Little Green Sprout Is Knocked Up With The Jolly Green Giant’s Baby

A little wider, Hayden, a little wider, just pull your hands about 10 more inches apart and then that’s what your gnome coochie tunnel is going to look like after a giant baby is pulled out of you.

If you watch Nashville, brace yourselves for a “Who’s the daddy?!” storyline, because UsWeekly says one night during a full moon, deep in the Enchanted Forest, the blonde garden gnome Hayden Pantyairs mated with the Ukrainian boxing giant Wladimir Klitschko and they made a fetus together. A source tells UsWeekly that 24-year-old Hayden isn’t half-assed pregnant, she’s “totally” pregnant with 38-year-old fiancé’s giant baby.

When Hayden and Wladimir fuck, it probably looks like a dormouse deep throating a fully grown zucchini, so I can only imagine how giant that baby is going to be. But really, when a garden gnome and a giant mate, will their baby be giant-sized, gnome-sized or somewhere in between? I guess we’ll know the answer if we see a knocked Hayden freaking out in pain as a giant baby leg hangs out of her twat and a giant baby arm hangs out of her mouth.

The Jolly Green Giant And Little Green Sprout Are Getting Married!

The fairy tale creatures of the Enchanted Forest all experienced a case of the hard nips in January when they heard that their gnome queen Hayden Panettiere and their giant king Wladimir Klitschko got back together. And now they’re nipples are going to explode once they hear that their gnome queen and their giant king are getting married. UsWeekly says that Wladimir, pulled out a ring, got down on one knee laid down on the ground and asked Hayden to marry him. Because you just can’t say no to a giant who can finger you from across the room, she said yes!

The source tells UsWeekly that 23-year-old Hayden and 37-year-old Wladimir got engaged recently and she’s not wearing the ring, but they’re currently planning a summer wedding. The source says that Hayden and Wladimir are keeping it a secret, because even they know that nobody gives a shit. No, I give a shit, because they’ve always been one of my favorite couples.

I mean, she can use his dick as a chin-up bar and he can wipe his wet pits on her head while she’s standing up. That’s love! They’re the perfect couple. I can’t wait for their wedding, because I really want to see the enchanted forest birds pick her up by her dress and fly her up to his mouth when the preacher says, “You may now kiss the troll!“

All Is Well In The Enchanted Forest Again

Almost two years ago, a dark cloud covered the Enchanted Forest and all the woodland creatures cried for days after their favorite Jolly Ukrainian Giant and the golden child of Rosie Cotton and Ernest J. Keebler broke up. But the dark clouds have cleared up and the woodland creatures are farting up rainbow-colored hearts again, because 5’2″ Hayden Panettiere and 6’6″ Wladimir Klitschko are back together again.

The other day, that human mountain of rock hard hotness Wladimir worked a hard stick on the ocean while Hayden walked her dog (which I’m assuming is a teacup mouse dog since she can pick it up) near his condo in Hollywood, FL. People says that after Wladimir impressed dolphin activist Hayden by head butting a killer shark until it dropped a dolphin from its mouth, he took her to the Taco Beach Shack near his condo. A source says that Wladimir and Hayden had 8 mahi mahi tacos, a Coke and a margarita, and he left a $20 tip on a $20 bill. (Yes, the REAL story here is that they got 8 mahi mahi tacos, a coke and a margarita for only $20!)

Hayden and Wladimir have always been one of my favorite couples. Nothing pleases me more like picturing her climb up his hood rock of a body for a kiss the same way a tiny, adorable monkey climbs up a palm tree for a coconut. When they take a shower together and she accidentally slips down the drain, he can scoop her out with his pinky finger. Hayden has to stretch for at least 4 hours and they have to use Pilates equipment when they try to 69. I am not ashamed to admit that I love their Jolly Green Giant and Little Sprout union. But I am really ashamed to admit that: a) I watch Nashville and; b) Hayden’s my favorite thing about Nashville.

I felt an ugly kind of shame when I clicked “buy” after the iTunes pop-box asked me something like, “You are about to download the song ‘Love Like Mine,’ are you sure?“