The Mentos/Diet Coke experiment has been around since the beginning of time, so most of you probably know what happens when the two touch. Mentos are a horny, middle-aged soccer mom and Diet Coke is Fifty Shades of Grey. When the two get together, liquid squirts everywhere. The Coke bottle becomes a geyser. So a YouTuber in Japan decided to find out what would happen if he covered his body in Mentos and then jumped into a tub full of Coke Zero. SPOILER ALERT: You may be disappointed, because dude doesn’t shoot through the roof and end up in the Pacific Ocean. He kind of just sits there in a foamy Coke bath, which looks like Mama June’s idea of a hot tub. The Epic Meal dudes did it better.
While watching this mess, I wondered how is it possible that someone hasn’t shot a YouTube video of them getting a Diet Coke enema after shoving a handful of Mentos up their culos? How has this not happened? I’d do it myself, but my ass has already been through enough.
Sing with me now: “Hold me closer, lion daaaaaancer“.
One of the more WTF-worthy headlines I saw this morning was “Lion Eats Prince William’s Head”. Naturally, my mind immediately went to a place that involved a segment from an episode of When Animals Attack: Royals Edition featuring Prince William calling for the help of The Queen’s elite team of RescueCorgis while a lion gnawed at his head like it was a loaf of sourdough.
As it turns out, it was far less dramatic and way more adorable than what I had imagined. PW was visiting The Chime of Hope Shopping Centre in Ishinomaki, Japan and he was greeted by several lion dancers. I don’t know much about lion dancers, besides the fact that they sort of look like Grubby from Teddy Ruxpin had a baby with a festive tablecloth, but I’m guessing they were going to town on Will’s cranium because it’s good luck to attempt to swallow the head of a royal dude. “That’s not the only royal dude whose head I’d like to go to town on, if you know what I’m saying” followed by a picture of Prince Hot Ginge is the text I’m predicting I’ll receive in about 5 seconds from Michael K.
Here’s more of PW getting some kisses (???) from his lion dancer friends. It’s a good thing Baby Prince George didn’t come with him, otherwise those lion dancer heads probably would have ended up getting yanked off and his mounted on his tiny baby trophy wall.
And here’s some fap material for all of you sucio freaks out there whose type is a dirty grifter who will bone you behind a Walmart and afterward wipe your genitals with his stained shirt before he smokes a USA Gold cigarette while pissing on the dumpster.
After getting coffee with his girlfriend Mia Goth in L.A. yesterday, Shia LaDouche served up some “Joe Dirt’s prison bitch second cousin” messiness for the paps. If Chloe Sevigny had a baby with the movie Gummo, it would look like Shia. If Shia and Mia showed up to an extras casting for a remake of Monster, the casting director would probably say, “Too much. Too much.” You know, Shia should really be a gentlemen and cut out a pair of eyebrows from his rattail for Mia.
And up until December, Shia had a shaved head, so either he has the ability to grow hair at lightning speed (if that’s the case, John Travolta would like to clone Shia’s scalp) or he’s wearing a rattail weave. I really can’t at him wearing a fake rattail. I don’t know whether to laugh my lungs up or bow at his commitment to Florida backwoods glamour.
I don’t know if he looks like Kelly Reilly, Jessica Chastain’s younger bird-like sister or Bryce Dallas Howard after a 75 day juice cleanse? Or all of the above? Let’s just say that he looks like every ginger Hollywood actress and call it a day.
Working Title tweeted this picture of brand new Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne as Lili Elbe in The Danish Girl. Lili Elbe (who kind of gives me Lady Gaga vibes) was one of the first people to get sex reassignment surgery in the 1930s. Here’s a plot summary from IMDB:
Inspired by the true story of Danish artists Einar Wegener and his wife Gerda, this tender portrait of a marriage asks: What do you do when someone you love wants to change? It starts with a question, a simple favor asked of a husband by his wife on an afternoon chilled by the Baltic wind while both are painting in their studio. Her portrait model has canceled, and would he mind slipping into a pair of women’s shoes and stockings for a few moments so she can finish the painting on time. “Of course,” he answers. “Anything at all.” With that, one of the most passionate and unusual love stories of the twentieth century begins.
