Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By A Falling Demi Lovato

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

I know this is crazy thinking, but when you wear 12-foot-tall stilt shoes on a slippery surface that’s covered in water, there’s a good chance you’re going to need your friends to peel your face off of the ground after your stupid ass falls. While promoting her new song “Cool For The Summer” at one of her pool parties in L.A., my current favorite fashion icon Demi Lovato learned the hard way that the answer to the equation “heels + a wet surface” is: eating shit. A thousand “falling like her single on the iTunes charts” jokes were born when Demi went BOOM.

Demi, you dumbass. It’s still summer. It’s not fall time yet! (Yeah, the GONG is where it usually is. I polished it for you.) But really, apparently “Demi Lovato falling” is a thing that happens often. Trick was falling for attention long before Jennifer Lawrence was doing. She’s the eating floor queen and I’m sure Scarlet will tell you that Demi is her falling inspiration. There’s compilation videos of Demi’s falls. I bet Demi’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again douche of a boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama shows those compilation videos to his friends and says, “You know why she has trouble standing, brah,” while pointing at the bulge I’ve stared at for way too long.

And here’s Demi at one of her pool parties in Miami solidifying herself as a fashion leader by dressing like a Florida NASCAR parking lot hooker.

Pics: KDNPIX, Getty

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Open Post: Hosted By A Beard-Less Henry Cavill

July 5, 2015 / Posted by:

All of us: That thirsty woman with invisible brows in the background is.

No, this isn’t a story about how Henry Cavill broke up with (insert the name of his latest piece, if he has one, since I cannot keep track). Henry got rid of his other beard. Superman was working a half-face full of 70s pussy bush, but he obviously took a machete to that overgrown beard. At the Groove Festival in Dublin, Ireland today, Henry’s Amish hipster beard was replaced by a field of stubble. That’s some “let me exfoliate my thighs on that” stubble. And either I ate so many hot dogs that I’ve got wiener on the brain or beefy Henry Cavill really does look like a kielbasa that is so plumped up that it’s about to split open. Don’t you just want to shove him between two buns?

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By A Topless Wakeboarding Chelsea Handler

July 4, 2015 / Posted by:

In honor of Independence Day, topless titty crusader Chelsea Handler decided to celebrate America’s freedom by strapping her feet into a wakeboard and cruising around a lake with her bald eagle eggs bouncing in the wind. Oh, who am I kidding – it doesn’t really matter what day it is, she would have done that anyway. I’m sure she has the same plan for Arbor Day, Susan B. Anthony Day, and National Grilled Cheese Day. America’s fun drunk aunt threw up a video of herself engaging in some water sports earlier today to Instagram with the following caption:

To celebrate Independence Day, I give you my piece de resistance. Land of the free, home of the me.

Of course, it has since been yanked down by Instragam’s titty police. But that didn’t stop her from posting it to Twitter. “Keep fighting the good fight!” hollered fellow social media nipple freedom fighter Chrissy Teigen. I’ve hidden the video after the jump for obvious reasons (ie. tons of titty).

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Open Post: Hosted By Shia LaBeouf Line Dancing To A Steve Earle Song In A Stay USA Hotel Parking Lot

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And here I thought that the most ‘Murican thing that would touch my eyes this week would be the sight of a topless, Wild and Wonderful Whites-looking ass Shia LaDouche screaming “America!” while visiting Mount Rushmore. I was wrong. Shia managed to outdo himself. Shia, who recently busted his head, is currently shooting a movie in rural South Dakota and TMZ got a video of him and the movie’s crew doing the Copperhead Road line dance to the Steve Earle song of the same name in the parking lot of a Stay USA Hotel. Watching it made my nipples secrete Cheez Whiz. It’s that ‘Murican.

As I can tell from my liver shivering with fear, it’s the Fourth of July tomorrow and so I’m 100% sure that Shia is going to go all the way. Shia’s going to try to get a bald eagle to butt fuck him as he sucks off the end of a firework in the back of an American flag-painted El Camino driving up to a Dairy Queen. So we better hide all bald eagles and fireworks in a place Shia will never go. (Hint: Let’s hide them in a shower.)

