This Face Has Been Banned From All Public Appearances

Spray your genitals down with Andre and slap a ho with a steak, because a judge has ordered that Jon Grosslin can’t even cut the ribbon at the grand re-opening of a strip club turned barbecue joint without getting a signed permission slip from TLC.

Today in Maryland, a judge sided with TLC in their breach of contract case against Jon. The judge issued a temporary injunction which forces Jon to get on all fours and suck on TLC’s ass lips if he wants to partake in interviews, public appearances or TV shows.

This was an easy decision to make since Jon didn’t show up to court and his lawyers failed to present any evidence. One of the head hos at TLC testified that Jon’s appearance at a Las Vegas pool party in August brought shame upon the network. You know, because TLC’s reputation is as immaculate as a porcelain dildo.

Right after the court’s ruling, TLC issued this statement: “The Court has validated our view that Mr. Gosselin has a valid, binding contract and that he has breached it repeatedly. Step one – getting the court to order Mr. Gosselin to comply with his contractual obligations – has been accomplished. Any further breaches going forward will be violations of a court order. We look forward to the next phase of the litigation, which is to pursue our claim for damages resulting from Mr. Gosselin’s numerous breaches.”

The trial is set to begin April 19th.

So this means that Jon is going to have to find a way to keep his mouth stuffed with cigarettes, his belly filled with Jaegar Bombs and his hos bejeweled in the finest pieces Chinatown’s street vendors have to offer.

Maybe Christian Audigier can hire Jon to polish his nutsack or pluck his taint hair with his teeth (Christian is fragile like that). And if that’s not possible, then Jon can always take my idea and stand on the street corner with a sign that reads: “Punch-A-Douche $1″. The line forms to the left. And, Kate, put your wad of $100 bills away. Only one punch per person.

SPOILER ALERT: The Truth About Santy Claus

For those of you who don’t know (this one goes out to you, Jessica Simpson), Santy Claus is simply a figment of the world’s collective imagination and he does not exist in real life. You can thank UsWeekly for shitting on your holidays. Actually, you can thank the Gosselin kids, because they are destroying Christmas for everyone! Bars and crack houses will be overflowing with 4-year-olds this holiday season because of the Gosselins.

Aunt Jodi’s vengeful lips, I mean, “a source” tells UsWeekly, “They don’t believe in Santa Claus. Mady and Cara ruined it for the sextuplets and told them a few years ago that Santa wasn’t real, and that their presents come from Mommy and Daddy. The sextuplets are the ones at school who tell the other kids there’s no Santa Claus.”

It happens. Sooner or later we all must find out that the truly beautiful things in life are actually made out of lie-coated lies. Examples: The Easter Bunny, unicorns, Jamie Lee-Curtis’ penis, Jenkem and Ambien sex.

Since we’re on the subject, let’s pass the dildo around and share our stories about how we found out that Santa Claus is a fake. I found out when I was about seven. Like most spoiled nasty brats, my sister and I would always search the house for our Christmas presents from my mom. The night before Christmas, my mom went out after dinner. We knew something in the egg nog wasn’t clean, so we hid in the garage to wait for her to return. When she returned, we watched her unload 2 scooters out of the trunk. We also busted out of there when she spotted us trying to be slick. She knew that we knew about the scooters.

On Christmas morning, we got up at the break of dawn as usual and headed to the tree. Waiting for us were the two scooters with a card attached that read, “From Santa Claus.” She wasn’t even trying anymore. The card really should have read, “You brought this upon yourself! F U! Love, Santy”

Because We Haven’t Been Punished Enough

Besides a firing squad full of shooters with Tourettes, the only thing missing from the nauseating never-ending Gosselin soap opera has been a sex tape. Personally, I was hoping a sex tape featuring Aunt Jodi and Kate Gosselin’s rabid possum hair would leak first, but Jon Gosselin has beat them to the barf. According to the National Enquirer, Jon’s bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has seen a fuck tape starring the Stay Puft Douchebag and some ho that was rented from Craigslist. Thomas died seven days later. NO, he’s still alive and he’s apparently going to testify in TLC’s lawsuit against Jon.

