DListed goddess and constant source of inspiration, Mary Carey, put herself forward as a potential nominee for Donald Trump‘s running mate yesterday. She unveiled a poster she had made featuring her and Donald as well as why she’s a qualified candidate. Personally, I think she seems very qualified just based on how high she can get that leg up!
Donald is new to the politics game, so he should thank his lucky stars that someone with as much experience as Mary has even considered running alongside him. Carey’s first foray into politics was in 2003 during the California recall election that ended with Arnold Schwarzenegger becoming governor of California, but clearly Mary should have won. She then announced her bid in 2005 for Lieutenant Governor of California but had to drop out for personal reasons. That’s way more know how in the political field than Donald has shown! And her list of qualifications is far more extensive and eloquent than his. My personal favorite is the bullet point that she is “good against Hillary because [she’s] used to girl on girl.”
Let’s hope Donald does the right thing and chooses our elegant flower as his VP hopeful. Here’s more from her very demure announcement:
Yesterday the TSA sent me a letter saying that I was put on the Do Not Fly To Florida list, and that could only mean one thing: The Invictus Games begin next week in Orlando, FL and Prince Hot Ginge will be there!
The Invictus Games were started by PHG, and they’re a Paralympic-style sporting event involving a bunch of countries. Since it’s happening in the US this year, Michelle Obama has been helping to promote it, and this morning, she tweeted a video of message and her and President Obama pretty much puffing their chests up at PHG. (Michelle Obama also showed off her impeccable teleprompter-reading skills in that video.) PHG answered back with help from THE QUEEN! THE QUEEN spit out a verbal eye roll at the Obamas’ threat and that was PHG’s cue to drop the mic. I’m jealous of the Obamas, because I wish PHG would drop his mic on me, and yes, that’s a euphemism.
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) April 29, 2016
I bet that clip was highly edited. I bet that in the raw footage, THE QUEEN takes off her earrings, kicks off her shoes and goes after the phone while swinging her pocketbook as PHG and her Corgis try to hold her back. Don’t come for THE QUEEN unless she sends for you!
And here’s PHG making chonies go BOOM while working a tuxedo at the BT Sports Industry Awards in London last night.
The Game really needs to take Usher under his thirsty wing and show that trick how to really take a dick-flashing selfie, because this mess is the direct opposite of sexy.
Buzzfeed says that Usher threw up a Snapchat Story this morning that included a tour of his house and a naked selfie with the caption, “Blowing off steam.” I hear you thinking to yourself, “I didn’t know that one of Justin Bieber’s nicknames is Steam.” Usher meant that he was in the steam shower, and if he’s still in there, someone pull him out STAT, because that mess is shrinking his body. It looks like he’s got uncooked hot dog legs. Because of that angle and that sad look on his face, he looks like a malnourished Tweety Bird if a malnourished Tweety Bird transformed into a human. Sally Struthers is about to host an infomercial, benefiting Usher.
The full NSFW picture is after the cut, and the only good thing to come out of this selfie is that we can see the tip:
Paging PETA! Paging PETA! Come save this sad and tragic beast. And that horse needs your help too. I know you want to GONG me for that one, but you should really be using your hands to call the authorities on Katie Price’s ass!
Every time Katie Price takes a caca, she has to hold a photo call around it. She holds a photo call for every single thing she puts out and usually her photo calls lift me up to the heavens and beyond, but she has gone too far this time! Katie is starring in some TLC reality show called Katie Price’s Pony Club, and that might sound like some not right Equus shit. But it’s actually a show that follows Katie as she teaches two of her children, Junior and Princess Tiaamii, how to ride a horse. (Yes, even TLC in the UK is a leading purveyor of foolery.) Katie launched her newest reality shit show with a photo call starring herself, Junior, Princess TiaAndTamera, her latest husband, some other kids and a horse who didn’t sign up for that ridiculousness.
I am all for Katie Price doing herself up like some busted down whorse showgirl at a Brony-themed club who turns tricks in a stall for hay and sugar cubes, but I cannot condone what she’s done to that THOT (that horse over there). That poor horse didn’t ask to be done up like Swift Wind’s broke cousin named Slow Fart who got its clothes from a former child beauty queen’s yard sale and at a party store’s going out-of-business sale.
Where is an equine diarrhea attack when that horse really needed it? I would so not be mad at that horse if it made a shitty mess during that photo call. Although, I will say that horsey’s FML up-eye game should win all the blue ribbons.
Last week, whoever is responsible for the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie released a publicity picture of Elizabeth Banks as villainess bad bitch Rita Repulsa, and I think it put a rash on my eyeballs, because she looked like a mutated Poison Ivy. Well, now here’s a bunch of pictures from the Canadian set in Vancouver of Elizabeth Banks’ full costume, and I don’t really see a mutated Poison Ivy anymore. I see Lady CaCa circa Born This Way in a costume that was inspired by the aloe vera plant she had an intense conversation with while tripping on LSD. Like I said yesterday, I was on a boat this weekend and got a sunburn, so I just want to reach through the screen, rip off a piece of Rita’s aloe vera costume and rub it on my skin.
I also see a bunch of She-Ra action figures mashed up into one, and that makes me sad. Because I wish that Hollywood would’ve done a She-Ra movie instead of a damn Power Rangers movie. It’s not too late! They can still scrap that Power Rangers shit, and use the costumes to make 80s dreams come true by doing a She-Ra movie. I mean, with just a few tweaks, Elizabeth’s busted Rita Repulsa costume can be changed into a gorgeous Double Trouble costume!