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Open Post: Hosted By Demi Lovato Giving You Lot Lizard Glamour For Days

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Demi Lovato or her stylist (who was most likely the costumer on Avenging Angel) gets it! They know that you haven’t achieved that perfect summer chic look until you’ve put on an outfit that was once worn by an Atlantic City day-shift hooker in the middle of August. Demi Lovato is serving up “5 for a blow, 20 for a lay” vibes.

Demi wore this look of elegance to the launch of her national “‘Cool for the Summer’ Pool Party Tour” on the rooftop of the Gansevoort Park Avenue hotel in NYC. Yes, Demi wore this ho shit uniform to a pool party. You now know what to wear to every pool party you’re invited to this summer. You better start sifting through the bins and racks at Goodwill for a discarded 90s Fly Girl bra and denim diapers. You can make those hot boots yourself using construction netting and a can of black spray paint. And don’t forget to really bring the sophistication by working a melting spray tan like Demi!

Pics: Getty

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Open Post: Hosted By Chrissy Teigen’s Rebel Chichis

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Chrissy Teigen joined Miley Cyrus, Chelsea Hander and that Willis daughter whose name I can’t remember right now (Don’t make me Google!) in the FREE THE NIPPLE movement the other day when Instagram proved they are still lady nipple haters by taking down a picture she posted from W Magazine of her exposed tit knob. Chrissy tweeted that her nipple had been silenced, but that it would rise again and fight those nipple-shushing bitches at Instagram. Chrissy’s nipple hasn’t made another appearance on the front lines of Instagram yet, but yesterday she winked at those hos by posting a picture where a strategically placed hairspray bottle covered her nip.

HAIR @jrugg8

A photo posted by @chrissyteigen on

Fight the good fight, Chrissy! Chrissy Teigen is truly the Enjolras of the lady nipples on Instagram battle. And now that I’ve made a Les Miserables reference in a post about nipples, I’m totally singing “Do you hear the nipple sing” to myself.

And here’s Chrissy giving you electrocuted Cowardly Lion glamour while doing stuff.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By Marc Jacobs Giving Instagram The Tip

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Instagram is hard (unlike Marc Jacobs’ dick in the picture he accidentally showed the Internet). You think you’re dropping a picture of your nalgas and dick tip into the private box of some trick you met on Instagram and before you know it, you’ve accidentally posted it for everyone to see. That happened to Marc Jacobs last night.

Marc meant to DM a picture of his 52-year-old goods, along with the note “It’s yours to try,” to someone on Instagram, but he posted it instead. Marc Jacobs deleted it, but not before someone screen shot it and later dropped it into Gawker’s tip box. It looks like Marc to me, because only a highly-skilled gay pin-up model like him would bust out a come hither twist pose in an Instagram picture.

Oh, the dangers of sending pics of your bare body through the Internet. I mean, accidents happen. You’re drunk and stoned and think you’re sending a picture of your down low parts to a prospective trick, but accidentally post it as a Facebook status for all your friends and family members to see. Your auntie won’t even look at you at the next family reunion. That’s why if someone ever asks to see a picture of my goods (they won’t), I’ll just take a Polaroid and send it in the mail. Sure, mailing pictures of my naked body would get me in trouble for using the postal service to send toxic substances, but that’s better than my judgmental tia shaking her head at me while muttering the words, “Sucio pendejo.”

And Gawker has the NSFW version of MJ sticking the tip into Instagram.

 

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Open Post: Hosted By A Memorial Fit For A True Legend

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

On June 22, former HSOTD and Japanese treasure Tama the Station Cat died of heart failure and retired to the great big train station in the sky at the age of 16. That day, a little piece of Dlisted’s blackened heart also died.

