But We Already Know EVERYTHING

Here’s the voice of all mothers Kate Gosselin looking as precious as a pimp at church on the cover of her THIRD book. Don’t you just want to softly stroke her Bret Michaels weave before yanking it out in pieces to tie around her mouth and hands? I think that’s what Kate was going for.

People reports that Kate’s new book I Just Want You to Know: Letters to My Kids on Fame, Money and that asshole Jon comes out on April 13th. The book will feature Kate’s prayers, selections from her personal journal and letters to her kids. Kate explains:

“Each day the thought crosses my mind that when they get older, my kids are going to look back and think about how they were raised. I know they will have a lot of questions about things that may not make sense because they were raised so unconventionally. I don’t want them to grow up and wonder; I want them to know without a shadow of a doubt how much I love them and how much every sacrifice made was worth it for them.”

Touching. But what’s even more touching is one of Kate’s letters to her baby friends:

Dear my adorable money makers childrens,

Why the fuck are you reading this?! Stop dicking around and go make that money! Back alley weaves don’t come cheap! Smile really purdy for the cameras too.

Oh, and get momma a cold bottle of Evian. COLD!

Love and Possum Whispers,
Your Boss

Kate’s kids will be able to read their mother’s letters to them when they save up enough money to go down to the local Barnes & Nobles to buy a copy of her book. Sorry kids, no complimentary copies for you!

You Don’t Say?

Jon Grosselin is the new Richard Heene. At least that’s what Radar is hearing. A few weeks ago, Jon’s cavern of desperation (No, not his asshole. The “other” cavern of desperation) was ransacked by one of his arch rivals.

The NYPD lined up the usual suspects (i.e. Hailey Glassman, Kate Gosselin’s possum head, Dignity, and 99% of the population) and Jon pointed directly at his ex-girlfriend Hailey. Jon believes that Meth Brows is the one since a note, allegedly written by Hailey, was left behind. The note was pinned to Jon’s dresser with a Ginsu knife.

But sources tell Radar that the NYPD swallowed an entire cup of common sense and now believe that Jon himself orchestrated this publicity stunt to keep his corner on the famewhore stroll. The source explained, “The more cops have looked into it, the more they feel like it was a publicity stunt. They absolutely think the butcher knife part of it is B.S.”

The detectives most likely came to that conclusion after they tested the knife and only found remnants of AXE body lube, Fluff, Ed Hardy’s sperm and hot dog water.

(Image of destruction via INFDaily.com)

Jon Grosselin Still Gets The Ladies

Why does this picture look like the evil forest goblin snatching on to the town’s virgin before dragging her back to his lair? That’s because it is. Sort of.

Radar reports that Jon Grosselin’s voluptuous rack and creeping hairline has charmed yet another lady. Jon has moved on from Hailey Glassman and is now dating 25-year-old Morgan Christie. Just like Hailey, Morgan comes from a family with deep pockets. Sit on your hands, gold diggers of the world, because Jon is not a wallet fucker we are going to applaud for.

Jon and Morgan met at a ski resort in Utah. Morgan lives in California, but she flew to NYC to be with Jon for Christmas. Since that trip, a source says they have been texting non-stop.

Did Morgan not learn anything from Hailey? A potted plant can love her better than Jon Grosselin. My advice to Morgan is to immediately cleanse herself of the douche by sacrificing an Ed Hardy t-shirt. Once she’s done with that, she should got to the nearest nursery and find herself a good potted plant with a sturdy trunk and clean leaves.

It’s A Stunt, So Says Hailey Glassman

Jon Grosselin’s douche cave was ransacked on Saturday, and he believes that his ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman had everything to do with it! The Ed Hardy Slasher left behind a note and signed it with Hailey Glassman’s name. This is why I’m not sure if she had anything to do with it. Would that bitch be THAT stupid to sign the note with her own name? Okay, okay, I hear all of you screaming “YES” in my ear. Meth Brows would be that dumb, but I still think this was a stunt orchestrated by the douche master himself. And Meth Brows’ lawyer agrees.

Hailey’s lawyer told Radar, “It appears to be a huge publicity stunt. The police investigation is still ongoing and we are sure the investigation will reveal that someone is trying to frame Hailey. There are no charges against Hailey. I don’t think they are even considering her as a suspect in a crime. It appears that somebody, and I don’t know who that might be, or what their motive might be, is framing her. The detectives are still working on it.”

But Jon’s lawyers seem to think that Hailey’s meth face will soon be covered by a fat crotch belonging to her cell mate in prison. Jon’s lawyer told Radar, “Hailey Glassman is going to jail. It’s a simple as that. The building security tape will not lie and the evidence will speak for itself.”

The evidence will speak for itself?! Who the hell does Jon’s lawyer think he is? Wadsworth from Clue? Personally, I think the only real suspect in this case goes by the name of Karma. And not Karma Chameleon, the drag queen from Orlando who tried to steal my fuck partner right in front of me.

Kate Gosselin Is Loving This

If you were on the UES side today in Manhattan, you might have seen a mob of rabid possums running the streets with bottles of AXE body sprays in their mouths and Ed Hardy silk thongs on their heads. That’s because somebody broke into Jon Grosselin’s Douche Palace of Bad Decisions and ransacked the joint! And I’m pointing all my fingers at the possums, because who else would risk contaminating themselves by going through Jon’s shit? The possums are defending their queen! Anyway…

TMZ reports that when Jon returned from celebrate Christmas with his child army, he found that someone with a knife completely destroyed his place. $100,000 worth of damages to be exact. They slashed up his shirts, shoes, luggage, his bed, rugs and curtains. Jon’s TV, CD player, coffee machine, dishes and other shit was missing. They even carved the word “cheater” into his headboard.

A source tells UsWeekly that a note was left on the kitchen counter with a knife sticking through it. The note was signed with Hailey Glassman’s name. The source went on to say that Meth Brows probably did the damage, because she recently moved out of the apartment. She was also upset, because she claims she paid half of the rent and recently found out that Jon’s been pocketing the money and not sending in a check to their management.

Those possums are sly fuckers, framing Hailey like that. Those possums just earned themselves a special spot at the VIP section in heaven for ripping up Jon’s Ed Hardy doucherags. It’s A Wonderful Life got it twisted. The truth is that an angels gets his wings whenever somebody shreds an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

But seriously, I’m really trying to look at this through the eyes of Detective La Toya. She would think about it while sipping on her brandy in front of a roaring fire. Then she would remove her monocle and declare that Jon did this himself. That way the dildo gets to collect a check from his renter’s insurance and also get some publicity out of it.

Jon & Kate Are Officially Divorced

Remember Jon & Kate? We’ve all been fucked so hard in the eye hole with Tiger news that our brains ejaculated every memory we ever had of those two. Well, in case you do remember them, you should know that they are now officially officially OFFICIALLY divorced. You might want to put a padlock on your trash cans and keep ear plugs on your nightstand, because the possums will be partying tonight!

Kate’s lawyer tells TMZ that the child army will stay at their compound with her. Jon will get visitation rights. Kate also added, “I am very relieved that our divorce has been finalized, and I look forward to the New Year, focusing on our children.”

Unfortunately, our national nightmare is not over. Apparently, Jon has been hit with a 5-figure monthly child support payment that he can’t pay due to TLC blocking him from working the famewhore stroll. And you know Kate is going to send her mob of rabid possums after him if he’s even ten-seconds late on his payment.

That means you might find Jon begging for a coin in front of your local Rite-Aid. That will ruin your day faster than a genital wart. Or worse, don’t be surprised if you see him shaking those titties at a strip club for a warm dollar.

When it comes to the Gosselins, we all lose.