Next Time On RuPaul’s Drag Race…..

Well, one of my Christmas wishes was for Jinx Monsoon and Raven to play Mary Magdalene and Jesus in a disco Dynasty version of Jesus Christ Superstar and I guess this still is the closest I’m ever going to get to that.

On last night’s grand finale of The Voice (SPOILER ALERT: Someone whose album you’re not going to buy won), Lady CaCa and Xtina officially ended whatever cunt royale feud they were in by singing a duet of “Do What U Want” while trapped in some kind of bizarre Carrington mansion lesbionic fever dream.

There was so much screeching and grunting that it sounded like sketti night at Honey Boo Boo’s house or like John Travolta letting his growling Scientolohole loose on a bunch of unsuspecting massage therapists at a gay spa. But with that being said, I’d much rather hear Xtina sing this wreck of a song with Lady CaCa than R. Kelly. Because when R. Kelly sings “I could be the drink in your cup,” I have to pour 2 cups of boiling Clorox into my ear hole to erase the images of him saying that line while trolling a high school with nothing but a tarp and a full bladder. But when Xtina sings “…do what u want,” I just picture her serenading all the Bronzer sticks at the MAC Counter at Nordstrom. I’d much rather think about Xtina giving oral to a Bronzer stick…..

I’m torn and split my anus stitches about this campy disaster of a performance. On one hand, I’m into anything that looks like a reboot of Dynasty set in Eternia. On the other hand, Lady CaCa’s wig ruined this shit for me. She should’ve known to leave that hair on the wig head, because Jackie Rogers Jr., Ann Jillian and Agnetha from ABBA all worked it better than she ever could.