfer could pose in the middle of Berlin with nothing but a mortified rabbit, Easter egg nipple covers and a stuffed bunny pasty from the Half Euro Store covering her freshly waxed flower.
My retinas curled and secreted out glitter nectar yesterday when I laid my eyes on the twin swans of perfection Harald Glööckler and Amanda Lepore and they’re curling again while staring at these gorgeous pictures of Micaela redefining the definition of “demure” by once again airing her ass out in public for some quick attention. It wouldn’t be a holiday unless Micaela Schäfer, who is looking very Angel Schunard-ey in the face, is out there on the German stroll reminding the people of Berlin that she waxes everything off her body including her dignity.
But really, Micaela is taking serious risks to beautify the city of Berlin with her stunning elegance. If one of those egg pasties fell off, that rabbit would mistake her nipple for a newborn carrot and bite it off. If a fiber from that stuffed bunny got up into her snatch, she’d be celebrating Yeaster instead of Easter. Micaela Schäfer is suffering for the people! Just like Jesus! (Yes, I’ll get a chancleta slap to the face from my Catholic abuelita for that.)