Zooey Deschanel Wants You To Know That Whole “Adorkable” Thing Isn’t The Real Her

Totally off topic, but seeing Zooey Deschanel ringing a triangle on the toilet has given me a great idea. My biggest fear – hand to god – is getting my ass stuck on the toilet and not being able to make enough noise for someone to come save me and eventually my ass grows into the toilet seat and I become an A&E reality show called I Live On The Toilet, so yeah – I might start keeping a triangle in the bathroom. Thanks, Zooey.

During an interview with the Huffington Post (via E!), Etsy’s unofficial mascot Zooey Deschanel made it very clear that she’s nothing like her New Girl character Jess, and that whole “adorkable” thing was just a bunch of made-up marketing BS:

“That was something that was calculated, you know what I mean? That was our marketing department at Fox and they did a really good job with our first season, but that’s a word that describes the character that I play, not me. I don’t personally have identification with that word myself.”

She also went on to hiss at the haters who would ever refer to her as adorable and/or dorky:

“I don’t really care what people think of me. I know that sounds crazy because you’re supposed to care about what people think of you, I guess, as an actor, but I really don’t. Obviously I’m grateful for all of the opportunities that I’ve had thus far, including New Girl, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who knows me use that word to describe me, so it’s not of any consequence to me.”

Both Zooey and her New Girl character always look like the first runner-ups of a Quirky Beauty Pageant (their talent being either a ukelele performance of Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” or awkward shrugging), so she really can’t be that surprised when people get the two of them confused.

But I get that she wouldn’t want to be associated with the word “adorkable”; I’ve broken several ribs cringing hard at that word. It’s a health and safety issue, really.

So who is the real Zooey? My guess is Secret Juggalo.

Zooey Deschanel Is Getting Married Again

One week after she announced that she was knocked-up with a tiny hand-crocheted ukelele-strumming vintage fetus, UsWeekly says that Zooey Deschanel is engaged to her baby daddy producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik. Congrats, Zooey, you just hit the hipster wedding jackpot: adorable pregnant bride.

Zooey was married once before to Death Cab for Cutie singer Ben Gibbard from 2009 to 2011, but that ended due to “irreconcilable differences” (aka they couldn’t stop fighting over whose turn it was to sit cross-legged in the living room singing broody songs to no one in particular while they strummed on a second-hand acoustic guitar). But maybe Jacob really likes the never-ending sound of Christmas carols coming out of Zooey’s sing-hole, or he’s got a good set of noise-cancelling headphones and doesn’t care.

Baby Deschanel-Pechenik is due some time this summer, and UsWeekly doesn’t say when Zooey and Jacob are planning on getting married, but I’m going to guess it will be soon. Zooey strikes me as one of those old fashioned types that need a ring on their finger before they push out a kid, so I won’t be surprised to see a baby-bloated Zooey wrapped in 5 yards of thrift store lace curtains clutching ten wild daisies in one hand and a barf bag in the other as she shuffles down the aisle of a vintage bowling alley.

And I really want to see the quirky engagement ring Jacob proposed to her with. I know he’s only been with Zooey for about 6 months, so I hope he had enough time to find a taxidermied squirrel tooth set in an antique gold harmonica.

Pic: Splash

Bring On The Baby-Sized Ukuleles: Zooey Deschanel Is Pregnant

We’ll all remember where we were the moment we learned that Zooey Deschanel’s boyfriend was not, in fact, a charming come-to-life vintage scarecrow from an Etsy store called Wish & Sawdust. People says that after dating for about half a year, Zooey Deschanel and her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik are expecting a baby. Zooey confirmed the news by embroidering the word BABY onto a handmade bunting made from 1950s aprons and tying it to a dozen pastel balloons, which she released into the air while playing “Be My Baby” by The Ronettes on a child’s ukelele. No! She just released this statement to People:

“Jacob and I are over the moon. We are so excited to meet our little one.”

You’d think that the moon wouldn’t be quirky enough for Zooey. Then again, she didn’t specify what moon she was over. “Jacob and I over Tethys, the third moon of Saturn. It’s cool, you probably haven’t heard of it.”

Zooey says she’s expecting some time this summer, which means we’re but 6 or so months away from some next-level whimsical fuckery in the baby name department. Of course Zooey could blow our minds and name the baby something like Jenny or Steve, but survey says it will probably be verrrrryyyyy precious. If it’s a girl, my guesses are: Sugar Ribbon, Eyelash Giggles, Bluebird Bicyclette, or Waffles. And if it’s a boy, my guesses are Skipper Jones, Jooey Canoe, Peter Pan, or Tooter. Or just the sound of Zooey singing Christmas songs.

