Goopy Stank Up The Met Gala

To Goopy Paltrow, being at the Met Gala was a lot like being trapped in the wet, hot fart of a poor person who just ate cheap Mexican food. She hated almost every second of it. Well, the feeling might’ve been mutual. People at the Met Gala hated Goopy being there as much as she did. The National Enquirer says that Goopy wasn’t lying when she said she was hot, because apparently her pits were as juicy and moist as a roasted organic quail coming out of her $50,000 La Cornue’s Grand Palais oven. Some source tells The National Enquirer that Goopy’s pits don’t lie:

“Poor Gwyneth looked picture-perfect, but it must have been the hot lights that caused her to be a little strong on the nose. It was pretty pungent, and I don’t think she had a clue. I saw at least two people wave their hands in front of their noses after passing her.”

One of Goopy’s friends said that she doesn’t use deodorant, because she read that the aluminum in some deodorants can increase your chances of getting breast cancer. So she uses that crystal rock crap and other stuff instead.

This entire story has almost made me put my bong away for the weekend, because the thought of people plugging their nose while walking by Goopy has taken me up, up, up and away! But the truth is, the middle-class and the bougies just aren’t used to smelling the scent of the blue blood royals. Goopy’s pit stank probably smells like platinum bullion, Yangtze River dolphin queefs, red diamond dust, slightly seared Kobe beef and a hint of organic Saffron.

Of course the middle-class and bougies wouldn’t understand her natural aroma. They just don’t have the noses for it. It’s kind of like when Goopy let her laundress taste the coagulated jizz balls of white tigers she had imported in from Bengal. Goopy’s laundress spit it out and Goopy patted her on the back while saying, “It’s okay, it’s not your fault you were born with that palate.” So Goopy doesn’t hate those bitches who said she stank up the room. It’s not their fault they were born with the nasal palate of an ordinary peasant.

Here’s musty Goopy and Chris Martin leaving some party she threw in London the other night.

Jennifer Aniston’s Stylist Was High When He Gave Her “The Rachel”

File this under: Well, that explains EVERYTHING now….

Cross file under: Pretend it’s the 90s again and clutch your pearl to this news.

Jennifer Aniston and her hairstylist of forever Chris McMillan worked with a company on a new line of stuff for your hair and during a slobbery interview with WWD (via UsWeekly), he said that he was stoned into another dimension when he gave her the haircut that everyone’s tia had to get in the 90s. Chris was stoned, the scissors were stoned, Aniston was stoned, they were all stoned.

And for the record, McMillan insists he was stoned when he created the oft-copied Rachel cut for Aniston in 1994. “I’m 14 years sober, so I feel safe enough to say that,” he said with a grin.

Well, I guess this means that God or Mother Nature or whoever the hell created the long-haired guinea pig was high as all hell when they created the long-haired guinea pig, because the long-haired guinea pig worked “The Rachel” long before Aniston did. And next up, I’m going to write about how Keri Russell’s hairstylist was high on heroin when he chopped her hair off.

Here’s Aniston and Chris McMillan at the launch of their new hair stuff in NYC the other day.

The Photoshop Awards: Kim Kartrashian’s Pregnant Ass On UsWeekly

This week’s issue of UsWeekly must be their annual comedy issue and I’m guessing they let Pimp Mama Kris guest edit it, because this is even more hilarious than Mrs. Doubtfire shading Kim Karcouchian on Twitter.

Over a week ago, the Kartrashian family wanted to spend some quality time in the sun with their favorite things in the world, the cameras, so they shot a vacation episode of Throwing Up with the Kartrashians in Greece. Sadly, Poseidon didn’t return to Greece to spin a whirlpool under the Kardashian’s yacht, sending them back to Hades, but something good did come out of their tip to Greece. I’m talking about this cover.

Ever since PMK’s future money maker started growing and growing and growing in Kim’s womb, some have said that she’s looking like a sausage trying to escape out of its casing and that’s mainly because of the ridiculous crap that Kanye throws on her body. So Kim ripped off the leather dresses and showed the haters her knocked up body. I’m all for a fame whore freeing her body of the leather sausage casing that binds her, but that picture should have the words “The Brothers Grimm Presents…” over it, because that body is a fairy tale. If you’re going to show it, show it.

But in PMK’s defense, if Photoshop wasn’t involved in the making of that cover, then she’d lose her title as the master of fakery.

I See What You Did There, Red Magazine

For the cover of their June issue, Red Magazine used a picture of Reese Witherspoon looking dozed off  while sitting in the passenger seat of a car. (“I know that look,” said the police officer who busted Laura Jeanne Poon) That picture is like a glamour shot version of Lindsay Lohan’s legendary drunk mess portrait. Reese is so damn drunk in that picture that she doesn’t realize that she’s wearing a bedskirt as a dress!