It’s currently shooting and its director is Tom Hooper who directed The King’s Speech and directed Eddie in Les Miserables. It also stars Alicia Vikander as Gerda as well as Amber Heard and Ben Wishaw. IMDB says The Danish Girl is coming out in 2016, but it’ll most likely come out later this year just in time for the OSCUHs!
Tom Hooper directing a movie about a transgender artist played by Eddie Redmayne… We all know where this is going. Tom Hooper + a period piece + a biopic + Eddie Redmayne as a transgender pioneer = Let’s not even bother with a 45-hour-long Oscar ceremony next year, because it’s obvious that this movie and Eddie Redmayne are going to get all the awards. Nobody else should even bother. Just polish off a few trophies with Leonardo DiCaprio’s tears, hand them over to Tom and Eddie, and let’s keep it moving. See you at the 2017 Oscars!
Here’s Eddie and his Hannah Bagshawe at Heathrow a few days ago.
While making #FREEARIZONALLAMAS t-shirts with puffy paint just right now, I took a break to scroll through pictures from the Gucci show in Milan and a piece of my childhood did the slow wall slide of NOOOOOO when my eyes landed on this picture of what looks like the corpse of Fizzgig from The Dark Crystal. NOT FIZZGIG!
According to Gucci, Fall 2015 is all about Wookie footwear and pubes for your shoes. Some shoes look like Khloe Kardashian’s hooves in their natural state and other shoes look like they were covered in gerbil pubes. How dreadful. If the designers at Gucci thought to themselves, “Hmmm, let’s make some crap that’s even uglier than UGGs,” they should give themselves twenty pats on the taint for accomplishing their mission. It looks like that model is foot fucking a gigantic guinea pig in the butt. Call the ASPCA now.
Why would you want to wear something that looks like it used to live on Donald Trump’s head? It’s only the perfect shoe for you if you’ve always wanted to get your ankles gnawed on by coyotes, because as soon as you step out in the those things all the beasts of the wild are going to come out and attack your feet. With that being said, I really can’t wait to see hos on a budget try to recreate these shoes using old Vans, Super Glue and discarded weaves found on the floor of the club.
I’ve also thrown in a few NSFW pictures of the clothes if you really want to see some shit that’s a cross between young Tootsie and costumes from The Royal Tenenbaums porn parody.
What does “an abandoned puppy sitting in the rain,” “an “In-N-Out with a closed sign on it,” and, “an empty bag of the good shit on a Friday night at 11:45 when your local weed shop is closed,” have in common? They are all in the sad file along with Michael Keaton shoving his acceptance speech back into his jacket pocket after losing the Best Actor Oscar to Eddie Redmayne on Sunday night. The Oscars were on Sunday night and it’s Tuesday, but thankfully some people are still analyzing ever piece of it to find stuff to post. Sometime before Cate Blanchett came out to hand over the award for Best Actor, Michael Keaton took his speech out and after the cut is a Vine (via Vulture) of him putting it away as Eddie Redmayne (WHO ROBBED HIM OF THAT WIN) goes on stage. Sadness ahead:
During that bit on the Oscars last night where Neil Patrick Harris pointed out the seat fillers in the audience, I nearly shook my head off of my neck when none of the seat fillers were the Meryl Streep of seat fillers Phoebe Price! How are they going to devote an entire part of the Oscars to seat fillers and not feature the most famous seat filler of them all? I didn’t even recognize the seat fillers they used. They were like the Dakota Johnson of seat fillers, if that. You know, the Oscars probably couldn’t afford PP’s fee (2 drink tickets and validated parking), because they spent it on whatever they stuffed in Neil Patrick Harris’ chonies.
