QOTD: Taylor Momsen On Porn & Tommy Lee

Tommy Lee’s had boners that lasted longer than Taylor Momsen’s entire life, so I’m not sure how sad he’ll be to find out that the baddest and hardest panda in the bamboo tree will never ride his ride. 17-year-old Taylor Momsen tells Revolver (via E! Online) that she’s into porn, but she’s not into what Tommy Lee is offering up:

“If it’s a good sex tape, I’ll watch it…I like some adult stars. I have a couple favorites. But I will say this: That Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson video wasn’t very good. I wouldn’t fuck Tommy Lee.”

Taylor is trying so hard to be a “trashy who cares ho who doesn’t wash her dildos after using and smokes in front of NO SMOKING signs” but she’s doing it all wrong. You don’t say, “I wouldn’t fuck Tommy Lee.” The words “I would never fuck” would never come out of a trashy ho’s mouth. You say, “I would only fuck Tommy Lee if he bought me anything I wanted on the Dollar Menu.”

That being said, Tommy and Taylor better not fuck, because then he’s going to jail. Chris Hansen is waiting in the wings.

(Image via Egotastic)

Don’t Mess With The Panda

This panda knows what I’m talking about:

via ONTD

“It’s Just Us Teenage Girls!”

On Lourdes’ first day of school at LaGuardia High School, she was at her locker talking to her friends when her mother Madge skipped up wearing a side ponytail, a pink ruffle skirt and lace gloves. Madge hip bumped Lourdes before saying, “Hey girlfriend, do you want to come to my house after school and listen to CDs with parental advisory stickers on them?”

That is the vision these pictures of Madge and Lourdes give me. Madge is slowly becoming a character created by Amy Sedaris. I mean, she’s dating a baby who still has trouble peeing standing up, so she might as well turn back the clock all the way.

Madge, Lourdes, Rocco and Carlos Leon pulled Taylor Momsen out of a bamboo tree last night for the launch of the Material Girl fashion line at Macy’s. Taylor is the “face” of the line and she couldn’t look more thrilled if she tried. Yeah, that’s her “thrilled as fuck” face. But to be fair, the toxic fumes from the layers upon layers of lead paint she’s got on her eyes seeped into her head and made her more brain dead than usual. It’s a small price to pay for looking like a total asshole.

And I wouldn’t be mad at the NAACP if they struck out against Taylor Momsen, because bitch is pretty close to wearing full blackface.

Taylor Momsen Burned Her Dog’s Neutered Balls

I really can’t with this right now, so I’ll just let Taylor Momsen’s bandmate Ben Phillips explain it to you.

Ben told Heat Magazine (via MTV UK), “In the studio, there was this pit where the owner would burn stuff. We’d burn old keyboards, computers, stuff them full of TNT and set them on fire. Taylor loves fire. I shouldn’t say this. One morning, Taylor got into the studio really early – she’d just had her dog neutered and brought in the bits. Which she then burned. We were grossed out.”

Her dog’s charbroiled nutsack probably looked a lot like her face in that picture above.

This bitch is putting the ASS in badass. I doubt Taylor actually torched her dog’s balls. Bitch brought in two rotten Ikea meatballs and passed it off as her poor dog’s nutsack so that everyone in the band would once again stamp her with the “YOU SO EDGY” label. This trick don’t fool me.

Don’t be surprised if Taylor pulls an Ozzy Osbourne by biting off the head of a pigeon on stage. But Taylor won’t use a real pigeon. She’ll use a toy one with red stuffing. “You’re a bad bitch!” – Every toddler on the playground to Taylor.

And in the same interview with Heat, Taylor said this when asked why she always looks like she just sniffed her dog’s burnt testicles: “I do smile when things are funny. I’m quite moody, I’m a teenager and I’m PMS-ing all the fucking time, what do you expect? I am quite moody and I have an interesting life and I get my picture taken 24/7, and it’s not always pleasurable. I am really moody, but I’m not a mean person. I’m actually nice.”

In case you didn’t get it from the three times she burped it out in that quote, she’s quite moody.

Taylor Momsen On Her Vibrator, Priests And Justin Bieber

If you ever find yourself in the darkest part of the playground and a gang of hardcore tween bitches circle around you, throw a few of these quotes at their asses to show them that you are harder than the black tar slowly eating up Taylor Momsen’s eyelids. In an interview with a New Zealand radio show, 17-year-old Taylor joked about boning a priest and tried to act like she doesn’t know what a Bieber is:

On why her band Pretty Reckless wrote a song about the Catholic church’s pedo scandal: “I was raised Catholic. I fucked a priest once. Just kidding.”

On the pictures of her crotch being all over the internet: “I don’t take [any of the stories about me] to heart; I just look at it this way: My fucking tampon’s on the goddamn Internet.”

On wearing a friendship bracelet from her vibrator: “It doesn’t talk back to me, so it’s really not a best friend … I’m not a whore for masturbating, so fuck you if you want to call me one. I think women should equally be allowed to pleasure themselves as much as men. I think that if that has any more controversy than a man talking about pleasuring himself, then there’s something wrong with the world.”

On the most famous fetus in the world Justin Bieber: “I don’t know who Justin Bieber is. I only know his name because it keeps being brought up to me. I listen to Led Zeppelin and The Beatles, so I have no idea who he is. That’s not a dis; I just don’t know.”

If you opened up Taylor’s Led Zeppelin lunchbox, I’m sure you would find a secret shrine to Justin Bieber’s wondrous helmet of golden locks, so she needs to stop playing! But what’s really sad is that Taylor’s “I only listen to Led Zeppelin” quote reminds me of when I was in the 5th grade and some older girls who wore black nail polish asked me what kind of music I listened to. Obviously, a Debbie Gibson cassette tape was in my boombox at home, but I lied and said Alice Cooper. ALICE COOPER! Like I knew who Alice Cooper was! I probably thought Alice Cooper was Winnie’s older sister. So it pains me to say that I too had a Momsen wart on my tongue once.

Here’s a clip of Taylor’s interview if you need it in audio form:

via UsWeekly

Needs More Black Eye Grease

Taylor Momsen, the baddest bitch in a McDonald’s ball pit, has released the cover for her band’s debut album, which comes out in the UK later next month. Doesn’t Taylor actually look her age without half of the contents of an ashtray smothered all over her eye area? No, that’s not Taylor! It’s just a visual representation of her maturity level (MINE TOO!!!).

This cover just confirms that the first thing toddlers learn in school shouldn’t be how to tie their shoes or how to write their name. Who needs to know that? The first thing they should be taught is how to work a lighter. Sometimes when you’re desperately looking for a light, you probably think to yourself: “I really wish that toddler over there was holding a Zippo instead of a Blackberry (toddlers have those now, right?)” That thought was just incepted from Kate Moss’ dreams.

That being said, if the girl on Pretty Reckless’ cover is supposed to be a young version of Taylor Momsen then they went with the wrong choice. I’m not a curator of hardcoreness like Taylor, but they really should’ve gone with this instead:

It’s like you’re staring at one of Taylor’s baby pictures, right? It’s all about the eyes!

And here’s Taylor looking like she should be freebasing a piece of bamboo while performing in Florida the other day.