Reese Witherspoon gave an interview to the UK’s Red Magazine before she got arrested for being a mouthy, drunken mess and the quotes are made of one hundred percent pricelessness. But first, here’s something smart that came out of Reese’s mouth:

“Even now, in America, a woman makes 87 cents to every $1 a man makes. If you’re a black woman, you make 75 cents. You’re a Latin woman, it’s 67 cents. And this is doing the same job. There is enormous inequality in pay and inequality in the workplace to this day.”

Then Reese went on to say that when her kid Tennessee came out of her body, he must’ve brought her brain with him.

“Ever since I had the baby, I can’t remember anything. Serious, this child stole my brain. I’m losing friendships over forgetting to get back to people. But you can’t keep up with everything.”

So maybe Reese wasn’t asking that cop if he knew her name, because she was pulling some “Do you know who I am?” shit. Maybe she was asking that cop if he knew her name, because bitch forgot it. That little fact was stored in the brain that her baby stole! Blame that brain-snatching baby Tennessee for all of this.

And then Reese said this about being a proud successful woman:

“As women, we shrug and smile and say, ‘Oh … me?’ because it makes it socially acceptable for us to be successful. But there is a balance between being an arrogant jerk and being someone who is proud of their accomplishments. We need to let successful women show off and support them. Because men don’t spend any time putting themselves down. They don’t waste their breath.”

That one is just too, too easy.

via NYDN

Goopy Paltrow Hates Botox, But Loves American Spirits

Seen above wearing the protective face net that keeps the essence of the middle class from touching her skin when she goes to the liquor store to buy American Spirits, Goopy Paltrow talked to Harper’s Bazaar about her life and has once again filled my eyes with poop-covered drops of gold. Here’s my favorite part out of the whole thing:

Having survived her 10th London winter (she got through January by assigning it “international month,” and amusing Moses and his big sister, Apple, 9, with a visiting Italian chef, Japanese anime screenings, and hand-rolled-sushi lessons, no less), Paltrow admits that her dreams of relocating the family to their recently acquired residence in Brentwood, California, are becoming ever more urgent. “Just to have my kids be in the sun every day—picking avocados, going for a swim,” she says. “Even for two years or something, and come back when they go to senior school.”

So at 7 years old, Moses can probably get a job as a sous chef at Nobu and he can tell you who his 5 favorite Italian chefs are….and he can tell you in Italian. At 7 years old, I didn’t even know sushi existed, the only thing I rolled was Play-Doh and my favorite Italian chef was (and still is) Chef Boyardee. THE RICH: They’re not like us!

And then Goopy denied that she’s ever had her face pulled, but she did get Botoxed up once:

“I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I’m 50. I’ll try anything. Except I won’t do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!”

If only they Botoxed her tongue… Well, Goopy probably figured that the shit that comes out of her mouth lets the world know that she’s nuts, so there’s no use in communicating that with her face too.

Finally, Goopy admits that her one guilty pleasure is sucking on an American Spirit cigarette every Saturday night. I can picture her now. Goopy lounges in the garden of her London townhouse and while Moses is inside making raw dolphin sashimi for dinner, she takes a long drag of that American Spirit and says to herself in her natural British accent, “Oh, those Americans are useless buggers, but they do know how to make a good fag. Pip pip.”

Justin Bieber’s Monkey Gets Quarantined In Germany

The spanking monkey jokes write themselves….

Because Justin Bieber’s diapers are filled with delusions, he thinks he’s the second coming of Michael Jackson, so of course he has his own pet monkey. Bubbles is not impressed. The Biebs flew into Munich on Thursday with his pet capuchin monkey (a gift from some producer) and while going through customs, officials told the come-to-life Kid Sister doll that he didn’t have the right paperwork and they’d have to quarantine his monkey. A customs spokeswhore told the NYDN that the monkey is currently in quarantine jail. The Biebs will have to pay whatever it costs to take care of his monkey and he’ll probably be hit with a £10,000 fine.

Unlike the Biebs, that monkey is probably potty-trained, knows better than to spit in a trick’s face, doesn’t crash a $200,000 sports car every other week and wears pants that fit, and it’s the one who gets put into quarantine?! Everything is wrong with that. If this world was a right place, Justin would be the one in quarantine jail and that monkey would be the one screeching and thrusting its crotch for thousands of fans. Germany’s got the wrong monkey.

And seriously, we all know what happened to Justin Bieber’s hamster (No, it didn’t get lost up in his insides after he Richard Gere’d it. It died.), so that monkey is in a better place.