Please, Hollywood, make this happen. Do something right for once!
And as Alexander Skarsgard strut his viking ass past that parking meter, it squirted out a stream of jizz from its coin slot. ASkars kept struttin’ because he’s used to that by now.
Just the other day, I was wondering if the human form of a mud-covered Glastonbury Wellie, Alexa Chung, was still swinging her poon from Tarzan’s dick vine, and I got my answer over the weekend. The paparazzi somehow magically caught ASkars and the professional festival goer holding hands while leaving some restaurant in Studio City, CA. These pictures are honestly kind of unnatural and weird to me. I mean, why would you hold ASkars’ hand when you can hold his peen while walking down the street? Also, why would you go to a restaurant to eat? If your ASkars’ piece and he says to you, “I’m hungry,” you’d immediately rip off your clothes and serve lunch on your bare crotch. That’s what any normal and sane person would do!
Something in the Swedish leche ain’t clean about this and I would investigate further, but right now I need to file a police report against Alexa Chung’s thieving ass. Trick obviously broke into my mom’s garage, went through the cardboard boxes and stole the outfit my sister wore on 3rd grade picture day in the 80s.
The PR wizards in Hollywood have been working really hard to sell you grudge match battle smash ups lately. Batman v Superman and The Hunstman: Spring’s Flop have been shoved in our faces to the point that I can’t even feel my face anymore, and no, it has nothing to do with what I did last night so don’t go there. Those big studio pushers have clearly been making all that effort to try and cover up the true battle movie of the year… THE GRUDGE VS THE RING!
They knew the second we got wind of this sure to be masterpiece we would give even less of a shit about a Batman with a man rack and two questionable drag queens slinging mirrors and ice at each other. This is exactly the kind of knock down, all out brawl we’ve been waiting for since Freddy vs Jason, starring Kelly Rowland, graced the screen. The Japanese always do it better so I’m going to really have to work hard to prepare myself for this. Sadako captured our hearts and scared the shit out of me when she popped her ass out of TVs in The Ring and later as Samara in the US remake and Kayako slowly contortion walked her way to us in The Grudge and its American remakes. It was only a matter of time before these titans of J-Horror met to duke it out.
It comes out June 16 in Japan and has no US release date yet, but I’m sure it’ll find its way to DVD somehow… or cursed VHS tape that goes around to Academy voters and says they have seven days to give it all the Oscars or they’ll die aka forced to watch All About Steve. Let’s all raise our Sunday drinks to these two little Japanese ghost girls showing the big boys how you really do a fight!
(via A.V. Club)
Summer is almost here, so I’m really busy trying to decide what I’m going to be quenching myself with during the hot, hot heat. Will it be iced tea? Will I go for my traditional Arnold Palmer? Perhaps just sparkling water with lemon if I’m feeling European. Luckily, we have celebrities to tell us what to think and do. Tonight, Beyonce is premiering Lemonade on HBO, which I assume is going to be three hours of her giving lemonade recipes and just generally talking about how much she likes lemonade. But, another member of Destiny’s Child is also here to give us a drink recommendation. Kelly Rowland is the new face of Seagram’s Escapes, a wine cooler type drink.
Thank god there’s a classy new drink to sip and get a slight buzz from before having to throw up because all that sugar sitting in your stomach on a hot day is a recipe for disaster. I’ve been at a loss, and quite frankly, very sad, since the passing of Zima, eight years ago, so thank god for this. Kelly keeps it fun and upbeat in this gorgeous and expensive looking commercial. She’s really selling it to me that she’s doing this because she really loves the product and a sizeable paycheck has nothing to do with it. She even recorded this song for them and definitely not for an album that most likely isn’t coming out.
Like the commercial says, take your party – and your worrying relationship to alcohol – to the next level! Who needs Lemonade when you’ve got Kelly and wine coolers?!
President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama are in England now, because before they leave office, they wanted to use their connections to meet the future King of England who will probably use his powers to take back the United States in 60 years. Prince George lives a hectic life and he somehow managed to squeeze in a quick meet-and-greet with POTUS and FLOTUS in between his pre-bedtime shiatsu massage and his goodnight ritual (aka talking on the phone with his memaw THE QUEEN to discuss his plan to eventually takeover the colonies when the crown becomes his!).
You can tell that Prince George is shaking POTUS’ hand while saying, “I’m sorry, ‘ol chap, but I must retreat to my bed chambers to continue working on my plans to make your little country all mine. Cheerio!” I know, I should be scared of Prince George’s eventual worldwide domination, but I’m too busy awww-ing over that widdle monogwammed bathwobe!
After POTUS and FLOTUS paid their respects to the future King of England (and the United States), they met up with Prince Hot Ginge for dinner at Kensington Palace. I can’t wait to see the pictures of the Obamas looking all twisted up while stumbling out of Kensington Palace at 4am after doing Fireball body shots and dancing to EDM with PHG.
Prince was a master at many things like accessorizing his luscious chest fur with just the right amount of gold, making the floor boards jizz with his strut, easily snatching away the spotlight from absolutely anyone (including that other royal THE QUEEN on her born day) and giving the Internet GIFs we’ll always remember. Prince was one of the King of GIFs and many of his animated portraits of fierceness will make you want to reach for the smelling salts. But you won’t know whether to inhale the smelling salts through your nose, because your head is feeling light-headed or inhale the smelling salts through your genitals, because your fuck parts are feeling light-headed. I’ve put a few of Prince’s best GIF moments after the cut, and they’re really just the tip of the sexy iceberg: