With A Star Is Born coming out in a few months, Lady Gaga must think we forgot she’s not actually a normal brunette lady who wears jeans, eats turkey sandwiches, and only has like one nice going out purse. Her extreme reverse makeover for that film is the current version of Lady Gaga we are all walking around with in our heads and that is not O.K. To remind us all who the fuck she is, Ms. Gaga decided to pull a stunt and post some unsettling pictures on Instagram. A little something to wake the little monsters up in advance of her Las Vegas residency that’s scheduled to start in December. What’s perhaps more disturbing than the photos themselves, are the descriptions written by Billboard magazine in case you are too scared to actually look.
Your mom probably remembers the day she wrecked a pair of chonies by shooting a jet stream of coochie cream into ’em while watching hairy nippled hotness Lucky Vanous suck down a can of Diet Coke in a 1994 commercial that is an important panty creaming artifact. Well, bear lovers are going to mark August 13th down as the day that they wrecked a pair of chonies by prolapsing into ’em while watching queer rapper Big Dipper orgasm on the inside as a 2-liter Diet Coke bottle busts an endless carbonated jizz geyser all over him.
In case you’re uneducated in the subject of important panty creaming artifacts, the original Diet Coke Break commercial starred Lucky Vanous as a hot construction worker who makes the ladies in a nearby office building shoot their clits off every time he takes a topless Diet Coke break. Big Dipper put a gay bear spin on it, and I don’t know if those office gays are getting the swoons from that Diet Coke shower or from those denim huevos suffocaters. Or both!
This is what you call “suffering for your art,” because Big Dipper probably looks like a hairless bear now after that chemical sugar water burned all of his luscious fur off. It was worth it.
In other words, Nick Cannon has never looked hotter.
The 2018 Teen Choice Awards (known to us olds as The Annual Who’s Who Of Who Are These Fucking Children Gala) went down in L.A. yesterday, and as always, the dress code was “the fucked-up the better,” because teens always look a mess. Nick Cannon’s fashion philosophy is always, “If people’s brains don’t collapse into a puddle of WTF while looking at your outfit, you’re doing it wrong,” so he didn’t disappoint yesterday.
Nick brought his nipples out for the teens in a look that is what Bootsy Collins would put together if Bootsy Collins time-traveled back to the 90s and got a gig as one of Rico Suave’s back-up dancers. If you got a drop of Charlie Sheen’s blood during his coked-up tiger blood years and looked at it under a microscope, this is the hot-blooded neon foolery that would be looking right back at you. If Lisa Frank got into her ex-husband’s coke stash before designing the Olympic uniforms, this is what all the athletes would be wearing. What I’m saying is that Lisa Frank should definitely design the Olympic uniforms.
Nick Cannon is splattering our eyeballs with a lot of look and there’s really no calm place for your eyeballs to land, and yet my dick-hungry eyes are focused on the crotch area while lsearching for any sign of a peen print. “Does that blue tiger in the middle’s tongue look circumcised or not?” is a question I’ve actually asked myself today.
Remember Gay Pride rainbow supernova ass-shaker Mark Kanemura and his devastatingly fabulous performance of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Cut To The Feeling?” (How could you forget? One of my friends who is strangely delighted by public pratfalls probably played the vid where he eats the floor on a loop.) Mark was the official Gay Pride HSOTD this summer and people were throwing his vids at Carly Rae left and right. Well, Carly finally got around to performing with the human rainbow of prop drama and it went exactly as you imagined. It was WIGS, WIGS, and then some WIGS. All that was missing was the Babadook shitting glitter over everyone.
Get ready for some sacred information that could revolutionize our linen closets. This shrill but knowledgeable woman named Terri Metz has discovered a novel way to fold those fitted sheets that were one thought previously impossible to fold. It involves actually climbing INTO the sheet and using your feet and then your whole body! This would never have occurred to me. Honestly, if you look at my (and many others’) linen closet, there’s one shelf that is just stuffed with fitted sheets lacking any sort of organization. You could probably hide a corpse in there because no one would want to ever get near such a chaotic mess. Well, now, you’ll have to move that body because Terri Metz is a barefoot genius (via Neatorama)!
P.S. It should be noted that your blogger tried this attempt and couldn’t quite get it right. I almost asphyxiated myself with the sheet. It’s possible that your blogger is just a pinhead or this method takes practice. Anyway, I can hide a body in my linen closet again. Yay me!
It’s Friday, and we’ve all had our eye on the clock to hit 5 and bounce our ass right into happy hour and 2-for-1 margaritas at Chili’s. Well, down in New Zealand, one happy Kiwi sheep doesn’t need the end of the week to get his bouncing party going, his ass does it on the regular!
NZFarmer says the sheep’s owners must have a sick sense of humor because his name is Bacon. I guess it could be worse and they could have named him Mutton. Anyway, Bacon isn’t a regular sheep, he’s a cool sheep and prefers tricks on the family trampoline over just bahhhh ram you-ing in the pasture. I don’t know if New Zealand is hosting an Olympics in the near future, but there must be a few Olympic trampolinists clutching their b-holes knowing Bacon has a chance to sweep the medals at the next games. Plus, if he’s not performing his best, he’ll just put the competition to sleep as they count him and his bouncing…get it?? Counting sheep?? OK, I’ll let myself out.