Stephanie Santoro, a former Gosselin nanny and one of Jon’s fuck friends, said that Thomas told her about the sex tape, “Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape! Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

If this is true, then whoever recorded that mess needs to be thrown into the chokey for the rest of their life. That is mass murder in the first degree. Imagine all the eye balls and stomachs that will die a slow death while watching Jon ram his soggy fish stick peen into some hooker’s vag. All of us will suddenly develop an allergic reaction to dough.

Although, the ones that don’t become a member of the American Foundation for the Blind after watching Jon’s sex tape can use it to improve their gag reflex.

Jon Gosselin Is Trying To Un-Douche Himself

Jon Gosselin has jumped on this side of the fence to laugh and point at his acts of douchery with the rest of us. Yeah, I don’t remember sending him an Evite. Do you?

In this parody from Funny or Die, Jon performs a doucheorcism on himself by dumping Michael Lohan, Ed Hardy and his gutter tramp hos. Unfortunately, the video doesn’t end with Jon sacrificing himself to Kate’s number one fans: the rabid possums of the forest. It does have a terrifying ending though. I don’t appreciate that. Especially since I’ve always been afraid of flaming tampons.

This might be the first time in the history of forever that I actually wished I was watching Cher’s ass cheeks jiggling around on a battleship. So thanks, Jon.

Jon Gosselin Takes His “I’m Sorry” Tour To NYC’s Jewish Center

At NYC’s Jewish Center last night, Jon Grosselin and his new spiritual adviser (and fellow fame fucker) Rabbi Shmuley Boteach sat on thrones (THRONES) to discuss how he’s beginning the road to redemption. Unfortunately, redemption is not a far off place where rabid possums devour used tampons whole. Darn.

Gawker says that they charged $20 at the door for this douche extravaganza! Think of all the things you could spend two tens on: a) a handjob and taint massage from the day-shift hooker of your choice b) a back alley colonic from a junkie with a wet vac or c) a date with Gary Coleman. All of those things sound more pleasant than sitting in the same room with Jon.

Anyway, here’s what Jon had to say. Open your crotch up to get a good scrubbing:

Jon on fame: “I think I’m just misunderstood. I’m not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I’m famous]. I don’t sing. I don’t dance. I’m not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC.“

Let me stop him right there. NOT A FAME SEEKER? How did a trap door not open up when Jon said this while sitting on a throne……on stage….in front of an audience who paid $20 to hear him queef. Okay, carry on…

Jon on forgiveness: “It’s hard for me because I can’t forgive myself for the things I’ve done. So to ask for forgiveness from someone who may never forgive me is tough for me. I do apologize to Kate. I’m sorry for doing the things I did. I do ask for her forgiveness. I want to apologize to Kate in private. I’ll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would’ve done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it’s almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it.”

Jon on Hailey Glassman: “We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don’t want another failure in my relationships. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again.”

My only question for Jon is where was his Ed Hardy yarmulke to cover up his bald spot? If you’re going to do it, Jon. DO IT. Speaking of, I’m not Jewish, but I think I speak for all Jews when I say, “WE DON’T WANT YOU.” Actually, I think I speak for the human race when I say, “WE DON’T WANT YOU.”

Hailey Out, Rabbi Shmuley In

Jon Grosselin is no longer using Ed Hardy as his full-time spiritual advisor. Instead, Jon is listening to the mouth belonging to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (but you can call him Rabbi Famewhore). Unfortunately, Rabbi SB has not advised Jon to hide in Balloon Boy’s attic and not come out until we tell him to. But Rabbi SB did tell Jon that he needs to drop his girlfriend Hailey Glassman off at the nearest potted plant and leave her the hell alone. According to Extra, Jon has listened to Rabbi SB and has quit Meth Brows.

Some “insider” (*cough*possumhead*cough*) said, “They’re taking a break. Jon apparently decided he needed to spend some time on his own.” Yeah, on his own in a ditch in Chernobyl.

This is kind of funny since Hailey was on TV the other day queefing about how Jon constantly throws “mantrums,” but she can never leave his ass. Hailey should consider herself lucky since she just dodged a douche bullet. Now she can go back to doing anal with potted plants which sounds much more enjoyable than doing anything with Jon Gosselin.

Rabbi BS (on purpose typo) probably has bigger publicity whoring plans for Jon. Don’t be surprised if Jon changes his name to Jedidiah and starts hanging around with Ashton Kutcher. Does Ed Hardy make Kabbalah bracelets? They will now.