Tama the Station Cat choo choo’d her way into our hearts years ago when she became the official greeter at the Kishi train station in the Japanese city of Kinokawa. Tama was a stray cat, but was saved from the streets after the train station officials gave her a job. Tama got paid with tuna. She was later promoted to “operating officer” and with the new fancy title came a new fancy feathered cap which was very “captain in the Liberace army.”

Before Tama became the face of the Kishi train station, the local railway company was on the verge shutting down. After she became the face of the Kishi train station, they were able to pull themselves out of the financial gutter thanks to all the money they made from visitors who came to see the hardest-working pussy in Kinokawa.

The BBC says that Tama’s funeral was on Sunday and it was as lavish as her fashion sense. 3,000 of her fans came out to pay their respects to the feline savior of the Japanese train industry. The president of the Wakayama Electric Railway, Mitsunobu Kojima, spoke at her funeral and thanked her for saving his job. During the Shinto ceremony, Tama was also elevated to goddess status, because that’s just the right thing to do. Tama’s apurrentice Nitama has succeeded her as the Queen of the Kishi Station.

Rest in peace, Goddess Tama. You are now in heaven, single-pawdedly saving the train industry up there.

openposttamastationcat2

And if getting a tattoo on your retinas was possible, I’d be at a tattoo shop handing that picture over to the artiste as I smear Dr. Numb cream on my eyeballs.

Pics: Facebook

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Open Post: Hosted By Elizabeth Berkley Finally Embracing The Fact That She’s Part Of Cinematic History

June 28, 2015 / Posted by:

On the list of shit I regret, “Not Going To The Showgirls Screening At The Hollywood Forever Cemetery On June 27, 2015,” is right up there with, “Not Buying Cases Of Jell-O 1-2-3 Before They Discontinued That Deliciousness,” and, “Giving Myself Those Tragic Sun-In Highlights In The 7th Grade.

Cinespia held an outdoor screening of the reason why cinema was invented last night and Gina Gershon wasn’t there. (If Gina Gershon was there, I would’ve become an Aqua song and tried to turn back time so that I could be there.) But Elizabeth Berkley was there, and in front of thousands of Showgirls fans, she had a come to God moment about being in the most important HIGH ART movie of our time. After Showgirls tanked (because the world just didn’t understand art when it splashed them in the face like pool water splashing against Nomi Malone’s tits while fucking Kyle MacLachlan), Elizabeth was dropped by her agency, she stopped dancing and she didn’t even name Showgirls in her book.

But Jessie Spano finally woke up. At last night’s screening, which was her first screening in 20 years, she said that it was a real “full circle” moment for her and not just because the disciples of the Church of Showgirls formed a circle jerk as a reaction to being in the presence of the great Nomi Malone. via Defamer

On Instagram, Elizabeth posted a clip of the “Versayce” scene and also echoed what she told the sea of Showgirls devotees:

Such a special full circle moment tonight at a very special screening for 4,000 #showgirls fans!#hollywoodforever When it first came out years ago, the sweetness of a premiere eluded me since it had been met with such disdain and controversy. Amazing how life works in mysterious ways. Thank you for the love you showed me tonight…I’m #grateful it has served you as your guilty pleasure and as your anthem to go after your dreams. Thank you for writing a new chapter to this story

I’m sure Elizabeth will give the same speech at the Oscars in about 10 years when the Academy finally pulls its head out of its ass and honors Showgirls for its achievement in EVERYTHING.

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Open Post: Hosted By Jon Hamm

June 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Since those short uncut dick looking things are plastered all over the place, I thought that Minions movie already came out, but it hasn’t yet. The premiere for that shit went down in L.A. today and Jon Hamm was there because his voice is in the movie. Minions is a children’s movie, so I don’t expect the Hammaconda to make an appearance at the premiere, but I still pressed my eyeballs against these pictures to see if I could at least make out a print of its head or something. I see that one-eyed Minion on the bottom has the same idea and is trying to sneak a peek at the Hammaconda. Slut.

Pics: Wenn.com

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