Someone Is Suing Zooey Deschanel Because She Allegedly Broke Their Horse

Vintage come-to-life dollhouse figurine Zooey Deschanel (seen above wearing my 94-year-old neighbor Mrs. Lee’s favorite errand-running visor while riding on a pony) has apparently found herself on the receiving end of a law suit claiming she broke a horse. Bitch broke a horse! I didn’t even know you could break a horse. TMZ says that a woman named Patty Parker (sidenote: the name “Patty Parker” actually suits Zooey Deschanel better than the name “Zooey Deschanel”) leased a show horse to Zooey back in 2013, and when she got the horse back, Patty says it was straight-up BUSTED. Patty claims that when she rented the horse to Zooey, she made her sign a contract saying that she wasn’t going to ride Literati – and no, I can’t with that name either – more than 3 times a week.

However, it sounds like Zooey might have broken that 3-times-a-week rule, because Patty says that when Zooey returned Literati, he was “injured and unusable”. So she’s suing Zooey for breaking her horse. Zooey had originally paid Patty $13,000 to rent Literarti, and now she says she needs a whole hell of a lot more than that; Patty claims Literati needs serious medical attention, and Zooey should be the one to pay for it, since she’s the one who sent him to the horsie hospital.

I am still very confused as to how a 90lb pocket pixie like Zooey Deschanel is able to break a horse. Was she using Literati to move pianos? Or jumping him off cliffs like a dirt bike? Did she sign Literati up for some kind of all-horse fight club? Something in the horse milk (ew) ain’t clean. I bet Patty and Literati are in cahoots and this is all just a scam to score some quick cash before they gallop down to Tijuana for Spring Break. I see you Patty and Literati – if that’s even your real name!

Pic: FameFlynet

Open Post: Hosted By A SANS FARDS Zooey Deschanel

The human vintage ukelele Etsy store that is Zooey Deschanel posted a SANS FARDS picture of herself this morning to Instagram and I’m shocked the whole universe didn’t collapse in on itself after a Hollywood type posted an actual picture of themselves without makeup, Photoshop, or 18 different filters to blow out every wrinkle and shadow on their face to Instagram. “FOR WHY?!?” said Madonna. “KILL IT WITH FIRE” said Kim Kardashian.

Obviously this isn’t the first time Zooey has let someone take a picture of herself without makeup and 80lbs of false eyelashes, but it’s the first time I actually believe it. When People showed what Zooey looked like without makeup two years ago, it was about as believable as Beyonce tagging an Instagram picture with #iwokeuplikethis (sorry Bey, it doesn’t count if your handlers power you down to refresh your paint and turn you back on when they’re done). She still had full hair and blush and lipstick; all they did was de-Bianca Del Rio her eyes.

But this is real. Her eyes have that red swollen quality of a baby ostrich freshly hatched from an egg. Her skin has that pasty bloated glow that comes from drinking too much wine the night before. Her hair is pulled back as if to say “I know the bangs are ok, but trust me, there is a nest of dreads being held together with a claw clip that you DO NOT want to smell.” I can practically smell her stale breath from here. Which is to say, bitch looks like she knows her way around a Friday night, so she gets two hungover thumbs up from me.

YASSSS! Finally A Reason For Prince To Bust Out His Purple Rain Acting Skills

DROP EVERYTHING, EMMY COMMITTEE. You need to start engraving PRINCE on the following awards: Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy, Outstanding Guest Actor in Any Type of Show, Outstanding Actor The End.

The sound of ukelele tears and quirky sadness is filling the FOX studio lot today because Zooey Deschanel’s sing-hole just found out it’s about to face the steepest of competition very soon. E! Online is reporting that Prince, aka the only voice that matters, is set to make an upcoming guest appearance on New Girl:

The music icon is set to appear in the Fox comedy’s Super Bowl episode, and will interfere with the show’s much-loved coupling of Nick (Jake Johnson) and Jess (Zooey Deschanel), sources confirm to E! News.

This marks Prince’s first-ever appearance on a TV comedy, and he will be playing himself. We’re told that Prince is a fan of New Girl and asked to come on the show a while ago.

“A while ago”? What took you so long?! You gave Taylor Swift a guest spot before Prince? FOR SHAME. You don’t seem to understand the level of power yore dealing with; this is the same man who played the Grammys and made Beyoncé his backup singer. So if Prince says he likes your show, you invite him to appear in every single episode. And if Prince tells you he’s decided to play a character named “Greg the chatty Jehova’s Witness” or “Black Mrs. Roper“, you fucking let him.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go imagine Prince curling up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn to watch New Girl aka The World’s Cutest Visual. Oh my god, he probably calls it “The Zooey Show” or something equally clueless and charming. “Vanity 6! Hurry up and bring the Snickers bites from the kitchen, The Zooey Show is almost on!” This is too precious.

(Pic via Wenn)