Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By These Ridiculous $425 Fake Mud-Smeared Jeans

April 25, 2017 / Posted by:

Have you been thinking about creating a pair of holey jeans with a fake piss stain on the crotch (à la Fergie) and charging $2,300 a pair for them? Well, start tearing some denim and get the trademark on manufactured pee pee stains, because now is the time. 2017 is the year of fucked-up denim. There was the window pane knee jeans from Toshop and then there was Vetements’ $1,870 fart vent jeans. And now a luxury denim brand (their words, not mine) called PRPS is selling a pair of $425 jeans for people who want to look like they’ve been working in the farm all day but don’t want to actually work in the farm all day, because dirt is gross, eww!!!!Open Post: Hosted By These Ridiculous $425 Fake Mud-Smeared Jeans From Nordstrom

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Open Post: Hosted By Kenny G Serenading Passengers On A Plane

April 24, 2017 / Posted by:

While United is ordering airport police to drag paying customers out of their seats and American Airlines is making moms hysterically bawl, Delta is filling the ears of their passengers with the soft velvety notes ejaculating out of Kenny G’s saxophone. Every doctor’s office’s favorite artiste played a mini-mini concert on an early morning Delta flight from Tampa to L.A. on Saturday. That seems really damn cruel. If Kenny G’s music is like sandpaper on your nerves, then it’s torture having to listen to him while trapped in a flying metal prison where the only exit is a door to doom. And if Kenny G’s music does things to you, then it’s not right to have to sit through a long flight in a puddle of the snatch syrup that leaked out of you while watching that curly-haired adonis blow on his sax. But it was for a good cause!

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Open Posted: Hosted By Two Rats Compromising

April 23, 2017 / Posted by:

Or, if you want to keep it literal, it’s “two subway rats splitting a bagel.”

Michael K sent me this link and joked that it’s probably going to be a Pixar movie someday. I don’t find anything about this remotely funny. “Revulsion” and “terror” are my words du jour when it comes to rodents. If I saw this taking place, I’d be out of that subway station and requesting an Uber so fast that those rats wouldn’t have time to spread the cream cheese.

You know in cartoons when a lady sees a mouse and loses her shit completely? I’m her. There is nothing remotely catlike, dexterous, or X-Men about me. But, there was an incident with a mouse at my day job one time, where I literally sprung into a cyborg ninja backflip and landed on a desk when a tiny, snowy-white, squeaking critter announced its presence on our office floor. That’s how much I don’t do rodents. Ok, I’m exaggerating, and my fat body knocked over someone’s blended iced mocha and broke their monitor when I belly-flopped onto their desk in terror. I can’t lie to you people.

If you can stomach it, watch rats fight and then open their hearts to each other over a bagel in the video from Gothamist, below. Do I hear CHILDREN giggling in the background? Some parent let their kids watch this disturbing incident? Hopefully someone called DCF on that parent, because that’s just wrong.

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By The New “Futuristic Evil” McDonalds Uniforms

April 22, 2017 / Posted by:

If the Death Star had a food court and that food court had a McDonalds, well – feast your eyes on what the uniforms would have looked like. Grand Moff Tarkin on the fryolator! This is what you see when you order your Chicken McNuggets pre-blowing Alderaan to bits. Paelofuture is showing off the new McDonalds USA uniforms and damn, monochrome space drab.

The new togs are by designers Waraire Boswell and Bindu Rivas, and were supposedly developed based on feedback from employees and customers. Were everyone’s serotonin reuptake inhibitors malfunctioning the time this survey was distributed?

“Our new collections focus on comfort, fit, functionality and contemporary professionalism, delivering a uniform that crew and managers will feel comfortable to work in and proud to wear,” said Jez Langhorn, McDonald’s Senior Director of HR. “Beyond that, it’s another step in the company’s continuous effort to raise the bar by investing in people and improving the restaurant experience with a focus on hospitality.”

Life is morbid and depressing enough. I go to McDonald’s to eat life-shortening food to get through the bad stuff in life. It’s going to be difficult to inhale my two delicious apple pies for a buck, with a reminder that lonely death is the endgame for all of us staring me right in the face.

Pic: McDonalds

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Open Post: Hosted By B. Coop And His Hot Double

April 21, 2017 / Posted by:

Believe it or not, but Warner Bros. hasn’t realized that they made a bad, bad decision and pulled the plug on the 876th remake of A Star Is Born. A Dirt Star Is Born is still filming, and after shooting scenes at Coachella earlier this week, that future shit show’s director, Bradley Cooper, and his hot double shot scenes in L.A. yesterday. B. Coop looks like a beach hobo who lives under a pier and scares children who are looking for seashells, so thankfully, his double brought the hotness. That peek of stomach skin… That flash of shiny chest…. That sassy hands-on-hips pose that makes b-holes pucker themselves raw…. A star is born and that star is B. Coop Two!

This latest Star Is Born is a country-fied version, and B. Coop plays a fading country star named Jackson Maine and Lady Gaga plays a country singer named Ally. Andrew Dice Clay plays her dad. That shit sounds like the ingredients for a perfect flop. Just the thought of Bradley Cooper crooning out a country song is probably making Razzie voters prematurely write his name down on a ballot. But you know, every pop tricks needs their own campy turd masterpiece. Mariah Carey has Glitter. Beyonce has Obsessed. Brit Brit has Crossroads. Kelly Clarkson has From Justin to Kelly. Chestica Simpson has Blonde Ambition. RiRi has Battleship. And Madonna has (insert the name of any Madge movie that’s not Desperately Seeking Susan, A League Of Their Own or Body of Evidence, which really is an underrated serious cinematic jewel).

And since A Star Is Born shot scenes in the desert, I’m hoping there’s a part in the movie where Jackson Maine and Ally do peyote together, and while boning, he hallucinates her as his hot, sassy body double.

Pics: FameFlynet

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