Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By Joseph Gordon-Levitt Giving You Body In Black Chonies

February 7, 2016 / Posted by:

Petite boy nymph Joseph Gordon-Levitt has always been “meh” to me, but seeing his uneven crotch beard sticking out of some black chonies while he sticks his hairy gut out and smokes on a miniature joint is doing things to my senses. Dude looks like a stoner Christian Grey. He’s giving me Fifty Shades of Funyuns.

JGL was crowned Harvard University’s Hasty Pudding Man of the Year on Friday and before he got to take home his award, he was roasted and had to complete a few challenges. JGL had to go through a bunch of obstacles like dry humping a drag queen’s ass and sucking on a cow’s tit like it was a rock hard peen. I know, Hasty Pudding calls those “obstacles” and Charlie Sheen it a slow weeknight.

And yes, yes, I’d hit it. I’d put on a cow costume and let him hit it while sucking on a fake joint.

Pic: AP, Getty

Open Post: Hosted By Salma Hayek’s Hot Hospital Shirt

February 6, 2016 / Posted by:

Salma Hayek had to go to the hospital the other day after she busted her head while shooting scenes for her new movie Drunk Parents. (Side note: Drunk Parents is from the makers of Grown-Ups 2. Bitch knows she’s a billionaire’s wife, right?! She does not need a check that bad.) Salma was checked out and everything turned out to be okay. While she was at the hospital, Salma saved the lives of some patients dying of dehydration by giving them leche from her world-saving magnificent chichis and she also took this picture with the doctors who treated her. Salma threw the pic up on Instagram and explained why she was wearing a t-shirt with the white lady version of Janet Jackson’s Rolling Stone cover on it.

I had to be rushed from set to the ER for a minor head injury. Unfortunately my wardrobe for the scene was completely inappropriate for the hospital. Thank you to doctors Foster and Ellspermann for taking such good care of me! And don’t worry it didn’t make me any crazier than I was! #hospital #emergency #doctors #nude #wardrobe

Before I read Salma’s explanation for why she’s wearing that elegant t-shirt, I figured that she finally fired her stylist, got some taste and has started wearing truly sophisticated outfits. I’m sad it’s only a costume. But really, if soggy tampon Piers Morgan wasn’t busy jacking his rage boner to all the titty pictures Susan Sarandon’s supporters are sending him, he’d let Salma Hayek know how inappropriate it is for her to show cleavage at a hospital!

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Open Post: Hosted By Henry Cavill’s Hot Hairy Nipples And Furry Stomach Rug

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Henry Cavill posted this picture on Instagram today of him doing Superman training for the Justice League movie. It took me a while to notice his face (“Wait, there’s a face in that picture? Where?!” – you while licking the screen and typing at the same time), but when I did I noticed that his facial expression was a cross between an O face and a “concentrating really hard on trying to poot out a stubborn fart” face. But then again, isn’t there a thin line between someone’s O face and someone’s fart face? I need to stop before I find another way to ruin this hotness even more than I have.

And someone really needs to tell Henry that if he’s serious about his Superman training, he needs to do naked jumping jacks in a SnapChat video. I mean, the real Superman did that while training. I read that in a Superman comic book or something.

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Open Post: Hosted By My New Favorite Couple Aaron Carter And Chrissy Crocker!

February 4, 2016 / Posted by:

The year 2000 and the year 2007 has crashed together in a meth-induced haze and produced 2016’s greatest new IT couple: Aaron Carter and Chris Crocker!

Hilary Duff no longer has to worry about walking into her bathroom and finding her ex-stalker Aaron Carter making out with her toilet seat or spooning with the towel she used that morning while wearing her dirty panties like a face mask, because he has found himself a much hotter and sexier piece. The “LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOONE twink turned (that link is very NSFW —–>) power top porn star Chris Crocker posted this precious picture on Instagram of him cuddling up to his new boo Aaron Carter. Chrissy Crocker added this sugar-coated gumdrop to the pic:

Aaron found his candy

This totally genuine and real union probably started blooming right after Chrissy Crocker made a “LEAVE AARON CARTER ALOOOONE” video because the haters came for his man for refusing to do one of the only songs of his people know. Yes, they’re obviously faking this for Instagram likes, but I’m still going to choose to believe that their A-list love is for real and they will soon share it in a reality show that will rival Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. I mean, they already have their first scene for it:

And here’s Aaron showing off his meth abs on Instagram while looking like the kind of dirty hustler who uses plastic bags and rubber bands as condoms and will steal your wallet while he does you next to a dumpster. What I’m trying to say is that Chrissy Crocker is one lucky trick!

Open Post: Hosted By Willem Dafoe As Marilyn Monroe

February 3, 2016 / Posted by:

Just when we’re beginning to think that everyone is going to leave Marilyn Monroe alone and let her finally rest, they pull out her image again and use it for all sorts of things including peddling Snickers. We all know that Marilyn would never hawk some crap like Snickers. She’d only be the face of refined chocolate brands like Symphony and Russell Stover. But well, someone leased out her face to Snickers for their “You’re Not You When You’re Hungry” campaign. I’m not mad because it got Willem Dafoe in that Seven Year Itch dress and white panties.

Here’s Snickers’ Super Bowl commercial starring Willem Dafoe as a grouchy Marilyn Monroe. Don’t you even say that Willem needs to better his tuck game. No, he doesn’t. Willem’s tuck game gets an F and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And yes, yes, I’d hit it. Pull those panties to the side, Miss Willem Monroe!

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Open Post: Hosted By A Little Wiener Dog Showing Us How To Win A Squeaky Toy Fight

February 2, 2016 / Posted by:

The first 35, or so, seconds of this video is pretty normal. You know, it’s just a little dog named Georgia Louise and a big dog named Angus having a normal play fight over a Care Bear squeaky toy. (Side note: Yes, my 80s self is squeezing out a rainbow tear over those dogs gnawing on a Care Bear toy, but I still have to give them credit for having impeccable taste in squeaky toys.) But after a little while of that Care Bear tussle, Georgia Louise realizes that she’s probably not going to beat a trick bigger than her in a game of brawn. So Georgia Louise busts out a Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games move. Watch and learn:

Wait for it….Georgia Louise (1 year old mini dachshund)Angus (4 month old bloodhound / black lab)Jukin Media Verified (Original)* For licensing / permission to use: Contact – licensing(at)jukinmediadotcom

Posted by Stephanie Young Johnson on Monday, January 25, 2016

 

Thank you, Georgia Louise! Now I know how to outsmart my rival when fighting for a Care Bear squeaky toy. And yes, I’m technically an adult, but I’m sure I’ll find myself fighting over a Care Bear toy in the future.

via Facebook via Tastefully Offensive 

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Open Post: Hosted By EJ Johnson Exuding Goth Alien Cheerleader Glamour

February 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Strangely enough, I’ve never asked myself the question, “If Planet Grace Jones had its own basketball team, what would its cheerleaders wear?” But even though I’ve never asked that question, EJ Johnson gave me the answer and HOW when he made b-holes pucker themselves raw in Las Vegas on Friday night. Ever since Magic Johnson’s son lost a whole lot of chunk, he’s been dressing his body in the finest ho shit couture including this ensemble.

After EJ Johnson served up rah-rah martian hotness at his friend/reality show co-star Dorothy Wang’s birthday party at 1 OAK on Friday night, I’m sure the dogs in Calabasas went crazy from hearing a high-pitched nasally screech across the land. It was from the Kartrashians letting out a whore wail of jealousy after seeing EJ wear the ensemble one of them was supposed to wear in front of the paps the next day. And EJ obviously wore it better. I hope EJ keeps fucking up their fame whore game by wearing their outfits before they do.

Here’s more nipple-hardening pictures of EJ Johnson with Dorothy Wang on Friday night. If you got to this post after Googling “nipple-hardening pictures of a johnson and a wang,” this is obviously not what you were looking for, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to fap to it.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Co-Hosted By Leonardo DiCatchAHo And His Vape Pen

January 31, 2016 / Posted by:

Leonardo DiCatchAHo won Best Actor for The Revenant at the Screen Actors Guild Awards last night, and during his SAGs acceptance speech (or as Leo calls it, “The dress rehearsal for my Best Actor OSCUH speech!“) he never once thanked his precious vape pen. Leo brought his vape pen as his date and they shared many intimate moments together, but yet he didn’t thank it once! Leo put his mouth all over it, had a romantic dinner with it and whispered sweet promises into its mouthpiece, but didn’t thank it on stage.  How cold of Leo. That vape pen is the Chad Lowe of 2016.

During last night’s SAGs, Leo sat back and vaped, and of course it lit up Twitter and became a meme for a minute (but in the future isn’t EVERYTHING going to be a meme for a minute). You know, some vape-hater once told me that vapes and e-cigarettes still causes plenty of air pollution and now I know for sure that’s not sure. Because the saint of the environment Leonardo DiCaprio would never do anything to fuck up the environment more.

And because you’re probably wondering, yes, I’ve already put that picture in Photoshop and replaced that vape with a peen in every shape, color and size.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

Open Post: Hosted by Daisy Lowe Giving You S&M Nicki Minaj

January 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Last night, Gavin Rossdale’s one-time secret love child and (insert whatever she does here) Daisy Lowe celebrated her 27th birthday at London’s Tape nightclub with the usual suspects–Rita Ora, Nick Grimshaw, Laura Whitmore and her boyfriend Thomas Cohen. Yes, that Thomas Cohen who was married to her deceased friend, Peaches Geldof. Scandal aside…

Apparently, Daisy wanted to prove she’s as daring as they come and decided to wear two frocks that would cause a pious woman to shriek, “What the fuck is she wearing?” For her first look, the model (Who knew she worked?) channeled Kim Kardashian and Nicki Minaj in a pink concoction of an outfit that resembled a condom lightly dipped in Pepto-Bismol. Daisy’s latex dress was see-through, which is bizarre, but luckily she kept it coy with pasties. She followed that look with an actual negligee and tried to be conservative by throwing on a boa cape. I know she thought she was pulling off some next-level Rihanna haute couture but she ended up looking like an extra in a Glamour Shots photo shoot. Both outfits essentially make her look like a kitsch-y call girl. But the real question is this: For someone who’s a socialite why does Daisy buy her wigs from Ali Express like Aretha Franklin does? Does that site have a discount deal for the one percent?

Pics: Splash

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Open Post: Hosted By Robin Givens Giving The Performance Of A Lifetime As Wendy Williams

January 29, 2016 / Posted by:

In 2008, Wendy Williams’ autobiography Wendy’s Got the Heat was turned into a $3 million movie called Queen of Media and it starred Robin Givens in the title role. The movie never saw the light of a theater, a basic cable channel or even a discount bin at Best Buy. Wendy said a few years ago that the movie will never be released because the finished product wasn’t up to her standards. I’ve seen how Wendy dresses, so I know her standards aren’t that high! There has to be another reason for why she didn’t want the public to see this, because judging by the trailer alone, it is a magnificent work of HIGH ART!

The trailer was leaked onto YouTube in October, but it’s been making the rounds the past few days. The $3 million budget must have been spent on the shit everyone involved smoked while making it because it wasn’t spent on production values, wigs or a passable Diddy impersonator. This 3-minute-long trailer is pure perfection from Salt-N-Pepa’s cameo to “Wendy” doing Kristen Stewart’s one facial expression while wall sliding after getting high.

It’s a sad time in Hollywood when movies like The Martian get nominated for Best Picture while cinematic jewels like this are kept from the public!

via ONTD

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