Are you currently in Italy, looking for sex toys, and finding yourself a little short on cash this week? Hop on your moped and get yourself to the seaside by the Hermitage of Camaldoli. It’s on Italy’s western coast near Naples. According to The Sun, the probably alternately amused/disgusted lifeguards have had to close the beach due to an influx of dildos that have washed ashore.
I think the citizens of Colorado Springs, CO (aka the land of The Mad Pooper) can all heave out a sigh of relief knowing that their neighborhoods are being safeguarded by this furry-faced defender of the law. The Denver Post reported on this little guy who decided to hitch a ride on Officer Christopher Frabbiele’s patrol car as he was on the way to a call for a serious car accident. Eventually, Officer Frabbiele pulled over and the raccoon’s free ride was over. It hopped off and ran away. Colorado Springs PD even posted about it on their Facebook page.
Officer Ringtail is probably the best partner that Officer Frabbiele has ever had! Although I’m not sure that his passenger was exactly thrilled about his sudden journey. It looks like he’s clinging to that windshield for dear life and probably have been happier knocking over trash cans.
Expecting a Gallagher brother to bring a bit of sunshine to the world is a bit like expecting Pete Doherty to lead this weekend’s Sunday School class; not likely to happen. With that being said, you might want to remain seated for the following. Because watching Liam Gallagher looking like a lobotomized elephant as it works its way around the kitchen making tea is such an unexpected ray of light.
On today’s episode of This Has Happened Before And It Will Happen Again, a fermented naranja in a blond weave named Jessica Simpson was her usual kind of drunk last night and had to be helped to her car by her husband/human walking stick Something McWhatsHisFace. Now, ever since I had eyeball surgery five weeks ago, I’ve been off the booze, which is why my sober liver is singing “I’ve Never Had This Feeling Before” and also why BevMo! calls me daily to tell me how much they miss me. Since I’m a lightweight now, I got a quick, but fulfilling buzz, just from inhaling the vodka, gin, wine, whiskey, hand sanitizer, alcohol wipes breath wafting out of Jessica’s boozing hole. So thanks for that, Messica! A free buzz is always a good buzz.
And Jessica may consider becoming a polygamist so that she can marry another human walking stick, because it looks like she needs extra help.
You know you’re a next level kind of drunk when you’re the only one playing limbo with a limbo pole only you can see.
VH1 Hip Hop Honors aired last night, and the theme was The 90s Game Changers, so there were performances by Warren G, Trina, Trick Daddy, Lil’ Kim, Xscape, Fat Joe and Mimi, who will need to undergo physical therapy for at least three weeks since she really strained her legs by walking more than two steps on her own. Sure, VH1 fucked up by not including SWV, TLC and one of my favorite 90s rappers Sylk-E Fyne, but they made up for it by bringing out Missy Elliott and her chorus of steampunk goth insects.
A recreation of Missy’s She’s A Bitch video was jizzed up onto the stage, and the Madonna to CeeLo’s Gaga gave it so hard in latex that I’m sure many people ran off to the ER with rubber burns to their eyeballs. If The Fly was turned into a hip-hop musical using outfits from Burning Man…
That tub of Muscle Milk with 3-day stubble named Joe ManJello must’ve been busy last night doing more important things (like doing pinky lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his pinky, or doing b-hole lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his b-hole, etc), because Sofia Vergara brought her son Manolo Gonzalez-Ripoll Vergara as her date to the Emmys. And while I was calling 911 to report 45-year-old Sofia Vergara for disgustingly stealing Jane Fonda’s hair look, some on the internet were turning their chonies into a Swiss Miss factory by busting sixteen tons of tapioca crotch pudding over 25-year-old Manolo.
Manolo is Sofia’s son with her first husband, Joe Gonzalez, and since the children of celebrities will shrivel up and turn to dust if they don’t do at least one modeling shoot in their lives, he models sometimes. Manolo, who gives me a touch of Latino JFK vibes, isn’t really my type. He’s too young and looks too nice. I like the grizzled types who reek of whiskey, Irish Spring and bad decisions, and who never return my texts and start putting on their shoes one second after they bust one. But the internet’s nipples are getting hard for Manolo, and since he looks like a real-life cartoon Disney prince, they’re probably trying to woo him by making friends with birds or murdering their mom.
I swear, some people on the internet are so hard-up and desperate. Those horny whores act like they’ve never seen a man befor- Wait, hold that thought, I just saw that Carrot Top posted a picture of him holding a giant rocket dick and I need to grab the canola oil (I’m out of lube).