Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By Coco Oiling Up The Sexy On Miami Beach

January 17, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s been way too long since I’ve temporarily pulled Dlisted out of the gutter and carried it to upper echelons of elegance by posting about Coco. The once-reigning Queen of Camel Toes has been really busy doing regular mom things like dressing up herself and her 1-year-old daughter Chanel in matching outfits for Instagram photo shoots. But thankfully, Coco has taken a much-needed break from that exhausting mom shit to sun her oiled-up magnificent silicone melons on Miami Beach today. I didn’t know that people still used brown bottle Hawaiian Tropic, but leave it to Coco to stick to a classic. Although, if she was a true traditionalist who doesn’t give a hell about skin cancer, she would’ve slathered her goddess body with Baby Oil, Crisco, Vaseline and that cooking grease my abuelita kept in an old Prego jar under the kitchen sink.

On a different note, seeing Coco’s body in that red, white and blue two piece gave me an idea. Earlier today I read something about how the Wonder Woman movie may be as much of a CGI’d turd as Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice was. Well, if that’s true and DC wants to save it before it comes out this summer, there’s an easy fix. All they have to do is summon the cast and crew of WW to Miami Beach and shoot new scenes with Wonder Woman’s new sidekick: SHE-HULK! If they put Coco as She-Hulk in the WW movie, the only thing DC executives would have to worry about is finding a shelf strong enough to hold all their awards and accolades!

Here’s more of Coco giving the people of Miami Beach a giant serving of oily gorgeousness while enjoying the sun with  Chanel.

Pics: Splash

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Open Post: Hosted By Margot Robbie As Tonya Harding

January 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Above is a picture from 1999 of the real Tonya Harding working a Florida Tuxedo (it’s like a Canadian tuxedo but without sleeves) and a gorgeous White Rain-encrusted curling iron bang. If that picture was taken in 1994, I’d say that Tonya won the Gold Medal in Shade by throwing that “At least my knee works, bitch” pose. And below are the first pictures of Margot Robbie in Tonya Harding drag on the set of the biopic I, Tonya (working title: I, Margot, Really Want A Fucking Oscar).

That movie also stars Sebastian Stan as Tonya’s child-toucher-looking ex-husband Jeff Gillooly and Allison Janney as Tonya’s abusive mother LaVona Golden. Heather Langenkamp, star of Tonya & Nancy: The Inside Story, is reprising her role as Nancy Kerrigan. That last sentence was co-written by Wishful Thinking. They haven’t said who’s playing Nancy.

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Open Post: Hosted By This Holy Mural Of George Michael In Australia

January 15, 2017 / Posted by:

The Music (via Queerty) reported on this lovely new mural of the late, great George Michael. It’s by Australian artist Scott Marsh and depicts George with a saintly halo, wearing white and rainbow-hued clerical garb, and bearing weed and poppers. I’m pretty sure this beautiful and holy vision has been experienced by many a Provincetown or Fire Island summer partier after partaking too freely of… what have you.

It’s George Michael as “patron saint of the gays!” (An equally dead Bea Arthur would like a word, Scott.) Scott explained his work, which he had permission to paint from the building’s owners who were friends with George.

They were telling me stories about him and their times with him in Sydney and he sounded like a pretty incredible person, so I just sat down with them and threw some ideas around. The idea we stuck with was him as the patron saint of the gays. They love it.”

Important detail: Since patron saints tend to cradle some sort of magical talisman, Marsh thought it wise to paint a joint and big bottle of amyl into Michael’s paws.

“[His friends] were like, ‘I don’t think we ever saw him without a joint in his hand,” he says, “‘and put amyl in his other hand,’ and I just thought, that’s too funny.”

This seems like the sort of thing George would have loved.

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By Tom Hardy’s Kind Of Penis-Resembling Autograph

January 14, 2017 / Posted by:

Tom Hardy is so dreamy with his DSLs and his sweatshirt and beanie and the smile and the actually being nice to dickkick-level annoying paparazzi. Sigh.

What? Oh, yeah. Uh, so this dude at TMZ observed to Tom Hardy that his signature looks like a dick. Watch the video and then judge for yourself:

Thoughts? Maybe? I’m kind of seeing sperm. And no, I’m not just typing that because I want to make a Junior reboot with Tom in which he makes me pregnant. I’m not even going to delete that. What’s done is done. Why do all my Tom Hardy posts end up underneath the gutter, in the place where the alligators writhe around and the scary clowns live? You can’t blame me. Have you seen that pic from his new show? #loincloth

Pic: TMZ

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Open Post: Hosted By Weston The Sledding Puss

January 13, 2017 / Posted by:

I’m just going to tell you right now that this post is not going to end with you having to throw out a “RIP” to those dude’s eyeballs because his pussy clawed them out. Weird, I know.

Weston (the black pussy above) and his sister Ellinore are known as the Adventure Cats and they have a Facebook page devoted to all of the outdoorsy stuff they like to get into. They climb trees! They hike! And they even get into snow sports. Weston’s humans recently uploaded a video of him riding bareback on one of them while going sledding. It wasn’t the first time that Weston has ridden a human snow mobile and according to his humans, that cold-loving pussy loves to shred. Hmmmm….

Weston does look calm, oddly, but unless you want to find yourself searching the snow for your face after your cat rips it off, I wouldn’t try that mess at home. And I know what’s really going on here. Weston isn’t having fun. Weston is working. He’s training his human to carry him. Because when the cat vs. dog war finally happens and cats enslave all of us humans (I can’t wait for that day), they’re going to need us to carry them through the snow during battle. Duh!

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Open Post: Hosted By A Dog Learning That Ducks Don’t Swim In Grass

January 12, 2017 / Posted by:

When those of us who know about algae look at that screen shot, we see a pond that looks like Johnny Depp just took his annual bath in it. All slimy, nasty and filled with shit. But when Digby the dog looked before him, he saw a glorious lawn of green grass for him to frolic on. And poor Digby learned the hard way that sometimes nature tricks you in a good way (like when the dick looks teeny while soft but grows to the size of a mini baguette when hard) and sometimes it tricks you in a bad way (like thinking algae is grass).

Digby and his human were going for a walk in the park when he saw a flock of ducks having a kiki over yonder and decided to fuck with them. But the joke was on adorably dumb Digby when he found out that he fell for an optical illusion!

And look at those uppity ducks floating away like, “That’s what you get, bitch.” Don’t listen to them, Digby, you now know what algae is. Cut to next week when Digby’s human uploads another video of him falling for nature’s trick.

via Bravo

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