But PP didn’t need them! She had bigger and better things to do like attend Elton John’s Oscar viewing party. Since Elton John’s Oscar party was filled with a bunch Zz-listers like Miley Cyrus, Hilaria Baldwin and Jesse Metcalfe, PP was gracious enough to bring some A-list power to it by showing up. I bet if you asked anyone at Elton John’s party what they thought of the Oscars, they’d shrug and say they don’t know, because they were too busy watching the forever stunning Chicken Cutlets sip on champagne and nibble on chicken (yes, she’s the most gorgeous cannibal ever). That was the real show.
And if you asked Jabba the Hutt who the best dressed of the Oscars was, he’d definitely tell you it was PP, because she’s giving me bizarro world Princess Leia in a dress that looks like it’s covered in dragon herpes. PP is once again setting trends and next season when you see couture designers sending dragon herpes dresses down the runway, you’ll know who started it all.
Either Ryan Seacrest is wearing more Wet ‘N Wild foundation than usual or he’s busy renegotiating his contract with Satan and so E! put an animatronic wax figure in his place. It’s definitely not the latter, because I just started watching the E! red carpet and Ryan looks hollow inside as usual. An animatronic wax figure would’ve acted just a little bit more human-like.
The Oscars red carpet has started and we’ve got about 45 hours of that and then another 60 hours of the actual show. The Oscars will last longer than Boyhood’s entire shooting schedule. I just watched Kelly Osbourne gasp and say that Faith Hill’s British schoolboy haircut is tonight’s first jaw-dropping moment. Bitch, really? It’s going to be a long night and if you switch from drinking wine to smoking track, nobody here will judge you for that.
Speaking of booze, tonight’s drinking game is: Every time a winner is announced and you think to yourself, “Should’ve been the fake baby from American Sniper,” take a long drink. So basically, you’ll be filling your mouth hole with the sweet nectar after the winner of every category is announced, because that fake baby should win it all. We’re going to need a bigger liquor cabinet.
No, you’re not looking at a shot from the Before They Were Stars segment on the fake baby from American Sniper. A future Nobel Prize recipient named Simon Philion has launched a Kickstarter campaign to raise money for an invention called The Cool Baby. The Cool Baby is a fake baby that you can fill with the drinkable party liquid of your choice, then strap to your body BabyBjorn-style, allowing you to secretly suck booze through the top of the baby’s head. Currently he’s raised a little more than $13,000 of the $70,000 goal. Fuck Kickstarter, he should be taking that shit to Shark Tank. Think bigger, buddy!
The Cool Baby is a perfect invention, because everyone loves drinking and everyone loves babies. Sure, some people might wonder why the hell you keep kissing your baby’s head, and real detective types might wonder why you’re kissing a fake baby’s head, but who cares? You’re getting drunk on the sly, and that’s the best kind of drunk. Sadly, The Cool Baby isn’t a real thing just yet, so until then, it looks like I’m stuck with the old Shampoodle-filled-with-red-wine trick.
Here’s the video for The Cool Baby, and one of the suggested uses is for hands-free drinking and cleaning. Cleaning? Come on, that’s a stretch; everybody knows the best way to clean and drink is with a Guzzler Helmet.
When I first saw these pics, I had to adjust my eyes for a minute, because I thought it was Santa Claus Danny Tanner. But it’s Stephen Colbert looking like he just ate out a snowman’s ass at the 10th annual Oscar Wilde Awards in Santa Monica, CA last night. Colbert told The Daily Beast that he decided to let his glorious beard be great, because he can and is in between gigs right now.
“I have not allowed this to happen to my face since college because I’ve been working professionally pretty constantly since then. I have like nine months where nobody has to see me so I said, ‘I wonder what I look like?’ In a pre-industrial stainless steel razor’s edge society, this is what I would have looked like all the time.”
The bottom of Stephen Colbert’s face looks like the crotch of a hippie grandma. So based on that description alone, yes, yes, I’d hit.
And here’s a few more pictures from last night including some of John Cho, Beverly D’Angelo and Carrie Fisher with an adorable dog friend who really doesn’t want to be there.